He doesn't want to move in

[Pinkbottletop]

DP and I have been together since January 2021. He has a flat he rents from his cousin. I live in a house with my pre schooler son. He has two daughters who live with their mum and who has never has overnight (because they don't like going to his bachelor pad). He lives about an hour away from me.

I have made it clear I'd like for us to live together. We've struggled with this concept for a while now. He met my son a year ago. They have a great bond. But ultimately, my DP likes his alone time. He prefers it. If he could only see me once a week, he would. We've argued around how little time he spends with me and he started to stay over more, but then any argument or disagreement and he'd leave and go back to his flat. He would give me some money towards food but nothing else, even though he was at mine half the week.

I found the constant uncertainty of him coming and going to be difficult. Was never sure if he was going to be staying or not. Sometimes he'd decide, last minute, he would stay at his flat because of trivial reasons like 'I want to get my hair cut in the morning' or 'I've got football practice late'. He seemed excited about the thought of going home. He wouldn't entertain the thought of finding a barber in my area. Or joining a local football team. He still travels to a different part of London (not where he even lives) to do those things because it's where he was raised and where his kids live.

It's confusing for my son who asks where he is when he's not at the house. His reasons for not wanting to move in are almost entirely 1 of 3:

1. It doesn't feel like his home
2. What happens if we break up? Where will he go?
3. To mitigate against point 2, he wants to keep his flat but doesn't have the money to fund two households...

In March, we agreed to sell my house and I'd buy a new one in my name, but that he would contribute towards the deposit and own a % of the property on the deeds. We both agreed perhaps he'd feel more comfortable in a house we both picked and he had financially contributed to. In June, after I'd accepted an offer on my house, he told me he wasn't comfortable anymore financially contributing. He gave no other reason except he still didn't feel ready to live together. We had a huge argument and this, plus the way he was in and out of my house without a care, led to me asking him to give back my key and take his things. I felt like he had his cake and was eating it too.

Since Jan he has made promises of living together by April, then by June, then before summer finishes that never seem to happen. Now I'm buying a bigger house on my own with no financial support from him and I'm really stressed out. The house is my dream house. It's beautiful. I can manage the monthly mortgage alone. We picked this house together. It'll be perfect for his kids to come and stay at too. It ticks every box. It's just the money upfront I'm struggling to come up with now he's withdrawn his offer.

I feel like the relationship is done. I feel like someone who has no intention of living with me and still wants his own freedom and space isn't ready for a relationship. He tells me we're still very early into a relationship and he has to build the trust I won't 'kick him out' before he moves in. Thoughts?

Yes but that only works when BOTH people actively want to live apart. That's not OPs situation.

The relationship escalator.

A lot of people only do the ride once.

@Northernsoullover 😂

As much as I love and adore my DH, sometimes I wish we just lived next door to each other, with adjoining bedroom doors, but separate bathrooms and kitchens.

But we've had several such conversations about this and we'd both fight for custody of the cats.

@ArcticSkewer Yes I'd done a bit of that and didn't want it again at all, loved my own space to myself etc.

Catholic now though so it's either marriage or single for life 🤣

You're pushing for the relationship you want. He's been clear he wants different things. Either you accept seeing him once a week, or move on to find a new relationship.

To be honest he’s doing you a favour. It is monumentally hard to get someone off a mortgage if they’re named on it, so if you’re fronting all of the equity for the deposit and can afford the mortgage repayments alone then do that and don’t let him move in. This actually gives you and your son the most security possible.

fwiw I am a single parent and my partner is too. I intend to buy a property with my partner in the future (2 years in and in no rush but both absolutely on the same page about it), but would not recommend doing so in such a rocky relationship that really doesn’t seem it will last.

He doesn't want a family. He doesn't even want his own children round his gaff enough to make it inviting to them.

I agree with others. You need to accept he likes you enough for the sex and occasional companionship but otherwise not enough to change his life.

you are putting a Ton of pressure on a relatively new relationship. You both have children. Blending families is incredibly complicated. Have you even trialed having all of the children together for any length of time? Also, why are you so anxious to be moving in with a man who can’t even be bothered to have his own children over night regularly.? That should be a giant red flag.

I would accept any help from him.

Whilst I think you seemed rushed to move things to the next level, he is giving you clear signals that he is not committed. I’m not sure you’re thinking this through.
You say he would prefer seeing you 1 day a week- which is not what you want. He’s making promises so you stay around.
OP, it feels awful to be in a relationship with someone who always has one eye on the door- why put yourself through that?

Are you looking for a father figure for your child? Your boyfriend doesn’t have his own children over- that speaks volumes. Them not liking the bachelor pad is a thin excuse at best. He is a FATHER, he should rent something appropriate for HIS children.

This man is not a keeper

I would NOT* accept help from him

Walk away now and don't look back xxx

I can't believe you sold your house to buy another with a man who won't commit or contribute.

Do not put this (or any other) man on the deeds for your new property or allow him to own a % of it. Your priority should be yours and your son's security, not pandering to this man who clearly has no interest in giving up his single lifestyle.

This. Absolutely this. He wont even get a home suitable for his own kids.

I absolutely agree that after you have done this once, lots of people will be very very reticent about giving up personal space and would never financially entangle their finances again.

I think the entire Most people are looking for a relationship with a future and increased levels of conventional demonstrations of commitment along the way (a relationship that's going somewhere.) Things like living together, engagement, marriage, children if they don't have them already etc.

is some really old fashioned thinking and a lot a people will never get married these days and lots will never cohabitate more than once in their life

He has two daughters who live with their mum and who has never has overnight (because they don't like going to his bachelor pad).

So his solution to his own kids being uncomfortable in his home is to just never have them overnight, rather than trying to make his home one they feel welcome and comfortable in, one that is child friendly and fun rather than a bachelor pad?

Ugh, he's a lazy dad. So unattractive.

Ugh, he's a lazy dad. So unattractive

That's such a turn off for me too.

It is what it is OP -
He has told you what he is capable of giving you
He has showed you with his actions too

There is no real further guessing here

Its not what you want
It does not match with you
Its done

You’ve only been together for a year and a half. Why are you so desperate to ‘move in’ and foist him on your son?

I think you need to take a step back.

He doesn't want to be with you.

You wouldn't need to fight for custody, just install a cat flap in the dividing wall!

He's happiest when he only see if she wants a week. Why would you think a live in relationship would work with him?

I think the entire Most people are looking for a relationship with a future and increased levels of conventional demonstrations of commitment along the way (a relationship that's going somewhere.) Things like living together, engagement, marriage, children if they don't have them already etc.

is some really old fashioned thinking and a lot a people will never get married these days and lots will never cohabitate more than once in their life

Most people start out life wanting that romantic partner for life.

Then it doesn't pan out smoothly and a lot of us become cynical. But that doesn't mean it isn't what most of us wanted earlier in our lives (and many still want, ideally.)

OP is not abnormal, I think what she wants is normal/not uncommon, but maybe she tried to move a bit fast. And this guy is not the (conventional benchmarks of) commitment type by the looks of it.

Way to soon to move in together, especially when you both have kids.
You are pushing him. Unreasonably.
He is resisting. Whether he is being reasonable as it's too soon, or if he has some sort of aversion to commitment etc i dont know.
I hate to say it OP but he doesnt seem that into you. Try not to take it personally - but I'd move on if i were you. And not force a relationship on people in future

I've had to accept broken promises and constant push backs to what I want, and then have to accept what he wants.

Do you even get that a relationship is about compromise op?

You're pushing and pushing I can sense it just here.

Plus personally I think it's WAY too soon with children involved 18 months is NOTHING.

Why did your relationship with your child's father end?

Have you met his children yet? Would moving in with you increase the distance he is from where they live?