He doesn't want to move in

[Pinkbottletop]

DP and I have been together since January 2021. He has a flat he rents from his cousin. I live in a house with my pre schooler son. He has two daughters who live with their mum and who has never has overnight (because they don't like going to his bachelor pad). He lives about an hour away from me.

I have made it clear I'd like for us to live together. We've struggled with this concept for a while now. He met my son a year ago. They have a great bond. But ultimately, my DP likes his alone time. He prefers it. If he could only see me once a week, he would. We've argued around how little time he spends with me and he started to stay over more, but then any argument or disagreement and he'd leave and go back to his flat. He would give me some money towards food but nothing else, even though he was at mine half the week.

I found the constant uncertainty of him coming and going to be difficult. Was never sure if he was going to be staying or not. Sometimes he'd decide, last minute, he would stay at his flat because of trivial reasons like 'I want to get my hair cut in the morning' or 'I've got football practice late'. He seemed excited about the thought of going home. He wouldn't entertain the thought of finding a barber in my area. Or joining a local football team. He still travels to a different part of London (not where he even lives) to do those things because it's where he was raised and where his kids live.

It's confusing for my son who asks where he is when he's not at the house. His reasons for not wanting to move in are almost entirely 1 of 3:

1. It doesn't feel like his home
   
2. What happens if we break up? Where will he go?
   
3. To mitigate against point 2, he wants to keep his flat but doesn't have the money to fund two households...
   
   In March, we agreed to sell my house and I'd buy a new one in my name, but that he would contribute towards the deposit and own a % of the property on the deeds. We both agreed perhaps he'd feel more comfortable in a house we both picked and he had financially contributed to. In June, after I'd accepted an offer on my house, he told me he wasn't comfortable anymore financially contributing. He gave no other reason except he still didn't feel ready to live together. We had a huge argument and this, plus the way he was in and out of my house without a care, led to me asking him to give back my key and take his things. I felt like he had his cake and was eating it too.
   
   Since Jan he has made promises of living together by April, then by June, then before summer finishes that never seem to happen. Now I'm buying a bigger house on my own with no financial support from him and I'm really stressed out. The house is my dream house. It's beautiful. I can manage the monthly mortgage alone. We picked this house together. It'll be perfect for his kids to come and stay at too. It ticks every box. It's just the money upfront I'm struggling to come up with now he's withdrawn his offer.
   
   I feel like the relationship is done. I feel like someone who has no intention of living with me and still wants his own freedom and space isn't ready for a relationship. He tells me we're still very early into a relationship and he has to build the trust I won't 'kick him out' before he moves in. Thoughts?

[PritiPatelsMaker]

My thoughts are yes, it's done. He's clearly telling you that he prefers time alone to being with you, so give him what he wants, more time alone.

[Celynfour]

He doesn’t want to live with you and have that level of commitment .
he enjoys the status quo .
You don’t .
You’re unhappy .
That in itself is enough for it have run its course .
It wouldn’t improve if you lived together .

[TeachesOfPeaches]

Moving in and buying together is a huge commitment when you both have kids and have only been together for 18 months. I wouldn't want to give up my home so quickly either. Sounds like you both want different things.

[Cloverforever]

Why are you trying to force him to do something he clearly doesn't want to do?

[LittleBirdBlu]

It reads to me your are pressuring him to do things. The relationship is only 19 months in. I wouldn't want to live with someone who was pushing me to do it because it's what they want, and not really considering my feelings or what I wanted. Ultimately you want different things, so the relationship is done.

[maranella]

Sounds like he's happy with things as they are i.e. he sees you once a week and gets to please himself the rest of the time. He has no ties, doesn't even have his own kids to stay. He's a manchild. If you can cope with being kept in your box and got out once a week for him to play with, crack on. Otherwise, I'd end it and find yourself someone who actually wants a proper relationship.

[HotHeatDays]

@TeachesOfPeaches

Moving in and buying together is a huge commitment when you both have kids and have only been together for 18 months. I wouldn't want to give up my home so quickly either. Sounds like you both want different things.

Completely agreee with this.

It's coming accross that you want him to help you buy your dream home.

His reasons for not wanting to are valid.

[Pinkbottletop]

Thanks all.

He doesn't want the relationship to be over. I said I think it is if he's still so scared we won't work and he'll be homeless.

@TeachesOfPeaches we're not buying together. He'd own a % of the equity. He currently rents somewhere, which he doesn't want to give up. If he owned it, I'd suggest he rent the place out and we move in together and therefore he'll always have it if he needs it. He's not in the financial position to do that. He wants to keep an empty flat (where he's able to run away to if he needs) and then live with me. He thinks if he gets a new job that pays more, the solution is to give me money towards the mortgage each month and then be able to keep his flat so he has the best of both worlds still. To him it's a money thing. To me, it's a commitment thing.

[Pinkbottletop]

@LittleBirdBlu

It reads to me your are pressuring him to do things. The relationship is only 19 months in. I wouldn't want to live with someone who was pushing me to do it because it's what they want, and not really considering my feelings or what I wanted. Ultimately you want different things, so the relationship is done.

Which is why I think this is done. I've had to accept broken promises and constant push backs to what I want, and then have to accept what he wants. He doesn't want the relationship to be done. He wants for the status quo to stay this way.

[Jollygreen]

To be honest I think you're rushing things. You were talking about buying a house together when you'd only been together 14 months and you both have kids? I'd think that's far too soon personally.

Neither of you are wrong. He prefers to live his life the way he does, but you want to become a unit.

It sounds like you're just not compatible. I don't think you or he are unreasonable.

[SweatyChamoisPad]

I think it’s still pretty soon to be moving in. I’ve been with my boyfriend over two years and not met his kids yet. He lives 30 mins drive away further from town than I do, so he stays at mine two nights a week. We’re in a committed relationship but I’m nowhere near ready to let go of my solo living - probably not for a couple more years at least.

[minou123]

He has been very clear he doesn't want to live with you - there is, really, nothing confusing about this.

He doesn't even really need to give you reasons why, but the 3 reasons are legitimate and quite sensible.

The only thing he was out of order on, was agree for you to sell up, then changing his mind after you had accepted an offer.

To be honest, I dont think he really wants to be with you.
That probably sounds really harsh, but I just get the impression that you see this as a serious long term relationship, whereas he sees it at a "just having fun" type thing - a bit like a friends with benefits type thing.

[HotHeatDays]

@Pinkbottletop

Which is why I think this is done. I've had to accept broken promises and constant push backs to what I want, and then have to accept what he wants. He doesn't want the relationship to be done. He wants for the status quo to stay this way.

Thing is you want a lot of things your way too. You want him to contribute to your dream house for starters.

Where was his say in the property etc.

In your words 'push back to what I want

'

[Pinkbottletop]

@HotHeatDays

Thing is you want a lot of things your way too. You want him to contribute to your dream house for starters.

Where was his say in the property etc.

In your words 'push back to what I want

'

Above, I mentioned we picked the house together. We went to countless viewings of properties and houses I liked that he didn't were immediately taken off the list. This was a house we both picked. It was supposed to be our dream home, but now it's become my dream house because he's changed his mind.

[Scepticalwotsits]

no one is unreasonable here, although OP i would say you are slightly more on that scale. This isnt uni students where people are moving from house shares etc so moving in and moving out isnt actually as big a thing, however when people are settled in their life and with the rising cost of renting I can understand why he would be hesitant, and it reads like you are pushing.

you have three choices - accept the timeing isnt right, keep the relationship going and wait

or continue to push it and either he relents or splits

or you decide its a deal breaker and end it now

[Icedlatteplease]

You're not listening.

It doesnt want the same things you do. He clearly likes you but does want the level of commitment you do.

Frankly with 3 kids between you I totally get his thinking.

Your son shouldn't, at only 18 months into a relationship, be puzzled with your DP isnt there. "Hes at his house he spends some time here and some there".

Incidentally do you stay at his place ever or does he always come to you?

[Shoxfordian]

He isn’t serious about you
He doesn’t want what you do

[Watchkeys]

I feel like the relationship is done. I feel like someone who has no intention of living with me and still wants his own freedom and space isn't ready for a relationship

He wants a relationship with you. He just doesn't want the relationship to be the same as you want it to be.

It's not about grand statements like 'He's not ready for a relationship'. Many people are ready, willing and able to have relationships but don't want to live together. This is about preferences. And ultimately, the two of you are unwilling to be flexible in order to afford a happy relationship. So, learn to compromise, split up, or have an unhappy relationship. Those are your options.

[QueenCamilla]

His style of commitment would suit me perfectly - I own my own house and doubt I'll ever feel like co-habiting with anyone.

Two nights together is the max I wish to handle.

You are not compatible.

[Pinkbottletop]

@Watchkeys

I feel like the relationship is done. I feel like someone who has no intention of living with me and still wants his own freedom and space isn't ready for a relationship

He wants a relationship with you. He just doesn't want the relationship to be the same as you want it to be.

It's not about grand statements like 'He's not ready for a relationship'. Many people are ready, willing and able to have relationships but don't want to live together. This is about preferences. And ultimately, the two of you are unwilling to be flexible in order to afford a happy relationship. So, learn to compromise, split up, or have an unhappy relationship. Those are your options.

Wholeheartedly resonate with this. Thank you.

[roarfeckingroarr]

You haven't been together that long to be putting pressure on to live together, especially when you have a young child.

[KittyCatsby]

He likes you but does not want to commit to you. That is fine , it gives you the opportunity to decide what you want to do about it . Accept that he wants to see you once maybe twice a week and be ok with that .
Or change it by getting on with your life , without him .

[Passwordsffs]

@Pinkbottletop

Wholeheartedly resonate with this. Thank you.

I think Watchkeys should have her own advice column . Always talks sense and gets to the point so quickly !

[Sunshineandflipflops]

I’ve been with my dp for 3 years and am not ready to live together. I have 2 dc and I also like my own space and to do what I want to do without considering anyone else. That doesn’t mean I don’t love him, I just don’t want to live with him or any other adult at this point. If he tried to pressure me into it and couldn’t see things from my point of view, I would end the relationship.

[Batshittery]

You seem to be putting a lot of pressure on
Your son is very young and the relationship is relatively new. It's a huge step for your partner to take. I would give it more time or if it's a deal breaker move on