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Original poster

Partner won't accept my ASD child and I'm pregnant with his child

110 replies

Itsme223 · 14/08/2022 22:54

Hi everyone

I'm in a really difficult situation and I don't know what to do for the best. I am pregnant with my partners child and have moved into his house with my son who has ASD. He is non verbal but makes lots of noises all day, cant follow instructions and is generally in his own world. My partner can't deal with this and we have had arguments upon arguments and I moved back home only to move back again after him apologising saying he will work on accepting my child etc etc. We have had so many discussions about how it makes me feel, how my Son doesn't mean to behave the way he does etc everything is ok for a few days then my partner can't handle it again. We have just had the same chat we keep having where he tells me he can't handle it and I don't know what I should do. I have tried taking him out, my partner has tried going out but as soon as he is back he just gets so frustrated with my son I end up on edge and uncomfortable.

I really feel like I am left with no choice but to move home with my Son because the whole situation is seriously affecting my mental health and I can't convince my partner to deal with it any better. I think this is the only solution and I think deep down I know this but I keep trying for the sake of my unborn child to make it work with my partner. Im really down about the whole situation.

OP posts:
HSKAT · 14/08/2022 23:00

Sorry op but you need to leave him.

MayMoveMayNot · 14/08/2022 23:01

He's shown you who he is and you need to take note.

I'd be moving out, you need to prioritize your son here, you're his only advocate.

Hoolahulahoop · 14/08/2022 23:02

You can't stay with him.

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 14/08/2022 23:03

What a mess. You have to put your son first. If he won't accept your first he probably won't be great with his own.

Choconuttolata · 14/08/2022 23:03

Your child comes first, end of. You need to leave him.

ofwarren · 14/08/2022 23:04

You need to leave

NotStayingIn · 14/08/2022 23:04

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. This isn't going to help but I think your 'partner' is an absolute fucking nob. If he really can't handle it he should have broken up with you. He knows damn well whether or not he can deal with it (i.e. not) but chose to just play for time. And didn't give a shit if you got pregnant in the mean time. What a dick.

clpsmum · 14/08/2022 23:04

Omfg why on earth did you move in with him and plan a family with him. You need to put the child you already have first

Soapboxqueen · 14/08/2022 23:04

You need to leave. Your partner is going to continue to be irritated, you will continue to be in the middle trying to justify your ds's behaviour but ultimately it will be your son who is damaged by this. Either he'll have to put up with the frustrations (in whatever form that takes) of a grown man or be forced by himself and/or others to hide his behaviours with associated negative consequences.

Bin him

Acreativeusername · 14/08/2022 23:05

I’m so sorry this is awful….
i am very familiar with autism and the behaviours you describe aren’t even that challenging to be around ? I don’t understand what partners problem is?
making noise and being in your own world is nothing compared to how some on the spectrum present and struggle…. And the challenging behaviours that come with this.
saying he will work on ‘accepting’ him speaks volumes… there’s no acceptance needed! He should be celebrated, loved ,adored… he’s part of you… I’m not denying autism complicates things but I can not see this improving at all. How will he react if your son wakes a newborn? How will he react if your son is one day challenging near a toddler… I am so sorry you are in this situation. I think you should explain your child is not looking to be accepted but deserves to be loved and cherished as an equal. There are many training courses he could go on to understand him better and if he doesn’t want to then you must do what you feel is best for all.
there is a website called parental minds -
google them they are fantastic. I suggest you chat it out with them.
best of luck with your situation xx

GetThatHelmetOn · 14/08/2022 23:06

You need to move out. If you think this is bad, wait until your older child accidentally hurt his child.

You all will be better off as a single mum family than with a partner who has so little patience with your disabled child.

Stupidlydupidly · 14/08/2022 23:07

I'm so sorry to hear this. Sounds like a lot to go through especially while pregnant.

Would you and your partner consider living apart?

However well intentioned you and you and your partner might be in trying to make things work for the baby, living with a man who can't cope living with your son will make you all unhappy.

A bit of time apart sounds to me like a healthy idea, whether or not you decide to keep seeing each other.

I really hope you get to a happier place soon.

5zeds · 14/08/2022 23:07

I think you can’t stay with someone who can’t be kind to your disabled son. I’m so sorry but he must be able to tell he isn’t liked.

Starseeking · 14/08/2022 23:07

Oh gosh, I'm sorry OP, but you need to leave this man asap. If he can't accept your DS now, he'll find it even more difficult when his own DC is born, especially if they have no additional needs.

My younger DC has additional needs, and I'm a single parent. Similar to your DC, mine is non-verbal and doesn't understand instructions. I'd be really wary of moving anyone in to our home who had to "make an effort to accept" my DC, as it's unlikely to work out in the long run.

Wouldloveanother · 14/08/2022 23:08

What’s done is done
move home
prepare for life as a single mum

wellhelloitsme · 14/08/2022 23:08

At the moment you're actively putting your relationship and what you perceive to be the needs of your unborn child (which are misguided as living under the same roof as an abusive arsehole wont be good for them either) ahead of the real and current needs of your existing son.

Please move out before any further harm is done to his wellbeing.

Your poor boy 😞

LadyLothbrook · 14/08/2022 23:11

He's not a partner, he's an enemy. Simple. He may want to be with you but he's putting you in a dreadful mental place. Have you asked how he will cope if your unborn child is neurodiverse?

GreyCarpet · 14/08/2022 23:12

I didn't even read your whole opening post.

I would not even consider a future with a man who had to work on accepting my child.

(I once dumped a man who told me he needed to work on accepting an aspect of me that I couldn't control - my age. There is not a cat in hell's chance I'd be with a man who didn't accept my children!)

Itreallyistimetogo · 14/08/2022 23:13

Leave. He sounds horrific. Your poor son, you cannot live with someone that cannot accept him. He shouldn't need to work on it. Awful!

MbatataOwl · 14/08/2022 23:13

Why would you live in and get pregnant by a man that does not like your child?

Seriously, why did you do that?

MbatataOwl · 14/08/2022 23:13

Move*

YourSpleenIsDamp · 14/08/2022 23:14

Leave him - he doesn't deserve any of you. My DP of four years is one of my autistic DS's favourite people in the world. DP adores him too, and can "read" DS amazingly well. You and DS deserve somebody like that, who takes the time to engage with DS instead of treating him like a nuisance. Your DS might be non verbal, but does that also mean he doesn't understand what he hears, nor pick up on the negativity directed at him? Get him and yourself out of that toxic environment as soon as you can. And stay away from him this time. Don't keep uprooting DS - he's bound to feel unsettled at moving house and it's not fair on him.

Original poster
Itsme223 · 14/08/2022 23:15

Thanks everyone. I got pregnant when we were living apart and everything seemed fine. Never thought he had any issue before we all moved in together. I'm just heartbroken really but I refuse to fight someone to accept my Son. I have very little support with my current Son ie Father and family not involved I guess I just wanted us to all be a happy family. Sometimes it just helps to write things down. If I saw this post or of this was one of my friends I know full well I'd be saying the same.

OP posts:
pannikin · 14/08/2022 23:15

I think you know you need to leave. How far along you? As the parent of an autistic child (one of the reasons I chose not to have anymore - my existing child wouldn't cope with another child), I would also be reconsidering the pregnancy. Otherwise you are tied to this awful man for another 18 years.

Herejustforthisone · 14/08/2022 23:22

How pregnant are you?