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Original poster

Partner won't accept my ASD child and I'm pregnant with his child

110 replies

Itsme223 · 14/08/2022 22:54

Hi everyone

I'm in a really difficult situation and I don't know what to do for the best. I am pregnant with my partners child and have moved into his house with my son who has ASD. He is non verbal but makes lots of noises all day, cant follow instructions and is generally in his own world. My partner can't deal with this and we have had arguments upon arguments and I moved back home only to move back again after him apologising saying he will work on accepting my child etc etc. We have had so many discussions about how it makes me feel, how my Son doesn't mean to behave the way he does etc everything is ok for a few days then my partner can't handle it again. We have just had the same chat we keep having where he tells me he can't handle it and I don't know what I should do. I have tried taking him out, my partner has tried going out but as soon as he is back he just gets so frustrated with my son I end up on edge and uncomfortable.

I really feel like I am left with no choice but to move home with my Son because the whole situation is seriously affecting my mental health and I can't convince my partner to deal with it any better. I think this is the only solution and I think deep down I know this but I keep trying for the sake of my unborn child to make it work with my partner. Im really down about the whole situation.

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 15/08/2022 06:55

Child comes first
you think it’s bad now ? Wait till he’s a teenager

nothing is as bad for a child as being around someone who can’t accept them and care for them

Hira3 · 15/08/2022 06:55

You need to leave him for your sons sake. No more chances no matter what he says.

2u2me2me2u · 15/08/2022 06:56

YourSpleenIsDamp · 14/08/2022 23:14

Leave him - he doesn't deserve any of you. My DP of four years is one of my autistic DS's favourite people in the world. DP adores him too, and can "read" DS amazingly well. You and DS deserve somebody like that, who takes the time to engage with DS instead of treating him like a nuisance. Your DS might be non verbal, but does that also mean he doesn't understand what he hears, nor pick up on the negativity directed at him? Get him and yourself out of that toxic environment as soon as you can. And stay away from him this time. Don't keep uprooting DS - he's bound to feel unsettled at moving house and it's not fair on him.

This 1000%

mrsbitaly · 15/08/2022 07:07

I'm not usually one to recommend leaving someone or prefer to work on things but in your case I don't think you have a choice but to leave. When the baby comes along and they are crying and your child is making noises that he can't control how is he going to cope? He can't keep changing his mind it's unsettling for you and your child. I'm so sorry you are in this situation it's awful and I can appreciate how worried you are.

WinterMusings · 15/08/2022 07:09

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 14/08/2022 23:03

What a mess. You have to put your son first. If he won't accept your first he probably won't be great with his own.

I don't think that's necessarily true AND it wouldn't be great if it was anyway. His child would become the Golden Child & OP's son would become the scape goat.

@Itsme223 you have to move out & stay out. I know the horse has already bolted, but moving in & out with your Son has been very unfair on him and getting pregnant to a bloke who doesn't care about your son was utter madness. Do BOTH your kids a favour, move out & stay out, it wouldn't do your unborn child any good living in that situation either.

i know it's not easy living with a child with severe SEN, especially a non verbal vocal child, even more difficult with one that 'isn't your own' but you've both ket him down time & time again. It's time to give him some stability. A new baby isn't going to be easy for him, he at least needs to not be living with someone additional who resents him & moving back & forth.

you shouldn't be with someone where you are apologising for your son being who he is.

how far along are you?

MushMonster · 15/08/2022 07:13

Sorry but you have to move out for good.

User48751490 · 15/08/2022 07:16

If your unborn child ends up with ASD what's he going to do then? Good grief, move out and on with your life.

At least he was honest about it, that's about the only positive in this. If he pretended he liked him then did something awful it would be a much worse scenario.

Herejustforthisone · 15/08/2022 07:35

If you stay with this man, just imagine the abuse he’s going to dish out to your son in time, imagine the favouritism over his own biological child, just imagine what that would be like for him.

lunar1 · 15/08/2022 07:42

Please leave him, he will make your life so difficult and your son's life a misery.

safetyfreak · 15/08/2022 07:46

This could have been avoided.

You chose to get pregnant with a man before you lived together, that was a very silly decision. Genetically you may be more prone to having children with special needs, how will you cope as a single parent if your second has autism as well?

Seriou · 15/08/2022 07:50

You can be a very happy family of 3 - just you and your 2 lovely children xx

Midlifemusings · 15/08/2022 07:51

Why are you having a child with someone who you haven't yet lived with given you have a child with severe disabilities. Not everyone wants to voluntarily take on everything that comes with a child with significant disabilities and you should have been 100% sure that your boyfriend could handle it (and few people know exactly how they will be until actually living together).

Even parents find it hard to handle and marriages split up and parents have poor mental health related to their own child with significant needs so of course a new partner with no relationship to the child is going to struggle.

Deguster · 15/08/2022 07:54

A full-fat LTB. Please put your son first.

User48751490 · 15/08/2022 07:55

Even those of us in committed relationships, with children who have additional needs struggle too. So I can't begin to imagine how alien it is to someone not used to it if the child is not their own. It's a lot to take on board and commit to. As I said earlier, it's best he is honest so you know where you stand. Put your child first, as several others have said too.

Greensmoothie1 · 15/08/2022 07:58

Itsme223 · 14/08/2022 23:15

Thanks everyone. I got pregnant when we were living apart and everything seemed fine. Never thought he had any issue before we all moved in together. I'm just heartbroken really but I refuse to fight someone to accept my Son. I have very little support with my current Son ie Father and family not involved I guess I just wanted us to all be a happy family. Sometimes it just helps to write things down. If I saw this post or of this was one of my friends I know full well I'd be saying the same.

Why did you choose to get pregnant with someone you didn’t even live with? You only see the real person once you’ve lived with them. Your bf had no idea what it would be like to live with a disabled child and whether he could adapt/cope.

You need to split up and put your ds first. Are you sure you want to continue with the pregnancy? Especially as your ds’s dad isn’t involved and this new bf will be the same. This other child could also have a genetic disability. Could you cope as a single mum of 2 dc with disabilities?

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/08/2022 08:01

Oh dear. You’ve been incredibly naive, you never know someone until you’ve lived together.

Do you want to single with your son and a new baby to care for? You obviously can’t stay with him.

GreyCarpet · 15/08/2022 08:03

The OP won't be back.

Not a single person has said anything that she could possibly want to hear. And I dot see how anyone could have said anything other than what they did.

It's absolutely shocking that you have put your child in this position. Everyone knows that children with disabilities are more likely to experience abuse than those who are not. This is compounded when the child is non verbal because they can literally not tell anyone what is happening and any changes or behavioural problems as a result of said aabuse may be interpreted as part of their condition.

And to bring another child into this situation with a man you didn't live with and does not treat your existing child with kindness, compassion, love and respect just shows that you are not able to prioritise a child's needs over your own wants.

This is absolutely heartbreaking.

Does your child have anyone who is willing or able to advocate for him?

LearnedAxolotl · 15/08/2022 08:05

In your position i would terminate the pregnancy and end the relationship. Dont tie yourself to this waste of space for the next 18 years.

Christmasiscominghohoho · 15/08/2022 08:08

I have a non verbal autistic son.

This bloke would of been gone a long time ago. Why are you even trying? Put your son first and move out.

MrsOwainGlyndŵr · 15/08/2022 08:08

Why did you get pregnant with this man? What if new child has a medical condition your partner can't put up with?

H3ll00 · 15/08/2022 08:10

I too would end the relationship and terminate the pregnancy if possible.

Im autistic and living with your son would be hell on earth for me. Peace and quiet rejuvenates me and my almost three year old currently talks non-stop. I’m having to bite my tongue constantly and feel frazzled and on edge. This is in reaction to my own daughter and I know the behaviour will end soon. I wouldn’t be able to stay around if the child wasn’t mind and this was a never ending scenario

knackeredagain · 15/08/2022 08:10

This is a really sad situation, for all of you. The best thing you can do is to get yourself set up as independently and amicably as possible. Agree how you are going to coparent your new baby together, how he will support you financially and what contact time will look like. Some of this can be sorted now but there will be an element of trial and error with your newborn.

Also look at strengthening your other support networks through friends and family so you have other people who can help out in whatever ways you need.

Oysterbabe · 15/08/2022 08:16

You simply cannot stay in a relationship with this man, it's not even worth considering for 1 second. If early enough I would terminate too and cut all contact.

DangerouslyBored · 15/08/2022 08:23

Your poor child. Put his first FFS! Can’t believe you stayed more than 1 minute after he showed your son such contempt. What a shambolic situation. Next time take some time to think about the situations you are putting yourself and your vulnerable son in. Good luck.

LIZS · 15/08/2022 08:26

What if the baby , his child, had additional needs? Would he reject them too? You need to move out and establish a new life for your ds, he if not you deserves better.

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