He doesn't want to move in

[Pinkbottletop]

DP and I have been together since January 2021. He has a flat he rents from his cousin. I live in a house with my pre schooler son. He has two daughters who live with their mum and who has never has overnight (because they don't like going to his bachelor pad). He lives about an hour away from me.

I have made it clear I'd like for us to live together. We've struggled with this concept for a while now. He met my son a year ago. They have a great bond. But ultimately, my DP likes his alone time. He prefers it. If he could only see me once a week, he would. We've argued around how little time he spends with me and he started to stay over more, but then any argument or disagreement and he'd leave and go back to his flat. He would give me some money towards food but nothing else, even though he was at mine half the week.

I found the constant uncertainty of him coming and going to be difficult. Was never sure if he was going to be staying or not. Sometimes he'd decide, last minute, he would stay at his flat because of trivial reasons like 'I want to get my hair cut in the morning' or 'I've got football practice late'. He seemed excited about the thought of going home. He wouldn't entertain the thought of finding a barber in my area. Or joining a local football team. He still travels to a different part of London (not where he even lives) to do those things because it's where he was raised and where his kids live.

It's confusing for my son who asks where he is when he's not at the house. His reasons for not wanting to move in are almost entirely 1 of 3:

1. It doesn't feel like his home
2. What happens if we break up? Where will he go?
3. To mitigate against point 2, he wants to keep his flat but doesn't have the money to fund two households...

In March, we agreed to sell my house and I'd buy a new one in my name, but that he would contribute towards the deposit and own a % of the property on the deeds. We both agreed perhaps he'd feel more comfortable in a house we both picked and he had financially contributed to. In June, after I'd accepted an offer on my house, he told me he wasn't comfortable anymore financially contributing. He gave no other reason except he still didn't feel ready to live together. We had a huge argument and this, plus the way he was in and out of my house without a care, led to me asking him to give back my key and take his things. I felt like he had his cake and was eating it too.

Since Jan he has made promises of living together by April, then by June, then before summer finishes that never seem to happen. Now I'm buying a bigger house on my own with no financial support from him and I'm really stressed out. The house is my dream house. It's beautiful. I can manage the monthly mortgage alone. We picked this house together. It'll be perfect for his kids to come and stay at too. It ticks every box. It's just the money upfront I'm struggling to come up with now he's withdrawn his offer.

I feel like the relationship is done. I feel like someone who has no intention of living with me and still wants his own freedom and space isn't ready for a relationship. He tells me we're still very early into a relationship and he has to build the trust I won't 'kick him out' before he moves in. Thoughts?

I think you've done the right thing in ending the relationship and I would not entertain his request for another 6 months. Nothing will have changed in 6 months, he's just trying to buy some more time with you.

Fair enough if he isn't ready to move in etc and prefers a more casual relationship where you only see each other once or twice a week - that's an arrangement that many folk are looking for. However, he led you to believe he wanted more than that and wanted to live with you and even went through the charade of viewing houses with you and picking one for you to live in together only to then pull out. That's not acceptable. He has shown you that you can't trust his word and can't rely on him - don't allow him to get your hopes up and let you down again.

Because he has agreed to living together than backed out you will never feel secure if you stay together. Even if he moves in and says it's what he wants, you'll always be worried that he's not being truthful and that he will decide to back out of the agreement and the relationship. Then on top of that, if you've allowed him to contribute financially and own a percentage of the house while only you are responsible for the mortgage you could be in deep shit if he did back out. As another PP has advised, you'd need to give him his share somehow or sell your house to give him it.

Also the fact he hasn't tried to make his "bachelor pad" more appealing to his daughters so that they can stay over speaks volumes. This is a man with no interest in being tied down in any way. Not by his kids and not by a relationship. Put yourself and your son first and stick with your decision to end this relationship. There are lovely men out there who are looking for the same kind of relationship that you are but they'll pass you by if you allow this guy to keep leading you on.

It's done. It feels like you're effectively pressuring him to spend time with you, and no good relationship has that dynamic.
That said - I cannot lie - I'd probably be exactly the same as him in a relationship, as I like my space! Maybe I'd feel differently with 'the one' though.
Plus, I cannot get my head around the fact that he never has his children overnight. His ex must curse the very day she clapped eyes on him!

OP the very title of your thread shows that you are very clear sighted about his feelings but it is of e distressing to have to face up to it.
I have been involved in a frustrating relationship and only after a year can I see that there is nothing wrong with my bf wanting a different kind of relationship to to the kind that I want. You can’t control other people’s behaviour or feelings -of course people compromise to accommodate their partners but I realise now that the compromise has to be given freely not reluctantly.
M ExH did not want children and I did. We split up several times before we got married because our wants were incompatible. But ultimately he wanted me so over-ro see his own feelings and ultimately it c was always an unhappy marriage and although he loves the DC he has always resented me even though I did not demand that from him, I genuinely just walked away, not playing games to coerce him, and I wish I had been stronger in resisting a man who was not compatible in wants.

He wants to see you once a week. There's your answer. Sex once a week with no strings is what wants not to be over. Do not buy a house with any idea of it being ideal for when he and his kids come over. He seems very stuck in the mud and not very interesting. I think you had a lucky escape on the joint ownership front. Largely, owing a small proportion of a house is not much good and almost equally inconvenient for the person who owns the majority of the house. It means to get rid of him you'd really have to buy out his share.

He doesn’t want to live with you. Perfectly reasonable. He likes his freedom. Doesn’t seem to want to parent his own kids never mind yours.

I love my bf but don’t want to live with him. Maybe years down the line but as we’ve each got our own kids, it’s better to live apart and see each other when the kids are at their dad’s.

You really had your blinkers on OP. Any man who wouldn’t change his living arrangements to accommodate his biological children was never going to fit into your relationship ideals.

This relationship had no future because you were incompatible but it appears you didn’t want to accept that and instead you chose to listen to promises, you knew deep down he had no intention of keeping.

He told you what you wanted to hear because he knew you weren’t interested in his viewpoint. You were both at fault for not accepting that fundamentally, you wanted different things. Six months won’t change that.

He sounds like the more sensible one here. I think he likes you and wants a relationship but understandably isn't ready after only 18 months to give up his home and buy one together. No he should never have gone along with your plan but it does sound like you made it difficult for him to say no.

I have been with my dp for 4 years, 2 children each from previous marriages. We love eachother and are completely committed to the relationship long term. But we also both like our own space and time apart and I am not sure we will ever live together- at least not for a very long time. We usually spend 1-3 nights together a week.
There is nothing wrong with what your dp wants, it doesn’t have to mean a lack of love or commitment. However if it’s not what you want then you may just not be compatible. I do think though that 18 months is way too early to be buying house/ moving in together. If you really like him and want it to see if it can work I would advise backing off completely from living together for at least another year and see where things are then.

Are u usually so blind
he’s been telling you who he is ,for a long time ,I don’t usually pick up on things ,but was clear to me .
pull out of the house sale asap.
and stay where u are ,bills are going up ,don’t make life difficult for yourself
if you buy that house you will always think of him and his kids and wish they were there ,or u will be hoping he changes his mind all the time
you need a clean break

This.

I started a relationship at a similar time to you OP. I love him, but seeing him twice a week is plenty. After separating from ExH, I doubt I’ll ever want to live with another man.

Truthfully, I think my DP would like more time with me and would love to live with me and my DC, but I’ve been clear that’s not what I want. He chooses to be with me despite that difference. That’s the choice you have: remain in the relationship (as it is now) or end it. Changing him or his preferences isn’t one of your choices.

Too much , too soon. Although you have made your decision now anyway.

He is right about what would happen if you split, he would have to find somewhere else to live. If he is renting I presume he doesn't have the money to buy. Those saying he hasn't got a place his kids want to go to, unless he is minted, renting a house big enough to try to tempt kids to visit is mad, unless he has firm arrangements orders and the kids are made to visit, have you not seen rental prices??

Someone wanting their own freedom and space doesn't mean they aren't ready for a relationship. I would love a relationship - which to me means two people acknowledging, loving and committing to each other - but have no intention of giving up my space and freedom. I love living alone and seeing someone two nights per week and going on holiday a couple of times per year would suit me down to the ground. Stop forcing this man to be who he isn't.

it seems that you’ve given him 2 choices, to plan to live with you or not be in a relationship. However the present set up works well for him, having his own space and seeing you weekly. Could you be happy with this arrangement?

buying your dream house was jumping the gun. You knew he had doubts but pushed ahead. I suggest looking for a lodger

I don't live with my DP of 4 years and never will. Luckily it's not something either of us want.

You aren't compatible OP

You really had your blinkers on OP. Any man who wouldn’t change his living arrangements to accommodate his biological children was never going to fit into your relationship ideals.

100% this.

My partner of 7 years isn't ready to live together yet either, I've just learnt to accept it and not pressure him into doing something he doesn't want to. Living apart isn't all that bad I've decided

I'd be bloody furious if he said he'd contribute to the deposit, choose a bigger house with you and then back out! What a position to leave you in.

He's not a manchild. How absurd.

Agree. The timeline seems extremely rushed, especially with young children involved. Thee son should barely have met the boyfriend, let alone be pining for him.

I don't think there is anything wrong with his position on this.

Giving up the security of his home is a massive ask. Especially when you have only been together for 18 months, you have a child and the rest of his life is an hour away. That would mean a massive change for him.

He's likely also to be considering your son. Taking on another person's child is a huge responsibility and commitment. He might be working if he's ready to be a full time dad, if he's willing able to commit to raising him, if he wants to deal with the next 15 years of being restricted by his education. That's not selfish. Those are exactly the thought processes good people have before having children. And I wouldn't have wanted that either which was why I waited and have only dated men who had no/didn't want children or whose children were older teens/adults themselves.

He hasn't led you on by viewing houses with you. It sounds as though he's being railroaded a little into doing something he really didn't want to do and has said he didn't want to do but you haven't listened to him because of what you want to do. It's hard to resist that pressure when you've tried and it's failed.

He isn't in the wrong. I would have been very wary of someone who wanted to move in with me with their young child after such a short amount of time. And you should be considering your child too.

If I'm honest, I'd see more red flags in your approach to this than his. The last minute decisions on staying over aren't great but it sounds to me that he desperately wants to retain some independence within the relationship and you want to become a family unit. There is nothing wrong with him wanting to go to his own barbers for example. I've been with my boyfriend for a year. I'm nowhere near ready to have him move in with me and have him give up the stability amd security of his home. It hasn't been anywhere near long enough yet! And he also goes to his own barbers. It hadn't occurred to me that he would go to the one at the end of my road...

He is happy with the relationship as it is and you want it to be different. Why is it so important to you that he lives with you?

I agree. What a ridiculous thing to say!

He's an independent adult who has a life outside of the OP and maybe he just isn't ready, after 18 months, to be completely assimilated into her life.

That makes him sensible not a manchild!

I'm thinking of a friend of mine who wanted very similar in a similar situation and within a similar time frame.

Houses were viewed, finances were considered, her house went on the market... sometimes he made the right noises because he loved her and wanted her to be happy and he didn't want to have the constant discussions about it. And he tried talking himself around to it being what he wanted to. But mostly he told her he wasn't ready and that he didn't want to move. She made case after case for it being better for him and just what he wanted and pointed out the benefits to both of them (and she wasn't wrong either on paper) but she just wouldn't consider that it wasn't right for him.

I'd been with them both when they talked about it. He was telling her it wasn't what he wanted but she didn't hear it because it wasn't what she wanted to hear. He desperately tried to talk himself into it being what he wanted too but, ultimately, it just wasn't. It was no surprise to any of us when he literally just disappeared one day.

She was utterly stunned and yet, he had been telling her all along both in words and actions that it wasn't what he was ready for at that time.

If she'd just sat back and enjoyed the relationship for another 12 months, who knows, it could all have been so different.

Totally agree with this.

I wonder all those posters who say that their male partners are genuinely happy with the living apart together model. Could it be a case of inertia, fear of having to start all over again, the OLD bullshit, don't want to be single and alone again, rather than truly accepting the status quo when in reality they actually want a completely different set up to the one being offered?

I don't think he wants to be a family man. He even lives somewhere that his children don't feel welcome, so why would he want anyone else's child around?