Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Sexting affair pls help advice needed

47 replies

Covvy · 15/08/2022 11:32

In November I found via a WhatsApp chat that my husband of over 20 years had been having an affair - lots of sexting over 1500 images lots of homemade videos some of them together thousands of ‘in love’ messages and they met couple times in London hotels where she lives (we live n Liverpool) -the shock and pain of as indescribable and after vomiting I spent a week in an alternate reality where I thought it had been a nightmare- I can only compare it to suffering a bereavement only this was far more profound I can’t describe the pain shock and unbareable sadness I felt and still feel .I thought we were happy and it came out of left field as I didn’t have a clue - now I think about it it was so obvious he’d started to lose weight was going ‘running at 5am every morning which was when he’d video call her - for the first month I was suicidal and very very low - I decided from day one tho that I wanted to stay with him and that we could overcome it - I confronted him a week after finding out and his reaction was typical - remorseful at what he would’ve lost didn’t once think I’d find out so what I didn’t know wouldnt hurt me - with counselling he admitted that he was vulnerable to an affair as he had low self esteem. It’s 9 months down the line now and apart from him contacting her on Xmas day 😞 it’s been ok lots of ups and downs and I cry daily and am triggered often still but apparently that’s ‘normal’ my question is to anyone who has experienced a similar thing or not just finding out about an affair but having it all there to see - all the messages all the pics all the vids- particularly hurtful messages about how only she exists for him etc stay in my mind and I can’t shake that when we have a son …he says it was all a fantasy all the messages and he got carried away it was bullshit but I struggle - if I didn’t have all the videos messages images I’d be able to move on but I just can’t seem to get them out of my head - if I’m feeling really low I’ll take a look at them (even tho I’ve promised DH I’d deleted them ) the OW is married and I keep them as its so tempting to know I could show them to her husband and rat her out (tho I would’nt put him through seeing what I’ve seen)
if anyone has been in this awful situation did you manage to get over what you’ve seen ? An affair is bad enough without having all the grisly details imprinted in your head - I can’t forget and I have flashbacks and constant triggers - would like to know as lots of people tell me they have got over an affair but no one has been in this situation where they have it all in HD in Thor head (and on max phone )

OP posts:

YoSofi · 15/08/2022 15:28

OP please listen to the advice given.

It is absolutely you’re choice to forgive him, but he didn’t come to you and tell you about the affair, it wasn’t eating him up and he had to confess - he was sorry when he got caught. He then contacted her again. Why? What did the message say? Did he tell you or did you find it? Sounds like he was trying to open the door again.

You deserve so much more than this.

YoSofi · 15/08/2022 15:29

Your*

Original poster

Covvy · 15/08/2022 16:05

How long did you stay with him before you realised ?

OP posts:

Original poster

Covvy · 15/08/2022 16:09

I’m 50 my dh is 51

OP posts:

Misskimmy82 · 15/08/2022 16:15

you should be so proud of yourself. This isn’t a death sentence you’ll be okay. You’re 50 you’re still young. There’s plenty of lovely men around ones that will love and respect you. Please don’t hang around hoping it will be okay or get better leave while you still can.

Misskimmy82 · 15/08/2022 16:19

Have you thought about getting an std test ? Is there a possibility he’s done this before years ago ? Just to be on the safe side of things. You can order home kits online x

Original poster

Covvy · 15/08/2022 16:21

That’s not the reason though it’s a valid point but I just think nothing good can come of stirring it up

OP posts:

Original poster

Covvy · 15/08/2022 16:21

I will do - good advice

OP posts:

AnuSTart · 15/08/2022 16:22

My sympathy for you is reduced by you not telling her husband. It just seems horribly unfair of you to not give him an option that has been given to you. Shame.

Original poster

Covvy · 15/08/2022 17:36

It’s not my place to tell him it’s hers and if she chooses not to that’s on her not me

OP posts:

wellhelloitsme · 15/08/2022 18:08

You gave him another chance after all that and he repaid you, after you said you wanted to make it work, by messaging her on christmas day. Wow.

Treacletreacle · 15/08/2022 18:18

Ive been there and i tortured myself with screenshots of conversations between them. I agree its a form of self harm. I still cry if a certain song comes on as he had sent her that song. It got to the point where i didn't need to read the messages as actually i have memorised most of it. But we stayed together and over time it became less painful. I guess unbeknown to me i had obviously done the pick me dance or he had decided he was staying and i didnt argue with it. I fell pregnant and so we stayed together. I wont lie it hasnt been easy as the trust is still not there 100% i can still often have a wobble questioning him but i dont remember or think about the details. And i will be totally honest if i hadnt fell pregnant and so quickly i dont believe we would still be together. Just take your time and see how you feel. But its true your relationship will never be as it was but it can work.

ILikeHotWaterBottles · 15/08/2022 18:29

You need to get angry at him and her really. You are not coping this way and you will manage on your own. You might even find another man who is far better than your shitty partner.

I would send all the messages to her husband, as he does deserve to know. You might think it's her place, but she will never tell him and he is living a lie with his partner. He thinks she is faithful. And she has ruined your life, why would you not want to ruin hers? So what if it's revenge fuck that bitch. Ruin both their lives, kick that shitty partner out and have her life wrecked too. Then you can move on with yours. It will be painful at first but you will get through it.

Or keep living in pain.

djdkdkddkek · 15/08/2022 18:29

You’re better than this

Original poster

Covvy · 15/08/2022 19:30

Thank you - I know entire messages off by heart it’s the worst - your DH answers questions mine won’t

OP posts:

PilchardsonToast · 15/08/2022 19:42

Five years ago my husband had an affair, left me and 2 DC for the OW, after a couple of weeks he was hugely remorseful and after a couple more months I took him back.

I cried constantly on my own for the first year and for the 2nd and 3rd years I still thought about it every single day...but I convinced myself that this was just part of the journey...he was sorry (and he really was..I do believe that) but after about 4 years the thought stopped upsetting me...but rather than that being the sign I was over it, after some reflection I realised I was over him. Because honestly how could you ever be ok with someone you loved having sex with someone else...loving some one else?

We're getting divorced now. It's not easy and I've been through quite a journey but I wish I'd listened to people in the early days who said it will never ever be the same..they were right. It was spoilt forever.

LetHimHaveIt · 15/08/2022 19:43

Oh OP! He messaged her on Christmas Day? He won't answer any questions? And it wasn't a 'sexting' affair, or an 'emotional' affair - it was an AFFAIR affair. One that involved travel from one end of the country to the other. Actual penetrative sex, not a bit of dirty talk and some wanking. Come on . . .

I suspect another poster has it right - you won't tell the husband because you fear their marriage may then break down, and she and your husband will start up again. Adultery or no, she'll get half of his multi millions and won't she be an even more attractive prospect then?

End it. Why were you so keen to fight for him? He's treated you appallingly.

Maybe83 · 15/08/2022 19:44

As much as I know I would desperately want to stay with my husband if he had an affair I wouldn't.

The damage that they have done to you and how it is still impacting you is not worth it. I dont believe someone who has an affair like that with emotional and physical aspect can love you.

Can you honestly say you will ever recover the level of security and trust you had in him before? When you think of all the lies he told you, every single councious decision he made to betray you. For me I know staying in that emotional state would wreck my self esteem and mental state and I wouldn't be willing to make that type of sacrifice to stay in a relationship with someone who could hurt me to that extent.

Are you having counselling by yourself? Have you considered how your life could look with you him and this daily feeling dragging you down?

LetHimHaveIt · 15/08/2022 19:53

Also - can you explain why, when he refuses mot answer a single question about his tawdry behaviour, have you had to promise you've deleted your screenshots?

OctopusBreath · 15/08/2022 19:56

I stayed with him for about 6 months, and I do feel that I kind of needed that time to catch my breath and really know how I would feel once the shock was gone. But I kept coming back to the fact that I now knew what he was capable of. He wasn't the kind, loving man I'd thought he was, although he could be very kind and loving. Although a part of me is glad I stayed with him until I was sure I was over him, I do know that those months did me a great deal of harm emotionally. There were times when we'd just get on with life, and then I'd remember a certain text message, and it would feel absurd that we were carrying on as if we were still Us.

Original poster

Covvy · 15/08/2022 20:08

How long were you married ? I wonder if I’m staying because of how long we’ve been together

OP posts:

PilchardsonToast · 15/08/2022 20:44

Do you mean me? At the point of the affair we'd been together 13 years... the kids were younger so being in my own seemed scary.

Flip

1 2