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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP - what to make of this?

105 replies

gtttti · 13/08/2022 20:49

I live with DP and recently sold my house. I’m 5 months pregnant and when over for a couple of weeks to begin to sort the house with packing, not major m just generally bag things up and get boxes ready. It’s around an hour from where me and DP live.

I asked him to come over for the long weekend so we could spend time together rather than having two weeks apart. He turned up last weekend completely miserable and really late, like 9:30 so we didn’t have dinner together. Saturday arrives and I felt horrendous and turned out I had covid, he had it too but no symptoms. Instead of going out and sorting food or helping, he suggested he would head back to our home and come back in a day or so ie Sunday or Monday (he had the Monday off). I said I would rather he stayed as I was feeling awful and worried about the night time getting worse with breathing. He stayed begrudgingly.

The following day, Sunday, he woke up and said the bed was uncomfortable and the house was a bit cold and that he hasn’t slept well. I said I was sorry and that it was probably because the bed was unfamiliar and I said I felt like that when I first stayed at his place. It did feel a bit insulting though… I wouldn’t dream of commenting like that when I was at his but then I suppose we are further on in the relationship now so maybe it’s ok he’s being honest.

Later on Sunday I felt much better and we went for a walk but he was very off with me and kept saying he would have to leave around 7 as he had work to catch up on. I called him late Sunday to say goodnight and he was absolutely plastered and I had to hang up after I’m ashamed to say swearing at him an saying he was awful partner after such an awful weekend and then going off to drink. he was so drunk he wasn’t making much sense. He does drink a lot but always seemed to be able to say no too, so I have no idea why he effectively cut our weekend short to go and drink under the guise of needing to catch up on work.

I knew he was like this to some extent - ie when we first started dating it was very much around him and his schedule and because I could work from home I didn’t mind much and did most of the driving and so on. I thought as time went on and especially now I’m pregnant he would be a bit more mature.

Since the weekend he’s commented that I was awful for getting angry and saying unkind things like he was a shit partner and awful to me (which I did say) and how dare I do that. No awareness that he made me feel worthless all weekend and that he turned into a moody child when I asked if he could please be supportive with the fact I needed to be in the house for a couple of weeks.

are pregnancy hormones making me overreact here? I feel a unsure. He’s fine when we are together at his and maybe it was a big ask and unnecessary to ask him to come over. I was ok by myself and not lifting anything huge, just clothes etc and general sorting.

OP posts:
Thepossibility · 13/08/2022 20:54

I think that he's given you a worrying glimpse at what your life is going to be like tied to him with a child.

Hurdling · 13/08/2022 20:54

You’re definitely not overreacting, he sounds like a huge selfish child, dosen’t bode well for when the bay arrives, you need a big talk with him.

girlmom21 · 13/08/2022 20:55

You need to really carefully consider whether living in this man's house with his baby is a good idea.

I'd look to buy somewhere else.

Technophobic · 13/08/2022 20:57

Sounds like you’ve got a large sulky child already.

GrazingSheep · 13/08/2022 20:57

are pregnancy hormones making me overreact here?
No.
Unfortunately you have got yourself a useless man.

GrazingSheep · 13/08/2022 20:58

Whatever you do, do not give up your job.

gtttti · 13/08/2022 20:59

@Thepossibility @Hurdling ok, I’m not being too irrational then?

I was a bit shocked at how angry I was about it all when on the Sunday I realised he was drinking.

i think on the Friday I expected him to turn up with bath salts or flowers or something nice… this is in hindsight I didn’t think it at the time. Probably a bit over the top but I definitely didn’t expect him to arrive way after dinner and then behave as he did.

I was probably over sensitive about the house/bed comments. It just seemed rude.

im worried as it does seem now that once anything is asked of him he just can’t cope. This doesn’t bode well does it :(

OP posts:
Unanananana · 13/08/2022 20:59

Why would you conceive with a drunk??

You need to reassess the environment you are bringing this baby into. Find a safe place for you and your baby to live. He sounds frightful.

GrazingSheep · 13/08/2022 21:00

No it doesn’t.

GrazingSheep · 13/08/2022 21:00

my reply was to the op

gtttti · 13/08/2022 21:02

@Unanananana thanks that’s helpful…!!

but I’m not sure he is a drunk. Maybe he is, but I’ve not often seen him drunk though thinking about it he probably has wine most nights. Never drunk though.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 13/08/2022 21:03

What a nasty drunken waster you have knowingly gotten pregnant by.

What were you thinking?

He is a selfish waster.

You have made a huge mistake moving in and getting pregnant with someone like this.

Is this the life you want?
A baby with a drunken selfish waster?

Rethink this pregnancy and get away from him.

You have an utterly miserable life ahead of you if you don't cop on and value yourself.

You deserve so much better than a drunken selfish waster.

gtttti · 13/08/2022 21:05

@billy1966 i am five months pregnant??

it is not helpful to attack me for this. I thought I was in a loving relationship. The man is 39 so I think I was fair to assume he had some basic level of maturity. He manages it at work. I never anticipated him behaving like that in my home - if he had on day one then I wouldn’t have seen him again.

OP posts:
gogogadgetgo · 13/08/2022 21:14

The thing is he sounds fucking awful. Not one redeeming feature. I think posters are finding it hard to believe he's not given you a whiff of this before now.

He sounds a fucking waste of space. He can't help his pregnant partner moving. He wants to fuck off home when she has covid. Sulks like a moody child until he can fuck off to get drunk. Yeah this bodes well for when there's a helpless baby.

We can sugar coat it for you if you like. But the truth is it ain't looking good.

Anyway you now know. So what do you want to do?

gtttti · 13/08/2022 21:16

@gogogadgetgo yes obviously I’ve just detailed a weekend that was out of character and seemingly because he was put out that he had to travel etc for once.

He can be lovely and generous and kind but this theme of his selfish behaviour and time frames etc has always been there to some
degree. Very structured with his time and want he needs to do and so on. I didn’t expect him to ever be unkind about it though when I actually needed him if you see what I mean.

OP posts:
InTheFridge · 13/08/2022 21:17

Don't move in with him OP.

He is awful

Unanananana · 13/08/2022 21:18

If he is 'structured' with time and concerned only with his own drinking needs, how do you think he will treat an innocent baby or you when you need support?

He wouldn't even support you when you had covid and are pregnant with his child for fucks sake?? God, your poor child.

ExtraOnion · 13/08/2022 21:21

He’s not going to change because you are pregnant.

He gave you some very clear indications, early on, as to what / who he was - you reference this in your original post.

He has no reason to change, you have sold your house, moved in with him, conceived .. and he’s not had to change one bit.

At this stage in your relationship, he shouldn’t need to be forced to come and see you, or spend time together .. he should be wanting to do these things. He wanted to leave his pregnant partner, with Covid, in a house on her own, without buying food etc, because he was a bit tired…. This does not bode well for when the baby is here.

Is this really what you want ?

gtttti · 13/08/2022 21:22

@Unanananana he can be very caring when I’ve been unwell. But again it just seems like this wasn’t on his terms so he was in a mood. It’s made me feel shit. I’d have been there like a shot if he needed me.

OP posts:
gogogadgetgo · 13/08/2022 21:23

gtttti · 13/08/2022 21:16

@gogogadgetgo yes obviously I’ve just detailed a weekend that was out of character and seemingly because he was put out that he had to travel etc for once.

He can be lovely and generous and kind but this theme of his selfish behaviour and time frames etc has always been there to some
degree. Very structured with his time and want he needs to do and so on. I didn’t expect him to ever be unkind about it though when I actually needed him if you see what I mean.

Really?

Normal people don't go from generous and kind one minute to abandoning their pregnant covid infected partner to get wasted.

Besides which he has shown you what he's like. He likes things his way. He doesn't like to be told what to do. He wants to do what he wants to do. How do you think that will work with a baby?

You might be okay with bending over backwards and doing everything 'his way'. Babies tend to have their own schedule.

Fuck. Think of what will happen when they're a child and want to do things your partner doesn't. Will he throw a childish sulk at your kid till he gets his own way?

Spoiler alert. I've seen grown men do this. It was not pretty.

gtttti · 13/08/2022 21:24

ExtraOnion · 13/08/2022 21:21

He’s not going to change because you are pregnant.

He gave you some very clear indications, early on, as to what / who he was - you reference this in your original post.

He has no reason to change, you have sold your house, moved in with him, conceived .. and he’s not had to change one bit.

At this stage in your relationship, he shouldn’t need to be forced to come and see you, or spend time together .. he should be wanting to do these things. He wanted to leave his pregnant partner, with Covid, in a house on her own, without buying food etc, because he was a bit tired…. This does not bode well for when the baby is here.

Is this really what you want ?

@ExtraOnion he didn’t say he was tired he just commented generally that going back and forth was a big ask as he was so busy at work. I’d done the journey for a year when we first met so it seemed like a doddle to me.

It’s not what I want no. I do have some financial independence but I’m just quite sad now that I was so hopeful about things.

OP posts:
gtttti · 13/08/2022 21:25

gogogadgetgo · 13/08/2022 21:23

Really?

Normal people don't go from generous and kind one minute to abandoning their pregnant covid infected partner to get wasted.

Besides which he has shown you what he's like. He likes things his way. He doesn't like to be told what to do. He wants to do what he wants to do. How do you think that will work with a baby?

You might be okay with bending over backwards and doing everything 'his way'. Babies tend to have their own schedule.

Fuck. Think of what will happen when they're a child and want to do things your partner doesn't. Will he throw a childish sulk at your kid till he gets his own way?

Spoiler alert. I've seen grown men do this. It was not pretty.

@gogogadgetgo i know. I’ve no idea really. I did feel like I was dealing with a sulky child. I feel very unsupported tbh.

OP posts:
gtttti · 13/08/2022 21:26

The ridiculous part is that he’s a GP so presumably spends his time caring for people day to day! Maybe he gets fed up with it at home too I don’t know

OP posts:
Thepossibility · 13/08/2022 21:31

No not irrational. I would expect DP would be more interested in his pregnant partners comfort than his own. And cherishing time together before bub arrives. What is he going to be like when baby is keeping him awake/hurting his back/annoyingly crying for seemingly no reason/not being as interesting as he'd like?
He is acting like a selfish brat.

LastWordsOfALiar · 13/08/2022 21:31

gtttti · 13/08/2022 21:22

@Unanananana he can be very caring when I’ve been unwell. But again it just seems like this wasn’t on his terms so he was in a mood. It’s made me feel shit. I’d have been there like a shot if he needed me.

Why do you keep making excuses for him? Every single partner is kind at times, that's why most people stay who are in awful relationships. The fact he's kind sometimes doesn't take away from the times he's unreliable, selfish and rude.

Wake up and smell the coffee. Trust me, it'll get worse when baby is here.

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