DP - what to make of this?

[gtttti]

I live with DP and recently sold my house. I’m 5 months pregnant and when over for a couple of weeks to begin to sort the house with packing, not major m just generally bag things up and get boxes ready. It’s around an hour from where me and DP live.

I asked him to come over for the long weekend so we could spend time together rather than having two weeks apart. He turned up last weekend completely miserable and really late, like 9:30 so we didn’t have dinner together. Saturday arrives and I felt horrendous and turned out I had covid, he had it too but no symptoms. Instead of going out and sorting food or helping, he suggested he would head back to our home and come back in a day or so ie Sunday or Monday (he had the Monday off). I said I would rather he stayed as I was feeling awful and worried about the night time getting worse with breathing. He stayed begrudgingly.

The following day, Sunday, he woke up and said the bed was uncomfortable and the house was a bit cold and that he hasn’t slept well. I said I was sorry and that it was probably because the bed was unfamiliar and I said I felt like that when I first stayed at his place. It did feel a bit insulting though… I wouldn’t dream of commenting like that when I was at his but then I suppose we are further on in the relationship now so maybe it’s ok he’s being honest.

Later on Sunday I felt much better and we went for a walk but he was very off with me and kept saying he would have to leave around 7 as he had work to catch up on. I called him late Sunday to say goodnight and he was absolutely plastered and I had to hang up after I’m ashamed to say swearing at him an saying he was awful partner after such an awful weekend and then going off to drink. he was so drunk he wasn’t making much sense. He does drink a lot but always seemed to be able to say no too, so I have no idea why he effectively cut our weekend short to go and drink under the guise of needing to catch up on work.

I knew he was like this to some extent - ie when we first started dating it was very much around him and his schedule and because I could work from home I didn’t mind much and did most of the driving and so on. I thought as time went on and especially now I’m pregnant he would be a bit more mature.

Since the weekend he’s commented that I was awful for getting angry and saying unkind things like he was a shit partner and awful to me (which I did say) and how dare I do that. No awareness that he made me feel worthless all weekend and that he turned into a moody child when I asked if he could please be supportive with the fact I needed to be in the house for a couple of weeks.

are pregnancy hormones making me overreact here? I feel a unsure. He’s fine when we are together at his and maybe it was a big ask and unnecessary to ask him to come over. I was ok by myself and not lifting anything huge, just clothes etc and general sorting.

Honestly, this is why you get married before kids. This is not to be preachy or push my values on you; it's so that you can see how he deals with commitment. That he's made that decision to step up, and will make those vows, publicly. Without that, you have someone that can opt in or out, depending on how they feel. And that's what you've got, someone who isn't in any way invested in you at all. He might hang out with you, or not, depending if it suits him.

I'll tell you this for nothing: this is what you're stuck with, and worse, for as long as you stay with him. Please start to trust yourself; take your own side. It's feeling wrong to you because it is wrong.

But, like so many other women, you're talking yourself out of it because "he's not like this all the time", or "he's tired and stressed", or "perhaps I've been unreasonable too". None of those reasons are valid.

Do you feel content when he's like this? Do you feel safe, secure, loved?

No?

Then you have your answer.

I guess I keep thinking about my response to him, shouting on the phone saying he was awful and swearing at him a few times. I should have tried to talk to him about it in a better way, I just felt like shit by that point

Yes. That can happen when a big lifestyle event comes along like pregnancy. Some men unfortunately can start to panic about the reality of a baby and the effect it will have on their lives. If Op says that this is out of character, then maybe he’s just having a bit of a wobble. Not excusing his behaviour, but just a sit down and chat about what just happened is probably needed. I don’t think OP needs to go nuclear here. Yet. He’s been selfish and insensitive in this instance, but it might be sorted with a grown up chat.

@Livelovebehappy I'm going on what the ops said.

He's fine. As long as it's all done his way. She did the hour trip there and back for a whole year

He's very structured. Ie. It has to be his way.

That's not recent. That's just him.

It's up to the op of course. But fuck that's not a situation I'd be moving in and bringing a new born into.

I don't know why the OP is getting a hard time, she has come here for support.

OP what you have described is pretty crap. It's not your hormones.

In your shoes I would have a serious conversation with him to tell him how you're feeling and what you expect of him. I would then privately hypothesise about what you would do if this gets too much for you - living situation etc. but you have 4 months to figure it out - not loads of time, but enough to not make rash decisions. Sending you

I am not for a minute excusing his behaviour, but a 39 year old GP who is irritable, selfish and using alcohol as a coping mechanism sounds to me like a GP
who is on the edge of burnout.
It is sadly all too common in the profession, and he may need therapeutic help, sick leave, or a reduction in hours.
As a separate issue, you need to decide if you want to stay with him while he attempts to sort himself out, and whether there is actually a decent man who can be salvaged from the wreckage, or just a nasty man who isn’t coping and will never be any nicer.

The fact he drinks a lot but doesn't get drunk shows how used he is to alcohol. He doesn't sound caring at all. You're at your most vulnerable and he's being horrible to you.

How long have you and this boyfriend lived together? Risking the wrath of the anti-marriage on here, why didn't you want to marry him?

OP,

Its not an attack, just a statement of fact.

He's a very heavy drinker.

You have travelled to his for a year?
He couldn't do it for a weekend when you are 5 months pregnant with Covid?

Wake up.
He's not that into you.
You clearly have done ALL the running.
Was this a longed for, planned baby?
I bet not.
He's a spoiled selfish man child who drinks heavily and is a sulker if things aren't his way.

Absolute disaster.
I'm nearing 60 and if you were my daughter I would be telling you terminate and don't tie yourself to this man who could care less for the next 20 years.

Did you think a GP was a good bet?
Wrong.

They are a bloody nightmare to be married to.

Has he siggested marriage?
I bet not.

The hours, pressure's and tendency to self medicate are huge in the profession.

You need to stop thinking about what you want the relationship to be like and be honest about the reality of the situation you are in.

This is not a relationship to be bringing a poor child into.

You need to wake up and protect yourself.

He's certainly not going to.

@billy1966 again I am 5 months pregnant. Please stop suggesting I terminate.

@billy1966 i agree he seems not to care once any small demand is made of him. That’s why I’m upset.

@Azerothi 2.5 years. I’m personally not bothered about marriage. And financially it wouldn’t be an incentive as I have my own finances sorted

Thank goodness for that. Please, whatever you do now, please don't give your baby your boyfriend's surname.

Sorry OP.

No, it's not normal.

A decent, kind, loving partner would have shot over to yours asap on Friday, been helpful and then looked after you when you started to feel ill.

Not be late, complain and then go home and get drunk. Leaving his pregnant gf alone and ill. What a heartless c*

Sadly you're learning too late why you should pay heed to those little warnings early on. But you sound like you're sorted financially at least and not dependent on this total waste of space. Don't move in.

So you've been the single financially solvent, ask nothing of him, fun sexy undemanding easy to fit into his life, girlfriend. Now you're ill, pregnant (dull, maybe saying no to sex to boozy nights and want to only talk about domestic life) and needy. He'll be thinking he didn't sign up for this (he wasn't asked to sign up for anything as marriage - yeah hah - was never asked of him. You e become a day and a bore and he'd rather get pissed with his mates. Sorry.

Don't move in.
Give the baby your surname.

Are your family around?
Move as close as possible to those who will support you.

Have you exchanged on your house yet?
If not, I think it might be wise to reconsider selling up.

Babdoc might be right about burnout etc, there are welfare services around for GPS as it happens a lot.

Is he alcoholic? Is his anxiety being away from home because he can't conceal his drinking from you when he isn't at home with his stash?

Probably shouldn't have said things the way you did, but I doubt there's a person on here who wouldn't have done the same, I know I would. He was being a Class A dick.

Sending good vibes that you can work out whats best for you and baby. Such an awful situation to be dropped in!

This.

And if it is too late to do so, then make sure you protect your own finances. Do not pay off his mortgage or anything silly.

Oh dear, yanbu and he's not going to change.

Was the pregnancy planned? Sorry if I missed it. He's obviously not happy with something and he seems very very selfish.
Speaking as someone who has been there done that 🙄

Stay at your own house, I would not move in and just see each other at weekends. He was moody cause he wants to get home to drink and can't drink in your house like he wants or maybe needs to. X

I feel as if the fact he's a GP makes all this even worse. Especially the whole abandoning you when you have Covid at 5 months pregnant. He seems to have zero empathy, which is really worrying considering his profession.

Did it occur to you he was irritable and wanting to leave so he could get home and drink wine or whatever alcohol of choice that he prefers? He sounds as if he has a serious substance abuse problem and he might have been a functioning alcoholic and now transitioning to a more committed relationship,baby on the way he's now no longer able to function with the increased stress. I think you have a lot of serious issues you need to talk out with someone you can trust because right now you need to not move in with him.

@EKGEMS @GottaBeStrong @allboysherebutme

yeah a couple of friends did say they thought he was irritable and left early because of drinking habits. He does drink quite a bit I guess but I’ve no idea why he would think I would have an issue with him bringing wine over? I would have just found it normal for him tbh. I wouldn’t have questioned it, so why would that mean he would be uncomfortable at my house, it doesn’t make sense to me really.

yes the fact he is a gp and was an utter dick to me when I was unwell did not pass me by. It made it worse.

Maybe it wasn't 'enough' wine for him? If he was as drunk as you said perhaps he drank so much to want to be obliterated? It is awful treatment for his pregnant partner! You definitely deserve better