He doesn't want to move in

[Pinkbottletop]

DP and I have been together since January 2021. He has a flat he rents from his cousin. I live in a house with my pre schooler son. He has two daughters who live with their mum and who has never has overnight (because they don't like going to his bachelor pad). He lives about an hour away from me.

I have made it clear I'd like for us to live together. We've struggled with this concept for a while now. He met my son a year ago. They have a great bond. But ultimately, my DP likes his alone time. He prefers it. If he could only see me once a week, he would. We've argued around how little time he spends with me and he started to stay over more, but then any argument or disagreement and he'd leave and go back to his flat. He would give me some money towards food but nothing else, even though he was at mine half the week.

I found the constant uncertainty of him coming and going to be difficult. Was never sure if he was going to be staying or not. Sometimes he'd decide, last minute, he would stay at his flat because of trivial reasons like 'I want to get my hair cut in the morning' or 'I've got football practice late'. He seemed excited about the thought of going home. He wouldn't entertain the thought of finding a barber in my area. Or joining a local football team. He still travels to a different part of London (not where he even lives) to do those things because it's where he was raised and where his kids live.

It's confusing for my son who asks where he is when he's not at the house. His reasons for not wanting to move in are almost entirely 1 of 3:

1. It doesn't feel like his home
2. What happens if we break up? Where will he go?
3. To mitigate against point 2, he wants to keep his flat but doesn't have the money to fund two households...

In March, we agreed to sell my house and I'd buy a new one in my name, but that he would contribute towards the deposit and own a % of the property on the deeds. We both agreed perhaps he'd feel more comfortable in a house we both picked and he had financially contributed to. In June, after I'd accepted an offer on my house, he told me he wasn't comfortable anymore financially contributing. He gave no other reason except he still didn't feel ready to live together. We had a huge argument and this, plus the way he was in and out of my house without a care, led to me asking him to give back my key and take his things. I felt like he had his cake and was eating it too.

Since Jan he has made promises of living together by April, then by June, then before summer finishes that never seem to happen. Now I'm buying a bigger house on my own with no financial support from him and I'm really stressed out. The house is my dream house. It's beautiful. I can manage the monthly mortgage alone. We picked this house together. It'll be perfect for his kids to come and stay at too. It ticks every box. It's just the money upfront I'm struggling to come up with now he's withdrawn his offer.

I feel like the relationship is done. I feel like someone who has no intention of living with me and still wants his own freedom and space isn't ready for a relationship. He tells me we're still very early into a relationship and he has to build the trust I won't 'kick him out' before he moves in. Thoughts?

Noone is being unreasonable.

You both want different things and that okay.

If it isn't enough for you, you need to walk away.

OP I have had a conversation this week with my friend in exactly the same scenario but roles reversed in her case.
Her new partner of 18 months wants them to live together and she doesn't want to,they both have homes and 2 kids but his kids are younger.
She doesn't want to be a step parent and likes time on her own.
She does love him and things might change in the future but she has told him he needs to stop rushing things.
You need to accept the situation or end the relationship.

@Passwordsffs

Thank you, your post made me smile :)

I 100% agree with him, would never permanently live with another person, and would absolutely never ever get financially joined to another person.

I think I was in his shoes, I would be the person rethinking the relationship at this point.

this doesn’t mean he is not serious, why do her “wants” override his ?

He'd own a % of the equity.

DO NOT DO THIS! Why would you put yourself in the position of being tied up financially - having your actual HOME tied up financially - with a non-commital boyfriend? What are you thinking?? The minute he changes his mind and wants to cash out his share (which he will), you'll have to go into debt to repay him or sell your home.

Come on!

You want different things.
It's nothing to do with commitment or lack of it.
I'm totally committed to my partner and we've been together for over 6 years, but we don't live together, and don't plan to any time soon. If he wanted more from me I'd feel smothered.

Oh wow, you need your head checking for even considering moving a man in who you barely know, and who you argue with already, especially so, when you have a young child who should come first. Beside this, your pushing someone to do something they don't want to do. Seriously get a grip!

I don’t think either of you are unreasonable in that you want different things, but I’m more on his side. It seems like he met your son after only 7 months or so? And you wanted to move in together as soon as the relationship hit the year mark, or maybe you were talking about it even sooner? Personally I think that’s way too quick, especially when you both have kids, what do they feel about this?

My partner and I have no kids either between us or from previous relationships and in the honeymoon loved up stage we discussed the possibility of moving in together in our second year of dating. Then I freaked out and backtracked and realised that was way too soon and for me would be a one way ticket to stagnation. I still love him and want to be with him, I just find our independence and time apart keeps it fresh. It’s nothing to do with how committed or into you he is. People just have different needs.

Thank you for all of your suggestions. What's clear from this is how different people are. I for one couldn't accept some of the situations you describe in your replies about your relationships, and that's okay. We're all right for someone, aren't we.

Clearly DP and I are on completely different wavelengths. To me, it's when it feels right and for me moving in feels right. To him it doesn't. You've helped me see that he's not wrong and I'm not wrong. Some people moved in together after the first month and stayed together a long time. Others never live together. It's about what works for you. I definitely don't think I deserve comments about not putting my son first. My son has an amazing life and is very fortunate. Him meeting DP after 7 months or 17 months or 7 years is no one else's business but mine and not something I remember asking opinions on 😀

But you know what they say about opinions...

Really appreciate those who have been pragmatic and kind as opposed to keyboard warriors making unnecessarily snide remarks you'd never dare say in person. Have a lovely rest of your evening.

My son adores him and wishes he lived here 😊

But isn't that unfair on him (your son I mean) when your boyfriend is being so non committed? :-(

It's also even more pressure on your boyfriend to move in if he's not ready to

He sounds like he's very set in his ways.

And with the house, he's literally not invested in your future.

Having said that, it sounds like you started talking about him moving in quite early. 18 months is about when these discussions should start maybe- but now you've reached that, it doesn't sound like you're on the same page at all.

Your expectations for the future of a relationship are pretty standard BTW.

Yes, completely. Hence why I'm not happy and don't think we're going to work out. When he first met my son, DP didn't show any signs of not committing. We didn't see each other much because he hadn't met my son and I'm a single parent who works a lot. We took it slow up until November time when he started to come over more as my son started to ask for him. That's when it became apparent DP was quite happy with the arrangement that he'd only come on the nights my son was with grandparents.

If he could only see me once a week, he would

Well, that's it isn't it OP. You're looking for different things.

I thought so until this thread!

This is the time you need to step up and put your son's emotional well-being first.

You weren't to know. Now you do.

I agree. I've ended the relationship. DP thinks I've been rash, which is why I came on here for thoughts. It's not serving my expectations for a relationship and if I force him to move in, that's not fair on him. If I let him take his time getting ready, that's not fair on me and my son. Therefore, we are where we are.

To note, after this thread I had another chat with DP. He has asked for six more months. He also will help where he can with the new house in the theory that he'll also be living in it full time in 6 months. I don't know whether to believe him or not. He's done this to me before (given me a timeframe that he's not followed through on). It's likely the relationship is done.

@Pinkbottletop Most people are looking for a relationship with a future and increased levels of conventional demonstrations of commitment along the way (a relationship that's going somewhere.) Things like living together, engagement, marriage, children if they don't have them already etc.

This isn't to say people who don't want this are wrong, but I think most people want these things and would see what your partner wants as not enough for them to feel their relationship was going somewhere.

And his lack of wanting to invest in the new home, to me shows he's not invested in the relationship. Buy it if you personally want that home, though, as you say you really like it.

If I let him take his time getting ready, that's not fair on me and my son

He actually went backwards @Pinkbottletop - promised you commitment sometimes, then backed out of it. I had one like that- well done for finishing with him.

I wouldn't hold your breath on the '6 more months' announcement. The clock will be ticking now and he may still not be ready in 6 months...then what? My partner and I have discussed moving in together but quite frankly I love my own space, I will never get entwined again with anything financial or mortgage related. But....I am totally committed to this relationship. I would hate to be put on the spot or dumped because I wont move in because he wants to now. My love and commitment to him is 100% regardless. You want very different things. And that is ok.

I wouldn't want to live with anyone either. It doesn't mean I'm not open to a serious relationship. But you've made your decision 🤷‍♂️

Everyone is different. There are no rules.

He's not wrong and neither are you. It just sounds like you're not right for each other.

My parents were engaged within a week of their first date, are now together 45 years, and still hold hands.

Me and DH have been together 10 years, and only got married 6 months ago.

Marriage/living together isn't always the be all and end all for love and relationships. You can love each other and want to be together, but know that now isn't the right time.

Don't do it to yourself, and your son.

Most people can't wait to move in with their partners. Yes, if there are practical/logistical reasons why this needs to wait then so be it. But it doesn't sound like that here.

It just sounds like he isn't ready to commit. If you were single and childless, you could do what you want.

But you have a child who is invested in this situation. So for his sake, you need to move on and aim for someone who wants what you do.

The best advice I'll be giving my children about relationships when they're older is to wait for a relationship that's easy. You get along well, want the same things and you move together in harmony. Relationships take work in the long run, but at 18 months you should still be in the honeymoon, can't bear to be away from each other, phase. Not trying to force your partner to want what you want.

All the best - you've done the right thing.