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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to tell someone about an affair.

127 replies

Anonymous1980 · 16/08/2022 13:42

Name changed for this.
Does anyone have any ideas on how I can tell someone that their husband is having an affair anonymously?
I cannot own it and tell her myself for many reasons so please don't suggest that.
I don't know her address. But do know phone number.
Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
Dirtylittleroses · 16/08/2022 13:43

If you can’t own it then don’t do it. Nothing worse than telling someone anonymously and they are left looking round them wondering if it’s true and which fucker told them. I assume you can’t prove it.

is if you he’s had the affair with?

Chamomileteaplease · 16/08/2022 13:48

I would only suggest this if you can show proof otherwise it's a total headfuck.

Hopeandlove · 16/08/2022 13:48

You can’t text but you could phone from 141 and if you have proof ask for an email to send details to. Are you the OW?

my boyfriends ex wife was cheating with her married boss and he had two small children. She regularly dumped the children with me without my permission as in - I was there with boyfriend and lived at his house and she would see my car and I’d answer the door - boyfriend not there and she would drive away as she was meeting Her boss literally for a shag in the car park and I felt his wife needed to know. I had his name as he was the boss of a company and I tracked him down and found his address via the internet.

can you not set up a fake Facebook profile and track her down that way?

I would want to know but wouldn’t believe anything without evidence as these men talk their way out of anything and can gas light you badly

DisplayPurposesOnly · 16/08/2022 13:48

Can you prove it?

Original poster
Anonymous1980 · 16/08/2022 13:50

It's not me but I am closely involved. I do have proof. She already suspects to be fair. She just needs to know for sure.
I agree it's probably best to do nothing but it's eating me up.

OP posts:
StopFeckingFaffing · 16/08/2022 13:50

Agree with @Dirtylittleroses

It would be better to keep quiet than let her know anonymously

If you don't know the address then she obviously isn't a close friend so why do you even want to get involved?

Dirtylittleroses · 16/08/2022 13:52

I’ve seen threads on here where folks receive an anonymous letter and the responses are usually ignore it if no proof.

if you can’t look the woman in the eye and tell her and you want to hide and blow her world apart, then you shouldn’t do it. Unless you have proof you will provide at the same time.

If you want to hide and don’t have proof you will give her, then I’d wonder about your motives.

Dirtylittleroses · 16/08/2022 13:53

Anonymous1980 · 16/08/2022 13:50

It's not me but I am closely involved. I do have proof. She already suspects to be fair. She just needs to know for sure.
I agree it's probably best to do nothing but it's eating me up.

Cross posted, how do you have proof? But it’s not you? That’s not possible unless you’ve been following them round taking pics.

Original poster
Anonymous1980 · 16/08/2022 13:53

The OW is a very important person to me. I want to stop it but I don't want them to know it came from me.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 16/08/2022 13:53

Well if you can't be an authentic person and tell this person in your name so that they have some dignity then it will just have to go on 'eating you up'.

I can't believe that people still think that anonymity is in any way respectful. It's absolutely not, it's low.

StopFeckingFaffing · 16/08/2022 13:58

The OW is a very important person to me. I want to stop it but I don't want them to know it came from me

Is the OW your wife/partner?

onelittlefrog · 16/08/2022 14:19

Anonymous1980 · 16/08/2022 13:53

The OW is a very important person to me. I want to stop it but I don't want them to know it came from me.

Don't.

If you are going to say something, you need to say it authentically as yourself.

How are you really any different to the cheating husband if you are sending weird anonymous secret messages? It's just more confusion for the poor woman.

If you can't say it as yourself, then you should not say it.

Cheminaufaules · 16/08/2022 14:27

You would need to make a voice call to this woman. Would she recognise your voice?

ednatheevilwitch · 16/08/2022 14:34

What is your relationship to these people?

Theredjellybean · 16/08/2022 14:42

why dont you talk to the OW and tell her she is making you uncomfortable and either they end it or you will tell his wife ?
i presume this is your mother or sister or best friend

Hesheweeshe · 16/08/2022 14:45

As someone who was told anonymously....Don't

Badger1970 · 16/08/2022 14:48

Anonymous letter? Or set up a fake FB profile.

I disagree with most of the above. She deserves to know that her DH is lying cheating piece of shit. As long as you have proof, go ahead.

Divebar2021 · 16/08/2022 14:51

That’s interesting normally I would expect different advice.
If you are friends or related to the OW then I don’t think it’s appropriate to reveal this information. If someone has confided in you and you then spill the beans they’re obviously going to be suspicious of you. Are you prepared to lose your relationship with them? If you are friends with the wife then that would be different but you should be prepared to be honest and upfront in that case.

Cheminaufaules · 16/08/2022 14:51

I presume telling the wife is the only way to bring an end to this affair? (If so, you are probably right. No amount of rationalising works when people are in an affair bubble).
Just a thought, but could you let the woman know by proxy? Sounds callous, as it would involve you informing a third party, and that third party phoning the woman. But it would protect your anonymity at least.

YoSofi · 16/08/2022 14:51

I also disagree with the majority.

I would want to know, and if it had to be anonymous then so be it. If she already suspects it’s likely she would believe you. If not at least you tried.

Do the right think, this poor woman must be going mad.

YoSofi · 16/08/2022 14:51

Thing*

Cheminaufaules · 16/08/2022 14:53

Divebar2021 · 16/08/2022 14:51

That’s interesting normally I would expect different advice.
If you are friends or related to the OW then I don’t think it’s appropriate to reveal this information. If someone has confided in you and you then spill the beans they’re obviously going to be suspicious of you. Are you prepared to lose your relationship with them? If you are friends with the wife then that would be different but you should be prepared to be honest and upfront in that case.

I think in some situations - say, where it is one's sister - there is a strong desire on the part of a sibling to bring an end to her self-destructive behaviour.
Having an affair is similar to any other addiction. Most people would want to help their siblings end their self-destructive addiction.

OWrevenge · 16/08/2022 14:53

I will forever be grateful to the person who anonymously tipped me off to the affair my DH was having

She didn’t send me concrete evidence and pics, but more of a ‘and if you need some proof, check his Uber account for a journey on this time and date, and you’ll see it was OW address and not a work dinner. And they also saw each other on the following dates’

It gave me a bit of time to corroborate a few things and also make sure I had enough detail so he couldn’t lie

He seemed genuinely baffled about how much I knew so came clean pretty quickly, which made it less messy and painful for me than if the details had emerged over months

I know some people would rather not know, but I think more people get eaten up by the suspicions and would want to know

If I had to do it, I would probably buy a 99p burner SIM card from the newsagents and whatsapp them to say something to the point and factual like ‘sorry for doing this anonymously but I wouldn’t want to be the messenger who gets shot
I know you already have some suspicions about <husband> but he is having an affair with <OW>
It started in…
they see each other weekly/when he says he is going running/when he is working late
I can’t give you photographic proof but I know they were together on X dates

Annabananna1 · 16/08/2022 14:56

What proof do you have that you could show her

PollyRockets · 16/08/2022 15:00

What's the proof?

If it's images text them to her from a different number if you have hers