Page 3 | …do this in the bedroom?

Jemmajemma · 2022-08-19T13:17:42+00:00

The other night my partner put his hands on/ around my neck not hard or tight but I didn’t like it. i pushed them off and he put them back on the next day i said Whats that all about I didn’t like that. He said its just pretend, role play etc…

Peoniesandcream · 19/08/2022 17:33

If you're going to quote me do it properly. I said it's a normal part of sex for SOME people. If you don't like it, don't do it. The only people who make it dangerous are the ones who deliberately do it wrong. You can't accidentally kill someone from choking, you would need to continue for a few minutes after the person was unconscious. No one I've ever done this with has made me pass out, because they didn't want to.

category12 · 19/08/2022 17:52

@Peoniesandcream No, it IS a dangerous practice.

If you enjoy it, fair enough, it's your body, your risk - but don't fool yourself it's not dangerous and normalise it to others.

Nothing that restricts oxygen intake is safe.

Quartz2208 · 19/08/2022 17:55

Anything like this though should be discuss outside of the bedroom before it is ever in the bedroom. The problem with the current porn culture it that is has brought things like this more into the mainstream but without any of the rules and customs.

Nothing like this should ever be implemented without clear consent and boundaries in advance

@Peoniesandcream I would hope for you there are clear rules and boundaries and a safe word/action to stop and you trust the other person.

None of that was present here

ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 19/08/2022 17:56

Yeah right.. strangulation/breath play is now a 'normal' part of sex. Yet another glorious dominant kink for men to accuse those who don't want to engage - as somehow not 'normal' and feel obliged to acquiesce.

Exactly. I would never let a man touch me again if he did that. Wanting to stop someone breathing, or letting someone do that to you, is not a harmless kink.

Original poster

Jemmajemma · 19/08/2022 17:57

No @diddl he didn’t actually squeeze or hold tight he just put his hands there lightly so it wasn’t actually dangerous but i still didn’t like it…

OP posts:

Original poster

Jemmajemma · 19/08/2022 17:58

Also bum slapping hard, to which i said stop and he said no and done it again saying your a bitch

OP posts:

FieldOverFence · 19/08/2022 18:01

Jesus christ who are these men that think slapping a woman is ok without any prior conversation about it ... and then repeating it when you said no

Serious conversation, don't ever pull a stunt like that again ...and don't give another chance after that if he does

Emmelina · 19/08/2022 18:02

He needs to lay off the porn and to respect your boundaries. You told him you didn’t like it and he did it again. He smacks your behind and calls you a bitch, you say no, he does it again. He is abusive.

category12 · 19/08/2022 18:02

I think you should dump him, @Jemmajemma

He's doing things non-consensually and he's dismissive about you not wanting it.

That's not the sort of person to keep sleeping with.

KentuckyDerbyandJoan · 19/08/2022 18:04

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/08/2022 14:20

Nope. Nope. Nope. Dangerous and scary. It’s not pretend and you told him to stop but he ignored you. I wouldn’t stay with him, I wouldn’t feel safe.

This,
I would end this relationship immediately.

velvetvixen · 19/08/2022 18:05

He is just an abuser now after your update.

Ladyof2022 · 19/08/2022 18:08

Definitely talk to him outside of the bedroom and say

"If you put your hands on my neck like that again, we're finished. No ifs or buts. Is that clear?"

Adversity · 19/08/2022 18:09

WTF you need to get rid of him and let him know why and do not get taken in my him apologising.

ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 19/08/2022 18:10

Choking is a common form of domestic violence. Luckily the government is taking action against it:
www.gov.uk/government/publications/domestic-abuse-bill-2020-factsheets/strangulation-and-suffocation

The Act creates a new criminal offence of non-fatal strangulation or suffocation. The offence will apply to any case where a person intentionally strangles or suffocates another person, including in cases of domestic abuse.

In the debates on the Bill, more than half of the speakers argued that this very dangerous practice, which is little noted currently by police, should immediately be criminalised. Use of non-fatal strangulation increases seven-fold the risk of being killed by a perpetrator and can often cause internal injury

The lobby groups, We Can’t Consent to This (WCCTT) and the Centre for Women’s Justice (CWJ), called for a free-standing offence of non-fatal strangulation or asphyxiation in late April 2020. …..

the new offence will also include a defence. This is set out in section 75A(2), providing a defence for a person accused of strangulation or suffocation to show that the other person (the victim) consented to being strangled or to any other act that affected their ability to breathe. It will be for the defendant to provide sufficient evidence to raise the consent defence and the prosecution will then have to prove that to the contrary beyond reasonable doubt.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 19/08/2022 18:11

He has no respect for you, and you quite rightly don't trust him, so there is no relationship, just how much misery you want to suffer before you escape.

Redruby2020 · 19/08/2022 18:19

ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 19/08/2022 18:10

Choking is a common form of domestic violence. Luckily the government is taking action against it:
www.gov.uk/government/publications/domestic-abuse-bill-2020-factsheets/strangulation-and-suffocation

The Act creates a new criminal offence of non-fatal strangulation or suffocation. The offence will apply to any case where a person intentionally strangles or suffocates another person, including in cases of domestic abuse.

In the debates on the Bill, more than half of the speakers argued that this very dangerous practice, which is little noted currently by police, should immediately be criminalised. Use of non-fatal strangulation increases seven-fold the risk of being killed by a perpetrator and can often cause internal injury

The lobby groups, We Can’t Consent to This (WCCTT) and the Centre for Women’s Justice (CWJ), called for a free-standing offence of non-fatal strangulation or asphyxiation in late April 2020. …..

the new offence will also include a defence. This is set out in section 75A(2), providing a defence for a person accused of strangulation or suffocation to show that the other person (the victim) consented to being strangled or to any other act that affected their ability to breathe. It will be for the defendant to provide sufficient evidence to raise the consent defence and the prosecution will then have to prove that to the contrary beyond reasonable doubt.

Hallelujah!

Quartz2208 · 19/08/2022 18:36

So he is slapping you calling you a bitch and not listening to your no

Yes I would leave because he is not listening to your boundaries at all

Happygirl79 · 19/08/2022 18:41

mooshypooshy · 19/08/2022 14:21

i pushed them off and he put them back on
This is the problem. You didn't like it, he carried on doing it.
Big Red Flag! You need to have strong words with him and tell him that is NOT accceptable.
If he does it again knee him in the privates and tell him that's role play. Then dump him.

Love this advice!

Pascaliisafrenchymathysyperson · 19/08/2022 18:41

The normalisation of dangerous sexual practices as promoted by the porn industry is invidious and dangerous.

Yes I have no doubt that there are women who absolutely love the bdsm scene. However I am sure there are an equal number of (most likely) young women who feel pressured into more and more dangerous sexual activity that does absolutely nothing for them except the knowledge that it keeps them 'their man' ..

.. and you know what ? Having been accused of. 'Kink shaming' an exceedingly dodgy practice.. I think I am happy to wear that badge. Strangulation as a part of sex is dangerous.

Watchkeys · 19/08/2022 18:44

Jemmajemma · 19/08/2022 17:58

Also bum slapping hard, to which i said stop and he said no and done it again saying your a bitch

And it's over. You say no, he doesn't stop. How do you see this playing out? Is he interested at all in you getting what you want?

StopStartStop · 19/08/2022 18:50

Isittrueornot · 19/08/2022 14:24

Some people like things like that as it turns them on and some don’t. It’s not really a problem him doing it, trying something new, the problem is you said no and he didn’t listen, that’s the problem. You need to have a conversation with him about it as he is not listening.

I disagree. It is a problem that men try this, and it is a problem that women are being conditioned to accept it.

OP, it's not new. My husband (now long ex and late) tried it in our relationship forty years ago. I didn't go along with it.

In February 1986, during an argument, he pinned me to the floor and tried to strangle me to death.

Please get out of your relationship, safely. Tonight.

AtrociousCircumstance · 19/08/2022 18:52

End of relationship OP.

Be safe.

wellhelloitsme · 19/08/2022 18:53

Jemmajemma · 19/08/2022 17:58

Also bum slapping hard, to which i said stop and he said no and done it again saying your a bitch

This is literally assault.

He hit you.

You said no.

He hit you again.

And called you a bitch.

The fact that all this happened during sex doesn't make it suddenly not abusive!

If anything, it makes it more abusive as you're at your most vulnerable.

This is not a good man OP

ShahRukhKhan · 19/08/2022 18:56

I like it, with mild pressure only not anything harder. I don't think there is anything wrong with him trying it (and nothing wrong with you not liking it) but 100% it is wrong that he didn't listen when you told him not to do it. I'd be livid.

NewDogOwner · 19/08/2022 18:57

How can it be role play when you didn't discuss any roles?