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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sexting affair pls help advice needed

47 replies

Covvy · 15/08/2022 11:32

In November I found via a WhatsApp chat that my husband of over 20 years had been having an affair - lots of sexting over 1500 images lots of homemade videos some of them together thousands of ‘in love’ messages and they met couple times in London hotels where she lives (we live n Liverpool) -the shock and pain of as indescribable and after vomiting I spent a week in an alternate reality where I thought it had been a nightmare- I can only compare it to suffering a bereavement only this was far more profound I can’t describe the pain shock and unbareable sadness I felt and still feel .I thought we were happy and it came out of left field as I didn’t have a clue - now I think about it it was so obvious he’d started to lose weight was going ‘running at 5am every morning which was when he’d video call her - for the first month I was suicidal and very very low - I decided from day one tho that I wanted to stay with him and that we could overcome it - I confronted him a week after finding out and his reaction was typical - remorseful at what he would’ve lost didn’t once think I’d find out so what I didn’t know wouldnt hurt me - with counselling he admitted that he was vulnerable to an affair as he had low self esteem. It’s 9 months down the line now and apart from him contacting her on Xmas day 😞 it’s been ok lots of ups and downs and I cry daily and am triggered often still but apparently that’s ‘normal’ my question is to anyone who has experienced a similar thing or not just finding out about an affair but having it all there to see - all the messages all the pics all the vids- particularly hurtful messages about how only she exists for him etc stay in my mind and I can’t shake that when we have a son …he says it was all a fantasy all the messages and he got carried away it was bullshit but I struggle - if I didn’t have all the videos messages images I’d be able to move on but I just can’t seem to get them out of my head - if I’m feeling really low I’ll take a look at them (even tho I’ve promised DH I’d deleted them ) the OW is married and I keep them as its so tempting to know I could show them to her husband and rat her out (tho I would’nt put him through seeing what I’ve seen)
if anyone has been in this awful situation did you manage to get over what you’ve seen ? An affair is bad enough without having all the grisly details imprinted in your head - I can’t forget and I have flashbacks and constant triggers - would like to know as lots of people tell me they have got over an affair but no one has been in this situation where they have it all in HD in Thor head (and on max phone )

OP posts:
supercali77 · 15/08/2022 11:42

I dont recommend staying with him but if you are committed to that I would say for your mental health you need to stop looking at the images. Thats just shopping for stabs and since it hasn't changed your mind about staying with him, its only purpose is to hurt you.

Is he really worth all this? Crying every day. The broken trust. It sounds like torture

TheGetaway · 15/08/2022 11:49

You need to delete them. Honestly, no good can come of it. The images will then fade in time.

If you’re determined to stay then view your marriage as a new relationship. What you saw and remember is something in the past, try to think of it as a relationship he had before this marriage to you.

Do consider telling her DH though. He does deserve to know and his decisions may be different to yours. Either way he has the right to make his own decisions. Are you scared they of he leaves her that your DH will leave you?

Original poster
Covvy · 15/08/2022 11:51

Until this happened I would’ve said I’d leave in a shot I’d confront the OW and leave them to each other - but when it happened i I couldnt picture life alone he’s my soul mate and I love him - I have forgiven him it’s the forgetting I’m struggling with you’re right about the images and I am
torturing myself but they’re embedded in my head amyway

OP posts:
Original poster
Covvy · 15/08/2022 11:55

Thank you and I hope they will fade in time - I don’t think he’d leave but I think it would make things worse - her DH seems like a lovely man and she has 3 grown up children and I know from my son finding out during hi A level year too it’s ruined his future as he stopped revising 🙁

OP posts:
TheGetaway · 15/08/2022 11:55

Covvy · 15/08/2022 11:51

Until this happened I would’ve said I’d leave in a shot I’d confront the OW and leave them to each other - but when it happened i I couldnt picture life alone he’s my soul mate and I love him - I have forgiven him it’s the forgetting I’m struggling with you’re right about the images and I am
torturing myself but they’re embedded in my head amyway

But they will fade eventually if you delete them. You’re just torturing yourself x

Have you forgiven him? That’s a big ask and you don’t have to forgive, you can just ‘accept’ it happened.

Original poster
Covvy · 15/08/2022 11:57

Thank you - I have forgiven him he has shown remorse and been working hard to make it work too - I will delete them x

OP posts:
RiverSkater · 15/08/2022 11:58

Jesus, that's a lot to take on board. What is he doing to accept the huge pain he has caused? How does he deserve your forgiveness?

Does he love you, I think not when he's been shagging about. You sound a bit pathetic 'oh I love him' Tell him to leave and show that he has changed. Delete the images, and get back your power. Get angry. Fight for yourself.

TheGetaway · 15/08/2022 12:00

Your son will be ok. His future is not ruined, it’s just momentarily delayed, and this happens to many children for various reasons.

I didn’t tell the OW’s DH, for various reasons that were right for me at the time. It is something I regret though, I kept quiet for my sake but it wasn’t the ‘right’ thing to do.

doodlywoodlydingdong · 15/08/2022 12:00

Be your your soul mate but you are not his. For your own sanity and self respect you should consider leaving. Very very few relationships survive a long term affair, especially when one of them contacts the other on christmas day despite their wife and child being soooo important and the affair being such a mistake.

TheGetaway · 15/08/2022 12:02

RiverSkater · 15/08/2022 11:58

Jesus, that's a lot to take on board. What is he doing to accept the huge pain he has caused? How does he deserve your forgiveness?

Does he love you, I think not when he's been shagging about. You sound a bit pathetic 'oh I love him' Tell him to leave and show that he has changed. Delete the images, and get back your power. Get angry. Fight for yourself.

You don’t know that he doesn’t love her and she is not pathetic. You know nothing about her, or their relationship.

badgerstink · 15/08/2022 12:03

Looking at those messages is a form of self harm. It's constantly opening up old wounds and if you truly want to move forward they need to be gone.

You won't ever forget what's happened but also you cannot put it behind you if you keep torturing yourself

StarDolphins · 15/08/2022 12:11

TheGetaway · 15/08/2022 12:02

You don’t know that he doesn’t love her and she is not pathetic. You know nothing about her, or their relationship.

Show quote history

One could argue if he loved her then he wouldn’t have made a conscious decision to cheat on her AND then contact the OW again on Christmas Day!

TheGetaway · 15/08/2022 12:41

StarDolphins · 15/08/2022 12:11

One could argue if he loved her then he wouldn’t have made a conscious decision to cheat on her AND then contact the OW again on Christmas Day!

Show quote history

Affairs are very rarely about the person who is being cheated on or how much they’re loved and also, little to do with the affair partner.

They’re mostly about the person having the affair.

TheGetaway · 15/08/2022 12:47

Understanding the reasons (not excuses), and accepting them are all part of the road to recovery, not just for the person who has been cheated on but the cheaters. themselves

Oopsiedaisyy · 15/08/2022 13:01

I write this as someone who had an affair and who had affairs and know a number of married men who cheat...

Unless the way he views his relationship with you has changed, in other words his personal reasons for cheating, have changed or been addressed, he'll pick that affair up when its safe to do so, or find someone else.

djdkdkddkek · 15/08/2022 13:08

Why would your soulmate do that to you?

Original poster
Covvy · 15/08/2022 13:15

Thanks everyone - I’m going to delete everything and see how it goes but the thought of all the ‘anniversaries’ D day and Xmas day ..terrify me - I’m not going to tell her DH because it would be purely for revenge if I did that and that makes me as bad as the OW

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 15/08/2022 13:19

He contacted her on Christmas Day? Nope. Sorry, just no.

He'll do it again.

0live · 15/08/2022 13:30

doodlywoodlydingdong · 15/08/2022 12:00

Be your your soul mate but you are not his. For your own sanity and self respect you should consider leaving. Very very few relationships survive a long term affair, especially when one of them contacts the other on christmas day despite their wife and child being soooo important and the affair being such a mistake.

This is good advice OP.

plinkypots · 15/08/2022 13:30

This sure sounds like an exit affair but the timing wasn't quite right. I think you're being set up for an even worse fall when he does leave for her.

Original poster
Covvy · 15/08/2022 13:42

She’ll never want to leave her DH for mine - her DH is a multi multi millionaire she has an amazing lavish lifestyle - a million miles from me or my DH’s lifestyle

OP posts:
katieg03 · 15/08/2022 14:29

But half of his assets will be hers so don't count on the fact she wouldn't leave her husband just because yours doesn't have millions!

bjrce · 15/08/2022 14:39

OP

In fairness, if you're honest with yourself! I think the only reason you are not contacting her husband and letting him know all the details of their tacky affair is perhaps he'll get rid of her in a heart beat and that'll leave her free for your husband!

This is something you don't want to risk.
If my H had an affair for that long and caused the devastation he has done to you and your children, he would be gone.
Your husband is a joke - she doesn't even want him.
This is the only reason he's still with you. Can you not see that!

You need to get strong and have some self respect!
Stop kidding yourself about his low self esteem and being soul mates - he is nothing but a cheat and a liar.

He is not worth it!
Its a terrible situation for you!

OctopusBreath · 15/08/2022 14:40

I'm so sorry OP. This must hurt like hell. For what it's worth, I think you deserve better than a cheating husband, even if he is genuinely sorry. I forgave my DP after he cheated, but in the end, I knew what he was capable of and that never went away. I also read and re-read the messages between him and the OW until I knew many of them off by heart. It's weird- at the time, their closeness broke my heart, but after I'd finally left him, I looked at the messages again and felt differently- they were a bit pathetic, sometimes sleazy and sometimes a Disney sort of romance. I actually pity them both now, and hope they find happiness, but I doubt they will- they'll always keep one eye open for another lover.

I'd tell the OW's DH. He is living a lie.

Misskimmy82 · 15/08/2022 14:43

How old are you both OP?