…do this in the bedroom?

[Jemmajemma]

The other night my partner put his hands on/ around my neck
not hard or tight but I didn’t like it.
i pushed them off and he put them back on
the next day i said Whats that all about I didn’t like that. He said its just pretend, role play etc…

@Haffiana
Eloquent and well-expressed post…
Full of worrying truths that we all need to consider.

Absolutely this. Well said.

And also, violent acts such as choking are more likely than non violent acts to instigate a freeze response from the recipient.

And as hopefully any right thinking person knows, freezing / not saying 'no' does NOT equate consent when the violent act was done without warning or discussion.

It would be depressing enough to hear male apologists for this kind of behaviour but hearing female ones is even worse.

Trying to choke an unconsenting woman isn't role play.

It's literally trying choking an unconsenting women.

It's only role play if both partners consent to their roles in advance.

Been watching too much porn. It's sick

Who the fuck do these men think they are , bringing their sick porn fantasies of killing a woman into the bedroom when she’s expressed zero internet in that . Wtaf
the fact he even tried that on with me would make me question a man’s feelings towards women and his association of sex with murdering women …I just could look at him again

Choking is absolutely a kink that needs to be discussed before it takes places. It's beyond the realms of comfortable and safe sexual practice for most so to 'try it out' isn't really acceptable. If I squat over my husbands face and piss all over him I don't think posters would agree I had the right to 'try it out' you would be inclined to agree that's a kink that needed consent beforehand. So definitely do not try to normalise choking please just because 'you like it' cos lets face it, ita not really normal is it? That's the issue. I like hands around my neck but only from my husband. We had been together many years and I asked him for it. He actually didn't feel comfortable at first so it works both ways. I think OPs situation is entirely different and definitely a red flag that he presumed to choke her and then repeated it after she told him no. That's wrong and would have caught me completely off guard even though I like it.

rubbish … the issue was not ONLY that he didn’t stop it was that HE DID IT IN THE FIRST PLACE
all this rubbish about kink shaming … why are YOU shaming people that don’t condone the strangling of a woman during sex when she’s said not one damn word about wanting that
stop being an apologist for male violence because whether if turns you it a small amount of women on or not that’s exactly what it is … the act of strangling a woman and reenacting the very real life murders that happen to women and girls around the world daily by men . Sexual violence committed against women is a very HUGE issue normalising this type of behaviour ad if men can just think it’s something the majority women like is a big part of the problem
if you want to mix sex and violence then that’s something for you to talk to you partner about ! NOT something for a man just to TRY out on a woman !
if strongly suggest instead of using your own sexual desires as a gauge you educate yourself on how violent pornography and the response of men and how they treat women is hurting women and girls

Choking is absolutely a kink that needs to be discussed before it takes place

this this this

When it comes to those who think men should be able to try it out on women it never seems to stop

got to wonder , with that mentality if he can try out stranglling her is it also ok for him to try out , say , violent anal penetration ? blindfolding her and sneaking another person into the room ? ,photographing her without consent ? Publishing said photos ???? ? A how bout just cutting her ever so slightly with a small blade … i mean where does it stop if women are not the ones to decide and ask and men can just try anything they desire no matter how dangerous , scary or just plain unwanted ?????????

And no ‘trying it and putting someone in a position where they might freeze or feel unable to speak up os not giving them autonomy ….

seems to some people women are just objects for mens enjoyment or to let them feel powerful no matter how sick their desires

can you imagine if someone said oh she should be allowed to just try out penetrating him with a large object unasked , bringing another man into the room or exposing his violent porn history to his family and workplace , just to try out how powerful it made her feel

Great post. I don’t think it’s so much the hand around the neck that’s the issue - it’s much more about the fact that a. OP didn’t consent and b. he didn’t immediately stop when she said no.

If it’s something both parties actively WANT to do and consent to then they can fill their boots; without the consent then absolutely not. (Though I would add that this also only applies to a degree - in English law you cannot consent to something which amounts to GBH).

It's over. He thinks he can do whatever in the bedroom and override your clear objections. That rape and abuse.

Some women may like it, but you don't and you made that clear. He continued anyway.

If you choose to stay, next time he does that you need to stop the sex and leave the room. Don't continue despite your views being disregarded.

But also, if you stay, you need to have a serious think about why he's doing this and whether that sits right with you. You deserve respect.

I do blame porn for this, they watch this crap thinking it's the bloody norm then try and carry it out on partners in normal life.

Its a NO and a thousand times NO. You tell him NO firmly and he does it again dump him quick. Perhaps he would like to be strangled for fun in role play.......I can guess the answer.

As a side, I read recently read that Doctors are having real problems in women's health due to massive increases in women being persuaded into anal sex. Women's rectal paths being significantly thinner then men and internal injury or problems later down the line during child birth from earlier damage and cases of permanent defecation incontinence. Shocking frankly.

If you are not comfortable with something you should say no and they should respect that.

@Haffiana great post, whilst reading this my biggest thought was my daughter and the kind of shit she will have to deal with. There will have to be lots of talks about boundaries and telling blokes to fucking do one if they behave like the OPs partner.

It scares me, it really does.

However mothers of sons need to have honest conversations about the porn industry and just how inappropriate some of the acts are within that. I’ve already had that conversation with my teenage son after finding out his friend had shown him porn, and I’ll keep reminding him of that as soon as he’s anywhere near a sexual relationship.

OP the bloke who you have sounds a delight, please get rid and find someone who knows what consent means.

I'm middle-aged. I had lots of boyfriends and sexual partners when I was younger. Not a single one has ever, ever put his hands around my neck. This is all down to fucking porn. It's so scary- and even more scary that so many women seem so accepting of this and that it has become normalised. How is "role-playing" strangulation in any way sexy?

Same - the prevalence of this, and the normalisation of it, is a more recent thing. Its entirely porn driven.

Same here too. It seems to be part of a Men’s Rights war on women. And I can see how the explosion in porn availability online led to men needing ever more extreme stuff to get any thrill. How do we counter that?