Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

…do this in the bedroom?

116 replies

Jemmajemma · 19/08/2022 14:17

The other night my partner put his hands on/ around my neck
not hard or tight but I didn’t like it.
i pushed them off and he put them back on
the next day i said Whats that all about I didn’t like that. He said its just pretend, role play etc…

OP posts:
Original poster
Jemmajemma · 19/08/2022 15:44

Thanks everyone
yes i defo think he’s been watching too much

OP posts:
Pascaliisafrenchymathysyperson · 19/08/2022 15:48

There is a kink called 'breath play' - a very benign word for a very dangerous practice. The kind of sexual Russian roulette that kills when it goes too far.

It can be a solo 'game' (auto erotic asphyxiation) or 'played by two' where one ' strangles' the other .. not sure what the 'pay out' is. I guess it will be to do with Orgasm intensity.

It's a very very dangerous and stupid thing to do which has been popularised through porn. (No surprise there then)

Tell him that this is not something you are into or will ever be into. He needs to bash his head against the wall and stop thinking with his dick.

Annabananna1 · 19/08/2022 15:51

It can be hot for some people in the right situation & mood. But you made clear you didn't want it and he went on to do it again. That is bad.

He should be ashamed.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 19/08/2022 15:51

Pretending to strangle you turns him on?

Seriously? Don't let him gaslight you into letting this pass.

layladomino · 19/08/2022 15:53

I couldn't fancy someone who is turned on by the idea of strangling someone.
I couldn't stay with someone who, despite knowing you don't like it, does it again (ie only his pleasure matters to him, even if it causes you upset).
I couldn't respect someone who tries to gaslight me in to thinking that him getting his kicks from pretending to kill me is OK. That I'm wrong to not like it.

Wrong that he tried it without checking with you. Wrong that he did it again after you'd told him to stop. Wrong that he's now telling you that you are wrong not to like it and he can keep doing things you don't like for his own kicks.

Yuk.

EmergencyHepNeeded · 19/08/2022 15:54

It's really hard to believe that women are involved with this sort of thing. I would think I was being murdered if somebody did it to me.

Watchkeys · 19/08/2022 15:54

Jemmajemma · 19/08/2022 15:30

No he brushed it off as though it was nothing @Watchkeys

Yeah, that's him brushing off your most intimate of communications. Are you going to stay with him? If so, what do you think he'd do if you talked to him seriously about this? If you told him he'd crossed a widely recognised boundary ('No means no')?

JenGin · 19/08/2022 15:58

EmergencyHepNeeded · 19/08/2022 15:54

It's really hard to believe that women are involved with this sort of thing. I would think I was being murdered if somebody did it to me.

It's really quite a turn on at times. I'm talking about very light pressure, though, where it's just more to simulate control/dominance. Actually squeezing isn't for me, though, and while still reasonably common, can be very dangerous as others have said.

Watchkeys · 19/08/2022 16:05

EmergencyHepNeeded · 19/08/2022 15:54

It's really hard to believe that women are involved with this sort of thing. I would think I was being murdered if somebody did it to me.

Your view is just that though. It's not universal. Some people like it, some people don't. Consent is the important thing, not whether anybody finds it strange or not.

GreyCarpet · 19/08/2022 16:06

I had a fwb who did this once. Not hard, he just placed his hand on my throat. Not even any pressure really because he was gauging my response. I do like things quite, um, rough on occasion but don't like this. I said no. He stopped and apologised profusely afterwards and just said he thought I might like it cos of the other stuff - which was reasonable. I said it was fine because it was - he tried it, I said no, he stopped.

I had sex with him several times and he never tried it again.

That's how it should work, OP.

Rodion · 19/08/2022 16:08

The putting his hands back on and then the dismissing of it as nothing the next day so that you feel you might be wrong for minding are very bad signs. I'd be reconsidering this relationship over that. If he'd tried it, respected that you didnt like it and was mortified then i might be ok with it (might). But his reaction suggests he has no ability or willingness to see this from the point of view of the person getting strangled - very alarming imo.

DarkShade · 19/08/2022 16:32

It's awful he didn't ask you, and I would leave someone who put their hands back on my neck after I'd taken them off.

StanleyStanleyStanley · 19/08/2022 16:38

No, it’s never reasonable to just ‘try’ because you might like it. Or because it’s turn on for him. Or because it’s something no. It is a complete no to ever try without explicit consent every single time.

I always see on threads about strangling women saying they like it - okay, let’s say that’s true. My question though is why would you want to have anything to do with a man who gets off on ‘pretending’ to strangle someone? What is the possibly turn on about that?

Would you find it amusing if he applied a bit of pressure around an animals neck to ‘pretend’ to strange or would it repulse you?

wellhelloitsme · 19/08/2022 16:38

mondaytosunday · 19/08/2022 15:38

Sit down with him and say this is not something you enjoy or want to try. And also talk about how any time you ask him to stop doing something he must. How he reacts to this will help you decide if you want to continue this relationship.
There was a piece on a radio 4 today how breathe play is being normalised die to how often it's featured in porn. If you don't like it make it clear outside of the bedroom.

If you don't like it make it clear outside of the bedroom.

She made it clear IN the bedroom but he did it again despite that.

Are we back to telling women they aren't saying 'no' in the right way or loud enough?

Jesus.

wellhelloitsme · 19/08/2022 16:41

@mondaytosunday

And also talk about how any time you ask him to stop doing something he must. How he reacts to this will help you decide if you want to continue this relationship.

I'm sorry but you think OP should teach a grown man the concept of consent and judge him on his reaction to what she says?

Instead of OP ending the relationship with a grown man who doesn't respect the concept of consent already?

It baffles me that women are encouraging other women to stay with men they have to teach not to assault or frighten them.

Peoniesandcream · 19/08/2022 16:43

Yeah the problem was him trying it again after you said no. You need to be firm with him over this.

Peoniesandcream · 19/08/2022 16:46

@Pascaliisafrenchymathysyperson it's not stupid or dangerous as a practice, part of normal sex for some people. The problem wasn't the act itself but that he didn't stop after she made it clear she didn't like it. Let's not start the typical MN kink shaming.

Pollyjun · 19/08/2022 16:48

My partner loves this, but asked me to do it. Has never done it to me, and I’ve never asked.
It should be pretty clear you don’t like it by the way you reacted to it. Bring it up in the cold light of day and tell them to not do it again. If they do then show them the door.

Oopsiedaisyy · 19/08/2022 16:55

I like it, and hair pulling etc, but i would always expect that if i said to anyone hey, not really for me THEY WOULD APOLOGISE AND NEVER DO IT AGAIN

Thats what caring about your partner is about

Ziggyisthebestdogintheworld · 19/08/2022 17:09

I remember seeing a guy a few years ago and he’d grip my throat so hard it felt like I was going blue-I know I passed out once but came back round a few seconds later

i asked him not to do it,then told him not to

he laughed it off as ‘harmless fun’

we broke up and I told him straight that I hated it and what he’d done was,in fact,assault

he laughed-‘you fucking enjoyed it-that’s why I did it’

and then went round all my friends and told them that I was ‘frigid’ ‘she enjoyed it’ and ‘I would have stopped if she asked me to’ (I hadn’t said anything-I was ashamed and my sex life is private)

im still friends with the ones who told him how out of order he was-both for telling them about my private sex life and that it was in fact,assault

the ones that laughed it off and said I was over reacting can go to hell

the guy I’m with now wouldn’t dream of anything like this-I once mentioned I’d like to be (lightly) slapped and he recoiled in horror at the thought of hurting me

its the porn culture that shows men that we are meat,we are only there for their pleasure and that ‘sex acts that have gone wrong’ has been used in court to get these bastards off prisons sentences-to strangle someone uses pure brute force-but if she ‘agreed’ to the old slap in bed,(and that’s up to her if she wants that!) it’s her own fault if he takes it further and kills her

Pascaliisafrenchymathysyperson · 19/08/2022 17:20

Peoniesandcream · 19/08/2022 16:46

@Pascaliisafrenchymathysyperson it's not stupid or dangerous as a practice, part of normal sex for some people. The problem wasn't the act itself but that he didn't stop after she made it clear she didn't like it. Let's not start the typical MN kink shaming.

Yeah right.. strangulation/breath play is now a 'normal' part of sex.

Yet another glorious dominant kink for men to accuse those who don't want to engage - as somehow not 'normal' and feel obliged to acquiesce.

You contradict yourself by calling it 'kink shaming ' whilst at the same time trying to say that it's 'the norm '

Complete and utter bollox . Games where one partner deprives the other of Oxygen are obviously dangerous and very stupid. But if you are happy with the danger and are requisitely stupid - then crack on if it makes you happy.

diddl · 19/08/2022 17:23

He tried something dangerous without asking first & then tried again after you had stopped him!

Just dump him.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/08/2022 17:25

The problem wasn't the act itself but that he didn't stop after she made it clear she didn't like it. Let's not start the typical MN kink shaming.

Of course it's not typical to pretend to assault someone. And no, the problem is t solely not stopping. The problem is also staring before he had consent. It's not the absence of a no, it's the presence of a yes.

Explaining consent shouldn't have to happen in adulthood.

DottyLittleRainbow · 19/08/2022 17:31

Massive 🚩