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Original poster

To not know why he says this stupid thing and how to answer

131 replies

OneSugarOneSpoon · 09/08/2022 22:30

BF of 7 months has this wierd habit of having a conversation with me that goes like this..
Eg . He will say something along the lines of " right I'm going now as I need to collect My daughter" . I'll say " ok" then he will reply " oh great...so you want me to leave then?" Or something similar. Same if he asks do if I mind if he goes playing golf or whatever...I say no..then I get this silly " oh don't you want to be with me then?"

It can be about anything really, but he often does it in relation to his kids ( "Alice wants to sit by me...oh you've let her...don't you want to be next to me then "etc etc)

I've actually started being quite snappy back as I've no idea what he's trying to achieve. Otherwise he is fine , but this totally winds me up.

Any thoughts wise MNetters?

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 10/08/2022 17:43

Most men have never even heard of these blimmin concepts, give him a chance.

Is that a fact?

Musttryharder2021 · 10/08/2022 17:44

People will put up with a lot so as not to be single

takeaflight · 10/08/2022 17:46

As an older man, I never realised until some time, ago when I was involved with a business that took groups of men on holiday that was their hobby, for some the first time away from their wife’s, that how many was big baby’s.
My advice sadly is that it will not get any better, so if your happy having another child to deal with then fine, if not look else were. He will throw a tantrum, and say. “ I knew it “ But he soon get over it, leaving to find someone on your level.

best of luck.

KettrickenSmiled · 10/08/2022 17:48

Yeah bye. Not here to sate your need for conflict hun. Fish elsewhere.

Oh I get you now @excitingusername.

When YOU need conflict, you write aggressive personal attacks attributing erroneous mindsets & beliefs to PP - but if they wish to correct you, you retreat into "can dish it out but not take it" bullshit.

Keep polishing up those double standards. Hun.

wellhelloitsme · 10/08/2022 17:49

@excitingusername

Give him the examples you have given us, explain it's a bit borderline and could be emotionally manipulative. Most men have never even heard of these blimmin concepts, give him a chance.

You call other people man haters then say this, implying they are idiots.

Why would men be any less aware of the concept of emotional manipulation than women?

I'm bi. I love and respect decent men just like a live and respect decent women. I just don't date manipulative idiots regardless of their sex.

Saying one man is bad news because of his very obvious and multiple red flags isn't man hating, it's basic common sense.

If 'most men' you know haven't heard of and / or don't understand the concept of manipulation then you might want to widen your social circle.

You'll have nicer men in your life that way.

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/08/2022 17:49

OneSugarOneSpoon · 09/08/2022 22:30

BF of 7 months has this wierd habit of having a conversation with me that goes like this..
Eg . He will say something along the lines of " right I'm going now as I need to collect My daughter" . I'll say " ok" then he will reply " oh great...so you want me to leave then?" Or something similar. Same if he asks do if I mind if he goes playing golf or whatever...I say no..then I get this silly " oh don't you want to be with me then?"

It can be about anything really, but he often does it in relation to his kids ( "Alice wants to sit by me...oh you've let her...don't you want to be next to me then "etc etc)

I've actually started being quite snappy back as I've no idea what he's trying to achieve. Otherwise he is fine , but this totally winds me up.

Any thoughts wise MNetters?

The only answer I could muster to "oh great...so you want me to leave then?" or "oh don't you want to be with me then?" would be "Are we really playing this game again? Really!?! I am so bored with your nonsense! Just fuck off and don't come back." I might round it off with a 'you wanker' and a door slam, but neither is necessary to get the point across. Oh, and yes - bin him. It's not going to get better.

excitingusername · 10/08/2022 17:51

KettrickenSmiled · 10/08/2022 17:48

Yeah bye. Not here to sate your need for conflict hun. Fish elsewhere.

Oh I get you now @excitingusername.

When YOU need conflict, you write aggressive personal attacks attributing erroneous mindsets & beliefs to PP - but if they wish to correct you, you retreat into "can dish it out but not take it" bullshit.

Keep polishing up those double standards. Hun.

So, when your DP posts on his forum about you being spiteful, domineering and kneejerk, presumably your advice to him is to leave you. It can't be anything else surely. By your own standards you are a giant red flag.

KettrickenSmiled · 10/08/2022 17:55

excitingusername · 10/08/2022 17:51

So, when your DP posts on his forum about you being spiteful, domineering and kneejerk, presumably your advice to him is to leave you. It can't be anything else surely. By your own standards you are a giant red flag.

Show quote history

Oh, I thought you'd said bye. And were not here to sate anybody's need for conflict? Other than your own of course.

Shall I inform all my menfriends of your opinion of me, & come back to you with a summary of their responses?

excitingusername · 10/08/2022 17:57

Do what you want love, froth and flounce away.

LilyMarshall · 10/08/2022 18:14

7 and a half months and he winds you up when he acts like a prick. You do not need to stay with him. You can just say, look it isnt working for me. Some things you say to me make me very uncomfortable, and as we have already had conversations about it and you are still doing it, Ive decided to move on in order to protect my boundaries. Goodbye.

done.

Ceriane · 10/08/2022 18:22

Sounds really insecure and childish. I would find this so annoying.

Original poster
OneSugarOneSpoon · 10/08/2022 18:26

I'm not desperate for a man...any man! Not scared of being single either.

Just don't know if this is a wierd quirk In an otherwise decent bloke, or if it's a hill to die on.

Tbh he has got a very very juvenile sense of humour, which is odd considering his job ( think barrister for eg...not that but similar standing) as some pp said , he does make jokes about gross bodily functions etc especially to his ( too old ) kids..he says it's to make them laugh ( it doesn't really). Who needs to be reminded in great detail when you're 14 that you wet yourself in Asda when you were 4?!

OP posts:
Beelezebub · 10/08/2022 18:34

OneSugarOneSpoon · 10/08/2022 16:53

Pretty much this is what I say, and then he's like " yeah ok"...but still does it. He does say stuff like " do you love me...tell me then" ( I do regularly).Or...this is another bizarre one..say if I get up to go make a drink etc, he'll say " kiss first" or grab me and say no I need a hug first"...so whatever I'm about to do, has to wait a few minutes.

In other ways he's fine...generous,attentive,caring.

Now....as I'm typing this I'm starting to wonder. His ex apparently left him as he was " controlling"....are these red flags??

Show quote history

Yes! Of course they are!

Dump his useless arse right now before he gets his claws in any further!!

Pussycat22 · 10/08/2022 18:42

Insecure and hard work!!!

Beancounter1 · 10/08/2022 19:35

Who needs to be reminded in great detail when you're 14 that you wet yourself in Asda when you were 4

If he is saying this stuff to his DC then he is a nasty bully.
Get rid.

mewkins · 10/08/2022 19:46

OneSugarOneSpoon · 10/08/2022 16:53

Pretty much this is what I say, and then he's like " yeah ok"...but still does it. He does say stuff like " do you love me...tell me then" ( I do regularly).Or...this is another bizarre one..say if I get up to go make a drink etc, he'll say " kiss first" or grab me and say no I need a hug first"...so whatever I'm about to do, has to wait a few minutes.

In other ways he's fine...generous,attentive,caring.

Now....as I'm typing this I'm starting to wonder. His ex apparently left him as he was " controlling"....are these red flags??

Show quote history

Yes it is controlling behaviour driven by insecurity. Watch out for stuff like... checking where you are....asking who you're texting.... accusing you of flirting....criticising your friends and family etc. All will ramp up over time.

AnyFucker · 10/08/2022 19:50

I think you should take of what his ex said

TemperTrap · 10/08/2022 19:50

He sounds like one of those 'I'm really wacky' types but he does also sound like a controlling arse too. I'd be running a mile.

LilyMarshall · 10/08/2022 20:03

OneSugarOneSpoon · 10/08/2022 18:26

I'm not desperate for a man...any man! Not scared of being single either.

Just don't know if this is a wierd quirk In an otherwise decent bloke, or if it's a hill to die on.

Tbh he has got a very very juvenile sense of humour, which is odd considering his job ( think barrister for eg...not that but similar standing) as some pp said , he does make jokes about gross bodily functions etc especially to his ( too old ) kids..he says it's to make them laugh ( it doesn't really). Who needs to be reminded in great detail when you're 14 that you wet yourself in Asda when you were 4?!

Sounds like he wanted his daughter bringing down a peg or two.

dehloh · 10/08/2022 20:36

OneSugarOneSpoon · 10/08/2022 18:26

I'm not desperate for a man...any man! Not scared of being single either.

Just don't know if this is a wierd quirk In an otherwise decent bloke, or if it's a hill to die on.

Tbh he has got a very very juvenile sense of humour, which is odd considering his job ( think barrister for eg...not that but similar standing) as some pp said , he does make jokes about gross bodily functions etc especially to his ( too old ) kids..he says it's to make them laugh ( it doesn't really). Who needs to be reminded in great detail when you're 14 that you wet yourself in Asda when you were 4?!

He is showing you he likes to be on top and you should respect the big man.

The way he is turning him going out into you rubbing his ego is classic manipulation and it won't get any better. These people never do. It will escalate.

The big man. Putting his own kids down, embarrassing them, for what? To look funny - he is nasty, not funny.

This is no quirk OP. This is a grown adult man who is putting on a show so you all accept him as your superior. Fuck that.

KettrickenSmiled · 10/08/2022 21:25

Who needs to be reminded in great detail when you're 14 that you wet yourself in Asda when you were 4?!

Nobody does OP.
Your b/f is a bully. I am so sorry for his children. At least they are not living with him full time - no?

mathanxiety · 11/08/2022 01:29

Now....as I'm typing this I'm starting to wonder. His ex apparently left him as he was " controlling"....are these red flags??

Yes, and his ex was right.

mathanxiety · 11/08/2022 01:36

Well yeah, if you hate men and believe they are irredeemable and must be ousted and rejected the moment they show any character flaws/difficulties understanding women or their immediate need. To say this is an overreaction is the least of it. Your brand of feminism isn't the only one around.

A superior breed of feminist has spoken!

Bow down, inferior man-haters. You need to understand that abuse means extreme physical violence. It's only ok to consider leaving when that occurs. Up to that point you're only shooting yourselves in the foot because having A Man in your life is very important.

Quia · 11/08/2022 08:04

Try blowing him out when he wants to meet you because you're meeting, say, a group of university/previous workplace friends including men and watch the reaction.

Turtletunes · 11/08/2022 08:22

Run to the hilllllls, run for your li-iife!!! These aren't quirks, these are the start of you being groomed into accepting a life of gaslighting and worse from a controlling possibly narcissistic man. I've been married to one of these for years and am planning my escape. If I had known at 7 months what I know now, how different my life would have been! These "quirks" that you mention are all tactics that my husband has used to wrong foot me, confuse me and control me over the years (along with much much more). My advice is to get out now.