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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What does my married colleague want?

108 replies

Swiftie2022 · 08/08/2022 15:41

I slept with my colleague on two separate business trips. The second time he said he had too much to risk losing - he has kids and feels like a bad Father.

We said we would be friends - he particularly stressed he wanted this to be the case because it’s not just physical.

We chat a fair bit both during and outside of working hours but I can’t help feel that conversation sometimes crosses the line. Also realistically why does a man 10 years older than me want to be my friend? He’s sent me screenshots about his vasectomy etc and I thought you would avoid any subject like that given our history.

the other day he knew I was upset by a colleague so offered to ring me when he was driving to collect friends - was this because then his wife wouldn’t know? He asked me for book recommendations for his holiday but I haven’t heard from him since he got there.

I just feel very confused about what he wants and is getting out of this weird situation of still flirting and joking but nothing physical. Is it an emotional affair territory, or is he just using me to get an ego boost to feel desirable? Or is he just trying to keep me warm incase he changes his mind?

OP posts:
SheldonesqueTheBstard · 08/08/2022 16:31

What does your married colleague want?

His Nat King love. He wants his Nat King.

Like ye have tae ask.

theonlygirl · 08/08/2022 16:38

This post cannot be for real, surely no one is this dim?

butterflied · 08/08/2022 16:39

Is this the one where you missed a train and ended up in his hotel room and bed?

IncompleteSenten · 08/08/2022 16:41

Seriously?

What does your married colleague who has already fucked you want and why is he telling you about his vasectomy?

It's a real mystery alright. Whatever could he want? I've no clue. 🙄

BloodAndFire · 08/08/2022 16:42

It's still the summer holidays, people.

CornishTiger · 08/08/2022 16:44

BiscuitsNT · 08/08/2022 15:56

He hasn't fallen in love with you. He isn't confused or in turmoil. He is not torn. You are not special. He could and would have done this with others. He wants to make sure he doesn't piss you off enough to tell his wife (keep friends close, keep enemies closer) or to make it awkward at work. He wants his cake and eat it.
He also wants an open door option to have sex with you again but in his little head he thinks if this happens then he's already made it clear to you that he just wants friendship and won't leave his wife so he is grooming you for a FWB situation. He has his nice little family life and good husband image, has his lovely work with no drama, then has an exciting new pussy to fuck and empty his Jaffa in every now and then without her expecting anything serious or long term from him. I hope this helps you understand what 'your married colleague want'.

All of this. Plus to be the poor victim in it all no doubt found you unresistible and is in deep turmoil. Nope he knew what he was doing and is hoovering you back in for more.

dottiedodah · 08/08/2022 16:46

You sound quite young OP and innocent.Men like this who are married with a family, want to prove they have still got "it"and will try and persuade pretty young girls of this.AVOID him .hes bad news .Look for a nice unattached guy .Maybe change of job too? One of 2 scenarios await you .1 / Married guy has all hols ,trips ,family life .You are waiting in the wings for some crumbs to come your way .Hes never at the "right" time to leave his wife.Maybe see you back here in 5 years?.. 2/OK he leaves his wife and DC for you. Stepchildren EOW ,payments etc. Look on here for posts about how that goes .No DC for you as hes had his snip! You are worth so much more than this .Get out now while you can .Dont waste some of your best years waiting for this loser!

youlightupmyday · 08/08/2022 16:47

He is attracted to you and wants sex with you. However he does not want anything else and is cheating on his wife to do so. Very unattractive. You need to wise up and dump.

BlessedBeTheFruitCake · 08/08/2022 16:48

He wants his cake and eat it too.
he’s using you for a bit of fun on the side of his mundane home life. He won’t leave his wife. Ever.

Teddeh · 08/08/2022 17:14

How closely do you work with this person?

If he's a direct colleage (or vendor or client) who you interact with daily and/or depend on to get your work done, tell him politely that you need to limit contact to necessary work-related interactions for both your sakes, and do that. If he contact you for something else, even if it's work related but not essential (like asking advice or gossiping about a colleague), don't respond. If he leads the conversation into personal areas, end the conversation. Be ruthless.

If he's your boss, do the above and also ask to be reassigned whenever there's a suitable job (not a step down) available in another department, and ask him to support you in that request.

If he's a collegue you don't work with directly or someone from a different organisation (not your vendor or client), tell him politely you think no contact is best for both of you unless work-related contact is needed in the future, and stick to that.

DON'T screw yourself over by taking a worse job to get away from him, or declining opportunities (like a business trip or conference) because he'll be there. If anything, he should be limiting himself as he is the one with the marriage to think about, and if he is a senior colleage who impacts your work he is also potentially in the wrong ethically and professionally for that reason.

And yes, he's arranging his contact with you around times when his wife will not find out about it. At work, on his commute, on a business trip, while out "running errands" on the weekends, while out with friends or at a friend's house without his wife and kids, whenever his wife/family have gone out and left him at home alone (he'll hang up in seconds if they come back unexpectedly) , even late at night when he thinks his family is asleep. It's (or should I say HE IS) the oldest cliché in the book. DON'T let him make you into a cliché too.
I

blacksax · 08/08/2022 17:26

STOP messing about with married men. I'd go further than that.

STOP messing about with married work colleagues.

Everybody at work will know. You will be the talk of the staff room, and not in a good way. It won't damage his reputation, but it will certainly have already damaged yours.

For crying out loud, just put a stop to it, once and for all.

Cheminaufaules · 08/08/2022 17:31

Extremely unlikely he will change his mind after his comment about having too much to lose.
Make sure you get an STD check OP.

SleepingStandingUp · 08/08/2022 17:32

Also presumably the vasectomy chat is so he can have sex without a condom

KettrickenSmiled · 08/08/2022 17:33

What does my married colleague want?
I just feel very confused about what he wants

I'm far more confused by you than by your colleague OP.
What on earth is in it for you with this inappropriate relationship?
Why are you focused on what your married colleague wants?
What do YOU want?

Sorry - that last one was a trick question.
IF what you want is more of this man's time & "friendship" & equivocating on & on with his destablising "oh i want to shag you but we mustn't because I will feel guilty, but obviously not guilty enough to do the decent thing & let you out of my life" bullshit ... you are signing yourself up for nothing but more bullshit & unhappiness. For your self-esteem to take a bashing, & keep on taking it, ad infinitum. To try & comfort yourself with the scraps from another woman's marriage. To expose yourself to career-jeopardising gossip & ridicule from your colleagues.

So ... that can't be what you really want, can it?

What you want is to have the respect of your colleagues, the trust of your seniors, & to develop enough self-respect to stop pulling married men.
So make that happen.
Don't allow this man to pretend to be your friend.
Tell him that won't work for you, you are sorry you both made this inappropriate & embarrassing mistake, but that you have learned from it & no longer wish to engage with him.

Then just keep things cordial & professional in the workplace.
And next time you fancy a shag, choose a man who is not 1) married 2) your colleague. There are plenty of them about. No need to make a spectacle of yourself with an unavailable shag-buddy.

Idontknowwhattothink · 08/08/2022 18:03

SleepingStandingUp · 08/08/2022 15:57

Why does having sex with a married man depend on him changing this mind? That implies you'd be up for more sex if he would just agree. Where's your own boundaries and standards?

He's enjoying knowing you're sat around waiting for him to bestow his mighty penis on you.

This made me laugh.

Come on OP, you can do better than this. He isn't interested beyond some distraction / ego massaging now and again.

CanofCant · 08/08/2022 18:07

butterflied · 08/08/2022 16:39

Is this the one where you missed a train and ended up in his hotel room and bed?

Yeah, I reckon it is.

Annabananna1 · 08/08/2022 18:10

He's not interested enough to make a proper affair out of it. But wants to have the option to go back for more sex if at some point he wants to.
Men like this often have several 'options'. Be careful. Get an STI test and definitely don't get too invested.

iklboo · 08/08/2022 18:20

Jesus tonight.

Celia24 · 08/08/2022 18:27

I agree with @blacksax. I'm 30, have had a few near missed over the years with married men coming on to me.

This is about you (your own dignity, self worth and how you regard yourself which is important, sisterhood (not everyone agrees with this, but I do believe in not wrecking another woman's relationship) and finally about your reputation in the workplace. I'd think very carefully op, like I said I've had near misses, but in the end resisted. Now I'm thriving at work with an untainted reputation.

Find someone single and forget him.

ecuse · 08/08/2022 18:44

That's a fucking horrible thing to say. Wind your neck in.

ecuse · 08/08/2022 18:47

Dartmoorcheffy · 08/08/2022 15:55

Also realistically why does a man 10 years older than me want to be my friend? because you are an easy shag with no morals. Is that not obvious?

Failed to properly quote on the above so, once again:

That's a fucking horrible thing to say. Wind your neck in.

(But, OP, everyone else on the thread is right. He's keeping you warm and is an enormous twat. Run a mile.)

35965a · 08/08/2022 18:48

ecuse · 08/08/2022 18:47

Failed to properly quote on the above so, once again:

That's a fucking horrible thing to say. Wind your neck in.

(But, OP, everyone else on the thread is right. He's keeping you warm and is an enormous twat. Run a mile.)

Show quote history

It’s harsh but it isn’t exactly wrong is it?

ecuse · 08/08/2022 18:53

No need for that sort of personal attack. He's the one married with kids, not her.

KettrickenSmiled · 08/08/2022 18:56

ecuse · 08/08/2022 18:53

No need for that sort of personal attack. He's the one married with kids, not her.

She's the one compromising her career & reputation, not him.

Better she hear that in the safety of an anonymous forum, than directly from her work peers. Or HR.

ecuse · 08/08/2022 19:02

Well done everyone who never did something ill-advised with an older manipulative dickhead.

The OP absolutely needs warning off - and indeed she came here for advice. She doesn't need personal insults and being told she's loose with no morals. FFS.