He doesn't want to move in

[Pinkbottletop]

DP and I have been together since January 2021. He has a flat he rents from his cousin. I live in a house with my pre schooler son. He has two daughters who live with their mum and who has never has overnight (because they don't like going to his bachelor pad). He lives about an hour away from me.

I have made it clear I'd like for us to live together. We've struggled with this concept for a while now. He met my son a year ago. They have a great bond. But ultimately, my DP likes his alone time. He prefers it. If he could only see me once a week, he would. We've argued around how little time he spends with me and he started to stay over more, but then any argument or disagreement and he'd leave and go back to his flat. He would give me some money towards food but nothing else, even though he was at mine half the week.

I found the constant uncertainty of him coming and going to be difficult. Was never sure if he was going to be staying or not. Sometimes he'd decide, last minute, he would stay at his flat because of trivial reasons like 'I want to get my hair cut in the morning' or 'I've got football practice late'. He seemed excited about the thought of going home. He wouldn't entertain the thought of finding a barber in my area. Or joining a local football team. He still travels to a different part of London (not where he even lives) to do those things because it's where he was raised and where his kids live.

It's confusing for my son who asks where he is when he's not at the house. His reasons for not wanting to move in are almost entirely 1 of 3:

1. It doesn't feel like his home
2. What happens if we break up? Where will he go?
3. To mitigate against point 2, he wants to keep his flat but doesn't have the money to fund two households...

In March, we agreed to sell my house and I'd buy a new one in my name, but that he would contribute towards the deposit and own a % of the property on the deeds. We both agreed perhaps he'd feel more comfortable in a house we both picked and he had financially contributed to. In June, after I'd accepted an offer on my house, he told me he wasn't comfortable anymore financially contributing. He gave no other reason except he still didn't feel ready to live together. We had a huge argument and this, plus the way he was in and out of my house without a care, led to me asking him to give back my key and take his things. I felt like he had his cake and was eating it too.

Since Jan he has made promises of living together by April, then by June, then before summer finishes that never seem to happen. Now I'm buying a bigger house on my own with no financial support from him and I'm really stressed out. The house is my dream house. It's beautiful. I can manage the monthly mortgage alone. We picked this house together. It'll be perfect for his kids to come and stay at too. It ticks every box. It's just the money upfront I'm struggling to come up with now he's withdrawn his offer.

I feel like the relationship is done. I feel like someone who has no intention of living with me and still wants his own freedom and space isn't ready for a relationship. He tells me we're still very early into a relationship and he has to build the trust I won't 'kick him out' before he moves in. Thoughts?

I've read your post about 5 times now and I'm not clear exactly what you're suggesting or asking!

Are you suggesting that the men want to co-habit really or don't want to be in a relationship at all? Something else?

If he doesn't want his own children overnight, he's not going t

Sorry, if he doesn't want his own children overnight, he's hardly going to want to live with your DC full time.

Just that perhaps a lot of these partners who have supposedly agreed to 'together but living apart' model where the women have specifically said that they do not want to cohabit for a long time or ever, and the men are apparently 'supportive' of their decision and going along with it (compromising), I'm just questioning whether there is underlying resentment not presented here on MN and the reality is that these men aren't really happy with the not living together ever scenarios but are pretending to do as the alternative is to be single, alone and back on the OLD shit pile.

Ah, I see. Tbh, it's on them really isn't it say whether they're happy with it or not? Same as for women. If you go along with a situation you're not happy with, then that's the choice you are making. No one is a mind reader.

I have single male friends in their 50s who would love to be in a relationship, living with someone, life partner commitment etc, and not because they're looking for someone to look after them or whatever, because they are quite capable of looking after themselves, but from the whole romance perspective.

I know others who having been burned in the past, would really rather not go through that upheaval etc and are so used to living alone that they would find it really hard to have someone else round all the time.

My boyfriend is 58. He has mentioned us living together at some point but neither of us is in a rush to do so. We'd both want to be as sure as we could be that, if we do it, that's it - forever.

So, I suspect that there are some men who are genuinely happy with it, some who would rather it were different, some who maybe want it but not just yet and some who are prepared to compromise on it.

Presumably, they are all adults though and so the responsibility for making their needs and wants explicit and getting them met lies with them. And maybe there are some who are willing to compromise on it for the sake of continuing the relationship.

Your post makes it sound as though you think the women are a little unreasonable for not considering what the man wants, as though maybe they shouldn't be prioritising their own needs in this way? All relationships require compromise. If they are willing to compromise on this point, that's their choice to make.

Gosh OP, you're being ripped to shreds here. I don't think that what you want is unreasonable, but it sounds like you both have different priorities and wishes regarding you relationship and you don't sound compatable in that.

What is it about living apart that bothers you… is part of it a trust issue?

Totally agree with this, he is thinking about is own needs and not being rushed into something he clearly not sure about, sounds like sensible bloke

Really? She has a pre-school child and has been trying to persuade a man she has been dating for 18 months to buy a house and move in with her for at least the last 4 months.

There's nothing about that which raises alarm bells for you?

He wants a regular affectionate shag, he doesn’t want a life partner or to become a father to your child.

Up to you if you can accept that. I couldn’t. You shouldn’t have to beg your partner to spend time with you! They should want to!

Would you want to take in that responsibility? After 18 months?

I wouldn't!

And it's OK if he doesn't. There is a huge grey area between 'regular affectionate shag" and wanting to be a life partner/take on the responsibility for another person's child! After 18 months...

Honestly, some of these responses are ridiculous.