DP - what to make of this?

[gtttti]

I live with DP and recently sold my house. I’m 5 months pregnant and when over for a couple of weeks to begin to sort the house with packing, not major m just generally bag things up and get boxes ready. It’s around an hour from where me and DP live.

I asked him to come over for the long weekend so we could spend time together rather than having two weeks apart. He turned up last weekend completely miserable and really late, like 9:30 so we didn’t have dinner together. Saturday arrives and I felt horrendous and turned out I had covid, he had it too but no symptoms. Instead of going out and sorting food or helping, he suggested he would head back to our home and come back in a day or so ie Sunday or Monday (he had the Monday off). I said I would rather he stayed as I was feeling awful and worried about the night time getting worse with breathing. He stayed begrudgingly.

The following day, Sunday, he woke up and said the bed was uncomfortable and the house was a bit cold and that he hasn’t slept well. I said I was sorry and that it was probably because the bed was unfamiliar and I said I felt like that when I first stayed at his place. It did feel a bit insulting though… I wouldn’t dream of commenting like that when I was at his but then I suppose we are further on in the relationship now so maybe it’s ok he’s being honest.

Later on Sunday I felt much better and we went for a walk but he was very off with me and kept saying he would have to leave around 7 as he had work to catch up on. I called him late Sunday to say goodnight and he was absolutely plastered and I had to hang up after I’m ashamed to say swearing at him an saying he was awful partner after such an awful weekend and then going off to drink. he was so drunk he wasn’t making much sense. He does drink a lot but always seemed to be able to say no too, so I have no idea why he effectively cut our weekend short to go and drink under the guise of needing to catch up on work.

I knew he was like this to some extent - ie when we first started dating it was very much around him and his schedule and because I could work from home I didn’t mind much and did most of the driving and so on. I thought as time went on and especially now I’m pregnant he would be a bit more mature.

Since the weekend he’s commented that I was awful for getting angry and saying unkind things like he was a shit partner and awful to me (which I did say) and how dare I do that. No awareness that he made me feel worthless all weekend and that he turned into a moody child when I asked if he could please be supportive with the fact I needed to be in the house for a couple of weeks.

are pregnancy hormones making me overreact here? I feel a unsure. He’s fine when we are together at his and maybe it was a big ask and unnecessary to ask him to come over. I was ok by myself and not lifting anything huge, just clothes etc and general sorting.

Yeah he liked the theory of it but he can’t be bothered to even drive over to see you or care if you’re unwell

@Shoxfordian yes but you asked why I thought he’d be great about it all. That’s why…

I would guess he drinks to mask something, and in the six months without alcohol he had to mentally confront the thing he was masking. (With my DP it was undiagnosed ADHD leading to depression, anxiety, poor self-esteem. He too could give up for six months. It didn’t help til the root cause of drinking was addressed.)

Drinking old gross wine is a red flag. Normal healthy drinkers who fancy a glass of wine would take one sip and think “eurgh” and tip it down the sink. Alcoholics won’t care.

I didn’t meant that you’d say something if he drank at your house. I meant he literally doesn’t have secret booze hidden there. He does at the house you share, I’d guarantee it. You might not say anything about the regular drinking but I bet he also keeps some of the other, solo drinking from you, regardless of what you do and don’t say about the day-to-day stuff you do witness. Does he have an office or space of his own in the house you share? There’ll be booze in it. He will drink alone, and for the sole purpose of drinking.

Sorry to be blunt.

Your ise of words like odd and strange is very telling.

Drinking old wine, when you know he is a heavy drinker.

Seeing such a personality change when he stopped drinking.

OP, you can go round in circles in your absolute denial at what was staring you in the face.

You can continue to be confused and wonder if its your hormones.

You can search for lots of excuses and explanations.

All the while wasting time about the absolute reality of your situation.

You need to take action NOW to source a home for your baby away from him.

You need to view yourself as a single parent whose baby's father is a selfish alcoholic.

By all means take the long hard road of denial.........the end destination will be the very same.

You rearing a child on your own with a loser ex.

@billy1966 when ive told a couple of friends and my mum about the drinking they’ve all said there must be a bigger problem than I realise. I’m not saying I’m ignoring that but it’s just difficult to understand given I live with the man usually and although he drank a lot he was seemingly very in control. For instance he won’t touch a drop if we’ve driven anywhere. To me that always seemed quite controlled, otherwise wouldn’t an alcoholic be desperate for even one with a meal before driving back?

I am not an expert and certainly think he’s drinking more than I realised but if he won’t accept that or see it, which I highly highly doubt, what am I supposed to do?

also can it really be the case that he is like he is purely surrounding an alcohol issue?

I feel so in the dark.

I think it's possible he regularly drinks behind your back, in addition to what you see. Perhaps his discomfort at your house was because he wanted to drink more than would seem acceptable, and doesn't have any hidden stash to dip into in secret. Also many people with problem drinking can abstain when they need to so just because he won't drink and drive does not mean he doesn't have a problem.

If you can, I'd reconsider moving in with him as PPs have suggested. If he does have an alcohol problem it's not a great environment to bring a child into, and his stress levels certainly aren't going to go down with a newborn in the mix. I'd also try talking to him about his alcohol use, but I'm also not optimistic you'll get very far with that as he may not want to acknowledge the problem or be ready to do anything about it.

I'm sorry you're in this situation OP, but you're definitely not being unreasonable or hormonal here.

Are you going to give the baby his last name despite all this OP?

I think it's telling that he's started to behave like this now you are pregnant and have sold your house - you have fewer choices now and are more trapped in the situation. If you haven't completed the sale on your house, I think you should seriously reconsider your position and whether you want to continue the relationship. You shouldn't have to be walking on eggshells in any relationship.

It sounds like he is dependant on alcohol, that's why he is moody and structured with his time, he needs to drink. He is possibly a functioning alcoholic. Alchoholics are very selfish and their needs always come first, l would run for the hills, you would feel as though your a lone parent and resent him even more once baby arrives.

Your friends and mother are correct.

There is a much bigger problem than you realise.

I would absolutely believe that he is drinking behind your back.

You don't need to know every last detail to know this situation is wrong and you are entering a clusterfxxk of a situation, pregnant.

Help yourself, while you can.
Halt the sale.
Don't move in.
Move closer to your mum and friends.

It really is that simple.

@TheSmallAssassin it wasn’t walking on eggshells as in feeling in danger. More just feeling drained of the atmosphere I guess and wanting it to stop.

the only thing I can think is he’s irritated he’s had to come over. He’s said a few times it’s a huge ask. In fact when I had covid and was in bed asking him to stay, he suggested I got in the car and went back with him. I literally felt like I couldn’t move for the first 24 hours!

He doesn't want to come over because he can't drink and drive. He can't drink as much as he wants around you.

He's an alcoholic.

I’m wondering why you haven’t answered this. You obviously don’t have to, but it’s interesting.

@Cherchezlaspice yes I have, he says either I’ve not been pleasant or he doesn’t really respond. There’s no discussion about it just that he’s busy and so on and the drive in particular is causing him stress, which seems to excuse it all.

I did say plenty of people do that commute daily and he said he has the sort of job where it’s too much for him.

I wonder if he has been reluctant to drive to your house because he is afraid of being stopped and breathalysed? If he is drinking a lot it could stay in his system quite a while. Sadly it does sound as though its all about the drink and I think posters are right in saying that he will have a secret stash at his place and the alcohol you see him drink is by far from the only alcohol he is consuming. Also, he does not sound very nice to you. As you are financially independent I would make a home for yourself and your lovely baby without this man. If things change in the future you could re-evaluate. Wishing you all the best.

So sad to read this happening to another Woman....once they become pregnant 😢

@catandcoffee I feel I am to blame a bit. I knew he wasn’t exactly partner of the year when we moved in. I really love him though. I thought his stability (what a joke that now seems!) and his ease of chatting and gentle nature was so amazing. I wanted to give him leeway with his work as he found it stressful. I never anticipated he would treat me badly.

Regarding not being desperate to have one drink with a meal - alcoholics don't want one drink, they want to wait until they get home and get plastered. Probably using the excuse of going all day without and eating deserves a drink or 10.

Right, so that response again makes it seem like you haven’t actually had the overarching conversation about all these factors and have just been bickering about the commute and him being grumpy about it. It’s not about the commute.

If that’s not the case and you’ve actually said all of the things you’ve stated here (that I’ve listed) and he’s ignored you and refused to discuss it, then you don’t have a functional relationship. Why are you tolerating this?

I’m not saying I’m ignoring that but it’s just difficult to understand given I live with the man usually and although he drank a lot he was seemingly very in control. For instance he won’t touch a drop if we’ve driven anywhere. To me that always seemed quite controlled, otherwise wouldn’t an alcoholic be desperate for even one with a meal before driving back?

Do some reading about "functional alcoholics." It's very common with medical doctors. Frankly, I wouldn't want to be treated by him.

And his heavy drinking will take a toll on his health, both physical & mental.

It's also interesting that he's got to early middle-age without having had at least one other serious substantial log-term relationship. Especially as on paper, he's probably quite "eligible" : educated, professional, well-off. All the male medicos I know married quite young, so it can't be "pressure of work."

I'm sorry @gtttti but I think this hasn't been the relationship you thought it was. He said he wanted commitment, a family, but as I seem to say on MN a lot, words are cheap, anyone can say the right things but it's their actions that speak loudest. He works as a GP but seems to have little interest in your health even though you're pregnant, he gets moody at the smallest things, he can't seem to accommodate your needs even though you've done as much for him.
Sadly being a GP is a stressful business and a lot of Doctors end up with a drink problem, my lovely GP had to leave the practise after being caught drink driving in the middle of the day. Most people who drink too much are in denial but the real clue is secret drinking - I think a search of his house would tell you a lot. The fact he drinks a lot but doesn't seem drunk also suggests a high consumption is normal for him.
Usually I'd suggest a big, honest talk with him but if he's an alcoholic he will deny and deny so you're going to have to turn detective.
The most important person here is your baby, try to stand back and look at this in a detached manner and deceide what's best for them. I wish you lots of luck

Men get worse after having a baby, not better.

You'll either break up now or in the future. The problem with breaking up in the future is that 1. You will have lost your house and 2. your childs feelings will be first hurt by him.

Can you plstay in your house? If not can you buy something with 2 bedrooms? Even if you insist on staying with this man do something like that and let it out. Do not give up your home or job for him. You will regret that.

If he does turn out to be the father of the year, you can always still sell a few years down the line (or still just let it out and save any profits as a study fund for your kid).

It sounds to me like he's alcohol dependent and using it to self medicate maybe depression or something. Usually when people quit drinking for 6 months they feel magic. He's able to get through a day ok in the knowledge there's a drink at the end, and gets irritable when it looks like that routine will change. He probably needs to evaluate why he's drinking and address the root problem, preferably in the next 4 months!

Sorry to read you are being treated like this and from someone who should know better considering his profession.

I think you need some breathing space especially on the housing front. If you can pull out of the sale then keep the house and like a pp you can always rent it if you want to move in with your partner. You do need a safety net and that is what your own home is. A safety net for you and your baby. Please do not worry about bringing a baby up on your own if you decide he isn't the man for you. Financially he will have to support the baby and that is so important. Maybe he just is not mature enough for the responsibility of being a parent.

At the very least you should be treated with love and care whilst pregnant carrying his child and I am so sorry that it doesn't sound this way. You deserve more.

Look after number 1, thats you and baby right now.

It's not your hormones. Your gut is trying to tell you something - and it's truly on you if you choose to listen to it or not.

But a man who can't be arsed to look after you when you're carrying their child isn't someone that is any kind of prize in my book.

Don't be an option for anyone - you deserve to be their priority.