DP said I was abusing him when I reacted to this behaviour

[Louyt]

I can’t get my head around it. I know my reactions WERE abusive objectively but I feel like his own behaviour is now overlooked and I’m made to feel guilty for being pushed to breaking point. We found out I was pregnant around 8 weeks ago which was a surprise as we had been using condoms. However at new year we had both said we’d ttc this year at some point and he was happy when we found out…More so than me as I was quite shocked and scared though wanted the baby.

Two weeks go by and suddenly he’s asking me ‘what I did’ to the condom. Not exactly being nasty but clearly suspicious of me and frowning and being cold. I answer him and talk about it, obviously saying I have no idea how it happened just like he doesn’t. He would then randomly bring it up at tomes which was v upsetting and confusing, to the point where I (wrongly) ended up asking him to leave for a while as I was not able to cope emotionally with the sudden questions all the time. He’s said this was completely out of order and how dare I have made that demand.

He seemed to move past it but then became generally accusatory alongside drinking increased amounts. Asked me once if I had been in his wallet - I hadn’t. Had I opened his post - I hadn’t. I was really really insulted and stressed by this and shouted at him, swore and said i was sick of him putting me through this for no reason. When I worked away a couple of nights both evenings he had got himself too drunk to talk so had to put the phone down. Two days I didn’t actually hear from him at all as he was so drunk he didn’t have his phone even during the day. Again I was v upset with him and in his worlds verbally abusive. He forgot the first scan and was pretty much silent all the way to it, made me feel really awkward and uncomfortable in the car. We had a huge row on the way back as he again was barely speaking and didn’t say why when I asked - embarrassed to say I threw my sandwich on the footwell!

Im not saying I’m usually some angel but I’ve never felt so distressed/confused/alone before and it’s made me feel genuinely out of character. I know that these things are abusive so he’s right about that. I’ve apologised for them but feel he takes no responsibility at all for his side and I’m left feeling absolutely dreadful that I’ve done these things and called him names… which has apparently made him feel he’s done nothing wrong.

i know people will this this is simply toxic and just leave but it’s more than that for me. I feel horrendously guilty now that this is all my fault, that I am awful and actually he’s done nothing wrong really in comparison to me at least. I have a terrible guilt complex at the best of times and I am beating myself up despite feeling so sure he was in the wrong initially. I feel so confused.

He’s being horrible to you. Has he shown any abusive signs before? A lot of times abusive behaviour becomes more apparent and starts happening once someone is pregnant.

also I will say that if this is out of character for him and a reaction to the idea he feels like you tricked him in some way (going off your comments about what did you do the condoms etc) its possible it won’t get better when the baby is here. It’s likely he’ll still harbour suspicions and the guilt you feel will be magnified so you’ll end up in a vicious cycle of him making you feel awful and you feeling guilty so trying to make up for it. Most likely by taking on all the responsibility for the baby because deep down your worry he won’t want to do anything because he didn’t want baby at that time. It’s a horrible way to live your life

@Narcheska i just don’t get it as we used condoms which clearly he was aware of. He was also positive about the baby and planning to ttc.

He has been quite selfish/emotionally immature in the past but I wouldn’t say abusive. He’s not young so it’s not that.

He doesn’t consider what he’s done abusive either, he says it’s the other way around. Which I can’t deny as I did lose my cool and get very upset, disproportionately so. Who wants to be shouted and sworn at… I was in the wrong there for sure. I always blame myself for things and feel confused now as I was sure he was treating me badly but all I feel now is waves of guilt about how I reacted.

He's being absolutely vile at a time when any decent partner would be going into overdrive in terms of wanting to protect you, reassure you and support you. You were not being abusive - you were responding to his abusive behaviour.

I know this is hard but you have some very serious thinking to do about your future. If he is being like this at this stage you can reasonably assume you are in for a life of misery if you stay together and have this baby. If it comes to it, are you prepared to raise this child on your own and do you have the strength to kick him to the kerb if that's what you need to do?

He isn’t a supportive kind partner - If you’re planning to keep the baby then plan on being a single parent because he’s not the one

@EverythingHeadinSouth i agree he wasn’t nice but I was abusive wasn’t I? Just as a fact he’s right it’s abusive to swear and shout and tell him to stay with a friend. It was abusive to throw my sandwich across the car. I feel SO ashamed.

He definitely feels my reactions outweigh any of his behaviour and so I’m left feeling overwhelmed with guilt.

im 36 so didn’t want a termination. I could manage alone just about but not exactly what I planned.

Classic DAVRO and a man becoming abusive during pregnancy. Seek outside support from Women’s Aid.

I don't think you sound abusive. I think he does. And it's quite a classic way for abusers to deflect from their own behaviour by accusing others.
Unfortunately pregnancy can be a trigger for some men to show their true colours. What was his upbringing like? What are his parents like?
Sometimes people start to repeat their parents' behaviour/attitudes particularly as they move to becoming parents themselves.

No you weren’t abusive. Ok you lost your cool but he was winding you up to the point you would lose your cool. I was in an emotional and financially abusive relationship with my ds1 dad and he would often push me as far as he could to make me upset or cross but maintain his “cool” then make me feel like it was my fault. He’d also gaslight me. I’d know something had happened but he’d claim it hadn’t and many other situations until by the end I was questioning my own sanity

please consider what you do next carefully. He is not the kind of partner you need if he’s treating you this way. He’s already starting the abusive behaviours

I don’t know if what he was doing was abusive though @YellowPlumbob at least not in comparison to me. I just feel so bad.

Last night he got in and was quiet and moody and said something under his breath so I asked what, really calmly, and he didn’t answer. Tried to make a nice evening with dinner etc and he barely spoke. I just feel like I’m at rock bottom.

I was exactly the same I'm my marriage, pushed to breaking. Google reactive abuse. Oh and it doesn't get better, easier to cut this one loose now and enjoy your baby. Congratulations!

Wow.

He's done a number on you hasn't he?

You didn't wrongly ask him to leave when he was making accusations about the contraception failure being your fault. He was being abusive at that point and I suspect has been before and this is the first time you noticed it.

It takes 2 to have sex and contraception isn't 100% effective.

Right now it seems like he's emotionally abusing you using some gaslighting techniques. You are blaming yourself for his emotions and his reactions because he's saying they are your fault.

But he is responsible for his behaviour. Not you, not your pregnant y not anything else. HIM.

I think you'd be much happier ending it for good. Forget the "how dare you make me leave" bollocks. You're making him leave because otherwise you'll spend the rest of yours and your babies life feeling guilty for having an opinion or thought process and being blamed for things you cannot control individually.

Agree he was being vile. I don't see you throwing a sandwich in the footwell as abuse. His actions on the other hand.... As others have said, speak to Women's Aid because it won't get better. He is gaslighting and blaming you. Please stop this now. Good luck

You were not being abusive - you were responding to his abusive behaviour.

This. Getting angry, shouting, etc. does not in and of it’s make you abusive. Often - like here - it’s a totally valid response to someone else being a twat.

@bluejelly @Narcheska thanks for the support I just can’t help feeling my own actions have been abusive too. I did do those things and they were aggressive and unkind. I did feel driven to it but that’s no excuse and I know that.

he is quite a sensitive man and I probably should have been more careful what I was saying and how mean I was… swearing like crazy and telling him to leave etc is objectively quite controlling of me. I just didn’t know what to do I was so sad.

as for his upbringing it was dysfunctional. I am his first relationship, he’s 38. But he always spoke positively about being a dad.

Just to add - I’m sorry you’re going through this.

I know it’ll feel daunting when you’re pregnant but I hope you feel strong enough to end this relationship. It won’t get better.

@itsgettingweird the most frustrating thing is that when he questioned me it would be calm…

so no swearing no raised voice. I don’t even think he was intentionally trying to play a game and be ‘calm’ I think he was genuinely asking me. He’s not a manipulative person I don’t think. But I wear my heart on my sleeve and was so taken aback by it all that I just lost it. I am responsible for that and wish so much that I had just calmly answered him and told him it was unacceptable and gone to a friend’s myself. I lost all my dignity by being a crying shouting mess, hurling abuse at him in response to his ‘calm questioning.

he is calm all the time too. Even when distant he won’t snap. I will ask why he is quiet and he either won’t answer or hair brushes it off. I find it so hard.

He's doing a classic abuser's number on you - stop falling for it. As I said before he's is being absolutely vile, repeatedly, at a time when he should be the exact opposite. The fact that you are so willing to accept his version makes me wonder why your self-esteem is so low. I suspect this is not the first time he's shown his nasty side and I'd bet a pound to a penny he's been wearing you down throughout the course of your relationship, because that's invariably how the story goes.

To your point, your actions may have been abusive in the dictionary sense but they were in reaction to him and in most reasonable persons' eyes justifiable. Isolated incidences of reactive shouting, swearing etc may be verbally abusive but that does not mean you are an abuser. Real destructive emotional abuse is ongoing and persistent, albeit with occasional periods of being extra nice to reel the victim back in. There is no doubt in my mind who is the victim of emotional abuse here and it is not him.

@Igmum he said throwing things round the car (the sandwich) was abusive and violent behaviour. I feel like if a man did it then people would agree too :( I am not proud of it.

he honestly never seemed the type or person to gaslight. But he has seemed to blame me and be suspicious about things that genuinely have broken me as I don’t know where they have come from. Literally never touched his wallet in my life!

OP, do you really want to bring a baby into this? Really? Would ending the pregnancy not be an option for you?

Because I can tell you, it doesn't get better. They then manipulate your DC when they're older. And it's subtle. And it's all very clever. Emotional abuse is hell. And it'll continue and continue. They're often very clever about it

There are worse things this man could do and you still wouldn't have the option to block him out of your life completely, as you have DC with him if you don't terminate pregnancy

Classic signs of gas lighting have started I see. Making you doubt yourself, making you seem like the agitator in these situations, playing himself off as the victim, you the abuser. Poor little fella has had a shit time of it in the past, feels a bit stressed about having a baby and is a bit paranoid you have obviously tampered with his condoms because you have previously spoken about TTC next year anyway..... his really spiteful behaviour isn't in question though.
If I was you, I'd tell him to do one. I'd enjoy my pregnancy and raise my baby. I know that's not how you pictured this going but abuse starts in pregnancy then gets worse. And YOU are not the one being abusive here. You're reacting to a situation he's creating. Lovely environment for a baby.

@EverythingHeadinSouth if that’s the definition of a real abuser then I feel sure I am not one which does make me feel a bit better. I wake up each day just wanting a nice time with him, asking what he wants for dinner, what he wants to do at the weekend, etc. I have no intention of being unkind to him ever. I wear my heart on my sleeve and have just felt utterly desperate.

Last time we went out at the weekend he sat in silence in the car all the way, no real explanation and I was so nervous I kept saying silly things about the view or local towns etc. I didn’t feel like me, I am usually a happy and positive person but I just wanted to try and make sure he was ok as he wasn’t speaking much. It’s been so hard. I don’t want to just walk away because of the baby but I can’t say I am happy.

he said throwing things round the car (the sandwich) was abusive and violent behaviour. I feel like if a man did it then people would agree too :( I am not proud of it.

Imo it's gaslighting to push someone and then use their reaction as a gotcha. So yes, you through a sandwich. Did the sandwich hurt anyone, did it smash and scare anyone? No, you threw it in frustration. He is not a victim and using this as an example of your 'abuse' is manipulative.

itsgettingweird the most frustrating thing is that when he questioned me it would be calm…

so no swearing no raised voice. I don’t even think he was intentionally trying to play a game and be ‘calm’ I think he was genuinely asking me. He’s not a manipulative person I don’t think. But I wear my heart on my sleeve and was so taken aback by it all that I just lost it. I am responsible for that and wish so much that I had just calmly answered him and told him it was unacceptable and gone to a friend’s myself. I lost all my dignity by being a crying shouting mess, hurling abuse at him in response to his ‘calm questioning.

he is calm all the time too. Even when distant he won’t snap. I will ask why he is quiet and he either won’t answer or hair brushes it off. I find it so hard.

Absolute textbook behaviour from someone who is emotionally abusive.

It really doesn't matter HOW he said it. It's WHAT he's saying.

And the fact you absolutely seem to think you're the abusive one shows this isn't a new behaviour. He's chipped away at you for years.

Take it from people here who know and could only see it when we walked away.

@NoMoneyHun he has no relationship experience and I don’t see him as someone who would he abusive, not intentionally so. That’s what is so confusing. I don’t think it’s intentional at all, I just don’t think he copes well and doesn’t express himself well, can’t relax etc so it comes out in this horrible way. I’m not sure if that excuses it but I genuinely don’t think he is wanting to be abusive to me. He says he doesn’t think he is anyway.

I wish so much I hadn’t behaved as I had because I know I will beat myself up about this forever more.

I would urge you to have a read of the book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. You can get it on Amazon or there is a free copy online somewhere that someone might be able to post a link to. Please read it, as a matter of urgency. It could very possibly save you and your unborn child from a future of total misery.

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=sr_1_2?crid=1NEPJJNCGYNUT&keywords=why+does+he+do+that+lundy+bancroft&qid=1660202363&sprefix=why+does+he+do+%2Caps%2C84&sr=8-2