Partners low sex drive

[Bluelightbaby]

I left my husband of twenty years due to DV - we had really shit non intimate/non kissing sex most days.

I then met my current partner of 3yrs at work. He’s worlds apart from my ex….he’s so kind, gentle and affectionate and just an all round nice guy.
he’s incredibly tactile and expressive of his love in words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service and time BUT he basically has very little interest in actual sex - which I’m finding hard !!!!

we have a wonderful life together and he’s basically my best friend, but sometimes I think that’s all it is ?? There’s no lust or passion !
i do have a decent sex drive and I get his is low BUT I feel like I have to constantly pester for sex and often get rejected :(

we’re currently TTC and using OPKs he’ll basically ‘force’ himself to have sex on my fertile days then that’s him done for the month !!! He actually jokes that he looks forward to my period for a break !!

im really struggling with the lack of sex as I need that level of intimacy and the need to feel desired :(

anyone else in a similar situation ?

thanks x

[Fullofregret123]

@DivorcedAndDelighted

This sounds awful for you OP ; please think very very carefully before continuing trying to have a baby with this man. You are incompatible in a very important and fundamental way. It's not shallow of you to love and enjoy sex. It's very important to many people and it's part of what makes you a couple, not just friends. Please don't settle for this. It is unlikely to improve and you will probably end up with what's called a "dead bedroom". Feelings of rejection are natural if you have such extremely mismatched sex drives. Those feelings are not wrong or unreasonable and you don't need therapy for them; you need to accept that this relationship is not giving you what you need. Listen to your feelings because they are your only true guide to what's right for you. It doesn't matter how many others would be happy with this situation; you're not.

You'll find many threads on men with low sex drives / mismatched libidos on here and on the Reddit Dead Bedrooms board. It rarely ends well.

This, 100% this.

[MiniHouse]

My husband has a low libido, I'm quite a horny person. I was not abused so whilst this may have some impact on many things if course, people just naturally have different libidos. My husband sounds similar to your partner in that he's a lovely, kind person, amazing friend, before having a kid we used to touch a lot, less now.

I agree no blowjobs, offer it less than you'd like, get a vibrator if you're still too horny, time intercourse around ovulation. You don't have to tell him if it might add pressure, just make an effort then not the rest of time.

If he can't be bothered making an effort perhaps he's unfit, I suggest exercise. You could do this subtly by arranging walks or jogging for both not linking it to sex. Or maybe he's tired, if so suggest he has a lie in, etc..

I agree find out if he really wants kids. Ask for him to be honest,it's fair to know.

[girlfriend44]

@Bluelightbaby

I can’t tell you how supportive this man is !! He’s literally the nicest guy, no malice to him and at work and personal life he’s my absolute hero and I’m so proud to say he’s my partner.
he certainly is doing that. Argh I just love sex and it’s the thing I miss and want more of.
I’ve also never loved or fancied anyone as much as I do him, it’s a whole new idea of a relationship to me

Think about whaT you've got, not what you haven't.
Nobody's life is perfect. We don't get all we want all the time.

I don't consider you have a problem tbh.

[BigButtons]

@Bluelightbaby have plans as to what you are going to do with this man in the future. You are fundamentally incompatible sexually.

[Hopingforabagofbuttons]

I think you need to prepare yourself for the fact that should you start a family, this situation usually gets worse as in sex becomes less frequent. If he’s happy to cuddle up to you at night in bed but sex doesn’t happen would that still leave you feeling like you are at the moment. Is it the feeling that he’s not into you as much as you are to him that is the problem or just missing the physical act of sex itself if you see what I mean

[Bluelightbaby]

@BigButtons

@Bluelightbaby glad things were better at the weekend. Hope it stays that way, but don’t be surprised if he slips back into his default mode quite quickly.

Yes I think this will happen too

[Bluelightbaby]

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow

So nothing really wrong with his sex drive at all then

Well yes he has a very low sex drive but is trying hard to initiate and have sex more

[BigButtons]

@Bluelightbaby glad things were better at the weekend. Hope it stays that way, but don’t be surprised if he slips back into his default mode quite quickly.

[HowlongWillThisTakeNow]

So nothing really wrong with his sex drive at all then

[Blsp]

🤔

[Bluelightbaby]

Hi all, please dont think I haven’t bothered to take it all in. I’m at work now and in between jobs so thought I’d take the time to reply.
we went away for the weekend and had a shit ton of really good sex !

the thing is when we do have sex it’s pretty mind blowing so it’s not like it’s crap sex.

he said he’s determined to put my needs first and to initiate more.

im certainly I’m this with him for the long haul, our relationship is just too good to throw away because we have one issue.

thank you all for your replies, they’ve given me a lot to think about x

[BigButtons]

@DivorcedAndDelighted thank you. There seems little point in suffering and growing without sharing. We don’t always need to re invent the wheel x

[DivorcedAndDelighted]

@BigButtons

Glad you are still reading @Bluelightbaby
when we have been in abusive relationships- I certainly have- it totally skews your way of thinking about yourself and your needs.
we become grateful for anyone who is kind to us, shows us care and affection . We are blind to their shortcomings and our needs because we have never been able to voice our needs or have them met.
You have needs but you also don’t want to give up the security you think you have. I totally understand that, really.
But you do have a voice and you do have needs, not unreasonable ones either.
Try and deprogramme yourself bit by bit. Listen to your needs, to your wants- they are valid and you have a right to make them heard.
Start giving to yourself rather than focusing just on him and the relationship. Where are YOU in all of this? What do you want?
Don’t make it all about what he wants. If you do you will stay small and stay lost x

Just wanted to say how wise this all seems @BigButtons - your posts on this thread have been very thought-provoking. Thank you.

[Crazykatie]

@Bluelightbaby, I do think your expectations are too much for most men, for me it’s the cuddle that is more important, because I know how bad it gets. Before I divorced my husband I hadn’t had a cuddle for 10 yrs, with a new man that treated me right desire hit me big time. Mine is much older than yours, being “available” and not pressuring him is by far the best way of getting what “I” want.

[ellyo]

And by pressure I don't mean you're putting him under pressure, only that I think this is an area where men can get very quickly defensive and shut down even when you're trying as hard as you can to be gentle!

[ellyo]

OP, I actually think your relationship and your love for him sounds really healthy. It's clear you love him very much, and clearly sexual compatibility is a difficult issue but it is for many, many couples at various ages and stages. Its something that needs to be worked on together, but that will always be the case in one form or another. I think my question would be, do you feel you have open lines of communication about sex? Are you working to understand one another better? It's possible that mutuality in your approach to sex may actually be more of an issue than the actual frequency. I know that for many, many years I thought that frequency of sex was the issue in my marriage, but it was actually about wanting DH to care about it too (which would make me feel desired and wanted). After many, many years our sex life is more mutual and as a result I'm actually happy with alot less. Perhaps you and your partner would benefit from really trying to explore the issue together even if you limit it to just talking for the time being to take the pressure off him.

[Hawkins001]

All the best and positivity op

[AgentJohnson]

This is who he is and you really do need to accept it. If you did get pregnant than there is probably no incentive for him to do it more frequently than he already does, if at all. Could you live with that OP, no sex? I suspect there’s a greater chance of that happening, than him wanting it more frequently.

There are already tensions in your relationship regarding this and my advice would be, to do your future self a massive favour, by not being taken in by his promises to change/ be something that he isn’t.

Don’t sacrifice a fulfilling sex life on the altar of “We have the perfect relationship, except for just this one thing”.

[BigButtons]

Glad you are still reading @Bluelightbaby
when we have been in abusive relationships- I certainly have- it totally skews your way of thinking about yourself and your needs.
we become grateful for anyone who is kind to us, shows us care and affection . We are blind to their shortcomings and our needs because we have never been able to voice our needs or have them met.
You have needs but you also don’t want to give up the security you think you have. I totally understand that, really.
But you do have a voice and you do have needs, not unreasonable ones either.
Try and deprogramme yourself bit by bit. Listen to your needs, to your wants- they are valid and you have a right to make them heard.
Start giving to yourself rather than focusing just on him and the relationship. Where are YOU in all of this? What do you want?
Don’t make it all about what he wants. If you do you will stay small and stay lost x

[Flowersintheattic57]

I think its bizarre that you went on a mini break and sex ‘didn’t cross his mind’. Maybe he should have his testosterone levels checked.
Also maybe you would both benefit from some couples therapy because he sounds quite uptight about sex.

[Ourlady]

You say he’s wonderful etc but I think the bj thing isn’t wonderful at all. It’s very selfish. He knows you yearn for more intimacy/ sex yet he’s prepared to take his BJ then leave you with nothing. That’s not nice.
Have you asked him whether he ever thinks pwoar when he sees you like you do with him? Does he find you sexually attractive?
Has he always had a low sex drive or has it happened gradually?
I would feel the need to get some honest answers before deciding if you can go on like this for the rest of your life.

[DivorcedAndDelighted]

@Bluelightbaby

Out of interest how much would suggest a high sex drive ?
he makes me feel like I’ve got something wrong with me ? I’d happily have it most days. Not necessarily everyday but definitely say 3-4x a week

That sounds well within normal limits. If you search for "average sex frequency" you'll get some idea for your age group. Definitely nothing wrong with you. I've often read that relationship counsellors define a relationship as "sexless" if sex occurs less than once a month, so his desire levels are far more abnormal than yours, especially given the age difference. You've said that you love him enough to stay regardless, so I'd definitely stop offering BJs as you may be inadvertently "training" him for even lower frequency of sex this way. Could you find the intimacy another way, eg massage? There are some great articles online about how to prevent a sexless relationship and these might help you to improve things or at least reduce the decline that's likely as he ages.

[Speedweed]

The thing with sexual abuse, particularly in childhood, is that whatever your sexual pattern/level/choices would have been has been overidden by the abuser, who has imposed his objectives onto you - and because you are only there to sexually service him, what you subconsciously take on board is a defective set of priorities around sex which you then go on to replicate in future relationships.

Another feature of sexual abuse is that there is no build up of desire, no seduction and none of the usual foreplay and building sexual connection - whilst the stereotype is that this is what men like, in reality, that's not the case. Maybe you're going from 0-100mph sexually because that's all you know and it's putting him off because it doesn't really feel like authentic desire to him (which it isn't - it's because you're modelling what you experienced).

It sounds as if therapy would help you work out what your real sexual desires are and separate them out from the abusive 'training' you've received, and that would benefit your relationship with this lovely man.

Although some pp are saying that this is just a high sex drive, if you hadn't mentioned any abuse, I would have agreed with them. But in your responses above you've mentioned your history of abuse, and wondered if you might benefit from therapy. I think you know what you need, and you know that there is more going on here than mismatched sex drives....

[ArcticSkewer]

He sounds very safe and non threatening. Perhaps it is comforting in some way to be the 'pushier' one in the relationship, sexually?

(I don't suppose you have reason to doubt his sexuality)

[Bluelightbaby]

@PetalParty

What does it feel like to have a high sex drive, OP? I’m not being facetious, I genuinely want to understand. Take me through the course of an average day… what are you feeling and thinking?

I certainly don’t think of sex 24/7 but if I see him at work I get butterflies in my tummy and he turns me on.

then at home if we’re snuggling in bed or in the shower together or just hanging out together I just feel like I can’t keep my hands off him, I really lust after him. That’s not to say I act on it….often those thoughts are just in my head. I’m not stupid I know to other women he’s not your typically attractive man but I fancy him so much and find him very attractive.

We’ve been living together for over two years and known each other longer as we were crew mates for a while before. We see each other at work regularly and tbh we never ever argue !
I said he’s my hero and im
not ashamed to say that, he is. He’s my best friend