DP said I was abusing him when I reacted to this behaviour

[Louyt]

I can’t get my head around it. I know my reactions WERE abusive objectively but I feel like his own behaviour is now overlooked and I’m made to feel guilty for being pushed to breaking point. We found out I was pregnant around 8 weeks ago which was a surprise as we had been using condoms. However at new year we had both said we’d ttc this year at some point and he was happy when we found out…More so than me as I was quite shocked and scared though wanted the baby.

Two weeks go by and suddenly he’s asking me ‘what I did’ to the condom. Not exactly being nasty but clearly suspicious of me and frowning and being cold. I answer him and talk about it, obviously saying I have no idea how it happened just like he doesn’t. He would then randomly bring it up at tomes which was v upsetting and confusing, to the point where I (wrongly) ended up asking him to leave for a while as I was not able to cope emotionally with the sudden questions all the time. He’s said this was completely out of order and how dare I have made that demand.

He seemed to move past it but then became generally accusatory alongside drinking increased amounts. Asked me once if I had been in his wallet - I hadn’t. Had I opened his post - I hadn’t. I was really really insulted and stressed by this and shouted at him, swore and said i was sick of him putting me through this for no reason. When I worked away a couple of nights both evenings he had got himself too drunk to talk so had to put the phone down. Two days I didn’t actually hear from him at all as he was so drunk he didn’t have his phone even during the day. Again I was v upset with him and in his worlds verbally abusive. He forgot the first scan and was pretty much silent all the way to it, made me feel really awkward and uncomfortable in the car. We had a huge row on the way back as he again was barely speaking and didn’t say why when I asked - embarrassed to say I threw my sandwich on the footwell!

Im not saying I’m usually some angel but I’ve never felt so distressed/confused/alone before and it’s made me feel genuinely out of character. I know that these things are abusive so he’s right about that. I’ve apologised for them but feel he takes no responsibility at all for his side and I’m left feeling absolutely dreadful that I’ve done these things and called him names… which has apparently made him feel he’s done nothing wrong.

i know people will this this is simply toxic and just leave but it’s more than that for me. I feel horrendously guilty now that this is all my fault, that I am awful and actually he’s done nothing wrong really in comparison to me at least. I have a terrible guilt complex at the best of times and I am beating myself up despite feeling so sure he was in the wrong initially. I feel so confused.

I think it's a good thing he'd walk the other way if you leave him. Might not feel that way now but you'd have freedom.
My friend was like you OP. But also felt shame they'd be a single parent as believed it wasn't a good thing. Then her dp went to prison for financial fraud (so he looked good on paper working in an office etc when in reality he was still just a thief)
And she had no choice but to get on with things. 5 years later she had a long term relationship and her dc has a lovely relationship with new dp too. Good luck op but if everyone is saying the same thing, maybe you should take a step back and see if perhaps the scales have finally been lifted from your own eyes. Don't be fooled into thinking you'll be better off 'for the sake of the baby'
You won't be. And eventually your dc will suffer too either being a direct victim of the abuse or watching you be abused.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO

Have a read of this- his behaviour is absolutely text book abusive.

I would get out asap. Think about whether you want to continue the pregnancy as a single mum.

Thanks. I just don’t know where it’s all come from. My instinct is that he just feels overwhelmed with it all and doesn’t know how to cope hence the drinking more and withdrawing from me. I want to understand and for us to fix it but after he’s called me abusive I just despair because he clearly doesn’t understand how I felt in the middle of all these things.

OP - You are being gaslit!! What you have described here does not sound like abusive behaviour from you, the abusive behaviour is coming from HIM. He has been absolutely despicable in unjustly accusing you of things you haven't even done. If someone did that to me I would most likely shout and swear at them too - this is not a small thing he's accusing you of, it would be different if he accused you of leaving the lid off the milk bottle, but he is accusing you of a massive deception - because beneath it all he is finding himself scared of fatherhood now it is a real prospect and his first instinct is to blame and point the finger and take it all out on you, even though the reality is that he is equally responsible.

If I was treated as badly by my partner as you have been I'd probably be chucking sandwiches about in outrage as well. He's a pig, and the opposite of a man who will be a caring partner and responsible parent - his first instinct is to abuse you as soon as a bit of responsibility begins to loom.

@TreacheryPepper i haven’t actually, which thread are you referring to though? Just interested!

I wonder if standing back from recent events and the details which confuse the bigger picture …. Did you make each other happy? And work well together? Before the unexpected pregnancy?

if yes then I wonder if he is subconsciously feeling worried about impending fatherhood - might be worth exploring as the ‘out of control of my life’ feeling can continue for a long time with a young family and the responsibilities and care needs that brings. In fact this could be making you both a bit sensitive. What ever the truth is you need to find a way to resolve it because sleepless nights etc bring further strains and a collaborative open approach would help.

on the other hand newly pregnant is a common time for DA to start and the switching of perpetrator and victim is standing out here

@Magicpaintbrush what if he actually doesn’t see that he’s been abusive though? And it’s not intended? Does that not make it a bit different? I only say that as I do think deep down he would never set out to do these things. I’m honestly amazed by it all whenever I think about it, none of it seems like him. Never known him so cold and distant.

@Louyt are you the poster who threatened to make false reports to the police and your dps work about him, then harassed him by text?

How horrendous for you. I’m so very very sorry. I hope you get back to your old self and even better in no time. Hug.

OP, it’s possible to be with someone for a very long time and not be able to see them for who they truly are…

Make a list of pros and cons. Keep it in your phone. Add to it as new things come to you. This can be a long process and can help clarify your thoughts when he’s busy trying to confuse you in his favour.

He sounds exactly like my best friend’s husband, she was his first relationship as well in his 30s. He says he wants something, they both agree to do it, only when it happens he turns nasty, gets paranoid and starts accusing her of all sorts, says he doesn’t want it or never really wanted it or has changed his mind, starts drinking more and generally just blames her for everything including his awful behaviour, he’s got a major alcohol problem. They’ve been together 8 years and it’s got a lot worse during that time, tbh it got majorly worse when their baby was born. He’s become extremely lazy and spends most of his evenings getting drunk and refusing to do anything around the house or with their child.

She’s stuck in a cycle of thinking “once he gets his head around this (currently it’s an extension that he said he wanted and then suddenly changed his mind about after they’d already spent thousands and remortgaged) he will go back to normal and be nice again”, but then something else sets him off a few months later and he’s back at it again.

It’s abuse, whether he is doing this “intentionally” now he thinks you’re trapped or whether he is taking his anxiety about being a dad out on you, it is abuse, you are not his punching bag, things won’t get better, they will only get worse trust me. The more you tolerate this behaviour and try to placate him the more he will do it.

OP. You called him a cunt because he is a cunt. You know deep down that his behaviour is vindictive. And the way he reacts is more than a little sinister. I’d be concerned about raising a child with someone who gaslights and stonewalls you. He might appear calm but he’s pumping bad energy out and making you nervous and question yourself.

Perhaps suggest a break and see how you feel for a couple of months on your own. Take your mum along to appointments if he can’t be supportive. You might find that you’re less exhausted and better able to put positive energy into this pregnancy 💛

@DotDotaDash id say the only problem we had was he could be quite selfish with his own time, so very strict about time we could spend together, only able to have a week of holiday in summer, he is v focused on what he is doing rather than us as a couple. But we were happy yes, definitely wanted a future and family with him. I have felt shocked by the pregnancy and that’s made me more on edge generally I think.

OP, I urge you to have a read of this and see if it sounds familiar to you.

www.muchnessmama.com/profile-of-an-abuser-water-torturer/

@harriethoyle no! I haven’t seen that thread though?

yes you are definitely a kind person 🧡 we all have sympathy for you here, just as you would for your friend, but you would still be telling your friend to consider the reality of being a single parent with a man who is emotionally immature at best, abusive at worst. if he's like this under stress then you need to really think about how he will cope with parenting.. it really is very stressful! especially the first five years.

If this is how he copes with it then I'm sorry to say your child will have no better than him, having a stressed out mum trying to understand and fix a distant, mean alcoholic.. you should put that to him and if he is genuinely understanding and shocked at himself you should demand he goes into therapy alone and with you.. non negotiable.. anything less than that shows he isnt ready to be a parent and you will be doing this alone

He is being abusive to you and gaslighting you as well, it’s only natural that you react to his behaviour and he is trying to gaslight you into taking responsibility for his abuse. Please speak to Women’s Aid. Domestic abuse often begins or escalates in pregnancy.

I'm struggling to see what part of your behaviour has been abusive?! He, on the other hand, is doing a right number on you.

I know it's easy to say from the other end of a computer - but do you really want to co-parent a child with such an awful man?

Just separate
have this baby alone
Build other support

Telling someone "you are abusive" wont chznge snything
Either the person decides to change their behaviour or they dont

Maybe in few months he re thinks
Maybe not
But this is not the environment you want to grow your baby

Op, I read on here once that people in unhealthy relationships do behave poorly at times because the relationships are just so difficult to understand and live with.

Yes, possibly you shouldn't have shouted or called him names but I was in a similar situation with my exh and I occasionally lost it and then felt guilty. In reality the constant gaslighting, moodiness and manipulation just became unbearably frustrating and upsetting. I eventually left but it took a long time; when I look back over all those years my main feeling is of terrible disappointment that I put my dc and myself through that.

Don't be me. Move on now, it won't get better. This man is not capable of having a mature and healthy relationship; his drinking alone is a massive concern, quite apart from everything else.

🌺

@Louyt it got deleted and the poster got banned for posting multiple times, each time leaving out more of her abusive behaviour and escalating his.

Good luck with your situation. Lots of good advice on here.

To add the staying calm is very deliberate as well. Designed both to frustrate as it's a cold calm not a calm calm and also go make you feel unreasonable after the fact because you (understandably) got frustrated.

Honestly OP, just get rid - of him and the pregnancy

You can't bring a baby into this situation op. You need to leave him.

Abusive, not abusive. Doesn't matter. Stop trying to fix it and you. Just walk away. There's no way back. Your relationship is terminally broken. Work on getting settled without him ASAP and before the baby arrives.

I was you. It was a total mess. He will beat you with these sticks forever.

@harriethoyle i must have missed it. Now questioning whether I have given the full picture of my behaviour here! Thanks for luck.