DP said I was abusing him when I reacted to this behaviour

[Louyt]

I can’t get my head around it. I know my reactions WERE abusive objectively but I feel like his own behaviour is now overlooked and I’m made to feel guilty for being pushed to breaking point. We found out I was pregnant around 8 weeks ago which was a surprise as we had been using condoms. However at new year we had both said we’d ttc this year at some point and he was happy when we found out…More so than me as I was quite shocked and scared though wanted the baby.

Two weeks go by and suddenly he’s asking me ‘what I did’ to the condom. Not exactly being nasty but clearly suspicious of me and frowning and being cold. I answer him and talk about it, obviously saying I have no idea how it happened just like he doesn’t. He would then randomly bring it up at tomes which was v upsetting and confusing, to the point where I (wrongly) ended up asking him to leave for a while as I was not able to cope emotionally with the sudden questions all the time. He’s said this was completely out of order and how dare I have made that demand.

He seemed to move past it but then became generally accusatory alongside drinking increased amounts. Asked me once if I had been in his wallet - I hadn’t. Had I opened his post - I hadn’t. I was really really insulted and stressed by this and shouted at him, swore and said i was sick of him putting me through this for no reason. When I worked away a couple of nights both evenings he had got himself too drunk to talk so had to put the phone down. Two days I didn’t actually hear from him at all as he was so drunk he didn’t have his phone even during the day. Again I was v upset with him and in his worlds verbally abusive. He forgot the first scan and was pretty much silent all the way to it, made me feel really awkward and uncomfortable in the car. We had a huge row on the way back as he again was barely speaking and didn’t say why when I asked - embarrassed to say I threw my sandwich on the footwell!

Im not saying I’m usually some angel but I’ve never felt so distressed/confused/alone before and it’s made me feel genuinely out of character. I know that these things are abusive so he’s right about that. I’ve apologised for them but feel he takes no responsibility at all for his side and I’m left feeling absolutely dreadful that I’ve done these things and called him names… which has apparently made him feel he’s done nothing wrong.

i know people will this this is simply toxic and just leave but it’s more than that for me. I feel horrendously guilty now that this is all my fault, that I am awful and actually he’s done nothing wrong really in comparison to me at least. I have a terrible guilt complex at the best of times and I am beating myself up despite feeling so sure he was in the wrong initially. I feel so confused.

Wow you threw a sandwich and got a bit cross. How abusive. #sarcasm

He’s a vile pig. Personally I think you’d do well to leave him and re think having the baby. Otherwise you’ll be tied to him for the next 18 years at least one way or another (said from experience of leaving an abusive partner).

He is manipulative and abusive, you are not. He was horrible and so you asked him to move out, asking someone to move out is not abusive, it’s the best thing you can do in that situation, and you need to tell him to do it again. Regardless of who’s fault it is you can’t bring a baby into this toxic environment, the drinking and paranoia n arguing will all be abusive around a baby, so
you need to get rid of this man OP. He doesn’t want this baby and you are absolutely better off without him.

@Nautica I just threw it into the footwell and said I can’t eat as he was making me feel so sick and anxious. He just picked it up and cleaned the car silently, made me feel worse as he was so calm about it!

Again OP, I wouldn't be having a baby with this man and I'd be ending the pregnancy so you don't have to

You can't be rid of him properly otherwise. You're very early on. Otherwise he is going to be in your life, like it or not, because of the pregnancy which you have the power to end now

You were NOT abusive.
HE is emotionally abusive.
There is such a thing as justified anger - it’s there to protect you.
In fact, I’m proud of you.
Forget this nonsense of feeling you did something wrong.

He sounds either extremely paranoid, or he wants to find ways to break this relationship by painting you as the bad guy.

The leaping to the idea you’ve gone through his wallet and post, combined with his disappearance whilst “too drunk”, for two complete days and nights,without a phone…. is suspicious. Unless you know him to be an alcoholic who was regularly incoherent for such lengths of time.

The best defence is a strong offence they say. He may be accusing you because he has something to hide himself.

@Afterfire i had an abortion years ago and can’t face that again. I also feel too far along for me personally.

maybe I underplayed being cross. I honestly shouted and swore, called him a cunt and said I couldn’t cope with this and maybe he was better paying maintenance than being in our life. Said he had come from a dysfunctional family and I couldn’t cope with living like this. I was pretty nasty.

one day recently I did literally beg him to be nice for the day, at the weekend. That was a low point. I remember thinking how has it come to it where I am having to ask my partner to please be nice for a few hours. I don’t know how this has happened you know… I really don’t. I just wanted a happy life together.

Stop beating yourself up. Stop feeling guilty but seriously wise up.
It seems you have decided you are becoming a mother so it's time to start really playing the long game now because abusive behaviour like his only escalates and they do use their children to do so.

When you threw the sandwich, you did so out of frustration. He's making you doubt yourself, gas lighting you and emotionally abusing you. I suggest you start looking into other forms of abuse and HIS behaviour BEFORE your baby arrives.

This is so sad to read.

He is being abusive OP, and you are being gaslit.

You and your future innocent child will not have a happy life or emotional stability with this man. I feel sorry for you and terribly sorry for your child to be.

How long have you been together? Your actions weren’t abusive, you reacted to his awful treatment of you by shouting and throwing a sandwich in a footwell, that’s not abusive.

I think there’s two possibilities here, he’s an abuser who thinks now you’re pregnant you’re “stuck” with him so he can drop the nice guy act, or he was stringing you along with false promises of wanting to have a baby when he had no intention of TTC, so he resents and blames you now you’re pregnant as this wasn’t actually what he wanted.

Either way, with his behaviour and drinking he sounds like an awful partner, I can understand some confusion over how you got pregnant if you were using condoms, but that doesn’t explain his cruel treatment and repeatedly getting drunk (that seems like the actions of someone who didn’t want a baby or someone who is letting the nice guy act drop). I would be preparing to be a single mother if I was you.

This. Look up DARVO ( Deny, attack, reverse victim and offender) It's classic abuser tactics.

one day recently I did literally beg him to be nice for the day, at the weekend. That was a low point. I remember thinking how has it come to it where I am having to ask my partner to please be nice for a few hours.

That's not normal 😔or healthy

It really isn’t you who’s abusive.
His behaviour would try the patience of a saint.
Please don’t try to raise your child with him. Leave before your baby is born, his behaviour will only ramp up.

@NoMoneyHun @Minoloso maybe I have underplayed my reactions, I called him a cunt, said he was from a dysfunctional family and I couldn’t live like this, said he was being unkind and cruel, that nobody had ever treated me like this before etc. I didn’t throw the sandwich at him but it made a mess on the floor as it had Mayo etc in it. I text the same thing too if we were apart so he has it in messages that he throws back in my face. He considers these moments very abusive.

he is a heavy drinker yes, never known him to get so drunk he can’t speak properly but he started doing that recently which has made me feel like he’s not the responsible man I fell in love with.

Wish I could be calm like he is though. I don’t know how he does it as I just feel too upset.

The only time I have believed I was abusive was when I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. It's scary how you end up believing you're the abuser. I had numerous threads on here detailing my behaviour and no one ever agreed that it was me. I spent hours pouring over the wheel of abuse and finding fuck all tbh. I still believed I was abusive. I rang the national DV helpline at one point and they were really helpful and went through the times I thought I wS abusive and explained how I was reacting to his abuse/or my reactions to other things were normal. I still went back for more until I had a breakdown. My hair fell out, I was in bed for 5 weeks unable to function, I still stayed until my friends got him out my house. I then had physical symptoms and was signed off work for 5 months. I'm still not fully recovered from what that man put me through. You are not being abusive OP, don't end up like I did.

It’s okay to get very angry and shout. It doesn’t make you abusive. It really doesn’t. Clearly you wouldn’t do it to a child for example but to another adult who has literally pushed you into that situation it really isn’t the end of the world. Stop being so harsh on yourself.

If you are going to continue with the pregnancy you need to protect your child from this. He will be controlling you and your child with his constant moods and dragging you both down.

"he is quite a sensitive man and I probably should have been more careful what I was saying and how mean I was… swearing like crazy and telling him to leave etc is objectively quite controlling of me. I just didn’t know what to do I was so sad.

as for his upbringing it was dysfunctional"

Jesus, OP, read that as if your friend said that to you! First relationship/little interpersonal skills, actively harmful role models of parenting that he will think is normal... Speaking positively about being a father is not enough! Has he done the work to undo and become self aware of his childhood trauma?

Obviously not considering now it seems he is acting out those dysfunctions with you. And you are making excuses for him, he is not "sensitive" he is emotionally unstable and unwell. Paranoia, suspicion, verbal and emotional abuse... This will not get better, do you really believe he will be up helping you with a baby, housework, cooking.. I really consider you to reach out and tell your friends and family how he is behaving and seek support if you are dead set on continuing your pregnancy. You need a plan B, C and Z!

@Elsiebear90 3 years. I spoke to my mum last night and she thinks he must have had no intention of ttc. I think maybe that’s true but it’s something we’d spoken about lots! We had a plan. He was happy when we found out initially. None of it makes sense to me at all.

If he doesn’t want the baby in reality then he is absolutely the sort of person to just run away and delve back into work. I can’t imagine for a moment he would be involved if I walked away, he would turn his back completely i expect.

“He is manipulative and abusive, you are not. He was horrible and so you asked him to move out, asking someone to move out is not abusive, it’s the best thing you can do in that situation, and you need to tell him to do it again. Regardless of who’s fault it is you can’t bring a baby into this toxic environment, the drinking and paranoia n arguing will all be abusive around a baby, so you need to get rid of this man OP. He doesn’t want this baby and you are absolutely better off without him.”

This, OP. He sounds horrible. You lost it after he had been repeatedly horrible. A decent man would instinctively feel very protective of the woman who is carrying his child, not behave the way he’s behaving. The relationship is over. Plan a life (including parenthood) without him.

It is weird just how many threads there are at the moment about men behaving incredibly badly towards their pregnant partners.

He started out by accusing you of sabotaging the condom, began giving you the silent treatment, started getting drunk, and being thoroughly nasty. Exactly what could you have done and said in response to all this that he would have found acceptable? There isn't anything. He's trying to make everything into your problem, so when you didn't admit to deliberately engineering the pregnancy, he found other pretexts to be horrible.

At best he's having doubts about a baby.
At worst he's showing his true colours - gaslighting and becoming abusive.

If you can talk to him you have a chance of finding out if it's the former. If you can't, it's clearly the latter.

Pregnancy hormones change you and your "normal" reactions. Don't beat yourself up over how you react to him (within reason). He should be taking care of you and being supportive, not needling you for a reaction.

I'm interested as to what he thinks you've done to the condom - presumably it was in a sealed package before use, and he was there throughout the process of opening it an applying it - did he miss the part where you suddenly pulled out a pair of scissors to snip the end....??!! He's got some growing up to do.

@Keroppi i think if it was a friend I would absolutely have sympathy for her but I guess that’s because I know my friends and I know hands down they are good people with kind hearts.

he is VERY practical and will cook and clean etc so I expect he would definitely help but after this behaviour it would be done in a way where I felt uncomfortable and like he didn’t actually want to help and I can foresee it being quite sad and distant rather than properly loving if that makes sense.

the sad thing is that I do think deep down he wanted all these things together. I just dont think he copes well at all. And now I’m not coping well as I feel so drained and confused.

You're being too hard on yourself and waaaaaaaaaaaay too easy on him.

Two weeks go by and suddenly he’s asking me ‘what I did’ to the condom. Not exactly being nasty but clearly suspicious of me and frowning and being cold. I answer him and talk about it, obviously saying I have no idea how it happened just like he doesn’t. He would then randomly bring it up at times... This is abusive on his part. It's a horrible thing to say to your partner even once, and he kept bringing it up? You must have been wondering if he suddenly didn't want the baby anymore and completely confused and upset by it when he wouldn't explain. It's also weird as hell - has be been reading reddit or something? There's a "men's rights activism" group on there who are absolutely crazed about how awful all women are and this claim that women make holes in condoms to get pregnant and trap men is one of their obsessions. It doesn't even make sense, though, if the two of you were TTC and he wants a baby.

... which was v upsetting and confusing, to the point where I (wrongly) ended up asking him to leave for a while as I was not able to cope emotionally with the sudden questions all the time. He’s said this was completely out of order and how dare I have made that demand. It was a reasonable request under the circumstances, NOT abusive on your part. If he was able to go - for example, he has somewhere else he could stay for a few days - I would think quite a bit less of him as a partner for refusing. He created the situation which, absolutely understandably, had upset you and especially given that you're pregnant he should have left you alone when you asked.

... it’s abusive to swear and shout agreed and tell him to stay with a friend no, this is a perfectly reasonable request. You didn't force him to leave when he said he couldn't. It was abusive to throw my sandwich across the car. Did you throw it at him? Did it hit him and injure him and/or made a mess? It's not ideal, but honestly he'll survive.

@Milkand2sugarsplease I’ve asked him that and he says he doesn’t know. It got to the point where I said let’s go and speak to a specialist in fertility to discuss it because I was desperate for it to stop. Grasping at anything really. He didn’t want to do that either.

Honestly you are not abusive. This is such a common thing for abusive men to do to turn it round on to you making you blame yourself. The timing (newly pregnant) is text book for it starting up too. It's not your fault, please don't feel guilt and please leave as the stress is not great for you or your baby

You've posted about this before, haven't you? It sounded quite different the first time around.