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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What does my married colleague want?

108 replies

Swiftie2022 · 08/08/2022 15:41

I slept with my colleague on two separate business trips. The second time he said he had too much to risk losing - he has kids and feels like a bad Father.

We said we would be friends - he particularly stressed he wanted this to be the case because it’s not just physical.

We chat a fair bit both during and outside of working hours but I can’t help feel that conversation sometimes crosses the line. Also realistically why does a man 10 years older than me want to be my friend? He’s sent me screenshots about his vasectomy etc and I thought you would avoid any subject like that given our history.

the other day he knew I was upset by a colleague so offered to ring me when he was driving to collect friends - was this because then his wife wouldn’t know? He asked me for book recommendations for his holiday but I haven’t heard from him since he got there.

I just feel very confused about what he wants and is getting out of this weird situation of still flirting and joking but nothing physical. Is it an emotional affair territory, or is he just using me to get an ego boost to feel desirable? Or is he just trying to keep me warm incase he changes his mind?

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 08/08/2022 19:07

Don't shag colleagues and don't shag married men.

KettrickenSmiled · 08/08/2022 19:09

ecuse · 08/08/2022 19:02

Well done everyone who never did something ill-advised with an older manipulative dickhead.

The OP absolutely needs warning off - and indeed she came here for advice. She doesn't need personal insults and being told she's loose with no morals. FFS.

I expect her affair partner's wife doesn't need the personal insult of being cheated on with a bit of office totty, but few of us get what we deserve in life.

wellhelloitsme · 08/08/2022 19:28

The second time he said he had too much to risk losing - he has kids and feels like a bad Father.

And a wife. He should feel like a bad husband.

Also realistically why does a man 10 years older than me want to be my friend?

He doesn't. He wants to keep the door open to fuck you again if he fancies it.

He thinks you're young, inexperienced, compliant and likely to tolerate his shit. And you're proving him right.

I just feel very confused about what he wants and is getting out of this weird situation of still flirting and joking but nothing physical.

As above, he's keeping you on the bench for when he wants a shag.

Stop asking yourself why he's behaving this way and start asking yourself why you're entertaining it.

And stop the faux naivety of 'but what does he want?' with wide eyes. You know what he wants. The option of shagging you at some point in future, if he fancies doing so.

MsDogLady · 08/08/2022 19:28

I also recall the April thread re the missed train, offer to share his room, his sleeping on the floor….until he became “uncomfortable” and moved to the bed…

Swiftie, you are allowing yourself to be played like a fiddle by this experienced cheat. He’s had an agenda from the get-go to set you up as one of his ego massaging FBs. And you’re doing your part to harm and humiliate an innocent woman and her children.

Gather your integrity and shut this down. Stop lapping up the crumbs he is dropping to keep you sweet. Keep a professional distance, and cut out the flirting and personal messaging. He is the office cliché but you don’t have to be.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 08/08/2022 19:36

Why would he contact you on holiday with his wife anyway. I don't really message my friends when I'm on holiday with DH and DD

Foxglovers · 08/08/2022 19:42

Why is everyone on this thread being so awful to the OP? He is the one who is married, lying, cheating, messing people around?
Of course it’s not nice for his wife and family but presumably she doesn’t know them - it’s not for her as a single woman to not sleep with who she wants? He is the one making these choices and clearly perusing it. He’s the awful one.
however, they are right in telling you not to waste your time with him any longer. I hope you haven’t been too hurt by it this far in, just please go on some dates or something with a few other guys and try to forget about him? Tell him that it’s inappropriate for you and him to still be friends, you wish him well etc but it’s not for you.
hope you’re ok!

Icedbannoffee · 08/08/2022 19:44

He's keeping you on the hob in case the chance arises again. You can do lightyears better than this sorry excuse for a man.

TwinklingFairyLightz · 08/08/2022 19:49

BiscuitsNT · 08/08/2022 15:56

He hasn't fallen in love with you. He isn't confused or in turmoil. He is not torn. You are not special. He could and would have done this with others. He wants to make sure he doesn't piss you off enough to tell his wife (keep friends close, keep enemies closer) or to make it awkward at work. He wants his cake and eat it.
He also wants an open door option to have sex with you again but in his little head he thinks if this happens then he's already made it clear to you that he just wants friendship and won't leave his wife so he is grooming you for a FWB situation. He has his nice little family life and good husband image, has his lovely work with no drama, then has an exciting new pussy to fuck and empty his Jaffa in every now and then without her expecting anything serious or long term from him. I hope this helps you understand what 'your married colleague want'.

Spot on.

TwinklingFairyLightz · 08/08/2022 19:50

PawPrintsInMyPansies · 08/08/2022 16:28

You’ve posted about this before. It’s not some great love story.
stop communicating with this man.
get another job.

Thought it sounded familiar 😂

Lalliella · 08/08/2022 21:57

What does he want from you? Why, sex of course.

But what do you want from him? To leave his wife and kids for you? Ain’t never gonna happen.

You need to get real OP. You’re wasting your life on him. Forget him and find someone single.

LooseGoose22 · 08/08/2022 22:23

All the time youre wasting your energy, emotion etc on an attached man who sounds extremely unlikely to leave his marriage (as is common for cheating married men) .... is time you're wasting not being truly open to/motivating to meetings your potential life partner. Time flies, good men get snapped up, you dont want to waste your time and emotion etc on someone like him who's already got his life partner. He doesn't given fk what happens to you, whether you yours.
He's happy to keep you in the line for attention, gratification, possible repeat of sex, possible alternative/back up lined up & waiting should he ever choose to leave his marriage (which he probably won't). Men like him can waste years of women's lives.
There are posters on here who know women who've not met a life partner, whove nog had kids of their own ... waiting around and being strung along in situations like this.

Look out for yourself.

He's certainly looking out for himself.

LooseGoose22 · 08/08/2022 22:27

*He doesn't give a fk what happens to you, whether you meet yours.

It is also worth noting that menbhove had flings often take the softly, softly, gently, gently, gradual, longterm approach to extricating themselves ....because they fear (often correctly) that too sudden or complete a cut off will cause their fling partner to become angry, bitter, unstable etc and go guns blazing, with whatever evidence they have, to their wifey.

LooseGoose22 · 08/08/2022 22:31

There is also the fact that people who have flings get used to contact with their fling partner... the familiarity, the "intimacy", the catching up, the sharing, the support, the attention and validation, the dopamine etc etc and it often takes a long time to break that completely. It could be that too.

Crikeyalmighty · 08/08/2022 22:32

@Foxglovers I disagree with that. The bloke is a scumbag to treat his wife like that yes -- but it takes two. As far as I'm aware the OP knew he was married , so yes -she can sleep with the who the hell she likes but is hardly going to find a lot of sympathy on a site with mainly women by asking 'what is he after' - when to most of us- it's pretty obvious and she was more than happy to oblige.

CandyLeBonBon · 08/08/2022 22:41

Are you sure you're old enough to have a job?

shedheaven · 08/08/2022 22:49

Tell his wife. That'll sort things out

AnyFucker · 08/08/2022 23:00

Embarrassing …

Aikko · 08/08/2022 23:04

BiscuitsNT · 08/08/2022 15:56

He hasn't fallen in love with you. He isn't confused or in turmoil. He is not torn. You are not special. He could and would have done this with others. He wants to make sure he doesn't piss you off enough to tell his wife (keep friends close, keep enemies closer) or to make it awkward at work. He wants his cake and eat it.
He also wants an open door option to have sex with you again but in his little head he thinks if this happens then he's already made it clear to you that he just wants friendship and won't leave his wife so he is grooming you for a FWB situation. He has his nice little family life and good husband image, has his lovely work with no drama, then has an exciting new pussy to fuck and empty his Jaffa in every now and then without her expecting anything serious or long term from him. I hope this helps you understand what 'your married colleague want'.

100%

Is this some kind of joke thread?

Canabelievethis · 08/08/2022 23:05

You're either incredibly naive/stupid OP or on here insensitively to rub salt in the wound by telling of your situation you just 'fell into' with a colleague! Next you'll be posting he's your soul mate (eye roll) - yuck just yuck.

Are you unable for some reason to respect the fact the guy is married!! Get some self esteem whilst at it as you are just a shag to him in the disguise of friendship and flattery. To his wife and family he is their world.

Many will say it is all on him and of course you are not responsible for his actions but by showing him you are a willing participent, you are colluding with him to cheat on his wife and risk breaking up his family.

Women like you with poor boundaries and the need for frivolous flattery from disgusting shallow man of no integrity are the reason wives (like me) end up with PTSD, our kids without the home and family life they once knew and a promised future in tatters.

Now grow up, realise he is your boss, 10 years senior and merely chancing his luck whilst at work but is now otherwise occupied on holiday with his WIFE and FAMILY (as he should be). Lets hope he has seen sense and blown you out!

Why don't you send him this mumsnet post of yours, so he can read what we all think of cheats?

Tombero · 08/08/2022 23:13

Are you the poster who felt sick so went to his hotel room for a chat or back rub or something, but accidentally ended up having sex? If so,you had good advice on that thread. This won’t end well, take matters into your own hands and move on.

Azandme · 08/08/2022 23:15

"...but I can’t help feel that conversation sometimes crosses the line."

The conversation? The line you pole vaulted over when you shagged him? Twice?

Hiddenvoice · 08/08/2022 23:15

Sorry op but I’m sure I’ve read some of your other posts where lots of posters have commented saying to stay away from this man.
He wants you as a fuck buddy, he wants to use you and have you stay latched onto him but he won’t leave his wife. He will tell you things are not good in his relationship, will probably say they don’t sleep together and haven’t for months. Will claim she moans at him and agrees the relationship is over but they stay together for the kids- etc but it’s all lies. He won’t leave his wife unless she finds out the truth. He just likes the idea of having a younger woman around.
Of course he only phones you when she’s not around.
you know this is wrong, you are ruining a marriage but you are continuing to engage with him. You are hoping he leaves his wife for you and tells you he loves you but sadly I don’t think he respects you. I’m not saying this to be mean but one day you need to realise that you’re putting your whole life on hold for a man that will never commit to you.
His poor wife doesn’t deserve this. Try putting yourself in her shoes and think about the hurt she would feel if she found out.
Hopefully this woman finds out and throws him out. Then he will claim you are crazy, you won’t leave him alone and it’s you chasing him. He will tell her he was worried about your sanity and was only talking to you to make sure you were safe and not going to hurt yourself.

Im not saying any of this to be mean but you’re a grown up, you have responsibility for your actions and you are actively choosing to ruin a marriage.

OldFan · 08/08/2022 23:18

because you are an easy shag with no morals. Is that not obvious?

Failed to properly quote on the above so, once again: That's a fucking horrible thing to say. Wind your neck in.

It's objective. I've been in OP's position and how I acted wasn't ok. Which isn't to say she has no morals in all areas of her life- just this area at this moment in time.

But she can stop doing this stuff and resolve not to again.

Summerfun54321 · 08/08/2022 23:23

OP it doesn’t really matter what he wants. It really only matters what you want and it shouldn’t be him.

FKATondelayo · 08/08/2022 23:26

Every time there is a thread themed "I am so confused by this man" - the answer ALWAYS ALWAYS is "He wants an occasional NSA shag." EVERY TIME.

There is nothing confusing about this. It's the oldest play in the book.