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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

…do this in the bedroom?

116 replies

Jemmajemma · 19/08/2022 14:17

The other night my partner put his hands on/ around my neck
not hard or tight but I didn’t like it.
i pushed them off and he put them back on
the next day i said Whats that all about I didn’t like that. He said its just pretend, role play etc…

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 19/08/2022 14:20

Nope. Nope. Nope. Dangerous and scary. It’s not pretend and you told him to stop but he ignored you. I wouldn’t stay with him, I wouldn’t feel safe.

mooshypooshy · 19/08/2022 14:21

i pushed them off and he put them back on
This is the problem. You didn't like it, he carried on doing it.
Big Red Flag! You need to have strong words with him and tell him that is NOT accceptable.
If he does it again knee him in the privates and tell him that's role play. Then dump him.

Original poster
Jemmajemma · 19/08/2022 14:22

I should say this is a long term relationship but this is quite a new thing.
also it wasn’t hard or rough etc…

OP posts:
Isittrueornot · 19/08/2022 14:24

Some people like things like that as it turns them on and some don’t. It’s not really a problem him doing it, trying something new, the problem is you said no and he didn’t listen, that’s the problem. You need to have a conversation with him about it as he is not listening.

TheBestBitch · 19/08/2022 14:25

wecantconsenttothis.uk/

Don't tolerate this for one minute.

ItsRainingPens · 19/08/2022 14:26

My DH did something like this early on in the relationship. I said I didn't like it and he was mortified and has never shown any signs of doing anything like it again. If your partner won't respect your boundaries, then you need to get out

picklemewalnuts · 19/08/2022 14:27

Isittrueornot · 19/08/2022 14:24

Some people like things like that as it turns them on and some don’t. It’s not really a problem him doing it, trying something new, the problem is you said no and he didn’t listen, that’s the problem. You need to have a conversation with him about it as he is not listening.

It's a problem!

You ask, surely? What do you think of this, do you like it?

Otherwise, why not piss on him if you fancy it? It's not really a problem. It might turn him on.

FartSock5000 · 19/08/2022 14:35

This is a huge red flag.

You should have a sit down talk with him about consent and make him understand that 'no' doesn't mean do it again.

If he can't respect your boundaries, he can't respect you and you don't have a relationship.

NeverHadANickname · 19/08/2022 14:41

Things like this need to be discussed and consented to before happening. The fact he tried it anyway and then did it again even after you moved his hands is a definite no.

Catzlife · 19/08/2022 14:45

I have no idea why anyone would want to pretend to strangle their partner during sex without having ever mentioned anything about it before. It’s just weird.

PussGirl · 19/08/2022 14:46

If you don't like something and say so then that ought to be the end of it. Not just sexually - anything. The fact that he did it again is worse than his doing it in the first place.

"Just role play" is fine as long as everyone is playing the same game!

slowquickstep · 19/08/2022 14:47

I think your DP has been watching too much porn. Tell him if he does it again he is gone.

Carrieonmywaywardsun · 19/08/2022 14:48

The whole point of kink is everyone consents to it, otherwise it's assault. If he wants to introduce some spice, he should've discussed it with you.

RaRaRaspoutine · 19/08/2022 14:51

SO MANY MEN do this. It's horrifying. Like they've all secretly got a thing about killing women. Every man I've been with, they've attempted it. Otherwise they are all nice as pie, it's just that ONE massive red flag. Creepy as fuck.

hotfroth · 19/08/2022 14:53

Hell no.

Whitehorsegirl · 19/08/2022 14:55

''I pushed them off and he put them back on.''

That would be it for me. Completely unacceptable.

I really don't get why so many thinks it is OK to just randomly do this.

Forcefield · 19/08/2022 15:15

I am aware that this is a 'kink' which is common these days. Thankfully not when I was young.

Recently I was seeing a lovely man for a few months. When he was a small child his parents were a murder-suicide case. His father had strangled his mother.

I don't ever think I can see it as 'just a kink' again.

(To be clear, the guy I was seeing never expressed interest in doing this... perhaps understandably)

abovedecknotbelow · 19/08/2022 15:19

I'd be getting rid of him asap. He went against your wishes, it wasn't consensual. What a fuck.

Porn has an awful lot to answer for.

Watchkeys · 19/08/2022 15:26

Whats that all about I didn’t like that. He said its just pretend, role play etc

Did he also say he was sorry and that he would never do something on purpose that you didn't like, and that he'll never do it again, and that he'll talk to you first if he ever wants to do anything sexually to you that you haven't done before?

Even if he did say all those things, it's still not good that you pushed him off and he did it again. But I don't think he did say those things, did he? Because when he said it was role play, he was justifying himself, without realising that the whole point of role play is that everybody knows and is comfortable in their role.

Original poster
Jemmajemma · 19/08/2022 15:30

No he brushed it off as though it was nothing @Watchkeys

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 19/08/2022 15:34

I think you need to make it clear that

  1. you didnt like it, you dont like it and he never does it again
  2. any type of pretend role play has to be discussed first and agreed

And that if he doesnt like this it is a dealbreaker for you. How would he feel to have someone bigger than him do that without asking even if it was pretend - because even in pretend it is a definite power move

Caminante · 19/08/2022 15:36

Catzlife · 19/08/2022 14:45

I have no idea why anyone would want to pretend to strangle their partner during sex without having ever mentioned anything about it before. It’s just weird.

I would guess the DP has been watching some porn.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/08/2022 15:37

He didn't ask. Then,

You didn't like it, he carried on doing it.

Then, he behaved as if there wasn't an issue.

Porn sick, escalating, ignores consent. Nopey nope nope.

JenGin · 19/08/2022 15:38

I quite like it sometimes, if the mood's right, and it's entirely consensual. If it ever happened even once after I've said I don't want it then that would be it for me.

I'd give him the benefit of the doubt this time but now he 100% knows you don't like it so if he ever ever tries it again then that should be it for him.

mondaytosunday · 19/08/2022 15:38

Sit down with him and say this is not something you enjoy or want to try. And also talk about how any time you ask him to stop doing something he must. How he reacts to this will help you decide if you want to continue this relationship.
There was a piece on a radio 4 today how breathe play is being normalised die to how often it's featured in porn. If you don't like it make it clear outside of the bedroom.