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Original poster

DP - what to make of this?

105 replies

gtttti · 13/08/2022 20:49

I live with DP and recently sold my house. I’m 5 months pregnant and when over for a couple of weeks to begin to sort the house with packing, not major m just generally bag things up and get boxes ready. It’s around an hour from where me and DP live.

I asked him to come over for the long weekend so we could spend time together rather than having two weeks apart. He turned up last weekend completely miserable and really late, like 9:30 so we didn’t have dinner together. Saturday arrives and I felt horrendous and turned out I had covid, he had it too but no symptoms. Instead of going out and sorting food or helping, he suggested he would head back to our home and come back in a day or so ie Sunday or Monday (he had the Monday off). I said I would rather he stayed as I was feeling awful and worried about the night time getting worse with breathing. He stayed begrudgingly.

The following day, Sunday, he woke up and said the bed was uncomfortable and the house was a bit cold and that he hasn’t slept well. I said I was sorry and that it was probably because the bed was unfamiliar and I said I felt like that when I first stayed at his place. It did feel a bit insulting though… I wouldn’t dream of commenting like that when I was at his but then I suppose we are further on in the relationship now so maybe it’s ok he’s being honest.

Later on Sunday I felt much better and we went for a walk but he was very off with me and kept saying he would have to leave around 7 as he had work to catch up on. I called him late Sunday to say goodnight and he was absolutely plastered and I had to hang up after I’m ashamed to say swearing at him an saying he was awful partner after such an awful weekend and then going off to drink. he was so drunk he wasn’t making much sense. He does drink a lot but always seemed to be able to say no too, so I have no idea why he effectively cut our weekend short to go and drink under the guise of needing to catch up on work.

I knew he was like this to some extent - ie when we first started dating it was very much around him and his schedule and because I could work from home I didn’t mind much and did most of the driving and so on. I thought as time went on and especially now I’m pregnant he would be a bit more mature.

Since the weekend he’s commented that I was awful for getting angry and saying unkind things like he was a shit partner and awful to me (which I did say) and how dare I do that. No awareness that he made me feel worthless all weekend and that he turned into a moody child when I asked if he could please be supportive with the fact I needed to be in the house for a couple of weeks.

are pregnancy hormones making me overreact here? I feel a unsure. He’s fine when we are together at his and maybe it was a big ask and unnecessary to ask him to come over. I was ok by myself and not lifting anything huge, just clothes etc and general sorting.

OP posts:
Original poster
gtttti · 13/08/2022 23:20

@EKGEMS yeah maybe. He’s never really drunk drunk though, just drinks a lot.

i just feel a bit abandoned I guess. I assumed he would be extra responsible but he’s gone the other way

OP posts:
Rowen32 · 13/08/2022 23:20

Can you keep your house? It seems like it would be good to hold on to it..

DustinsHat · 13/08/2022 23:45

Sorry mate. This doesn't get better. End it before you end up spending every night looking after your kids while he presumably gets wasted somewhere but who knows because he hasn't bothered getting in touch all day and has turned his phone off. The bottle always comes first. Take it from one who knows.

LittleOwl153 · 14/08/2022 00:03

I would pull the sale of your house and stay put if you possibly can. This man does not sound d safe to be around given his drinking.

Because he's a GP I would actually take a serious look at his stress levels given the drinking. There are alot of GPs who simply cannot cope anlonger with what has been thrown at the over the last couple of years - especially those who are partners in a practice. I would be very careful about brining a baby I to this environment where she is clearly showing he is not coping with something. Maintain your complete independence and your/baby's safety.

larkstar · 14/08/2022 00:05

When you say you've sold your house - does that mean you have completed?

Sorry if I've missed it - are you younger a lot than him? Was he married before?

Aquamarine1029 · 14/08/2022 00:15

You have disregarded so, so many red flags. It's quite alarming. This relationship will not be having a happy ending.

ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 14/08/2022 00:42

He can be lovely and generous and kind -- so can anyone in the world when everything's going their way, OP. More important is whether he's generous and kind when there are problems and you need a hand. He clearly isn't.

Don't blame yourself for making such an unfortunate choice of father for your baby. Everyone makes istakes, and many are much worse than that.

But do please look at your options living as a single mother. Very much better to start now on your own terms than to get forced into it later, or to struggle free after years of abuse.

wellhelloitsme · 14/08/2022 00:46

Are you planning on giving the baby his last name?

If so, why? Genuine question.

deeperthanallroses · 14/08/2022 01:07

It’s crap for the buyer but this is your life- can you pull the house sale? Is there any benefit to living with him or will it just mean you have to fit around him more as well as look after your baby?

Justcallmebebes · 14/08/2022 01:22

This is him. Take it or leave it. It's going to be a whole level of worse when there's a child in the mix

Original poster
gtttti · 14/08/2022 05:46

Thanks for house advice and surname advice (genuinely) but I’m aware of these things.

Thread was really just to understand if I was being overly hormonal or whether others would be equally miffed about this

OP posts:
stuntbubbles · 14/08/2022 06:15

I thought as time went on and especially now I’m pregnant he would be a bit more mature
People don’t really change, though. Not magically or in the way you were hoping. And alcoholics especially don’t: he will only stop drinking on the level he does, and become more supportive – or even baseline, low bar, “not want to cut and run on Covid pregnant girlfriend” – when he wants to. Not necessarily on your timetable. Sorry.

It took me a really long time to notice DP was a high-functioning alcoholic like your partner. He held down a good job, never seemed drunk, drank wine every night but lots of people do… My bet is your partner turned up late to your house because he was getting his drinking in first, and he was uncomfortable, unsettled and wanted to leave not because of the bed but because he doesn’t have alcohol hidden at your house. He does at the one you share. Count the bottles in the recycling bin each week and be honest about how many units he’s consuming. There will be more that you don’t know about.

He may change – DP did, he’s teetotal now. But it was a long and painful journey to get there and nothing I said or did made a difference. And as with all alcoholism, it could come tumbling down any day. Sorry. It’s shit, I know.

Hopingforabagofbuttons · 14/08/2022 06:47

You are definitely not being hormonal. He obviously likes things done on his terms, and when things don’t go the way he wants he becomes moody and distant, and will go out of his way to make you feel shit for even suggesting anything different. He wanted to go out and get wasted rather than spend that time with you, considering you had covid and are pregnant I’d have expected him to choose you over the pub. What makes it worse is he lied about it , pretending he had work to do
Im sorry but he is giving you little glimpses of what to expect in future. Once a baby is in the picture he’ll get worse, more sulky, more distant, because of course his wants and needs won’t be top priority any more. Unfortunately you are with an immature man child who sees no problem lying to you and at 40 I don’t see that changing.

GoodThinkingMax · 14/08/2022 07:38

I knew he was like this to some extent - ie when we first started dating it was very much around him and his schedule and because I could work from home I didn’t mind much and did most of the driving and so on. I thought as time went on and especially now I’m pregnant he would be a bit more mature.

oh dear … How long have you been together? Why did you think you could change him, or that he would change?

Please don’t make yourself financially dependent on him and do sort out finances so that when he leaves you with your joint child (because I’m afraid that seems inevitable) you will be able to support yourself.

If you live in the UK, you won’t have any rights to support unless you’re married. If you separate, he would have to pay child support but you’ll have no rights to any property settlement etc. So don’t give up your job and try to ensure that he pulls his weight in the household and child care do you don’t have to lose income by stepping back from work.

Original poster
gtttti · 14/08/2022 09:10

stuntbubbles · 14/08/2022 06:15

I thought as time went on and especially now I’m pregnant he would be a bit more mature
People don’t really change, though. Not magically or in the way you were hoping. And alcoholics especially don’t: he will only stop drinking on the level he does, and become more supportive – or even baseline, low bar, “not want to cut and run on Covid pregnant girlfriend” – when he wants to. Not necessarily on your timetable. Sorry.

It took me a really long time to notice DP was a high-functioning alcoholic like your partner. He held down a good job, never seemed drunk, drank wine every night but lots of people do… My bet is your partner turned up late to your house because he was getting his drinking in first, and he was uncomfortable, unsettled and wanted to leave not because of the bed but because he doesn’t have alcohol hidden at your house. He does at the one you share. Count the bottles in the recycling bin each week and be honest about how many units he’s consuming. There will be more that you don’t know about.

He may change – DP did, he’s teetotal now. But it was a long and painful journey to get there and nothing I said or did made a difference. And as with all alcoholism, it could come tumbling down any day. Sorry. It’s shit, I know.

@stuntbubbles he has cut out alcohol before for 6 months (circumstances outing) and by the end of the 6 months he was miserable, low etc. Physically healthier but seemed more stressed if you see what I mean? I don’t know if that’s normal.

the no alcohol at my house doesn’t make sense to me because he surely knows I rarely say anything when he drinks at home, so why would he assume I would at the house? Though actually I do remember on the Sunday I went downstairs and he’d finished a third of an old bottle of wine without saying anything (I guess he’d assume I wouldn’t know as I’m not drinking at all). I did think that was odd as he had no idea how long it had been there, at least a week or so. I just thought it was gross.

but again he could have just bought wine over, id not have thought anything of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
gtttti · 14/08/2022 09:16

Hopingforabagofbuttons · 14/08/2022 06:47

You are definitely not being hormonal. He obviously likes things done on his terms, and when things don’t go the way he wants he becomes moody and distant, and will go out of his way to make you feel shit for even suggesting anything different. He wanted to go out and get wasted rather than spend that time with you, considering you had covid and are pregnant I’d have expected him to choose you over the pub. What makes it worse is he lied about it , pretending he had work to do
Im sorry but he is giving you little glimpses of what to expect in future. Once a baby is in the picture he’ll get worse, more sulky, more distant, because of course his wants and needs won’t be top priority any more. Unfortunately you are with an immature man child who sees no problem lying to you and at 40 I don’t see that changing.

@Hopingforabagofbuttons i do feel a bit shocked by it all.

I didn’t think a 48 mile trip a couple of times a week was a big deal, having done it myself regularly before we moved in.

OP posts:
Original poster
gtttti · 14/08/2022 09:26

What’s hard is he always said he wanted marriage and kids… obviously I probed as to why that hadnt happened given he was post mid thirties and the answer was simply that he didn’t have much time when working. I don’t know much about past relationships but when I met his friends a year in, they joked and said he’d finally managed to commit to someone…

I thought that was odd as it had only been a year.

I don’t know… I’m mostly hugely disappointed. And I guess embarrassed that he has such a different attitude when he’s somewhere that’s simply to accommodate me/my needs.

We were supposed to meet at my house around 4 yesterday. He got in touch at half 3 to say he wasn’t feeling well and it wasn’t safe to drive over. I’m a bit ashamed about this but I kicked up a right fuss. He eventually turned up at 8:30 and then
later on after dinner wanted to log on to his laptop. he picked up the wrong internet code by the router. He was huffing and puffing and saying ‘well it won’t work I might need to go back.’ I then found the correct password but felt on eggshells trying to find it quickly… not because I felt in danger just because I wanted the atmosphere to stop. It was strange, I could imagine getting stressed or irritated if I couldn’t login to the internet at his but I’d have apologised seconds later for being moody or given him a hug after he got the right code and thanked him etc. There was none of that. He just sat there stoney faced.

It’s really odd because honestly, he’s usually very polite and quiet, not someone who gets irritated towards me. It seems whenever he is here or he’s had to drive, he arrives under a cloud.

Not looking forward to today.

OP posts:
layladomino · 14/08/2022 09:27

Op you are most certainly NOT overreacting.

I would be very concerned about his drinking.
I would be very concerned that after a week apart, he seemed to begrudge spending a week end with you. Arrived late on day 1. Tried to get away on day 2. Left early on day 3 when he was meant to stay til day 4. Sulked throughout.
Lied in order to leave - said he had to work but then went home and got plastered.

All of this would be a terrible sign in itself, but on top of that, he kept trying to get away from his prenant, ill, partner. He would rather be away from you with a bottle than with you, looking after you when you're pregnant and ill.

I'm outraged that he is so uncaring. I think his primary relationship is with alcohol, and he had enjoyed a week of being on his own with the bottle and begrudged being torn away and having to come to you. He wanted to get back to it, and got blind drunk as soon as he got home.

And even after the event, he hasn't realised his mistakes and apoligised. He's actually making you feel guilty for criticising his appalling behaviour!

Is it too late to keep your own house? Either way, I wouldn't move in with him. The drinking, the lies, the sulking, the lack of care, the blaming you for pointing out his dreadful beahvour. He doesn't sound like good partner or father material.

Cherchezlaspice · 14/08/2022 09:27

gtttti · 14/08/2022 09:16

@Hopingforabagofbuttons i do feel a bit shocked by it all.

I didn’t think a 48 mile trip a couple of times a week was a big deal, having done it myself regularly before we moved in.

Show quote history

Have you said all this to him? Apart from the shouty conversation, have you had one where you laid out everything you’ve said here and expressed your concerns/disappointment/anger?

Original poster
gtttti · 14/08/2022 09:31

@Cherchezlaspice yeah I did say I had travelled loads and it actually isn’t that bad it’s just one motorway really. He said it wasn’t easy for him because of work. I’ll not say what my job is but it’s comparable, which I told him I had managed to do both. I also said it was a temporary thing, not like I expected it on an ongoing basis.

OP posts:
Petronus · 14/08/2022 09:34

If you’ve not completed the sale of your house don’t, even if you end up renting it out. Sounds like you might need it still.

Cherchezlaspice · 14/08/2022 09:37

gtttti · 14/08/2022 09:31

@Cherchezlaspice yeah I did say I had travelled loads and it actually isn’t that bad it’s just one motorway really. He said it wasn’t easy for him because of work. I’ll not say what my job is but it’s comparable, which I told him I had managed to do both. I also said it was a temporary thing, not like I expected it on an ongoing basis.

That’s not all of it, is it? You’re upset that:

  • He’s made such a big deal about the drive.
  • He wanted to leave his unwell pregnant partner and go back home.
  • He went back home and got absolutely hammered.
  • His attitude at yours is rude, unpleasant and makes you feel like you’re walking on eggshells.
  • His behaviour when everything isn’t his own way or catering to him is awful.
Have you said all of the above to him? If so, what was his response? If not, why not?
comfortablyfrumpy · 14/08/2022 09:45

gtttti · 14/08/2022 09:26

What’s hard is he always said he wanted marriage and kids… obviously I probed as to why that hadnt happened given he was post mid thirties and the answer was simply that he didn’t have much time when working. I don’t know much about past relationships but when I met his friends a year in, they joked and said he’d finally managed to commit to someone…

I thought that was odd as it had only been a year.

I don’t know… I’m mostly hugely disappointed. And I guess embarrassed that he has such a different attitude when he’s somewhere that’s simply to accommodate me/my needs.

We were supposed to meet at my house around 4 yesterday. He got in touch at half 3 to say he wasn’t feeling well and it wasn’t safe to drive over. I’m a bit ashamed about this but I kicked up a right fuss. He eventually turned up at 8:30 and then
later on after dinner wanted to log on to his laptop. he picked up the wrong internet code by the router. He was huffing and puffing and saying ‘well it won’t work I might need to go back.’ I then found the correct password but felt on eggshells trying to find it quickly… not because I felt in danger just because I wanted the atmosphere to stop. It was strange, I could imagine getting stressed or irritated if I couldn’t login to the internet at his but I’d have apologised seconds later for being moody or given him a hug after he got the right code and thanked him etc. There was none of that. He just sat there stoney faced.

It’s really odd because honestly, he’s usually very polite and quiet, not someone who gets irritated towards me. It seems whenever he is here or he’s had to drive, he arrives under a cloud.

Not looking forward to today.

Not being funny, but I bet he put the wrong code in deliberately, as a reason to go home.

Something is off, and I don't think it's your hormones, sorry.

Shoxfordian · 14/08/2022 09:59

He sounds very selfish
What made you think this would change if you had a baby? Plan to be a single parent

Original poster
gtttti · 14/08/2022 10:04

Shoxfordian · 14/08/2022 09:59

He sounds very selfish
What made you think this would change if you had a baby? Plan to be a single parent

@Shoxfordian honestly? The fact he said all his life he wanted kids, that it would be amazing. The fact he said that was what life was about for him. The fact he always came across as prioritising his own elderly dad. Things like that.

OP posts: