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Original poster

Would you get the ick if you were called "boobs"?!

139 replies

Namechange85 · 09/08/2022 09:33

As the title says really. I've been casually dating a guy for around 2 and half months, so far I've had no reason to complain he's been nothing but lovely.

Last night I added a little affectionate word after the goodnight text, nothing heavy, just a welsh word for my darling. He replied with goodnight boobs!!!

It has totally put me off him as I feel that's all I must be to him. Am I overreacting?!

OP posts:
FilePhoto · 09/08/2022 17:07

GreyCarpet · 09/08/2022 14:39

Again, OP is not in a relationship. It's a man she has been dating for 10 weeks and has probably seen a handful of times in that time.

I send my boyfriend photos when we're not together but I wouldn't do that for a man I'd met a handful of times over the course of a couple of months!

What people.do in an established respectful relationship is not comparable with a few weeks dating.

Show quote history

Genuine question because I don't date at all much and I'm sure things were less complicated when I was young...

But at what point does 'dating' become a relationship? My last relationship was definitely a relationship 10 weeks in.

GreyCarpet · 09/08/2022 17:08

Joey69 · 09/08/2022 16:50

Again, OP is not in a relationship. It's a man she has been dating for 10 weeks and has probably seen a handful of times in that time.

and for him that person has just called him Boyfriend or Darling or Love, or Sweetheart or whatever, I was him I might be the one doing the rethinking in this situation

And he'd be entitled to. At this stage they're both just figuring each other out and whether they're the sort of person they want to be with.

I wouldn't be overlooking things that made me think twice about someone at this stage.

GreyCarpet · 09/08/2022 17:10

FilePhoto · 09/08/2022 17:07

Genuine question because I don't date at all much and I'm sure things were less complicated when I was young...

But at what point does 'dating' become a relationship? My last relationship was definitely a relationship 10 weeks in.

Show quote history

It doesn't really matter. A 10 week old relationship is still not comparable with 20 year old marriage or a sibling relationship in its 30s or whatever.

excellentday · 09/08/2022 17:11

I don't know. If you say he has been lovely otherwise and this is out of character, perhaps he has clumsily thought it was something nice to say. How, I don't know, but has he complimented you on your lovely boobs or something. Or was saying goodnight to your boobs. Do you have big boobs? I don't know.

Men are really quite thick when you get down to the nuts and bolts of it.

Perhaps tell him you are not sure what he meant but it upset you a bit. His reaction will either be he is really mortified he caused you to be upset by it. Or if he minimises and tells you it was a joke don't be stupid, you'll know what the best thing is to do.

I know my DP said some really stupid things in the early days. He didn't have a clue until I pointed a few things out to him and he genuinely didn't seem to have a clue that certain things were just, ick.

Helpel · 09/08/2022 17:17

Agree with @excellentday I wouldn't write him off if everything else has been genuinely good for the last 10 weeks. You need to know what he was thinking not just if it was a typo.
He could be calling you boobs in reference to your actual breasts (if they are particularly big or otherwise boticable) or it ichthyosaurs just be a term of affection that he hasn't really thought about. Seems over the top to end it over one word on a text without even checking out the sentiment

InTheCup · 09/08/2022 17:18

You need to pull him up on it and see if he can come up with a workable retort !

Boyfriend why did you call me boobs last night? Are boobs all you see when you look at me or are you just shit at giving pet names?

yellowsmileyface · 09/08/2022 17:19

I told my boyfriend I didn’t like being called Sweetie, it gave me the ick. Problem solved. Just tell him.

I don't think this is comparable. "Sweetie" is a fairly common term of endearment. "Boobs" is not. It's misogynistic to reduce a woman to a body part no matter how you dress it up.

OP isn't overreacting. If it bothers her then that's valid, and she can't exactly help it if this has changed the way she feels about him. She couldn't just override that feeling even if she wanted to, nor should she have to.

KirstenBlest · 09/08/2022 17:31

@Joey69 , I would say it's more like saying Goodnight love or Goodnight chuck/duck/dear/hen/hun/babes/pet or something.

Decidualcast · 09/08/2022 17:39

I think it’s gross and would piss me off, BUT you’ve had a lovey 10 weeks. I wouldn’t write him off just yet if there are no other weirdo signs. I would withdraw a bit and definitely pull him up on it and ask what exactly he meant.

I met a rather odd man on OLD, who thought it was ok to use the term gollywog as he liked the sound of it. He also said he’d rather spend a weekend at Fritzl’s house than go to Scotland (you remember Austrian guy who imprisoned his daughter and raped her for years). When I reminded him what he did to his daughter, he said Fritzl was misunderstood. I’d draw the line at that sort of shit as it suggests something seriously dark with the chap. Boobs could be meant as a term of affection (as horrid as it is), but he just didn’t realise it.

Inthesameboatatmo · 09/08/2022 18:01

It wasn't a typo ffs. He's actually dating incontinent . What are you going to do op ? It's awful isn't it when you think they might be different from the others onwards and upwards and all that Flowers

AtrociousCircumstance · 09/08/2022 18:06

Also, when you asked if it was a typo, that was his cue to say no…sorry I was just joking, won’t say that again! Or some such. Sounds like he brushed past it with complete entitlement.

Bubblesdublin · 09/08/2022 18:08

He sounds a bit dim really.

Original poster
Namechange85 · 09/08/2022 18:18

I really don't know what to do yet. He's messaged me as if nothing is wrong but I don't want to discuss it whilst we're both working.

We don't really speak on the phone and I won't see him in person for another 3 weeks so I'm going to have to tell him how much he's upset me via text. Which isn't ideal.

As somebody mentioned the fact he didn't even apologise when I asked if it was a typo is terrible. It's upset my whole day as I was beginning to really think a lot of him. Don't know why I bother.

OP posts:
titchy · 09/08/2022 18:22

Can you reply 'I'm still waiting for your apology'

Opentooffers · 09/08/2022 18:55

Unless you are long distance, or on holidays, there is something disfuntional about not meeting for 3 weeks, even allowing for DC. You started by saying it was casual dating, but clearly you really want more than casual otherwise you would not be so upset, but does he? Don't try too hard to to be the cool casual girl. I'm thinking maybe he's quite recently divorced and still a bit messed up emotionally about it. Hmm.. I just got caught out by one of those, I realise that purely texting without speaking on the phone when there are gaps of not seeing each other just makes things more distant - and we weren't even being casual about it. He sounds like he's maybe using tactics to keep a distance, you may well find the more you display feelings, the more he tries to put you off.
He's probably not in the right headspace for a relationship whereas it sounds like you are. I'd advise pulling back at least or giving him the swerve.

lemonyfox · 09/08/2022 18:56

Namechange85 · 09/08/2022 16:36

I know he definitely wouldn't say it again if he knew it had upset me, he really does seem a lovely guy generally.

But.....the fact I am beginning to care for him and he clearly sees me as just a pair of boobs is a massive issue.

I think you're overreacting here tbh, I wouldn't take a throwaway comment as a reflection on his entire opinion of you.

Either there's something else you're unsure of with him and this is manifesting, or you're being a bit self destructive making a bigger issue out of a small issue.

Original poster
Namechange85 · 09/08/2022 19:06

@Opentooffers funnily enough it's the other way around....he's been divorced for years whereas I have only been separated a few months.
Maybe it's a bit of a giveaway that he's been single apart from a fling here and there since his divorce.
He's told me repeatedly that he has become selfish, but I thought seeing each other now and again would work fine especially with what I have going on too. Maybe I've been kidding myself, I am surprised how much the thought of ending things has upset me.

OP posts:
agedasiago · 09/08/2022 19:45

Namechange85 · 09/08/2022 18:18

I really don't know what to do yet. He's messaged me as if nothing is wrong but I don't want to discuss it whilst we're both working.

We don't really speak on the phone and I won't see him in person for another 3 weeks so I'm going to have to tell him how much he's upset me via text. Which isn't ideal.

As somebody mentioned the fact he didn't even apologise when I asked if it was a typo is terrible. It's upset my whole day as I was beginning to really think a lot of him. Don't know why I bother.

I'm a redhead, so I get a lot of Ginge(r), Red, Rusty, etc which I do not love and which, in a very literal superficial analysis does single out one physical characteristic of me, just as "boobs" does with you (and me). I wouldn't be shocked if a new friend, potential boyfriend etc. called me Ginger, etc. I'd just object and he'd probably agree and stop. If he didn't I'd know he was a coercive arsehole and dump him.

"Boobs", though, is completely different, in our current reality. It would jar me in a way that Ginge or Lefty or Shorty or Blondie never would. Someone who doesn't understand why "Boobs" is not OK is a rarity, and I'm not sure that I would want the job of explaining to him why it's not OK. If he already understands why it's not OK, and uses it as a joke, he's a misogynist. If he's trying to make a point, he would have discussed it with you when you commented on it. This is a guy who - for whatever reason - has decided entirely on his own to call a woman "boobs" and expects no criticism for this. I don't think you'd be crazy to dump him over this. I would.

butterflied · 09/08/2022 19:49

OP, he's telling you his selfish repeatedly. That's not great either at the start of a relationship.

AMindNeedsBooks · 09/08/2022 19:49

OP I would honestly listen to your gut here. I know it's upsetting because everything has been fine up until now but it's only 10 weeks in, it'll be worse when you develop more feelings.

He's told you he's selfish, you won't be able to blame him later for it because he's literally told you.

Once a man told me something and I felt my tummy turn (not anything weird, it just did). I ignored the feeling and ended up splitting up a few months later.

Another long term one told me he was moody early on. I appreciated his honesty and thought he couldn't be that bad, maybe it was current circumstances? He WAS moody and made my life a misery but he told me, right?

This man hasn't even had the presence of mind to wonder why you asked if it was a typo. You barely see him anyway so I'd let him go Flowers

SalviaOfficinalis · 09/08/2022 20:11

butterflied · 09/08/2022 19:49

OP, he's telling you his selfish repeatedly. That's not great either at the start of a relationship.

Yes, this isn’t good. He’s telling you so that later on, if you ever say he’s being selfish, he can deflect all accountability because he told you he’s selfish.

butterflied · 09/08/2022 20:19

SalviaOfficinalis · 09/08/2022 20:11

Yes, this isn’t good. He’s telling you so that later on, if you ever say he’s being selfish, he can deflect all accountability because he told you he’s selfish.

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"Why are you nagging me? I told you I am selfish."

Cut your losses with this one.

HopeIsNotAStrategy · 09/08/2022 21:35

Pyewhacket · 09/08/2022 12:55

He referred to his wife as, The Booby - " and the buffoon act sold him short. He was a skilled journalist whose investigations uncovered a couple of betting-related scandals in the 70s. Producers almost invariably turned to McCririck when there was a serious interview to be done."

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And that made his ghastly misogyny ok because...?

Minimalme · 09/08/2022 21:44

Namechange85 · 09/08/2022 19:06

@Opentooffers funnily enough it's the other way around....he's been divorced for years whereas I have only been separated a few months.
Maybe it's a bit of a giveaway that he's been single apart from a fling here and there since his divorce.
He's told me repeatedly that he has become selfish, but I thought seeing each other now and again would work fine especially with what I have going on too. Maybe I've been kidding myself, I am surprised how much the thought of ending things has upset me.

Ok, definitely run a mile and don't look back.

A guy I know kept telling me he was trying to be kinder but generally he really struggled with it. He was my new Boss and I did the sympathetic "I'm sure you are kind, don't be hard in yourself" thing.

But no, he was unkind and a right plonker too. Utter bastard.

Original poster
Namechange85 · 09/08/2022 21:55

I really feel like I need to speak to him and not via text.
From what I've seen his DC are his life and that's why he says he's selfish as it's him and them....in one way I adore that. He really is an amazing dad. I'm just beginning to realise there is no room in his life for anyone else.

OP posts: