DP said I was abusing him when I reacted to this behaviour

[Louyt]

I can’t get my head around it. I know my reactions WERE abusive objectively but I feel like his own behaviour is now overlooked and I’m made to feel guilty for being pushed to breaking point. We found out I was pregnant around 8 weeks ago which was a surprise as we had been using condoms. However at new year we had both said we’d ttc this year at some point and he was happy when we found out…More so than me as I was quite shocked and scared though wanted the baby.

Two weeks go by and suddenly he’s asking me ‘what I did’ to the condom. Not exactly being nasty but clearly suspicious of me and frowning and being cold. I answer him and talk about it, obviously saying I have no idea how it happened just like he doesn’t. He would then randomly bring it up at tomes which was v upsetting and confusing, to the point where I (wrongly) ended up asking him to leave for a while as I was not able to cope emotionally with the sudden questions all the time. He’s said this was completely out of order and how dare I have made that demand.

He seemed to move past it but then became generally accusatory alongside drinking increased amounts. Asked me once if I had been in his wallet - I hadn’t. Had I opened his post - I hadn’t. I was really really insulted and stressed by this and shouted at him, swore and said i was sick of him putting me through this for no reason. When I worked away a couple of nights both evenings he had got himself too drunk to talk so had to put the phone down. Two days I didn’t actually hear from him at all as he was so drunk he didn’t have his phone even during the day. Again I was v upset with him and in his worlds verbally abusive. He forgot the first scan and was pretty much silent all the way to it, made me feel really awkward and uncomfortable in the car. We had a huge row on the way back as he again was barely speaking and didn’t say why when I asked - embarrassed to say I threw my sandwich on the footwell!

Im not saying I’m usually some angel but I’ve never felt so distressed/confused/alone before and it’s made me feel genuinely out of character. I know that these things are abusive so he’s right about that. I’ve apologised for them but feel he takes no responsibility at all for his side and I’m left feeling absolutely dreadful that I’ve done these things and called him names… which has apparently made him feel he’s done nothing wrong.

i know people will this this is simply toxic and just leave but it’s more than that for me. I feel horrendously guilty now that this is all my fault, that I am awful and actually he’s done nothing wrong really in comparison to me at least. I have a terrible guilt complex at the best of times and I am beating myself up despite feeling so sure he was in the wrong initially. I feel so confused.

You know more than anything I just feel devastated I made such a silly choice in man.

Please don't be hard on yourself or dwell on this. I did exactly the same and I was 50 at the time.

Ah Op, this is a tough one. It does sound like in theory the idea of having a baby was a possibility but the reality is different and scary for him. You say he’s controlled with his time and very focussed on his work etc. He may well feel you’ve taken control? If he’s very back and white in his thinking then it’s hard persuading someone to see shades of grey. You got pushed and reacted negatively and now he’s punishing you and withdrawing. The heavy drinking is not a great sign either.

This maybe a bit old fashioned but if you’re still willing to give him a chance to talk, try a letter. Accept you’ve both reacted negatively and ask if there’s a future for you both together as a family. If you’re still getting the same stonewalling, suspicions, accusations etc then it’s time to make plans for your future.

If you think it’s gone past this then it’s best to make plans for yourself and your baby.

Louyt I am so so sorry that you have found yourself in a relationship with an abusive person.

The fact that if you end it he will totally disappear tells you everything you need to know about his character. He actually sounds like a fucking monster from what you've described. Just because he's careful and controlled about his abuse doesn't mean it isn't abuse.

I hope you find the strength and help you need to get away from this man. Xx

I once got so enraged in an argument that I threw yoghurt across the kitchen. It happens. So long as it can't cause harm I don't think it's a big deal - you're pregnant and threw a sandwich after being accused of vile things. You didn't even throw it at him...

In a healthy relationship the silly throwing would have caused you both to laugh and broken the tension, but instead he acted browbeaten and cleaned it silently like you'd purposefully done it to harm him. He's twisting everything into him being a victim. He could have just asked you to clean it and you'd have felt far better about it.

Throwing things is never a good thing, but chucking a sandwich into a footwell and getting mayo on the floor is seriously not a big crime. Let that one go.

Do read the Lundy Bancroft book mentioned... There's a portrait of a calm abuser who you might recognise.

I was just going to suggest this. Here it is - free pdf:

www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

This stress is not good for you and the baby!

Tell him to behave himself or bugger off!

You were not abusive, he is being a clown! (A very unfunny one albeit) You don't need this whilst pregnant.

Reactive abuse is a real problem - and knowing how to manipulate you so you react and are easily positioned as the perpetrator is a very common tactic employed by abusers. They are cunning at disguising their abuse of you, manipulating you to get reactions, and then presenting themselves to the world as victims.

breakthesilencedv.org/reactive-abuse-what-it-is-and-why-abusers-rely-on-it/

Yes, I found it very helpful when I discovered the term “primary aggressor”. The word abuse can be flung around to describe any non-ideal behaviour and the reality is that in an abusive relationship, the victim often behaves in ways that are not ideal, which makes it seem like they are “just as much to blame”.

Primary aggression is any behaviour that is control or power-oriented. So, a behaviour that aims
to limit another person’s options or safety or empowerment, that diminishes or devalues the other in some way instead of respecting them as an equal.

Men like this never get better, OP. They only get worse. The silent treatment, drinking, accusations, gaslighting... it all gets worse. And it will add up to a traumatic childhood for your child. Please ditch him. Your confidence and clarity will soon come back

I think he's the one that's done stuff wrong @Louyt , you haven't really. Asking him to leave when that's what you feel is what you need isn't bad.

OP you have done nothing wrong. He is an absolute cunt and you should tell everyone how he is behaving. He is a vile partner and would make a terrible father. He has let the mask slip and you will not get back the man you thought he was. If you keep this arsehole around he could sneakily teach your child to abuse you too. Get rid of him asap. I repeat. He is a cunt.

Honey, you need to escape him now. Move out. Let him go back to single life. If you stay you’ll eventually hate yourself.

You weren't abusive. He's an arsehole. Deffo agree with the DARVO comment.

He doesn't want a baby. Prepare to be a single parent.

I know. I've been reading all the other posts too and found many comments that resonate with me so think that will likely be the same for you. I hope so.

Especially your concern about your reactions and you being the abusive one. I think @SudocremOnEverything's post is spot on. And many others too.

I hope you do feel able to share what is happening with your friend. But maybe also bear in mind that your friend might not have experienced anything like you are going through or little knowledge of abuse.

It is a possibility your friend might minimise his actions; if they've met him and only seen best behaviour. They may listen and assign 'blame' equally, being unaware of all the dynamics of your relationship. They may be like many of us and try to find the good in everyone, so that might be their first reaction.

You have been thinking up until now that you are the abusive one (because he has turned his own behaviours back on you). This may affect how you broach and word your disclosure and in turn that might lead your friend to think, wrongly, that you are part of the problem.

In short, be prepared just in case. Sometimes our friends need time to process it all. Don't be discouraged. My friend had to get her head around it but has been great.

(I haven't worded this well.)

Do you think there is a chance that he thinks you have had sex with someone else and ended up getting pregnant? Hence him being quiet and distant. The comment about going in his wallet may be deflection for him going through your things looking for evidence.

This kind of stuff is why counselling is so dangerous with someone who is abusing you. The ‘neutral’ counsellor can so easily be enlisted into the DARVO process, so that you not only aren’t able to recognise the abuse and protect yourself, you actually blame yourself, feel grateful he’s willing to give you another chance, and try to make amends.

Which is to say, if you want to explore anything in counselling here, do it individually and ideally with someone with experience of abusive relationships. Don’t even consider giving him the opportunity to enlist a counsellor to abuse you.

I would definitely think twice about going ahead with the pregnancy. Yes he might disappear but what if he doesn't, or what if he pops up in two years, or ten, or twenty? And whether he is never in your child's life or if he is regularly or irregularly, he's going to have an impact on the child. The child may inherit his traits. They may need counselling.

I love my DC but I've given them a very difficult life because of my choice of father.

Me too.
The reason I know that it actually wasn't me being the abusive one like he insisted was that in all the relationships before, and the ones after (including 18 years with DH) I've never acted that way ever.
I realised I wasn't acting abusively. I was reacting to abuse.

He would follow me around the house accusing me of things out of the blue, and I would try to explain or try to prove what he was saying. It often went on for hours at a time, and the conversation would drip in like a poison with a remark or an aside for months and months - until I finally blew and would shout tell him to fuck off if he didn't believe me. That was what he wanted - he always looked so smug and satisfied when I finally lost my shit - because that way, he could honestly say that he never swore or got angry or yelled. Only I did. Therefore I was the abusive one.

With DH, in the 18 years we've been together, I'd say we've had maybe 3 or 4 arguments where it's gotten heated. There's no eggshells. There's no tiptoeing around. There's no one-sided compromises or feeling that either of us need to to keep the peace, and we've done it through all of the most challenging times of our lives.

I felt, that because I was supposedly the abusive one, then the onus was on me to change and adapt to maintain the relationship and become responsible for fixing it. That's an abusers tactic also which I didn't know then. After that point, everything becomes your fault, you see.

Whether or not you feel you are abusive, he certainly shows abusive traits- so for both of your sakes - and the baby - you need to split. Visualise the life you want for the baby - a home filled with happiness and love and laughing. You can do that if you are away from him, but you'll never have that as long as you stay.

OP, have you considered the fact that he may have been the one to interfere with the condom? Men tricking women into pregnancy is more common than you might think.

You seem to want to find reasons to defend him, and to paint yourself as the abusive one.

You say he is sensitive, he is always calm, he would never hurt you intentionally.

But you also say he drinks too much, he gas lights you, he is treating you appallingly, he wasn't interested in your scan, he sulks, he ignores you, he won't discuss why he's sulking. Yet when you (understandably) respond in anger (after pleading and begging and trying to have a nice time with him) he calls YOU abusive. It's incredible, and crazy that you believe him.

He is 100% the abusive one. And part of his abuse is messing with your head and convincing you that you are the one in the wrong. Throwing a sandwich in the footwell is hardly abusive is it!

Please stop apologising to him - he is the one in the wrong. Stop asking him to be nice to you, stop pleading with him, stop questionning your own behaviour, stop rising to his abusive behaviour. And seek some legal advice about leaving him, preparing yourself to be a single parent. Being a single parent is 1000 better than trying to do it with an abusive partner. And so much kinder on your child. And seek all the help IRL you can. Be hones with people about what he's like.

Hi OP, hope you're okay and have had time to think about the argument, seek support from Mum and possibly reconsider your relationship. Hopefully a seed has been planted if not..