He is still using Bumble after two months of dating

Fallingslowly26 · 2022-08-07T21:15:55+00:00

I have been dating a guy I met on Tinder for two months. He is 33 and I am 29. We have been on 11 dates so far. We started sleeping with each other on date 4. Over two months later, we have met quite a few of each other’s friends and I feel like we are growing closer every time we see each other. however- there is one problem … he is still using Bumble. I know this because his location keeps updating. So if he goes away for a weekend etc, the location will change to wherever he is. the location changed most days. we haven’t had a talk about exclusivity - but I perhaps naively assumed that we both felt the same about each other. Anyway - I mentioned the bumble situation to him the other day and said I have noticed he is still active on the app, and pointed out that I have put my app on pause. He shut down the conversation and I haven’t heard from him since. I’d like to see someone who is not keeping me around as an option and the fact he refused to discuss this with me has really upset me. Was I wrong to assume that after two months of seeing me , he wouldn’t be interested in online dating anymore? Is an ‘exclusivity’ conversation always required in these situations?

easylisten · 07/08/2022 22:21

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Mysteriousnotice · 07/08/2022 22:26

Think you've got your answer if you haven't heard from him.
His loss.

Dotcheck · 07/08/2022 22:27

Maybe your morals aren’t aligned

RustySwitchblade · 07/08/2022 22:28

You are not wrong at all! If he wasn’t looking for an exclusive relationship, then he should have made that clear.

that’s one of the positives about OLD, you can be much more open and upfront about relationship preferences than when you meet someone IRL

no wonder you are upset. I’d also be really upset that he won’t even discuss it with you. This was his opportunity to say he wasn’t looking for anything serious rather than blanking you.

on the plus side, at least you know now and don’t need to waste anymore time on someone who doesn’t deserve you. You can now get back on dating apps and find someone with integrity. Onwards and upwards! And good luck x

LastWordsOfALiar · 07/08/2022 22:34

You're not wrong. I personally think, at the stage you're regularly sleeping together, unless stated otherwise, both people should assume it's exclusive.

Hes an immature idiot.

Original poster

Fallingslowly26 · 07/08/2022 23:26

LastWordsOfALiar · 07/08/2022 22:34

You're not wrong. I personally think, at the stage you're regularly sleeping together, unless stated otherwise, both people should assume it's exclusive.

Hes an immature idiot.

This is what I have always thought. However, I have spoken to a few friends who argue that he isn’t doing anything wrong unless you have specifically ‘defined’ the relationship…

OP posts:

Original poster

Fallingslowly26 · 07/08/2022 23:28

RustySwitchblade · 07/08/2022 22:28

You are not wrong at all! If he wasn’t looking for an exclusive relationship, then he should have made that clear.

that’s one of the positives about OLD, you can be much more open and upfront about relationship preferences than when you meet someone IRL

no wonder you are upset. I’d also be really upset that he won’t even discuss it with you. This was his opportunity to say he wasn’t looking for anything serious rather than blanking you.

on the plus side, at least you know now and don’t need to waste anymore time on someone who doesn’t deserve you. You can now get back on dating apps and find someone with integrity. Onwards and upwards! And good luck x

the funny thing is, he did actually stare upfront that he was looking for a serious relationship. Which reassured me to start with. But his actions just seem to indicate me hasn’t found what he wants with me and is the search is still very much on.

The fact he won’t discuss it with me is the most upsetting thing of all. I have tried messaging him again tonight and he has continued to ignore me.

OP posts:

Lamaze990 · 07/08/2022 23:31

He is keeping his options open.

rnsaslkih · 07/08/2022 23:33

Send him a message saying it’s over.

in your situation, I’d think it pretty obvious that it should be exclusive with or without a conversation.

the fact that he’s ignored you bringing it up is worrying. He sounds like my BIL - a man who doesn’t do “ear ache” ie having a GF/DP pull him up on crappy behaviour or try to discuss a problem. My BIL shags anything with a pulse.

Heroicallyl0st · 07/08/2022 23:36

Why don’t you focus on what you want? Do you want someone who’ll have an open and reassuring conversation about this issue? Because he can’t/won’t, so he probably isn’t really the guy for you.

Original poster

Fallingslowly26 · 07/08/2022 23:47

rnsaslkih · 07/08/2022 23:33

Send him a message saying it’s over.

in your situation, I’d think it pretty obvious that it should be exclusive with or without a conversation.

the fact that he’s ignored you bringing it up is worrying. He sounds like my BIL - a man who doesn’t do “ear ache” ie having a GF/DP pull him up on crappy behaviour or try to discuss a problem. My BIL shags anything with a pulse.

Yep the ignoring me just feels cruel. He probably wants to avoid all the drama but I really want an explanation from him otherwise I feel like I can’t move on

OP posts:

Original poster

Fallingslowly26 · 07/08/2022 23:48

Heroicallyl0st · 07/08/2022 23:36

Why don’t you focus on what you want? Do you want someone who’ll have an open and reassuring conversation about this issue? Because he can’t/won’t, so he probably isn’t really the guy for you.

Very true . OLD can be very anxiety inducing at times and I really only wanted validation and reassurance from him by bringing up this topic , but the opposite has happened unfortunately. I thought he was everything I was looking for, but the inability to have an adult conversation is pretty concerning.

OP posts:

Celia24 · 07/08/2022 23:50

This happened to me. Actually I saw he uploaded a new profile photo after 2 months.

I ended up dumping him.

Original poster

Fallingslowly26 · 07/08/2022 23:53

Celia24 · 07/08/2022 23:50

This happened to me. Actually I saw he uploaded a new profile photo after 2 months.

I ended up dumping him.

That’s pretty crappy. Did he admit to still going on dates with others?

OP posts:

Annoyedwithmyself · 08/08/2022 00:08

I'd send a message tomorrow confirming that things are over if he's ignoring you. The least he should be doing is discussing it, even if he does not agree that exclusivity should be assumed.

In future, if you carry on OLD, don't assume anything. I would always say before having sex, 'I don't want to sleep together yet if there is anyone else on the scene or if you are still looking. Where do you stand on that?'. I agree that if you are sleeping together and meeting friends and have both said you want a long term relationship then that would normally assume you are getting serious therefore exclusive. OLD is a bit of a law unto itself though so it's best to aim for complete clarity until you know someone well.

ManAboutTown · 08/08/2022 00:12

I predate OLD but if i was sleeping with someone I was dating (as opposed to a ONS) I would presume it is exclusive (Gawd these C21 phrases).

2 months is quite a fair time and I think you are well within your rights to insist on him getting off the sites. If he doesn't want to then that tells you something

LotsOf · 08/08/2022 00:45

Honestly he sounds like a jerk.

He hasn’t answered you because what could he say???!!!!

He’s been caught out and there’s no innocent explanation and he can’t think of a convincing one quick enough.

madasawethen · 08/08/2022 00:47

the funny thing is, he did actually stare upfront that he was looking for a serious relationship. Which reassured me to start with.

ALL men on OLD will say this as you wouldn't have gone out with him if he was honest and said he was looking for regular sex and some companionship.

I always say, expect men OLD are lying 100% of the time and you'll never be disappointed.

I know when you're used to being honest with others, you expect them to be honest too but for men the majority are liars looking to get laid.

ouch321 · 08/08/2022 00:52

Fallingslowly26 · 07/08/2022 23:26

This is what I have always thought. However, I have spoken to a few friends who argue that he isn’t doing anything wrong unless you have specifically ‘defined’ the relationship…

Show quote history

Load of crap.

The assumption is and should be once you meet someone that's it. You don't have a back up that you're 'running' alongside your other half just in case you get bored.

Said this before but this change in dating that people are trying to push in the past few years is just nasty and just another way society just gets crappier and crappier.

Original poster

Fallingslowly26 · 08/08/2022 01:08

Annoyedwithmyself · 08/08/2022 00:08

I'd send a message tomorrow confirming that things are over if he's ignoring you. The least he should be doing is discussing it, even if he does not agree that exclusivity should be assumed.

In future, if you carry on OLD, don't assume anything. I would always say before having sex, 'I don't want to sleep together yet if there is anyone else on the scene or if you are still looking. Where do you stand on that?'. I agree that if you are sleeping together and meeting friends and have both said you want a long term relationship then that would normally assume you are getting serious therefore exclusive. OLD is a bit of a law unto itself though so it's best to aim for complete clarity until you know someone well.

I think I will message him tomorrow to confirm it’s over if I haven’t heard anything. This has all come out of the blue. Feel so disappointed and let down.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fallingslowly26 · 08/08/2022 01:12

ManAboutTown · 08/08/2022 00:12

I predate OLD but if i was sleeping with someone I was dating (as opposed to a ONS) I would presume it is exclusive (Gawd these C21 phrases).

2 months is quite a fair time and I think you are well within your rights to insist on him getting off the sites. If he doesn't want to then that tells you something

Part of me thought the logging into Bumble was part of his own insecurities. That he thought maybe I was still on the app too, so was doing the same as me. But the fact he has completely shut me out when I’ve brought it up indicates that he has probably been proactively using it to meet/date others

OP posts:

Original poster

Fallingslowly26 · 08/08/2022 01:14

madasawethen · 08/08/2022 00:47

the funny thing is, he did actually stare upfront that he was looking for a serious relationship. Which reassured me to start with.

ALL men on OLD will say this as you wouldn't have gone out with him if he was honest and said he was looking for regular sex and some companionship.

I always say, expect men OLD are lying 100% of the time and you'll never be disappointed.

I know when you're used to being honest with others, you expect them to be honest too but for men the majority are liars looking to get laid.

Although I’ve been let down by men on OLD so so many times, I still remain optimistic whenever I meet a guy that they’re somehow going to be different. Unfortunately not! This one seemed so caring and genuine and I feel like I can’t process the fact that he’s not who I thought he was - and is a liar like the majority of guys I’ve come across on the apps!

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 08/08/2022 01:35

It's very clear it's over and that he was only after sex. Don't message him again, you already know it's done. Maintain your dignity. It will just look desperate and pathetic to keep chasing him for a response when you already know the answer.

Original poster

Fallingslowly26 · 08/08/2022 06:11

Aquamarine1029 · 08/08/2022 01:35

It's very clear it's over and that he was only after sex. Don't message him again, you already know it's done. Maintain your dignity. It will just look desperate and pathetic to keep chasing him for a response when you already know the answer.

I don’t know why he has been putting so much effort in over the past couple of months if he was just after sex. Meeting my friends, making an effort with them, planning fun dates. Texting me a lot every day and taking a real interest in me and what I have been doing every day. I would have thought he would have bailed out earlier than this if he was just after a hook up.

OP posts:

TedMullins · 08/08/2022 06:18

I actually don’t agree that you should assume it’s exclusive without asking. I wouldn’t want someone assuming exclusivity with me after only a couple of dates (I know you’ve had many more than that OP but I’m talking generally).

However, you did bring up the topic and his reaction is very telling. If he can’t have an honest conversation about it then he likely can’t be trusted. Stop hanging on for validation or an explanation - it isn’t worth it. He doesn’t meet your needs, and that’s all that matters. Dump him.