Porn in our religious home

[Abreakwouldbelovely]

Been awake for hours feeling upset and confused after finding last night that my DH (married 11 yrs, 3 kids) has been watching porn despite it going against our religion. I've read loads of threads on here about porn so I know there's a full spectrum of attitudes but the complicating factor here is that I converted to this religion before we married and I live by its teachings- it's tough at times, but I do it for myself and for our relationship. For example I dress v modestly, don't listen to pop music (which is viewed in the religion as too sexy) and am careful not to seem at all flirtatious with any men. My DH is outwardly religious but this feels so undermining and so unappreciative of my own efforts in our religion and relationship. We also have sex less than I'd like (which we've talked about multiple times) which makes it feel more upsetting. And yet there's a lot of good in our marriage and reasons to be together. Please share your thoughts cos right now I feel v lonely.

Hello,

In answer to your questions- how did we work through it together. It was neither quick nor linear. I carried the hurt alone for a long time.

I had counselling and also he had counselling because it’s not just about the porn. It’s the difference in values, the hypocrisy, the hurt. He actually accepted himself that there were areas of his life and ways of being that needed to be looked at. That helped immensely as there was an acceptance to be open and reflective.

I went to see a non religious counsellor and it was so refreshing to have my world view challenged but also I found my reactions to things confirmed. What I thought was ‘off’ was ‘off’ because I felt it to be ‘off’ - no ‘should’ feel, no false forgiveness, no ‘just letting it go’ when really it was a betrayal of myself. This started me on my reclaiming my own sense of self.

Was my moving away from religion gradual or sudden…Probably both. Lockdown helped because it gave me a physical distance but I had already become open to the idea that one denomination’s interpretation was not the whole of God and spirituality. I do believe in God but I am disinclined to believe the limiting and unsubstantiated theology that I used to. I am more accepting of my grey areas. Yes, I do miss the community but actually I have found that in another group.

It also helps to some extent the liberal nature of my religion as you are able to leave without being shunned or ex-communicated. So that means moving ‘away’ can be more personal and have less external opinion and judgment.

Right now, it hurts and is upsetting…I am sorry you are going through this x

When you’re connecting his porn use to your religion is it because you don’t think he should be looking at other women in a sexual way, or because he’s being turned on by particular kinds of sex you think he should be, or out of concern for the welfare of the women, or because some of the sex is misogynistic??

I think it’s important to clear this up in your mind.

The main concerning thing is that you aren’t having enough sex and that you feel religion has desexed you in your partner’s eyes. This is a deep problem and indicates your marriage isn’t working well.

Some joint therapy might be a good idea, but you also might need to do some work on yourself to consider whether you are practicing your religion in a way that works for you now, as apposed to 10 years ago. For example, as an adult you should be deciding what constitutes modest dress for you.

This ^. Your religion works for men. Porn works for men.

Dont be surprised. And if you want something different, woman up.

He is doing the easy part of religion which js the "performative" side of it.

He just ticks the boxes of what a believer must do but it doesn't mean that deep down he understands or feels it. Some are hypocrites in that they disagree with the religion but act to project a pristine imagine, some are actually clueless and think that once you have ticked the boxes you can carry on doing whatever you feel like.

Similar thing happened to me. My religion acknowledges human frailty and failing as part of who we are, so I was able to forgive my husband. I hope that he has been able to move past his desire to watch porn, or at least not allow it to become a habitual thing. This is something I have chosen to trust him on rather than letting it eat me up.

Some advice that was given to me was, "If he likes looking at a naked woman, why not give him something to look at?", which actually did help to improve both my self esteem, and our sex life. Maybe your/ your DH's view of what is appropriate for wives might make this difficult for you - I don't know.

Interesting that none of the pro-porn brigade have invaded your thread, OP. Your religion shields you from society's expectations of sexual permissiveness.

By the same token your religion places you within a different set of expectations.

My religion teaches that we are either a slave to God or a slave to the world. So make sure the master you choose is the one who loves, empowers and frees you.

For info ;

islamqa.info/en/answers/166123/is-watching-porn-haram

Many religions teach that god is the head of Jan and man the head of woman . If this is part of his belief it entirely in alignment with him seeing women as objects to be viewed and his wife’s ( a woman ) efforts as less important than his as a man.
im sorry but I have to agree with @PersonaNonGarter religion works for men , porn works for men

this is so true .… history tells the same stories of abuses discrimination and exploitation of women over and over supported by organised religions

Patriarchal religion controlling women and the men do whatever they like.

It happens in most religions too not just Islam but they are one of the more extreme at controlling women's outward appearance.

Im a Christian, work for the church but I know god doesn't care what i wear, what music I listen to etc. it's what in your heart that counts. Unfortunately it's up to women to stand up to men interpreting texts to suit their cultural views

This is all so true.

'we have talked and he's apologised but what do you do with the hurt when an apology doesn't take that away'

I'm not surprised you're still feeling hurt. Very easy to apologise and expect you to just move on, but I'm sure it doesn't go anywhere near far enough in answering your questions and reassuring that it won't happen again, because it more than likely will

And OP, I have to agree with other posters that religion and porn both work for men, not for women. The rules in religion are for women to follow, not men. In your position, I would feel confused but also furious, hurt and betrayed.

Is it possible to live in Islam but in a relaxed and more forgiving way, accepting human frailties?
He looks at porn, perhaps he needs porn. That is his real self coming to the fore. Just as those in the gay community are their real selves. People are who they are and we can seldom change them, but they need to be honest.
It is possible to live as a good and ethical person, to satisfy your own perception of virtue without sticking to someone else's rigid & imposed rules.
I don't adhere to a religion but I raise my child to be kind and respectful, to be honest with himself and others. To understand that all people are equal in value and in their rights.
I don't know what branch of Islam you belong to, but openly and honestly finding a middle ground here seems the only solution .

You didnt reply to this.

My guess is that neither of you are abiding by the qu ran.
Neither him nor you.

So only you can work out where to go from there.

I dont know quite how dangerous the religion actually is.
Not sure if I were you that I would want this thread staying on a social forum.
I noticed that, for a reason, you did not say what the religion was initially.

Classic hypocrite. I cannot stand hypocrisy, one rule for you, another for them.

Is this the only example?

I can't put it any better.

Religion is just another means to control people, especially women.

It is perfectly possible to be a sexual woman and be modest, not flirt with other men, and be faithful to your partner.

I would be concerned, from what you’ve said, that your dh is distinguishing between good women/wives and sexual women/porn. That’s a troubling mindset.

On the one hand there are the issues with porn- well articulated elsewhere.

But it’s also doing you a huge disservice. As your husband he should see you as a whole, integral person - not reduce you to a parts or roles. Marriage, in the religious sense, is the safe place for your sexuality.

Why do you dress "very modestly"?
Because these men think that women's bodies need to be policed. When women are assaulted it's their own fault.
However, rules about modest dressing and behaviour don't apply to him - he'll also behave how he wants to. That includes watching porn, or going to lap dancing clubs or whatever.

I dress v modestly, don't listen to pop music (which is viewed in the religion as too sexy) and am careful not to seem at all flirtatious with any men.

So you've signed up to a religion that is pretty misogynistic then. And now, what a surprise, the misogyny is being expressed in other ways too.

I would not be with a man that expected me to convert to a misogynist religion and follow misogynist rules.

100% agree

Yes, thank you for this thoughtful comment. I can see the appeal of porn and so a man looking at it isn't, for me, the end of the world. What you say about the need for honesty hits the nail on the head - it's the secretive nature of it, the lack of a good enough sex life but this hidden behind that. Plus it feels lazy on his part. We're supposed to be a partnership and there's me, raising 3 kids in Islam... It's hard to follow a religion without a community to support you, and he's my main support.

Reading this has made me think that I'm perhaps at a crossroads - I don't know whether to move further in to my religion to try and free myself from the pain of this world, or move away from the religion...

I agree. The free pass that men get is demonstrated on this thread too - more than one poster has suggested that religion should allow for the OP to accept his 'human frailties'.

I'm guessing that men looking at porn is an acceptable human frailty, whereas a woman dressing slight immodestly or talking to other men would be an unforgiveable lapse.

So true- definitely there's an issue of women being compartmentalized and reduced into set roles. When we have sex it's really good, but so much of my time is spent raising kids and doing the housework and being the good Muslim who prays and fasts and I feel that he forgets the sexual side of me until we make time for it.

I'm really sorry this has happened. You have sacrificed a lot to go by his rules for the religion yet he doesn't seem to be able to follow it himself. I guess you have to decide if you are willing to put up with the inequality of it all or leave the marriage because I bet you bending the rules ie listening to music and wearing what you like would not be tolerated ! It's all about keeping women In line and men doing what they want. It's horrible and I feel really sorry for you. I hope you have good support and people to talk to in real life.

I do have reservations about posting anything about this and haven't ever posted on here before but actually I'm glad I did because I'm in a bad place and there are lots of helpful comments. And yes, I recite Qu'ran in Arabic and read it all the way through gradually alongside English translation over the course of about a year then begin again.