Partners low sex drive

[Bluelightbaby]

I left my husband of twenty years due to DV - we had really shit non intimate/non kissing sex most days.

I then met my current partner of 3yrs at work. He’s worlds apart from my ex….he’s so kind, gentle and affectionate and just an all round nice guy.
he’s incredibly tactile and expressive of his love in words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service and time BUT he basically has very little interest in actual sex - which I’m finding hard !!!!

we have a wonderful life together and he’s basically my best friend, but sometimes I think that’s all it is ?? There’s no lust or passion !
i do have a decent sex drive and I get his is low BUT I feel like I have to constantly pester for sex and often get rejected :(

we’re currently TTC and using OPKs he’ll basically ‘force’ himself to have sex on my fertile days then that’s him done for the month !!! He actually jokes that he looks forward to my period for a break !!

im really struggling with the lack of sex as I need that level of intimacy and the need to feel desired :(

anyone else in a similar situation ?

thanks x

[Stichintime]

He sounds like a great guy but the lack of sex and rejection will get to you. If you are TTC sounds like a serious relstionship. Are you really willing to sacrifice an important part of your life forever? Is the 'pay off' going to be enough for you?
By the way I think 3 to 4 days a week is pretty normal sex drive!

[DonnaBanana]

The problem is if your drive heads south in a few years or after having a child, you'll think what you gave up with this otherwise wonderful guy who you might ultimately be very compatible with.

[Abcdefgh1234]

This is sooo my husband.

i’m 33 and he is 44. In my case he is too stressful and tired with his job.

but my husband is a great guy. Very reliable, responsible and hardworking guy. But has very low sex drive.

i have 2 small kids. Age 6 and 2yo. And thats really putting him off because we still bedsharing with my 2yo.

he could go once in 3 months. But he is compromised and do atleast once a month. I dont mind if i ask first and get rejected because me and him are different. I’m very sexual and he is not. Always like that since beginning of relationship. And its getting worse after children.

[HowlongWillThisTakeNow]

Do the numbers really matter ? It seems that you place more value or importance on sex and /or sexual contact then he does.

Personally I prefer quality over quantity and daily or 3/4 times a week would be too much for me, but I’m sure there will other men who would jump at daily.

maybe you should look for a different partner?

[DivorcedAndDelighted]

This sounds awful for you OP ; please think very very carefully before continuing trying to have a baby with this man. You are incompatible in a very important and fundamental way. It's not shallow of you to love and enjoy sex. It's very important to many people and it's part of what makes you a couple, not just friends. Please don't settle for this. It is unlikely to improve and you will probably end up with what's called a "dead bedroom". Feelings of rejection are natural if you have such extremely mismatched sex drives. Those feelings are not wrong or unreasonable and you don't need therapy for them; you need to accept that this relationship is not giving you what you need. Listen to your feelings because they are your only true guide to what's right for you. It doesn't matter how many others would be happy with this situation; you're not.

You'll find many threads on men with low sex drives / mismatched libidos on here and on the Reddit Dead Bedrooms board. It rarely ends well.

[PetalParty]

Putting a lot of sex on the table is the best way to get less.

Have you tried being a little more elusive?

[HowlongWillThisTakeNow]

@DivorcedAndDelighted

This sounds awful for you OP ; please think very very carefully before continuing trying to have a baby with this man. You are incompatible in a very important and fundamental way. It's not shallow of you to love and enjoy sex. It's very important to many people and it's part of what makes you a couple, not just friends. Please don't settle for this. It is unlikely to improve and you will probably end up with what's called a "dead bedroom". Feelings of rejection are natural if you have such extremely mismatched sex drives. Those feelings are not wrong or unreasonable and you don't need therapy for them; you need to accept that this relationship is not giving you what you need. Listen to your feelings because they are your only true guide to what's right for you. It doesn't matter how many others would be happy with this situation; you're not.

You'll find many threads on men with low sex drives / mismatched libidos on here and on the Reddit Dead Bedrooms board. It rarely ends well.

And the reverse is true as well, there are plenty of threads on this forum and Reddit where the man has the higher sex drive (I think there are probably more men on Reddit complaining about this ).

[TheWayoftheLeaf]

People have different sex drives and you need to figure out if you can live with that. It doesn't mean he's doesn't love you or find you hot.

Me and DP are lucky as we've both always had low sex drives. We're happy with once a month... honestly sometimes less. We've discussed and are both happy about that. We're also in our 20s so everyone expects that we're hormone ravaged beasts. Some people don't care about sex much! It's nice but it's not some world changing experience it's just sex and orgasm.

[DixonD]

Some people don't care about sex much! It's nice but it's not some world changing experience it's just sex and orgasm.

That’s a very simplistic way of looking at it when sex is way more complex than that.

OP, it’s similar for me too, sadly. Only 4 times this year (yes, I’m counting!). It’s not an easy thing to decide to leave someone over, especially when things are ok otherwise.

[Bluelightbaby]

Thank you all. I’m so in love with this man and truly believe he’s my soulmate. He’s my best friend and wouldn’t want a life without him. Just really missing sex….but if it’s going to be this way forever then so be it.

[BigButtons]

I’m not sure why you posted OP. I get that you love this man but you are clearly unhappy with the status quo and I don’t believe it is something you can put up forever.

[HowlongWillThisTakeNow]

@Bluelightbaby

Thank you all. I’m so in love with this man and truly believe he’s my soulmate. He’s my best friend and wouldn’t want a life without him. Just really missing sex….but if it’s going to be this way forever then so be it.

Something else to consider, Is that if / when you get pregnant, some men don’t like having sex with a pregnant partner, to some it’s a bit taboo, and of course you might not feel like either.
just something to think about

[Runaround50]

Mmm tricky one...
That's a lot of boundaries around sex. What's with the no sex after 8 pm about?

Only you can decide how to pursue things. I suppose it isn't the be all and end all, but you may come to resent him later on, I don't know?

Maybe he doesn't want children?

Be careful...

[BigButtons]

The op is already doing all the work.
she needs to do more? Crazy.

[Bluelightbaby]

We both work long shifts with the ambulance service, he’s pretty high up in the command chain, so yes stressful and tiring

no sex after 8 as he says it wakes him up and he can’t sleep for hours and hours

i wrote the post because I wondered if there was any advise to dealing with it and guess I just wanted to chat it through, I have no intention ti ever leave him though

trust me I try everything to get him in the mood !!

and as for wanting children. He really does want them

we went away recently just the two of us and no sex whatsoever, when I asked him why he said it didn’t even occur to him ?!

I’ve since spoken to him and he’s upset as feels he’s letting me down and we’ve spoken about it before but yet nothings changed. He said he’ll try harder.

I don’t understand a low sex drive as have never had one so find it hard to comprehend but think we both need to compromise

[youlightupmyday]

Personally, I would say you are not compatible and I wouldn't try for a baby with this man.

What if, after years of abuse, it isn't your view of sex is skewed? What if it is more around someone being averagely nice to you, you have elevated him to the perfect prize. I would not want this relationship.

[Festoonlights]

You need therapy op.
There is more to feeling loved and confident than sex.
The way you describe him as a ‘hero’ and ‘soulmate’ offering oral sex so often as a way to feel wanted sounds really worrying to me.
3/4 times a week is a lot! Especially with full on jobs. Your expectations are unrealistic in my view, and your craving sounds motivated by your past/needing to feel valued.
Have therapy and get to the bottom of your need to feeling loved only coming through sex or being desired. As you age sex drive diminishes and you need to feel whole regardless of sexual activity.

[PetalParty]

What does it feel like to have a high sex drive, OP? I’m not being facetious, I genuinely want to understand. Take me through the course of an average day… what are you feeling and thinking?

[BigButtons]

@Festoonlights

You need therapy op.
There is more to feeling loved and confident than sex.
The way you describe him as a ‘hero’ and ‘soulmate’ offering oral sex so often as a way to feel wanted sounds really worrying to me.
3/4 times a week is a lot! Especially with full on jobs. Your expectations are unrealistic in my view, and your craving sounds motivated by your past/needing to feel valued.
Have therapy and get to the bottom of your need to feeling loved only coming through sex or being desired. As you age sex drive diminishes and you need to feel whole regardless of sexual activity.

I don’t get this. The op wants sex. It is perfectly normal to want Sex. Wanting sex does not mean you are somehow needy and should have therapy.
the op and her partner are clearly very incompatible sexually and I really do think this will cause issues further down the line.
being turned down constantly when you fell like having sex is not good for your self esteem.

[ArcticSkewer]

I think mine is fairly high still but lower than it used to be. I just think about sex a lot, want sex a lot, feel on edge, wank a lot. The usual.

You can't change him, op. If sex isn't important to you then he can still be a great partner. If sex is important to you then he can't be your ideal man. I rate good sexual ability in my top requirement because it's important to me. Your alternatives are things like opening up the marriage. Or perhaps he has some weird secret kink he's hiding from you? Unlikely though. Has he had his testosterone levels checked?

[youlightupmyday]

@Festoonlights

You need therapy op.
There is more to feeling loved and confident than sex.
The way you describe him as a ‘hero’ and ‘soulmate’ offering oral sex so often as a way to feel wanted sounds really worrying to me.
3/4 times a week is a lot! Especially with full on jobs. Your expectations are unrealistic in my view, and your craving sounds motivated by your past/needing to feel valued.
Have therapy and get to the bottom of your need to feeling loved only coming through sex or being desired. As you age sex drive diminishes and you need to feel whole regardless of sexual activity.

My DP (51) and me (48) still shag almost every day - with full on jobs. It is important to some couples. However, I agree with you about the BJ sitch. That seems unhealthy.

This man is great in comparison to your previou, abusive ex.but he still may not be the right man for you

[BigButtons]

I still can’t believe there are people out there who think women with high sexuality are somehow unstable and equate sex with love. Surely that thinking belongs somewhere way in the past?
You know, some people just really enjoy sex . For some people it is a really important part of a fulfilling relationship.
Some couldn’t give two hoots about it.
in the OP it is quite obvious that she is not happy with the situation. I wouldn’t be either and it won’t get better. With the arrival of a baby it will get worse and she will be less able to call it a day.

[AquaticSewingMachine]

Jesus. I knew there were a lot of people on this site who just plain don't like sex, but the idea that the OP needs therapy because she wants to have sex with, and feel desired by, her romantic and sexual partner..!

OP, ultimately there is no right answer to this. It's going to come down to whether this is a compromise you think you can make with clear eyes and an open heart, or not. I couldn't. Sex matters to me, and my sexual connection with DH matters to both of us. Maybe my drive will fall off a cliff in years to come, who the fuck knows. I can only make decisions on how things are right now. And my observation is that when a sexual incompatibility emerges early in the relationship, things rarely get better. You're unhappy enough to post about this, and your partner's drive is only likely to go down with time as well, especially if you succeed in conceiving. Can you deal with that? It's your call.

[Festoonlights]

@BigButtons

I still can’t believe there are people out there who think women with high sexuality are somehow unstable and equate sex with love. Surely that thinking belongs somewhere way in the past?
You know, some people just really enjoy sex . For some people it is a really important part of a fulfilling relationship.
Some couldn’t give two hoots about it.
in the OP it is quite obvious that she is not happy with the situation. I wouldn’t be either and it won’t get better. With the arrival of a baby it will get worse and she will be less able to call it a day.

I certainly do not regard high sex drive in women as unusual or somehow needs to be ‘explained’. I am referring to op’s comments about connecting having sex to feel an improvement in her self esteem on the backdrop of childhood sexual abuse. If it was s simple case of different sex drives I would post a different post. It’s the combination that concerns me. And the hero worship of any man is not healthy no matter how happy they are together.