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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner won't accept my ASD child and I'm pregnant with his child

110 replies

Itsme223 · 14/08/2022 22:54

Hi everyone

I'm in a really difficult situation and I don't know what to do for the best. I am pregnant with my partners child and have moved into his house with my son who has ASD. He is non verbal but makes lots of noises all day, cant follow instructions and is generally in his own world. My partner can't deal with this and we have had arguments upon arguments and I moved back home only to move back again after him apologising saying he will work on accepting my child etc etc. We have had so many discussions about how it makes me feel, how my Son doesn't mean to behave the way he does etc everything is ok for a few days then my partner can't handle it again. We have just had the same chat we keep having where he tells me he can't handle it and I don't know what I should do. I have tried taking him out, my partner has tried going out but as soon as he is back he just gets so frustrated with my son I end up on edge and uncomfortable.

I really feel like I am left with no choice but to move home with my Son because the whole situation is seriously affecting my mental health and I can't convince my partner to deal with it any better. I think this is the only solution and I think deep down I know this but I keep trying for the sake of my unborn child to make it work with my partner. Im really down about the whole situation.

OP posts:
IrisVersicolor · 15/08/2022 08:28

I guess I just don’t understand why you didn’t try living together first to ensure he could cope with DS before you took the next step of getting pregnant.

But it is what it is. You now have no choice but to split to protect your son.

PollyRockets · 15/08/2022 08:30

How far along are you?

You definitely need to end things but being a single parent to 2, one with ASD is going to be hard

Eunorition · 15/08/2022 08:32

The greatest risk to children is unrelated men brought into the home. Your 'partner' has already made those risks very clear to you. He is a danger to your son.

BEAM123 · 15/08/2022 08:37

I am sorry but he has told you he cannot handle your DS. Listen to what he has said, he has at least been honest. No matter how many times one of you goes out or takes your DS out or you discuss coping strategies, this will not change. He has told you clearly.

You are in a very difficult situation now and I feel for you, but you have no choice but to move out and put your DS first. Being in a home where someone cannot handle him will likely make life difficult for your DS and as a result his behaviours might change for the worse over time, putting him into a chain of interventions and outcomes he may otherwise have not needed.

If your relationship is otherwise good hopefully he can support you through the pregnancy and with the baby while living separately.

badhappening · 15/08/2022 08:57

I’m female and if it was the other way around, being honest, I don’t think I could cope with it at all either.

I think you’ve both made a very sad mistake by not living together first.

I don’t know what the solution is apart from a) breaking up, b) maintaining a relationship but living separately or c) putting your child in a home and up for adoption (I know of someone who did this sadly).

Oysterbabe · 15/08/2022 09:05

Eunorition · 15/08/2022 08:32

The greatest risk to children is unrelated men brought into the home. Your 'partner' has already made those risks very clear to you. He is a danger to your son.

This was my first thought too tbh. Whenever there's a horrific story in the news about a murdered child it seems to always involve someone who is not the child's parent. Whatever else you do, never leave them alone together. He's made it very clear that he does not like your son so he cannot be trusted to care for him. Is that any way to live?

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/08/2022 10:41

I hope you are listening op. Try to be strong. I agree with what everyone else is saying.

Thereisnolight · 15/08/2022 10:50

This is a very sad situation OP.

I will be honest and admit that I might also find it hard to live full-time with another person’s child with disabilities.

But that can mean you find it hard to meet someone through absolutely no fault of your own.

In some ways it’s complicated that you’re pregnant and things won’t be easy at all. But it could well bring you a lot of happiness too! whether or not you live with the father.

As a pp has suggested, is there any way you and your partner could be together while living separately?

Wishing you much luck and happiness.

Revolvingwhore · 15/08/2022 12:59

MbatataOwl · 14/08/2022 23:13

Why would you live in and get pregnant by a man that does not like your child?

Seriously, why did you do that?

Careful - asking people about their idiotic choices could be classed as victim blaming.

djdkdkddkek · 15/08/2022 13:00

why is this even a conversation?
what is the alternative, you get rid of your son because he’s annoying your partner? Like what is the solution he would like, in this instance?

truthfully I think your boundaries a bit fucked that you didn’t pick up on this before getting pregnant and moving in
i mean, wouldn’t you have heightened senses due to your sons extra needs? Like wtf?

MugginsOverEre · 15/08/2022 13:13

You know you can't stay with him. It's a shame that him not accepting your child wasn't known before you got pregnant. It's not like you can dump your existing child and start anew so what is your BF expecting?

Hoppinggreen · 15/08/2022 13:15

Unless you surprised him with your child when you moved in then he is being a bit of a Dick.
I think you have made some questionable choices here too but you do need to move out/chuck him out asap

Christmasiscominghohoho · 15/08/2022 13:15

badhappening · 15/08/2022 08:57

I’m female and if it was the other way around, being honest, I don’t think I could cope with it at all either.

I think you’ve both made a very sad mistake by not living together first.

I don’t know what the solution is apart from a) breaking up, b) maintaining a relationship but living separately or c) putting your child in a home and up for adoption (I know of someone who did this sadly).

I actually can’t even believe you put c as a fucking option!!!

disgusting.

Hoppinggreen · 15/08/2022 13:17

Also, what if this child has additional needs too? Will he “accept” that?
Unfortunately I think you might be bringing up 2 children on your own

serenghetti2011 · 15/08/2022 13:25

What can’t be ‘handle’ I mean a grown man he sounds very immature and pathetic, I could not be with such a man.

You need to stop putting yourself and him first and put your child and now unborn child first. How will you support them, etc the needs of your existing child outweigh what you want or what this man wants and you need to prioritise - it’s hard, I have a child with asd and it’s tough but he comes first. My partner is amazing with him, he’s learned how to have a relationship with him and made the effort instead of running away. He’s shown you who he is now listen.

maddy68 · 15/08/2022 13:29

Move out.
You'll manage

Lovemypeaceandquiet · 15/08/2022 13:34

According to latest data, there’s a 1 in 5 change of having ASD child if one or more siblings have got it. Would he reject his child if that wa a TB e case?

Blending families with severe ASD children involved is very complex, you should only move in together if all parties are comfortable with the situation. You can’t move back and forth whenever your partner changes his mind.

I can’t believe you’d move in before making 100% sure he’s fully aware of your sons needs and behaviours.

TrashPandas · 15/08/2022 13:41

Like other posters said, I'd not only leave but I'd also terminate the pregnancy. Having the baby will likely be a serious detriment to your existing child, not only because it ties you to this prick for the rest of your lives but because you'll have far less time and money for him.

5zeds · 15/08/2022 14:27

@Lovemypeaceandquiet i think this says about a 5% chance in half siblings from same mother.
www.ucsf.edu/news/2014/06/115346/families-autistic-child-are-third-less-likely-have-more-kids

FuckMyActual · 15/08/2022 14:56

Not everyone can deal with a special needs child.
Do not stay with him. It's not his fault he can't handle it. It's his fault he's not said "I cannot be with you because it's not fair to your child as I will be absolutely no kind of positive figure in their world"

He can be a dad to his child without being with you. That works. Or you can think on whether you want to continue with the pregnancy. But you can't stay with this man. It's not fair on your child

momtoboys · 15/08/2022 15:04

Why in the world would you get pregnant with a person who is so clearly struggling with accepting your son? This is wrong on so many levels. Your first son is not his blood and he really shouldn't have to spend the rest of his life having to bear the difficulty of being his parent. God forbid the child you are carrying has similar issues. What then? You'll be on your own but ow with two children. What a mess. Your son deserves to be protected and to be surrounded with people who accept how difficult his life is and loves him anyway.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 15/08/2022 15:06

I really feel like I am left with no choice but to move home with my Son because the whole situation is seriously affecting my mental health

Errr - and what about what your "D"P's attitude will be doing to your son's mental health? Hmm

Lovemypeaceandquiet · 15/08/2022 15:06

Well, there’s lots of research coming out every year. It was thought to be 5%, but studies find it might be much higher than that, especially if the older sibling is a girl (

NippyWoowoo · 15/08/2022 15:09

clpsmum · 14/08/2022 23:04

Omfg why on earth did you move in with him and plan a family with him. You need to put the child you already have first

This. Never understand it.

Midlifemusings · 15/08/2022 15:10

Herejustforthisone · 15/08/2022 07:35

If you stay with this man, just imagine the abuse he’s going to dish out to your son in time, imagine the favouritism over his own biological child, just imagine what that would be like for him.

We know none of this. All OP has said is that he gets frustrated and has verbalized he doesn't feel he can handle a non verbal severely disabled child in his home. Look at the step parent threads - a lot of step parents get frustrated and can barely handle a step child with no disbailities. I am glad he spoke up and has told OP that as much as he wants this, he can't do it.

People are projecting a lot of unwarranted anger onto him.