Page 5 | How to tell someone about an affair.

Anonymous1980 · 2022-08-16T12:42:32+00:00

Name changed for this. Does anyone have any ideas on how I can tell someone that their husband is having an affair anonymously? I cannot own it and tell her myself for many reasons so please don't suggest that. I don't know her address. But do know phone number. Thanks in advance.

DFOD · 17/08/2022 08:58

How can you know all of this intimate info about the wife - what she has said / what she suspects etc but you do not know where she lives?

Can’t see how that is possible?

Original poster

Anonymous1980 · 17/08/2022 13:16

I know vaguely where she lives. Just not exact address. And I don't have the means to go and explore to find exactly where it is.
I'm taking on board everything people are saying. There is an age gap which bothers me and OW is definitely vulnerable.
To clarify, although I'm not sure it matters, the things the wife has said are unrelated to any suspected affair and I don't think she does suspect the OW. Just that it's happening.

OP posts:

Swithpenguins · 17/08/2022 13:22

You would be killing two birds with one stone.

Firstly, you would be freeing a vulnerable young woman from the manipulation of an adulterer.

Second, you would be giving the wife the answer to the question she has been asking herself.

You can do it anonymously by phoning her but choose your words carefully. She would have to trust that you are telling her the truth and that you are doing so in her best interests.

Swithpenguins · 17/08/2022 13:23

Why would the wife say horrible things about the OW if she doesn't know she's the OW?

Teethdilema · 17/08/2022 13:31

@Swithpenguins I’m guessing if she’s having a long term affair with a married man, the OW might not be very nice person.

Nellle · 17/08/2022 14:16

I reckon OP is OW's mum.

OP, you might think ending this affair will save your loved one from a bad situation, but she's a grown woman and could end up hating you for interfering. Also, your love for the OW is not a good motive for turning the wife's world upside-down.

5128gap · 17/08/2022 14:25

Swithpenguins · 17/08/2022 13:22

You would be killing two birds with one stone.

Firstly, you would be freeing a vulnerable young woman from the manipulation of an adulterer.

Second, you would be giving the wife the answer to the question she has been asking herself.

You can do it anonymously by phoning her but choose your words carefully. She would have to trust that you are telling her the truth and that you are doing so in her best interests.

You don't know that at all.
What makes you think that his wife finding out for sure is going to put a stop to it?
She suspects already and that hasn't prevented him continuing the affair, so it doesn't suggest to me he cares enough about the marriage to end the affair to try and save it if she found out.
More likely it would just result in them splitting up, leaving him free to manipulate the OW full time. He would have extra ammunition too, as I'm sure he'd be quick to tell her how he'd lost his marriage over her.
The OP has already admitted she doesn't have the wife's interests in mind, so I'm not sure she could fool her into thinking otherwise in an anonymous phone call.

girlmom21 · 17/08/2022 14:28

Anonymous1980 · 17/08/2022 13:16

I know vaguely where she lives. Just not exact address. And I don't have the means to go and explore to find exactly where it is.
I'm taking on board everything people are saying. There is an age gap which bothers me and OW is definitely vulnerable.
To clarify, although I'm not sure it matters, the things the wife has said are unrelated to any suspected affair and I don't think she does suspect the OW. Just that it's happening.

Is the affair partner the OW's boss? Could you go via a HR at work route?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 17/08/2022 14:58

Dirtylittleroses · 16/08/2022 16:27

That’s so toxic.

Show quote history

Absolutely it's toxic. I don't believe posters who implore a random who they don't even know, to dump something so horrendous on somebody else, anonymously. Could there be a more cowardly act? I don't think so.

Posters encouraging others to tell anonymously... nobody knows their motives. I always suspect a love of drama and upset - somebody else's, that is, with painful updates if possible. Grotesque.

The posters who've said that it's happened to them and they're grateful to the coward who tells... well, that's you. Many people would not want this and I include myself in that. As in so many cases, the one who 'doesn't want' a particular action, 'wins'.

I'm not opposed in any way to people telling, just give the person the dignity of knowing who you are and how you know. Don't add to their anguish of trying to figure out if you are actually somebody close to them on top of everything else.

GoldenMirror · 17/08/2022 15:05

I was devastated to be told anonymously and s as m still plagued by it and who told me, and what their motives were

Wayfairtwo · 17/08/2022 15:37

GoldenMirror · 17/08/2022 15:05

I was devastated to be told anonymously and s as m still plagued by it and who told me, and what their motives were

Who cares what their motives were? You found out your partner was a cheat didn't you? What did you lose most sleep over? Finding out you had a cheating partner or the anonymous person that told you? I can't piece the logic I'm sorry. I'd be grateful if I we're in your shoes tbh.

GoldenMirror · 17/08/2022 15:41

As you weren’t, it doesn’t really matter what you think of me @Wayfairtwo

WildFlowerBees · 17/08/2022 15:42

I can't believe people still advocate keeping these things quiet.

I'd want to know, I'd want enough details to be able to know it's true and how this person knows.

Tell her!

category12 · 17/08/2022 15:48

Wayfairtwo · 17/08/2022 15:37

Who cares what their motives were? You found out your partner was a cheat didn't you? What did you lose most sleep over? Finding out you had a cheating partner or the anonymous person that told you? I can't piece the logic I'm sorry. I'd be grateful if I we're in your shoes tbh.

Show quote history

It's natural to wonder what an anonymous tipster's motives were. Even to be freaked out by it, even.

Why do they care? Are they the OW trying to break you up? Who else knows, and are people laughing at you? Why are they telling you anonymously, are they someone who hates you, or your partner, are they someone trying to cause trouble?

One of the horrible aspects of being cheated on can be the feeling that everyone knew but you, and you feel stupid & exposed.

badgerstink · 17/08/2022 15:53

From the majority of posts on here the DE has an inkling something is amiss in her relationship. It's rare I've seen an affair come as a complete surprise. Irrespective of motives I would want to know if my OH has playing away

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 17/08/2022 15:54

Wayfairtwo What 'logic' do you think you have that GoldenMirror doesn't? After all it was her circumstances that she was posting about and she knows those better than anybody else. Whether you can wrap your brain cells around it or not is of no consequence at all.

Arrogant and rude of you.

category12 · 17/08/2022 16:02

badgerstink · 17/08/2022 15:53

From the majority of posts on here the DE has an inkling something is amiss in her relationship. It's rare I've seen an affair come as a complete surprise. Irrespective of motives I would want to know if my OH has playing away

I would want to know. I would not want to hear it from an anonymous source though. So disrespectful.

GoldenMirror · 17/08/2022 16:14

category12 · 17/08/2022 15:48

It's natural to wonder what an anonymous tipster's motives were. Even to be freaked out by it, even.

Why do they care? Are they the OW trying to break you up? Who else knows, and are people laughing at you? Why are they telling you anonymously, are they someone who hates you, or your partner, are they someone trying to cause trouble?

One of the horrible aspects of being cheated on can be the feeling that everyone knew but you, and you feel stupid & exposed.

Show quote history

Exactly @category12

Wayfairtwo · 17/08/2022 16:38

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Wayfairtwo · 17/08/2022 16:39

category12 · 17/08/2022 15:48

It's natural to wonder what an anonymous tipster's motives were. Even to be freaked out by it, even.

Why do they care? Are they the OW trying to break you up? Who else knows, and are people laughing at you? Why are they telling you anonymously, are they someone who hates you, or your partner, are they someone trying to cause trouble?

One of the horrible aspects of being cheated on can be the feeling that everyone knew but you, and you feel stupid & exposed.

Show quote history

Ok, I can understand that now that you've gone into a bit more detail.

Helpplease888 · 19/08/2022 23:47

From someone who has received an anonymous letter in the past, don’t do it! If it’s real, you need to tell her properly, not do it via a letter. I didn’t know what to believe (although tbf there wasn’t much detail) and in the end, ignored it as I felt if it was really true then why wouldn’t the person just come and say it. Something like this could be true or could just be someone being spiteful. As far as I know, 12 years later, it wasn’t true.

PiecesofFive · 20/08/2022 00:05

Have you told her yet ?

Why not.

Another man whose gotten away with murder.😡

Watchthesunrise · 20/08/2022 00:10

Just tell your daughter she's wasting her life, hurting people around her and that you'll always be here for her but you're disappointed in her decisions.

That's all you can do.

Itstrueiagree · 20/08/2022 01:50

If its your daughter she won't thank you for interfering and you may lose her trust and probably won't confide in you in the future. At least she will turn to you for support if she needs it at the moment. If the wife suspects it will only be a matter of time before she finds out anyway. So I'd sit tight.

5128gap · 20/08/2022 10:06

Watchthesunrise · 20/08/2022 00:10

Just tell your daughter she's wasting her life, hurting people around her and that you'll always be here for her but you're disappointed in her decisions.

That's all you can do.

Agree. How anyone can think that telling his wife is going to improve the OWs situation is beyond me. Its a huge assumption that this will end the affair, when in reality if a man's wife finds out and throws him out, the last thing he's going to do it leave himself with no woman at all by ending it with the OW. More likely the OW gets landed with him full time.
I also think betrayal of a confidence behind someone's back is a terrible thing to do. If you are unfortunate enough to be told something your conscience simply won't allow you not to share, the only way to deal with it is to tell the person who confided in you that you're going to break their trust. At least then they know where they stand.
However, I think by far the best way of dealing with this is the suggestion in your post @Watchthesunrise