What does my married colleague want?

[Swiftie2022]

I slept with my colleague on two separate business trips. The second time he said he had too much to risk losing - he has kids and feels like a bad Father.

We said we would be friends - he particularly stressed he wanted this to be the case because it’s not just physical.

We chat a fair bit both during and outside of working hours but I can’t help feel that conversation sometimes crosses the line. Also realistically why does a man 10 years older than me want to be my friend? He’s sent me screenshots about his vasectomy etc and I thought you would avoid any subject like that given our history.

the other day he knew I was upset by a colleague so offered to ring me when he was driving to collect friends - was this because then his wife wouldn’t know? He asked me for book recommendations for his holiday but I haven’t heard from him since he got there.

I just feel very confused about what he wants and is getting out of this weird situation of still flirting and joking but nothing physical. Is it an emotional affair territory, or is he just using me to get an ego boost to feel desirable? Or is he just trying to keep me warm incase he changes his mind?

I suspect the OP came here looking (hoping) for confirmation that the guy is showing signs of wanting an actual relationship...

The guy is indeed a dick head, however it doesnt sound as though hes had to be particularly manipulative in this instance 😬

Sleeping with a married man/woman is way, way low - the lowest. If its not basement morals then its self esteem. Either way, I dont think the softly softly approach would benefit the OP - clearly it needed spelling out!

Absolutely this. Cut him off as pp says, just say it’s no longer for you and you want to have a proper partner, not just a fling- and he should focus on his wife and family. I suggest doing it this was as you want to keep it civil for your own sake because of work.
get yourself out on a few dates with more suitable men, or go out with your friends, just don’t continue to entertain this particular guy as he is having his cake and eating it, and your paying for it with the best young years of your life.
move on and don’t allow him to waste anymore of your time. He sounds like a manipulative prick btw.
if you come to find ditching him then impacts your career- move jobs and chalk this one up to experience.

Of course he's told you about his vasectomy. Basically telling you that you can't get pregnant by him so its safe to go ahead? Get rid.

Ick 🤢 being sent screenshot details about his vasectomy - by a guy you'd hooked up with twice - would be enough to have you running for the hills even if he was single!

Absolutely agree!
Op you sound very young - but one day you may be married with kids and your DH may cheat on you with a woman 10 years younger than you...I hope it never happens to you but if it does, you'll find it to be the most painful, humiliating and horrendous experience that you'll likely face.
I have to say I absolutely despise women who sleep with married men (who also have children)...you know there is such a thing as sisterhood? And having a moral compass? How can you possibly have sex with someone KNOWING he has a wife?
Get some moral fibre and kick this cheating scum of a man to the kerb.
And please don't do this again.
Ever.

I doubt he will change the way he acts with you and will probably still try to sleep with you. It would be then, once you two have had sex, that he would be different with you. Would say he feels guilty and has a family etc and then he’d cut off contact with you.

That was advice given to a woman in a similar situation, but not as far along as OP. Sounds very like your current situation, @Swiftie2022:

Full thread

This! Get out now!

Why are you casually sleeping with married men on business trips?

Sleazy and utterly selfish, both of you.

You seem to have listed all the possible reasons for his behaviour, none of which are attractive or conducive to any kind of commitment. What do you want us to say?

Sorry, how is he NOT compromising his career & reputation? Because he is a man?

And all this shit about 'he's the married one, she's single and can do what she wants' is just ridiculous.

You're an adult, you have agency. You chose to sleep with someone whom you knew to be married.

You don't get to come out of that innocently.

And no, it doesn't sound like he's interested in you - it sounds like he thinks you're up for sleeping with him on the side.

Why did you sleep with a married man?!He is clearly using you.

Yes.

Sad, enraging - but true.

Stop sleeping with married men op. That way lies ruin. Yours not theirs. He doesn't give a fuck about you.

He's like a cat with a mouse.
You're the mouse.
I would suggest you turn it back on him and tell him you're glad to both be drawing a line under it all and then create distance so you are clearly not going to let him play with you whenever he feels like it. He's a total dick head.

I totally agree you all are being awful to her she come asking for advice.

You need to make it clear that you don't want him to contact you outside work. I agree go on dates even tell him you got a boyfriend.
Don't let me try reel you in again. Just move on from him in the sense you will talk about work related stuff make sure your not really alone with him.
Just don't let him start trying it on.

@Swiftie2022

Don't let him reel you in again.

What does he want? He wants to keep you hanging. He wants to play the good guy by saying he feels ‘oh so guilty’ about his family. He’s trying to keep you sweet so you don’t wreck his set up. He wants to have as much of his cake and eat or without loss of finances or the split of his family.

He’s not been in touch on holiday because he’s compartmentalising. You are simply not that important.

Stop having contact with him. Just get over yourself and move on. Raise your bar FFS. You really don’t want to be on the other end of this dirty sordid rubbish in ten years time when you’re married with children.

Zero sympathy for you.

Why is it being horrible to give some home truths to a woman, who chooses repeatedly to jump into bed with a married man and then come on here all confused about why she's not hearing from him while he's on holiday with the wife and children? It's not rocket science.

We all have agency and make choices.

What he wants? An easy shag, and trust me, he won't care about anything else with you. Come in op don't kid yourself that you are soul partners, or that he can't be without you, or that he feels anything near love for you, he feels those things for his poor wife.

If you registered anywhere in his affections he'd be leaving his wife for you.

Please don't tell me you're a fully functioning adult and then go and feign innocence, it's ridiculous!

He wants to keep you dangling so he can try and have sex with you when he wants too but also push you away when the guilt gets him about his wife.......and repeat

The problem here is that what he says is all smooth cheater bullshit. But you think that he's being truthful. He's not.

You are desperately trying to view this as him being irresistibly drawn to you like some sort of spellbound love affair but his actions are telling you something very different from his words.

Telling you that the floor was uncomfortable, then getting into bed, then accidentally having sex were all tactical. It IS possible to get into a bed, even with someone you feel an attraction for, and NOT shag them because you have respect for yourself, respect for your spouse, and even a bit of respect for the other person. He chose to do what he did, deliberately.

He's showing you 'proof' of vasectomy so that you don't start day dreaming of having kids with him, but also more than likely it'll be so that he can ditch condom use with you.

He's on holidays with his wife and kids. If he really was all caught up in the fate of your mutual destiny, he'd be sneaking off and sending you messages or calling you. But he's not. You are out of sight and out of mind and he's not giving you a passing thought.

He's telling you he's guilty but yet, he's shagged you twice at least. So he's not that guilty otherwise he'd be horrified and stop, or confess or all of those. But telling you he's guilty is trying to convince you that he's got some sort of moral code. He doesn't.

He is using you. And when you become an inconvenience to him, or when he thinks you're developing feelings for him or it's threatening his marriage, you'll be cruelly dumped instantly and that budding friendship, that connection you think you have will end instantly. You'll get blanked at work and you'll be humiliated. Please wise up and get rid.

This. He doesn't care about you, and wants a shag. You're worth more than a man like that.

This. ^

This. ^.