Porn in our religious home

[Abreakwouldbelovely]

Been awake for hours feeling upset and confused after finding last night that my DH (married 11 yrs, 3 kids) has been watching porn despite it going against our religion. I've read loads of threads on here about porn so I know there's a full spectrum of attitudes but the complicating factor here is that I converted to this religion before we married and I live by its teachings- it's tough at times, but I do it for myself and for our relationship. For example I dress v modestly, don't listen to pop music (which is viewed in the religion as too sexy) and am careful not to seem at all flirtatious with any men. My DH is outwardly religious but this feels so undermining and so unappreciative of my own efforts in our religion and relationship. We also have sex less than I'd like (which we've talked about multiple times) which makes it feel more upsetting. And yet there's a lot of good in our marriage and reasons to be together. Please share your thoughts cos right now I feel v lonely.

Such incorrect information here it's unbelievable. I suggest you sit with an educated scholar or alimah who will be able to clarify your significant misunderstandings . Oh and the prophet pbuh only remarried after his first wife Khadijah (r.a) because Allah swt commanded otherwise he himself said he would not have married again. Before you go spouting your obviously misplaced anger you should take a closer look at yourself and why there's so much distaste.

The prophet couldn’t marry while he was working for his first wife who was older and wealthy. After he came to money he married total of 12 women, the slave girl I mentioned earlier was 17 when he was 60, I haven’t even mentioned that he married a 6 year old when he was 53. He became a very rich man through looting(ghanīmah) in which he took the percentage, no difference to what Daesh were aiming to do. He had many slaves male and female and they are documented.

His Female Slaves (12)

Abū ‘Ubayda has said: his female slaves were four: Māriya who conceived Ibrāhīm, Rayhāna, Jamīla, and a slave whom he received from Zaynab Bint Jahsh.

Salma, Umm Rāfi’, Maymūna, Khadira, Radwa, Razīna, Umm Damīra, and Maymūna Bint Abī ‘Usayyib were also his slaves.

His Male Slaves (28)

Zayd Bin Hāritha was his male slave whom he emancipated and married to Umm Ayman who gave birth to Usāma. Aslam, Abū Rāfi’, Thawbān, Salīm, Sālih, Rabāh, Yasār, Mud’im, and Karkara were his slaves, and Mud’im and Karkara were slain at Khaybar, and Allāh knows best.

Anjasha and Mihrān whom the messenger of Allāh (may Allāh send salutations upon him) named Safīna were his slaves, and the messenger of Allāh (may Allāh send salutations upon him) emancipated him according to Abū Hātim.

Abū Mashrah, Aflah, ’Ubayd, Kīsān, Dhakwān, Mihrān, Mirwān, Hunayn, Sandar, Fudāla, Māboor, Wāqid, Abū Wāqid, Qassām, Abū ‘Usayyib, and Abū Muwayhiba were also his slaves.

His Servants

Anas Bin Mālik, ’Abdullāh Bin Mas’ood, ’Uqba Bin ‘Āmir al Juhnī, Asia’ Bin Sharīk, Bilāl Bin Rabāh, Sa’d, Abū Dharr AI Ghifārī, and Ayman Bin ‘Ubayd were his servants.

His Scribes

Abū Bakr, ’Umar, ’Uthmān, ’Alī, Az Zubayr, ’Āmir Bin Fuhayra, ’Amr Bin Al ‘Ās, Ubayy Bin Ka’b, ’Abdullāh Bin Al Arqam, Thābit Bin Qays Bin Shammās, Handhala Bin Ar Rabī’ Al Usaydī, Al Mughīra Bin Shu’ba, ’Abdullāh Bin Rawāha, Khālid Bin Al Walīd, Khālid Bin Sa’īd Bin Al ‘Ās, Mu’āwiya Bin Abī Sufyān, and Zayd Bin Thābit were his scribes.

There is no hate from me at all for any religion or their followers, but I believe that many of the followers have limited knowledge to the books specially women., I can’t hate a fictional book. What angers me is how women accept to be oppressed, be a patient woman because God will reward you in the after life, dint raise your voice or laugh loud, don’t wear heels because men will desire you, don’t wear perfume because you will attract men, don’t say No to your husband because the angels will curse you from that moment on, accept to share your husband because the more reward you will have in heaven etc etc.

OP, you say you think religion has desexed you in your partner's eyes. You may have to dress modest if you go out or have visitors around but when you are totally alone with your DH you can dress as sexy as you like. Have you thought of offering him a lap dance? It might keep his focus on you and not porn.

This makes me so sad 😞

Trying to replace objectification and misogyny with objectification and misogyny.

Oh wow just horrible

In Islam men and women are both instructed to refrain from sexual activities with others that are not their husband/wife. Watching porn and becoming sexually aroused is therefore forbidden.
Islam is actually not a lenient religion for men, it’s probably a lot more tougher for men than women. If you read the Quran and the Hadith you would see that. Even people born into Islam are bought up more with cultural values and have no idea what the religion actually says about the roles of women and men. Only now as various translations and interpretations of the Quran have become readily available, people have started to realise what the religion is actually about. Before this, generations have been practicing cultural traditions more than religious ones.
In Islam both husband and wife are encouraged to appreciate and enjoy each other sexually which is one of the reasons divorce or marrying again is allowed both for women and men, as the religion acknowledges that both have sexual desires. Marriage is mainly about fulfilling the sexual desires for both genders without having to commit sims. After that need comes having children and other roles and responsibilities of husband and wife. If a man is having to watch porn to be entirely sexually satisfied then it is preferred he either refrains or marries again if his wife allows him to take on another sexual partner. If not then he divorces her and marries a woman who will be able to fulfil his sexual desires. Regardless, all sexual acts are permitted between husband and wife if it means not having to indulge in porn etc.

Btw all this is bullshit. Not even one piece of this is taken from the Quran. This is what I mean by various translations and interpretations, which is why Muslims only follow the teachings of the Quran, not random websites off google.
As for men marrying again, this was encouraged back in the prophet’s days because most of the women that were second or thirds wives were widows with young children and had no way to survive on their own and so a man would marry her to support her, but only upon her request and her consent.

I think you need to talk as husband and wife and leave Islam out of it, not forever but for now.

This is an issue for you as a couple, it is something that upsets you, that should concern your husband. You want more sex, that should also concern your husband.

If Islam said porn was OK would you feel differently?

I think it is quite common for converts to take their faith more seriously than those, who by luck of birth, had it put on them by family.

You mentioned 'modest' clothing, but 'modest' is different in different cultures. I never saw either of my grandmothers wear trousers.

Orthodox Jewish women also never wear trousers. They also cover their legs with tights and once married cover their hair.

JW women never wear trousers while they are at a service or 'in service' knocking on people's doors.

So which model of 'modest' do you follow? I'll bet it is from your husband's culture.

Interestingly in Iran mini skirts have never gone out of fashion. In public women have to cover up and wear a headscarf but once they are in their own homes western clothing is worn.

You converted into a faith not a culture.

I don’t see anything anyone has written that incorrect about any religion . I’m yet to know one that’s big mysogynistic or treats women in some way different to men ( and yes it’s always lesser than regardless of how it’s spun)
and yes once again I have studied religions

If a man is having to watch porn to be entirely sexually satisfied then it is preferred he either refrains or marries again if his wife allows him to take on another sexual partner. If not then he divorces her and marries a woman who will be able to fulfil his sexual desires. Regardless, all sexual acts are permitted between husband and wife if it means not having to indulge in porn etc.

This sounds like your blaming OP for her husband watching porn.

PMSL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FFS???

Have a look at the stats on the big porn sites. Huge in Muslim countries. Utter hypocrites -

No I’m not blaming OP, but society and culture which have normalised porn use. I’m not overly religious, but if my DH watches porn it wouldn’t sit right with me at all. Not all men and women watch porn. As a woman who actually has quite a high sex drive, I don’t watch porn, it actually disgusts me, yet I have a very content sexual relationship with my DH. If I was having to watch porn on a regular basis to despite it affecting my relationship with DH, then it would be obvious that my sexual needs are not being met without that dose of porn. Doesn’t make it my DH’s fault though.

You converted into a faith not a culture

In principle this may be true, but too many cultures - and muslims certainly aren't alone in this - are rather keen on picking whatever bits of their religion best suit their own wants and prejudices, and that applies right up to the religious leaders themselves

Very obviously this DH is doing the same, and if OP challenges him from an Islamic point of view, I strongly suspect she'll soon come to realise this - though whether she'll want to after all the effort she's put in is something else

Sorry OP I’m muslim and from what I’ve seen it’s usually men that decide to become religious so that they can control the women. Women are more likely to conform whereas men pick and choose. The women spend so much time on worrying about if they’re doing it right that they don’t notice what the men are getting up to. Or they’re told it’s just how it is. And porn from a non religious/muslim perspective is disgusting and is in fact watching rape. It isn’t even about religion to me.

If you want to be muslim by your choice that’s fine but you will feel a lot of resentment if you continue to see him behave like a hypocrite whereas you’re behaving how he wants as you will feel you’ve made so many sacrifices. My advice is go out and wear what you like and see his reaction. Islam doesn’t mean you lose your culture and personality despite what the dare I say extremists might say. Don’t feel coerced to follow certain rules even if you think it’s your choice, do it without the influence of your Dh. If his reaction is negative it will tell you everything. I find it odd that in many conservative muslim countries men and women dress very similar but in the U.K. men seem to love wearing western dress whereas the wives are covered head to toe etc just screams double standards to me even if it’s the woman’s choice it’s strange how the man prefers his dress but the woman prefer a more orthodox way. There are lots of men who look the part and are not hypocrites but there are plenty who like the status and respect that comes with looking religious in the community.

I also know that when people convert to Islam or when people become ‘born again’ they tend to go full throttle compared to someone who has been muslim all their life. If your husband was a born muslim chances are he’s doing more things that you may not approve of. If he became practising in later life then he needs to be understanding that you may not want to follow certain parts or are not ready. It’s a major red flag when a man has a problem with this and tells me it’s more about control than love of the religion. I pick and choose bits I like and the bits I don’t like or the bits I believe put women at a disadvantage in this day and age, we don’t live in the 7th century anymore. Many men in the family and outside of it don’t approve but I couldn’t care less as it’s between me and God. I wear hijab because I like it but wear it in a way I want to that doesn’t make me lose my fashion sense. I keep my heart pure and I judge people on their actions rather than the religion they say they follow or the clothes they wear as I’ve seen too many hypocrites so I know better. Good luck OP.

Pretty much all religions were/are designed by men, for men to benefit. Why anyone takes any notice these days is beyond me. I think you should ask him why he wasn't open with you about his problem.

So your saying the reason her husband is watching porn is because his sexual needs are not being met? To me that does sound like you're blaming OP. Her needs are not being met and yet she has not resorted to watching porn.

if he’s addicted to watching porn, that he would jeopardise his relationship with OP knowing she doesn’t like it then yes his needs are not being met. His needs have become needing porn. That’s not OPs fault though. Which is why in Islam, Muslims are told from exposing themselves to such things in the first place.
For example, I’m a smoker. I wasn’t before the age of 16. Now, my needs are not met until I’ve had my nicotine rush despite fully knowing the consequences of smoking. My DH wasn’t a big coffee drinker, now he can’t function without the stuff. We don’t blame others, but if I was Muslim and I stuck to the teaching of the Quran, then I wouldn’t have indulged in smoking and therefore prevented my “need” for that nicotine hit.
Many see it that Islam prohibits many things which actually can be advantageous to the individual in the long run.

Had the husband never watched porn as much in the first place, perhaps his sexual needs would’ve been very different to what they are now. Which is why it’s prohibited in many religions in the first place. Putting religion aside, I know non religious women complaining of how they find their DH/DP have changed in the bedroom after secretly indulging in porn and this has affected their sexual relationships. Isn’t there that phenomena called death grip or something like that? Some believe it stems from over indulgence in porn/masturbation etc and that’s killed so many relationships as a result. It’s never the partners fault that their husband/wife has sexual needs that are not being met. Everyone’s needs are different and can change. These needs are greatly affected by exposure to many environmental factors.

Lmao, I know an ex-colleague whose DH suddenly developed the need for her to spank/slap him during sex. It totally grossed her out. She couldn’t meet that sexual need of his. Not her fault as it wasn’t within the range of normal/acceptable for her. She thought it was porn and speaking to younger mates that made him want to become more adventurous? Poor woman, she was going through menopause when all this was happening and got no support from her DH at the time. She’s left work now, no idea if they are still together.

Whatever his so called ‘needs’ are the religion is big on self control and lowering one’s gaze, no matter how desperate you get. This applies to both sexes equally but in practice there seem to be 1000 excuses for men and often turns into woman blaming but if the woman dared to express dissatisfaction she’d be told to have self control, patience and all that crap. Some of the responses on here are feeding into the double standards by minimising mens’ behaviour.

HI @Abreakwouldbelovely , how're you doing now?