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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to tell someone about an affair.

127 replies

Anonymous1980 · 16/08/2022 13:42

Name changed for this.
Does anyone have any ideas on how I can tell someone that their husband is having an affair anonymously?
I cannot own it and tell her myself for many reasons so please don't suggest that.
I don't know her address. But do know phone number.
Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anonymous1980 · 16/08/2022 18:45

Thank you everyone for advice.
It's been going on 2 years now and OW has been pregnant too, that ended in abortion. It is just an absolute mess. No one is going to come out of this looking good.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 16/08/2022 18:48

Anonymous1980 · 16/08/2022 17:17

I guess i just want it to end. For the OW to stop it. For her to see that he won't choose her, that he's a liar. The DW has also, unrelated to this, said awful things about the OW so to be honest I'm not particularly bothered about hurting her. (Sorry if thats triggering) My loyalty lies with OW and if I can get her away from this then good.

Then she needs to be the one to end it. Because if the wife does he'll go to the OW.

PersonaNonGarter · 16/08/2022 18:51

FFS don’t do it. You are absolutely meddling and know a lot less about this than you imagine you do.

What if you tell her and she kills herself? Or she tells her DC just before an important exam? And so on.

Do not get involved. You can bear it. Stop being a drama queen.

Hiddenvoice · 16/08/2022 19:12

I’m on the fence here, dw deserves to know but I’d worry about your friend and how she might be once it all comes out. She’s invested in this man, she sees it as a relationship and is probably hopeful that he will leave his dw for her.
Im guessing you’ve spoken to her honestly about it all? I reckon you support her, give her all the encouragement she needs to the end it and even go away together to get her awah from him. I would even tell her you’re considering telling the dw and see how she reacts.

BabyDreamers · 16/08/2022 19:26

I wouldn't. I did this once as I thought the woman would want to know. She was crazy and ended up turning up at my work asking for proof and refusing to leave. She didn't believe me and made out I was a crazy homewrecker. It was awful. I would never tell another person if I knew they're spouse was having an affair.

Dery · 16/08/2022 21:18

Don’t do it, OP.

Your motives are bad.

The DW is the one who has already been cheated on for a few years and you’re apparently happy to inflict yet more pain on her to achieve some kind of resolution for your friend, the OW, who know what she bought into.

It’s unsurprising that the wife may have had a few choice words to say about your friend - as I recall, in our family none of us had anything very complimentary to say about my dad’s OW.

You may feel greater loyalty to your friend but that’s not a reason to shit all over the wife.

0live · 16/08/2022 21:25

I was cheated on and i wish someone had told me. As long as they gave me enough information to be able to find proof.

CanofCant · 16/08/2022 21:33

Dery · Today 21:18

Don’t do it, OP.

Your motives are bad.

The DW is the one who has already been cheated on for a few years and you’re apparently happy to inflict yet more pain on her to achieve some kind of resolution for your friend, the OW, who know what she bought into.

I agree with this.

You think the OW is being manipulated and perhaps to an extent she is but she has more agency than the wife at the moment.

So three people at least (gross man, OW and you) know about this humiliation being caused to his wife and you are desperate to tell her and cause ructions because you want your friend to break up with him. I'm sure you have talked to her and tried to reason with her in the last two years but she doesn't want to break up with him! She knows what she is doing and is choosing to believe whatever he tells her. Is there a big power imbalance or age gap that is causing you to worry?

5128gap · 16/08/2022 21:35

If the other woman is important to you, don't sully your relationship with a hole in the corner betrayal of her trust in you. Isn't there enough deceit going on in this scenario without adding more? You obviously care for her, so don't pretend to be a person she can trust while secretly being someone else.
You are trying to play God in a situation that doesn't concern you, and would be far better off controlling that impulse. If you can't do that, you should at least be honest about it.

rnsaslkih · 16/08/2022 21:36

I see that your objective is to free the OW from this situation. If you hit the destruct button on the marriage, the man may then want to move in with OW instead of the DW? And the OW would be more entangled, not less?

You say that you don't care for the DW because she has spoken ill of the OW. But I am wondering if it's all related - eg if she called the OW a slag or something of that ilk, would that not be fairly reasonable if she strongly suspected OW to be shagging her husband?

Username0308 · 16/08/2022 22:27

If you have concrete proof then go for it. Do the wife a favour as I can not stress how unfair it is for someone to be living a complete lie.

Also, judgement aside, you need to also do right by your friend and get her to wake up. And if exposing the affair will do that, and she is a true friend, she will thank you one day for cutting the toxic out of her life.

Just please please please make sure you have concrete evidence and that you're not just drip-feeding little bits of information here and there, as that will completely mess with everyone's heads, and also gives more time for the people in the affair to stage an elaborate cover-up.

Inch5h3l · 16/08/2022 23:08

I was so grateful to find out my knob of an ex was putting it about while we were together. Please tell the wife, she needs to know and make her own choices. If you have proof, please provide but at the very least, tell her.

cantbelieveheletmedown · 16/08/2022 23:46

Inch5h3l · 16/08/2022 23:08

I was so grateful to find out my knob of an ex was putting it about while we were together. Please tell the wife, she needs to know and make her own choices. If you have proof, please provide but at the very least, tell her.

👆🏻👆🏻
As I stated earlier in the thread an ex colleague of my DH told me and it coincided with a massive change in his behaviour at home.
He gas lighted me massively saying his behaviour was down to me not keeping the house tidy.
Tell her it will help as she suspects anyway

Twawmyarse · 17/08/2022 00:06

It would be better to keep quiet than let her know anonymously

I don't agree at all. I hate these threads where people advise those who know about an affair to "keep schtum" or "keep your beak out". It just facilitates the affair partners carrying on even longer. People who have affairs are very devious and sneaky and come up with ever more extreme ways to lie to their partners. It often takes someone being brave enough to speak out for the affair to come out in the open - otherwise it could go on for years. Why should the spouse/partner be forced to live a life that isn't real - with the information they have, no matter how small they can decide what they want to do next. An anonymous text/email could then encourage them to do some digging.

If someone had tipped me off about my ex's affair it would've saved me years of heartache, (warranted) paranoia and feeling like I was going crazy. I had my suspicions but no proof and an anonymous tip-off would've given me more incentive to dump him.

Give as much information/facts as you can so she'll know it's not just someone shit-stirring.

Hawkins001 · 17/08/2022 00:10

Anonymous1980 · 16/08/2022 13:42

Name changed for this.
Does anyone have any ideas on how I can tell someone that their husband is having an affair anonymously?
I cannot own it and tell her myself for many reasons so please don't suggest that.
I don't know her address. But do know phone number.
Thanks in advance.

If it's a mobile use an burner phone like spies use

Drevere · 17/08/2022 06:26

I used a burner number and sent a message with proof that way.
I did it through what's app but text works too. As long as you supply proof the person can do with that what they wish.

5128gap · 17/08/2022 07:24

Twawmyarse · 17/08/2022 00:06

It would be better to keep quiet than let her know anonymously

I don't agree at all. I hate these threads where people advise those who know about an affair to "keep schtum" or "keep your beak out". It just facilitates the affair partners carrying on even longer. People who have affairs are very devious and sneaky and come up with ever more extreme ways to lie to their partners. It often takes someone being brave enough to speak out for the affair to come out in the open - otherwise it could go on for years. Why should the spouse/partner be forced to live a life that isn't real - with the information they have, no matter how small they can decide what they want to do next. An anonymous text/email could then encourage them to do some digging.

If someone had tipped me off about my ex's affair it would've saved me years of heartache, (warranted) paranoia and feeling like I was going crazy. I had my suspicions but no proof and an anonymous tip-off would've given me more incentive to dump him.

Give as much information/facts as you can so she'll know it's not just someone shit-stirring.

Equally why should the partner have information forced on them by some stranger with their own agenda?
Whether you're interfering from a genuine belief its the 'right' thing, (which is actually pretty arrogant to assume you know best about a stranger's wishes); or, which is more often the case, because you want to control something other people are doing that you disagree with; it's always about you, not the person whose life you're meddling in.
A third party has zero responsibility for facilitating an affair. Unless they actively assist the couple, that's completely on the affair partners themselves. Centering yourself in someone else's situation is self important and misplaced.
If you know the cheated on partner well enough to be sure of their wishes, you have the courage to break it to them sensitively and openly, and will support them with the news, then fine. But a cowardly anonymous tip off to a person who you have no idea what it will do to them is never an appropriate way to break the news.
I have recently met a young man who tried to take his own life after recieving just such a message. Where was his helpful 'friend' then?

BigFatLiar · 17/08/2022 07:50

Cheminaufaules · 16/08/2022 15:12

How did you know it was true though?

Show quote history

Doesn't have to be true, just has to be believed. And lots of people will want to believe.

ShirleyJackson · 17/08/2022 08:08

I think your motivation for doing this is misguided. Your mate/sister/whoever will end up more embroiled with the loser if his wife kicks him out.

Your comment about the OW saying awful things about your pal has a whiff of you enjoying the drama and wanting in on it. Apologies if that’s wrong. But it’s a strange motivation for telling her, and one that suggests your actions wouldn’t be coming from a good place.

I’d either tell the loser that you know and are considering telling his wife - you could do this anonymously. You might find he drops the OW like a hot brick.

Or just hold your peace and support your friend, while pointing out all the loser’s flaws. She’ll see sense in the end.

Eon · 17/08/2022 08:34

I don't really care what OP's motive is! There is a woman out here in a marriage with a man who is cheating on her and someone who knows and has evidence wants to tell her anon.

Motives don't matter here as shit is gonna hit the fan regardless of the "motive". There's no nice way to go about doing this, it will still get messy; good motives or not. I don't think people are using logic here.

LadyEloise1 · 17/08/2022 08:36

I would want to know. Even anonymously, I could then investigate for myself.
It happened to a friend and she said if only someone had told her.

WouldBeGood · 17/08/2022 08:42

I wound usually say to tell her, but I think your motives are not good. To be honest, I’d detach from the whole situation and do not discuss it with the OW, who’s clearly not a great person for doing this anyway, and will be the author of her own misfortune

WouldBeGood · 17/08/2022 08:42

*Would

FantasticButtocks · 17/08/2022 08:43

Do not interfere! It's not your job to go round rescuing people who haven't asked you to rescue them. You need to step away from this drama, it's actually got nothing to do with you.

Sometimes people we love make stupid decisions. And it's hard to witness. But you need to live with that 'hard'. To become involved, to voluntarily add yourself into the mix is just asking for trouble.

It is a shame that this person who matters to you has made bad decisions in her life. But that is HER responsibility. Not yours.

Would it make you feel better to manipulate and manoeuvre everyone in the scenario until they are in what you consider to be better positions? Is that why you are considering this?

Because seriously, beware of the consequences of your own actions.

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 17/08/2022 08:46

Please don't get involved OP.

Take a step back and it will eventually blow up in their faces without your input.