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Original poster

Partners low sex drive

80 replies

Bluelightbaby · 13/08/2022 15:49

I left my husband of twenty years due to DV - we had really shit non intimate/non kissing sex most days.

I then met my current partner of 3yrs at work. He’s worlds apart from my ex….he’s so kind, gentle and affectionate and just an all round nice guy.
he’s incredibly tactile and expressive of his love in words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service and time BUT he basically has very little interest in actual sex - which I’m finding hard !!!!

we have a wonderful life together and he’s basically my best friend, but sometimes I think that’s all it is ?? There’s no lust or passion !
i do have a decent sex drive and I get his is low BUT I feel like I have to constantly pester for sex and often get rejected :(

we’re currently TTC and using OPKs he’ll basically ‘force’ himself to have sex on my fertile days then that’s him done for the month !!! He actually jokes that he looks forward to my period for a break !!

im really struggling with the lack of sex as I need that level of intimacy and the need to feel desired :(

anyone else in a similar situation ?

thanks x

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluelightbaby · 13/08/2022 15:56

To add….he also sets sooo many boundaries around sex….no sex after 8pm no sex when we have guests or my kids staying. Sex pretty much only in the bed no where else.
hes not not sexually interested though as will take a bj at any opportunity lol

OP posts:
PetalParty · 13/08/2022 15:57

How are you at raising your self esteem in other ways apart from feeling desired?

gotelltheoldmandowntheroad · 13/08/2022 16:00

Yes but the other way. I seriously could do it once a month while he wants it every day.

We discussed him having it elsewhere in the past, but he hasn't done that. We struggled a lot but ultimately he loves me.

I just simply am not that bothered about sex! I feel really bad about it too. I love him, he's amazing, and he's notably attractive and hot, AND when we do it it's great.

We have it more than I want, but whenever we do it and I'm not in the mood it ends up being amazing. He's very attentive to my needs.

Can you get him in the mood?
Does he enjoy it when you do it?

Would getting it elsewhere be an idea?

DonnaBanana · 13/08/2022 16:04

“no sex when we have guests”

I don’t think you can have a go at him for that especially if your home isn’t that large or if the sound travels.

Original poster
Bluelightbaby · 13/08/2022 16:05

He’s ten years my junior, so thought it should be the other way round !

im not sure how to feel desired without it….maybe I have a wrong association with sex. He tells me all the time I look great and am beautiful

I can get him in the mood easily if he’s up for it, otherwise it’s a firm no

when we have sex it’s amazing !!

perhaps quality over quantity??

id never cheat on him…..I literally adore him and have so much respect for him

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluelightbaby · 13/08/2022 16:06

DonnaBanana · 13/08/2022 16:04

“no sex when we have guests”

I don’t think you can have a go at him for that especially if your home isn’t that large or if the sound travels.

I guess I am being unreasonable on that point yes. We have a big house and we have guests very regularly as no friends/family locally. Normally wouldn’t care but hard when TTC

OP posts:
BigButtons · 13/08/2022 16:09

You are sexually incompatible . It will get worse if you have a baby.

gotelltheoldmandowntheroad · 13/08/2022 16:11

Well I can let you know that it's possible to love and desire someone and find them attractive without needing sex all the time. I'm just over sex, I just am no longer that interested in it in general. I'm 40 and used to have great sex with exes and like I said with hubby it's also great.

If he doesn't get upset with you over it just do what will get him in the mood and have a good time?

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 13/08/2022 16:40

i do have a decent sex drive and I get his is low BUT I feel like I have to constantly pester for sex and often get rejected :(

not to sound rude, but his sex drive may be lower than yours, but it’s normal for him & it sounds like he might see you as a sex pest ?

hes not not sexually interested though as will take a bj at any opportunity

again without sounding rude, might he not actually want children as is avoiding intercourse but will take a bj ?

Original poster
Bluelightbaby · 13/08/2022 17:01

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 13/08/2022 16:40

i do have a decent sex drive and I get his is low BUT I feel like I have to constantly pester for sex and often get rejected :(

not to sound rude, but his sex drive may be lower than yours, but it’s normal for him & it sounds like he might see you as a sex pest ?

hes not not sexually interested though as will take a bj at any opportunity

again without sounding rude, might he not actually want children as is avoiding intercourse but will take a bj ?

in understand it’s normal for him and I’m pretty sure he does see me as a sex pest :(:(

he really does want children and is so excited about it, we’ve been TTC for 9months now and he’s so positive all the time bless him, he’s the one pushing for tests so we’ve got blood tests/scan and seamen analysis booked

OP posts:
FluffyFlower · 13/08/2022 17:20

He sounds like a great guy, don't let this ruin your otherwise great relationship. Sex drive has its ebb and flow, and you never know if yours won't diminish with time, or his increases. Once a month is not once a year. Lol. I would wait it out, and make the most of what you have.

PetalParty · 13/08/2022 17:40

Which other emotions does feeling desired relate to for you?

Interesting that you have used the word “desired”, rather than making love or intimacy. It sounds like it is less to do with the actual physical satisfaction itself…

Original poster
Bluelightbaby · 13/08/2022 18:40

PetalParty · 13/08/2022 17:40

Which other emotions does feeling desired relate to for you?

Interesting that you have used the word “desired”, rather than making love or intimacy. It sounds like it is less to do with the actual physical satisfaction itself…

I guess about being made to feel wanted (sexually) and that I’m lusted after/desired. But he does show me that in other ways, perhaps I do wrongly associate sex with that ?
I’ve had bad experiences with sex in the past. Including childhood sexual abuse/rape and twenty years with and abusive ex husband

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluelightbaby · 13/08/2022 18:41

I think over a life time of sexual abuse I’ve been conditioned to believe that a man only wants you if he having sex.

bloodhell perhaps I need therapy ??

OP posts:
HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 13/08/2022 18:51

Bluelightbaby · 13/08/2022 18:41

I think over a life time of sexual abuse I’ve been conditioned to believe that a man only wants you if he having sex.

bloodhell perhaps I need therapy ??

I can categorically tell you this is not true, yes sex is great, and being with someone who wants to have sex with you is also great, but there is so much more than that, someone to share the good times with and support you in the bad times,

it sounds like your partner is trying to do that?

Pom87 · 13/08/2022 18:56

I was in this position. We ended up getting divorced. I thought i could get past it but wasn't possible.

ArcticSkewer · 13/08/2022 19:03

He likes bj but not full sex. Why is that?

Original poster
Bluelightbaby · 13/08/2022 19:05

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 13/08/2022 18:51

I can categorically tell you this is not true, yes sex is great, and being with someone who wants to have sex with you is also great, but there is so much more than that, someone to share the good times with and support you in the bad times,

it sounds like your partner is trying to do that?

Show quote history

I can’t tell you how supportive this man is !! He’s literally the nicest guy, no malice to him and at work and personal life he’s my absolute hero and I’m so proud to say he’s my partner.
he certainly is doing that. Argh I just love sex and it’s the thing I miss and want more of.
I’ve also never loved or fancied anyone as much as I do him, it’s a whole new idea of a relationship to me

OP posts:
PetalParty · 13/08/2022 19:07

ArcticSkewer · 13/08/2022 19:03

He likes bj but not full sex. Why is that?

It’s lower effort.

Original poster
Bluelightbaby · 13/08/2022 19:15

PetalParty · 13/08/2022 19:07

It’s lower effort.

Show quote history

Yep fully agree. It’s literally no effort for him at all and he gets a lot of pleasure from them lol

OP posts:
BigButtons · 13/08/2022 20:26

I would stop giving him BJs. This is not simply about you needing sex to feel valued. You want to have sex more often because you like sex-Your sex drive is your sex drive- it is healthy and normal to want to have sex as you do- his is considerably lower. You have to ask yourself whether you can put up with this in the long term. If you can then fine- he sounds like a nice man, but it might become a bigger issue as time goes on.

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 13/08/2022 21:08

agree with other posters. Cut down/ out the BJs, you cannot make him want more sex ( and you shouldn’t really pressure him either as that’s not fair ), but if he has sexual desire he might step up a bit.

Original poster
Bluelightbaby · 13/08/2022 22:35

So with the bj thing, he’s never once asked me for one. I just offer and he rarely says no. I offer because I’m missing that intimacy and I know he’ll say no to sex so at least there’s some sort of intimacy I guess

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluelightbaby · 13/08/2022 22:37

Out of interest how much would suggest a high sex drive ?
he makes me feel like I’ve got something wrong with me ? I’d happily have it most days. Not necessarily everyday but definitely say 3-4x a week

OP posts:
stressybessie33 · 13/08/2022 22:45

You are not compatible sexually. You either accept this or you find someone else who you are more suited to. I know that sounds a bit brutal but it really is that simple. You can't change someone to fit in with your requirements.

I speak from experience. My dh has a much lower sex drive than me. We compromise at around once a fortnight and there is no spontaneity- like your dp he has certain stipulations about when and where it happens lol.

But.....

I love him. We have a great life together. He's my best friend and sex isn't that much of a deal breaker for me. So I'm willing to compromise on less sex than I'd like in an ideal world.

You have to decide what your deal breakers are and what you can live with because you can't change who someone fundamentally is and its not fair to try.

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