Porn in our religious home

[Abreakwouldbelovely]

Been awake for hours feeling upset and confused after finding last night that my DH (married 11 yrs, 3 kids) has been watching porn despite it going against our religion. I've read loads of threads on here about porn so I know there's a full spectrum of attitudes but the complicating factor here is that I converted to this religion before we married and I live by its teachings- it's tough at times, but I do it for myself and for our relationship. For example I dress v modestly, don't listen to pop music (which is viewed in the religion as too sexy) and am careful not to seem at all flirtatious with any men. My DH is outwardly religious but this feels so undermining and so unappreciative of my own efforts in our religion and relationship. We also have sex less than I'd like (which we've talked about multiple times) which makes it feel more upsetting. And yet there's a lot of good in our marriage and reasons to be together. Please share your thoughts cos right now I feel v lonely.

I agree.

I don't understand why the husbands want their women to be covered and plainly dressed very quiet and subservient to the point where they loose the desire to have sex with them and actually want to look at porn stars to become aroused ! It does t make any sense. The religion almost kills the sex In the marriage by the making the women bland and without any sex appeal.

It's about controlling their women. They have wives to have a family and children. They don't want those wives to be looked at or fancied by other men, or risk their wives and daughters looking at men.
They themselves can behave how they want to.

Just what I was going to say.

Religion undoubtedly favours men and is often used as a way to control women.

It's all about you moderating and changing your behaviour while your husband does as he pleases.

I’m religious. No body needs porn. And in a marriage frankly it’s a form of cheating. And it can be addictive. It dehumanizes women. Would he want his daughter or wife to be a porn actress? I very much suspect not.
Needs to be some frank conversations and he should be agreeing to give it up. Fight the new drug is a good resource

''@ChloeKellyIsAnIcon I was all ready to come on here and say that most men watch porn and there's not much harm in it.''

I am getting so tired of seeing so many women blindly parroting this line...

Of course there are issues with the current widespread availability and use of porn:

• it routinely shows degrading and violent acts against women. It gives men the message that sex is something you do to women rather than something that needs to be enjoyed by both parties
• it poisons the dating scene. You only have to read the many stories of women who come across men who think rough sex, chocking and anal sex are routine parts of love making and who don't seem to get the concept of consent
• it gives teenage boys who are getting their ''sex education'' from porn a widely unrealistic view of what sex is
• it is product and like any product the people who make it want to make money and for viewers to become hooked on it. They often do that by showing increasingly extreme scenarios
• some of the people you see in these videos will be trafficked, forced or tricked into being filmed by dodgy partners.

So yes of course there is a lot of harm in porn....

Anyway, going back to the OP I am afraid this shows a lot of the hypocrisy of religions, especially those who have a patriarchal origin, as in the end women will be judged and their behaviour scrutinised more harshly than the men who also follow the same faith.

I would have a conversation with your partner and tell him you are surprised and disappointed by what you found.

It is perfectly OK not to want your partner to use porn and to expect him to have the same values as you do and to respect the same rules that you are asked to follow from a religious point of view.

‘Enjoin believing men to restrain their gaze and guard their private parts. That is purer for them. Surely Allah is well aware of all what they do.’ Qur’an 24:30

‘No man or woman should look at the naked body of each other (unless married).’ Prophet Mohammed pbuh in Sahih Muslim Hadith

The OP’s husband is committing a haram act. In the context of the family faith, this should be a starting point for the discussion.

The amount of people here talking on a platform as if they know what the religion islam is about without any research or background is ridiculous and quite frankly islamophobic. Porn in islam is haram (forbidden/not allowed), full stop, no ifs, no buts and is EQUALLY haram for Men AND women. People seem to think because someone is a Muslim, they are therefore the perfect embodiment of what a Muslim should be, why is that? They are still human, they make mistakes, these mistakes are their own and not on the basis of their faith. Is it because he's a Muslim he can no longer make mistakes? Have issues/problems? That's bizarre and unfair to put on anyone , regardless of what faith they follow or don't follow. This situation has multiple issues, ranging from your husband taking accountability for his wrong actions, what steps he'll take to rectify and ensure it doesn't happen again but also yourself, the issue of intimacy within your marriage is something perhaps you need to discuss with him and a Counsellor, especially if you feel you're not satisfied, especially since in islam, a woman's right to intimacy and pleasure is her right and should not be dismissed. Finally, regarding your own level of faith, and this is imperative, your faith is between you and God, it shouldn't hinge on your husbands actions, his actions have nothing to do with your level of faith, your husband is not perfect, he's just like you, human. His mistakes he is responsible for, not his faith. And likewise your faith, you are responsible for. I think a deeper reflection is required on what islam means to you and really how it can help you and not hinder you.

And yet the Madonna/Whore complex is a well documented thing, and that sort of fetishisation of different women crops up in many different religions.

And yet the Madonna/Whore complex is a well documented thing, and that sort of fetishisation of different women crops up in many different religions.

@Whitehorsegirl - those are all excellent points about porn, and why it's increasingly dangerous.
The women that are ok with husbands watching it need to think about the wider issues.
This is an example of a man who wants his wife effectively secluded to serve his wants, but will spend money getting satisfaction from seeing other women degraded.
He'll justify it somehow.

Unfortunately religious beliefs won’t stop him from doing mens things. Often cultural beliefs take precedence over religious and place an uneven balance between male and female expectations and roles. Sadly in this instance I think you may be naive to assume that because he’s outwardly religious it’s his true character.

@Rosethorne66 - no, women on here aren't claiming to know about Islam nor blaming Islam per se.
Most of us are in agreement about women being controlled by patriarchal systems, owned and abused and mistreated by men who use religion to suit themselves.

Some advice that was given to me was, "If he likes looking at a naked woman, why not give him something to look at?", which actually did help to improve both my self esteem, and our sex life.

There is so much wromg with this, I do't know where to start.

Women made to be sex objects. "Something" ; yes, thing is the right word.

Women made to (try to) compete and pull their husband away from porn, which he knows well and good he shouldn't be watching for a no. of reasons.

The fact that he already has "something" to look at, but chooses to watch porn and is actually not providing op with the sex life *& intimacy she'd prefer.

Them behind all this is the controlling, victim blame'y, restriticve, repressive, misogynistic rules op has to follow.

Your post suggest it's up to op to solve this/partly solve this ...... no it is not.

It is up to op's husband to solve this ... by engaging with his religious mentor/leader, admitting to it, discussing, making plans for how he'll never watch it again, and stick to that, asking for forgiveness etc. That's his religion ... the one op sticks to, the one op converted to for him.

It is his fault, his failure, his "sin" so he should solve it. Op is a victim, it's not her responsibilty.

'no, women on here aren't claiming to know about Islam nor blaming Islam per se.'

Indeed. In fact, the OPs husband reminds me of my Catholic father, and my friends Christian minister father - outwardly the devoted family man, but found out to be secretly cheating and using porn for years. These men only follow the rules as long as it suits them - if found out, they 'apologise' and that's supposed to be the end of it, because that's what's convenient for them. You're not allowed to have your own feelings and to process them in your own time

your husband taking accountability for his wrong actions, what steps he'll take to rectify and ensure it doesn't happen again but also yourself

Yes, and what solid steps has he taken so far?

OP the religion is almost irrelevant here other than he claims to be practicing.

I speak Arabic and have lived in and had extended visits in some Arabic-speaking, Muslim countries. Porn is prolific. Years ago in the age of Internet cafes, I used to sit amongst 15 guys watching porn while I wrote emails. They'd hide it by having the screen facing the wall, but that was it.

I'm completely, totally hardline anti porn. But here the issue seems to be that you as a convert/revert have an idealised view of the religion and those who practice it - or claim to. That's totally normal too. I've seen that often those who actively choose to follow a religion, for whatever reason, follow it more closely and in the spirit than those who were born into it.

In your thoughts reminder that you don't have to be Muslim to be married to him - not religiously anyway.

My husband is of a different religion to me. I have said that all spiritual learning from his religion a to come from him. It's interesting how little he seems to care about it in comparison to the idea of me doing it.

I'm not telling you not to be Muslim - as that's a whole other issue. I know there are very comforting and beautiful parts to the religion too. But you maybe have a bit more leeway in how you deal with all of this than you think.

Also, an alternative option is speaking to the imam! I mean unlike other religions, in Islam a husband is supposed to satisfy his wife. So he's not fully meeting his responsibilities if he's reducing his sexual interactions with you because of porn.

He has what I call a 'pick and mix' attitude to religion.
I am in no way religious but you need to communicate with him. Be sure if what you want, whether that's him becoming more abiding or you also pick and mixing your religion
FWIW religion in anything leads to trouble

Shock horror! Man use religion to control woman while doing what the hell he likes.

Are you actually surprised?

but also yourself, the issue of intimacy within your marriage is something perhaps you need to discuss with him and a Counsellor, especially if you feel you're not satisfied, especially since in islam, a woman's right to intimacy and pleasure is her right and should not be dismissed

Why should op be in the counselling/be taking responsbility.

Its fairly obvious that if he wasn't whacking off to porn , he;d have more focus, energy etc for a sex life with op.

If he's desexualised op, dur to the restrictions and views of their religion, again that's not op's responsibility.

This man should be in crisis mode, worried about divorce due to this discovery; instead he appears to have offered a weak apology, has said nothing about what he plan to do to make sure he doesn't watch porn again and improves their sex life, and I'll be honest; I think he'll go back to watching it and just try to hide it better.

i would most definitely be going to see my religious leader OP to ask for advice. i wouldn't do nothing about it.
I'm not your religion but I have a very deep personal faith that involves respect for all things and all beings which means living peacefully and not eating animal products.
I could never live with anyone who watched porn because it goes against every aspect of my faith and beliefs. You only have to watch one documentary about porn and how it is made to understand how it ruins lives and connects to other criminal groups.
I would not allow anyone to bring evil like that into my house.

Sounds like classic ‘madonna-whore syndrome.’ He’s been brought up to believe that women are either ‘good’ (modest, maternal, devout, and sexless) or ‘bad’ (not religious, highly sexual, immodest). He believes women should be his version of ‘good’ and encouraged you to be like that, but he is, naturally, turned on by sexual women. He probably feels ashamed of himself and in a muddle.

This is a pretty common problem I think. My friend once had to do a raid on a mosque for security reasons (outside UK) and you would not believe the amount of porn the men had hidden in the mosque. Dark stuff, apparently.

Before you get too angry with him, remember that he is also a victim of his upbringing. He needs to get away from this madonna/whore idea and that would also help the sexual side of your marriage. Maybe encourage him to see a secular therapist to explore his beliefs and feelings towards women and sex.

him controlling what you wear and the music you listen to is a red flag to begin with, the hypocrisy is the cherry on top. ltb

Op You say you feel you are at a crossroads. I do sympathise with all that you are going through right now and how confusing it must be. Reading your account, for me the issue would be that your H has done a double betrayal - he is watching other women who are undressed and "sexy" while not allowing you to be so. And you took on these restrictions in order to share his religion with him, yet he has not kept to his side of the religious bargain. It is more than hypocrisy on his part. It is a betrayal of your relationship twice over. Can you step back a bit, maybe go away for a while to reflect on whether to go deeper into this particular religion, or to find God in some other less culturally specific way?
Personally I think you would feel happier and more fulfilled if you lessened the restrictions on yourself and no longer kept to the strict prohibitions you do now. You can have a personal relationship with God, whatever name you have for him, without a highly restrictive lifestyle. The restrictions on your lifestyle are really more cultural than religious, and designed by men to control women. You can refuse to be controlled by men's rules, and find yourself instead. As another poster said upthread, God does not care what you wear or what you eat or don't eat - it is what is in your heart that matters.

See a counsellor or therapist - a secular one who can give you perspective from the outside. Hope it all goes well.