Partners low sex drive

[Bluelightbaby]

I left my husband of twenty years due to DV - we had really shit non intimate/non kissing sex most days.

I then met my current partner of 3yrs at work. He’s worlds apart from my ex….he’s so kind, gentle and affectionate and just an all round nice guy.
he’s incredibly tactile and expressive of his love in words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service and time BUT he basically has very little interest in actual sex - which I’m finding hard !!!!

we have a wonderful life together and he’s basically my best friend, but sometimes I think that’s all it is ?? There’s no lust or passion !
i do have a decent sex drive and I get his is low BUT I feel like I have to constantly pester for sex and often get rejected :(

we’re currently TTC and using OPKs he’ll basically ‘force’ himself to have sex on my fertile days then that’s him done for the month !!! He actually jokes that he looks forward to my period for a break !!

im really struggling with the lack of sex as I need that level of intimacy and the need to feel desired :(

anyone else in a similar situation ?

thanks x

This is the post that concerned me the most.

@Festoonlights there could be a link- we don’t know. What concerns me far more is that she is giving him
BJs and trying to make herself attractive to him so that he’ll want sex with her . That is indicative of someone with low self esteem.
she says her oh is a great bloke but imo a man who happily receives sex without giving anything back is a complete knob. It’s all about him all the time in the sex arena. That’s not a great partner by any stretch of the imagination.
because of her history of abuse she most likely believes he is god’s gift simply because he isn’t like her ex. He sounds very selfish to me. Her standards of what a decent bloke does for his partner are pretty low, but she clearly can’t see this because of self esteem issues.
I do hope you area still reading @Bluelightbaby

I have a high sex drive and “could” have sex most days but I don’t think most men are that capable, so it’s a really close cuddle morning and night, that often turns into sex twice a week. However, a really good romp once a week is enough to keep me tuned up nicely, I never actually initiate sex, although we sleep naked so cuddles get steamy very easily.

Look, his sex drive is only going to decrease, not increase. If he won't have sex with kids in the house, how is that going to work out when you have your own child together?

He isn't going to want more sex; there is absolutely nothing wrong with you for wanting sex - that's normal. Read some of the past threads from women whose self esteem is slowly eroded over time due to lack of sexual intimacy with their partners. This is an issue which can corrode you and your relationship over time, so please don't try to convince yourself that it is trivial, or that you should you are wrong for this mattering.

You need to be honest with yourself about how important this is for you, and whether you want the type or relationship you will have with this man in five, ten years time.

Thank you all, yes I’m still reading. I’ve found the comments interesting but not at all what I was expecting and they’ve saddened me. Maybe because they are true and maybe because my relationship is doomed ?
I first wrote the post maybe as a bit of a vent and I guess I hoped others would be in a similar situation or to find out that I’m not the issue. But wasn’t expecting the responses I received, this is something I need to give a lot of thought to, to process the replies and decide how I proceed.

you have all made valid points about how I see him and why I see him that way. I’ve been a submissive housewife for my whole adult life and I’m still like it now (not that he expects that) I constantly make life about him and his needs because I’ve been ‘conditioned’ to be that way by my ex.

i often think I’m broken because of my past, maybe I am. But what I do know is sex aside for the first time in my life I feel safe, loved and happy.

I certainly don’t think of sex 24/7 but if I see him at work I get butterflies in my tummy and he turns me on.

then at home if we’re snuggling in bed or in the shower together or just hanging out together I just feel like I can’t keep my hands off him, I really lust after him. That’s not to say I act on it….often those thoughts are just in my head. I’m not stupid I know to other women he’s not your typically attractive man but I fancy him so much and find him very attractive.

We’ve been living together for over two years and known each other longer as we were crew mates for a while before. We see each other at work regularly and tbh we never ever argue !
I said he’s my hero and im
not ashamed to say that, he is. He’s my best friend

He sounds very safe and non threatening. Perhaps it is comforting in some way to be the 'pushier' one in the relationship, sexually?

(I don't suppose you have reason to doubt his sexuality)

The thing with sexual abuse, particularly in childhood, is that whatever your sexual pattern/level/choices would have been has been overidden by the abuser, who has imposed his objectives onto you - and because you are only there to sexually service him, what you subconsciously take on board is a defective set of priorities around sex which you then go on to replicate in future relationships.

Another feature of sexual abuse is that there is no build up of desire, no seduction and none of the usual foreplay and building sexual connection - whilst the stereotype is that this is what men like, in reality, that's not the case. Maybe you're going from 0-100mph sexually because that's all you know and it's putting him off because it doesn't really feel like authentic desire to him (which it isn't - it's because you're modelling what you experienced).

It sounds as if therapy would help you work out what your real sexual desires are and separate them out from the abusive 'training' you've received, and that would benefit your relationship with this lovely man.

Although some pp are saying that this is just a high sex drive, if you hadn't mentioned any abuse, I would have agreed with them. But in your responses above you've mentioned your history of abuse, and wondered if you might benefit from therapy. I think you know what you need, and you know that there is more going on here than mismatched sex drives....

That sounds well within normal limits. If you search for "average sex frequency" you'll get some idea for your age group. Definitely nothing wrong with you. I've often read that relationship counsellors define a relationship as "sexless" if sex occurs less than once a month, so his desire levels are far more abnormal than yours, especially given the age difference. You've said that you love him enough to stay regardless, so I'd definitely stop offering BJs as you may be inadvertently "training" him for even lower frequency of sex this way. Could you find the intimacy another way, eg massage? There are some great articles online about how to prevent a sexless relationship and these might help you to improve things or at least reduce the decline that's likely as he ages.

You say he’s wonderful etc but I think the bj thing isn’t wonderful at all. It’s very selfish. He knows you yearn for more intimacy/ sex yet he’s prepared to take his BJ then leave you with nothing. That’s not nice.
Have you asked him whether he ever thinks pwoar when he sees you like you do with him? Does he find you sexually attractive?
Has he always had a low sex drive or has it happened gradually?
I would feel the need to get some honest answers before deciding if you can go on like this for the rest of your life.

I think its bizarre that you went on a mini break and sex ‘didn’t cross his mind’. Maybe he should have his testosterone levels checked.

Also maybe you would both benefit from some couples therapy because he sounds quite uptight about sex.

Glad you are still reading @Bluelightbaby
when we have been in abusive relationships- I certainly have- it totally skews your way of thinking about yourself and your needs.
we become grateful for anyone who is kind to us, shows us care and affection . We are blind to their shortcomings and our needs because we have never been able to voice our needs or have them met.
You have needs but you also don’t want to give up the security you think you have. I totally understand that, really.
But you do have a voice and you do have needs, not unreasonable ones either.
Try and deprogramme yourself bit by bit. Listen to your needs, to your wants- they are valid and you have a right to make them heard.
Start giving to yourself rather than focusing just on him and the relationship. Where are YOU in all of this? What do you want?
Don’t make it all about what he wants. If you do you will stay small and stay lost x

This is who he is and you really do need to accept it. If you did get pregnant than there is probably no incentive for him to do it more frequently than he already does, if at all. Could you live with that OP, no sex? I suspect there’s a greater chance of that happening, than him wanting it more frequently.

There are already tensions in your relationship regarding this and my advice would be, to do your future self a massive favour, by not being taken in by his promises to change/ be something that he isn’t.

Don’t sacrifice a fulfilling sex life on the altar of “We have the perfect relationship, except for just this one thing”.

All the best and positivity op

OP, I actually think your relationship and your love for him sounds really healthy. It's clear you love him very much, and clearly sexual compatibility is a difficult issue but it is for many, many couples at various ages and stages. Its something that needs to be worked on together, but that will always be the case in one form or another. I think my question would be, do you feel you have open lines of communication about sex? Are you working to understand one another better? It's possible that mutuality in your approach to sex may actually be more of an issue than the actual frequency. I know that for many, many years I thought that frequency of sex was the issue in my marriage, but it was actually about wanting DH to care about it too (which would make me feel desired and wanted). After many, many years our sex life is more mutual and as a result I'm actually happy with alot less. Perhaps you and your partner would benefit from really trying to explore the issue together even if you limit it to just talking for the time being to take the pressure off him.

And by pressure I don't mean you're putting him under pressure, only that I think this is an area where men can get very quickly defensive and shut down even when you're trying as hard as you can to be gentle!

@Bluelightbaby, I do think your expectations are too much for most men, for me it’s the cuddle that is more important, because I know how bad it gets. Before I divorced my husband I hadn’t had a cuddle for 10 yrs, with a new man that treated me right desire hit me big time. Mine is much older than yours, being “available” and not pressuring him is by far the best way of getting what “I” want.

Just wanted to say how wise this all seems @BigButtons - your posts on this thread have been very thought-provoking. Thank you.

@DivorcedAndDelighted thank you. There seems little point in suffering and growing without sharing. We don’t always need to re invent the wheel x

Hi all, please dont think I haven’t bothered to take it all in. I’m at work now and in between jobs so thought I’d take the time to reply.
we went away for the weekend and had a shit ton of really good sex !

the thing is when we do have sex it’s pretty mind blowing so it’s not like it’s crap sex.

he said he’s determined to put my needs first and to initiate more.

im certainly I’m this with him for the long haul, our relationship is just too good to throw away because we have one issue.

thank you all for your replies, they’ve given me a lot to think about x

🤔

So nothing really wrong with his sex drive at all then

@Bluelightbaby glad things were better at the weekend. Hope it stays that way, but don’t be surprised if he slips back into his default mode quite quickly.

Well yes he has a very low sex drive but is trying hard to initiate and have sex more

Yes I think this will happen too