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Original poster

He is still using Bumble after two months of dating

119 replies

Fallingslowly26 · 07/08/2022 22:15

I have been dating a guy I met on Tinder for two months. He is 33 and I am 29. We have been on 11 dates so far. We started sleeping with each other on date 4.

Over two months later, we have met quite a few of each other’s friends and I feel like we are growing closer every time we see each other.

however- there is one problem … he is still using Bumble. I know this because his location keeps updating. So if he goes away for a weekend etc, the location will change to wherever he is. the location changed most days.

we haven’t had a talk about exclusivity - but I perhaps naively assumed that we both felt the same about each other.

Anyway - I mentioned the bumble situation to him the other day and said I have noticed he is still active on the app, and pointed out that I have put my app on pause. He shut down the conversation and I haven’t heard from him since.

I’d like to see someone who is not keeping me around as an option and the fact he refused to discuss this with me has really upset me.

Was I wrong to assume that after two months of seeing me , he wouldn’t be interested in online dating anymore? Is an ‘exclusivity’ conversation always required in these situations?

OP posts:
Original poster
Fallingslowly26 · 08/08/2022 06:53

TedMullins · 08/08/2022 06:18

I actually don’t agree that you should assume it’s exclusive without asking. I wouldn’t want someone assuming exclusivity with me after only a couple of dates (I know you’ve had many more than that OP but I’m talking generally).

However, you did bring up the topic and his reaction is very telling. If he can’t have an honest conversation about it then he likely can’t be trusted. Stop hanging on for validation or an explanation - it isn’t worth it. He doesn’t meet your needs, and that’s all that matters. Dump him.

Yep, the reaction is very disappointing. I would prefer for him just to admit that he’s seeing others/is open to dating others at the moment rather than radio silence.

If he is still wanting to date other people, it would be a deal breaker for me as after two months, you should know whether you see it going anywhere with the person or not. But until I hear anything from him, I am just going to be confused about what is happening and where it all went wrong.

OP posts:
MrsMontyD · 08/08/2022 07:09

Unfortunately, discussing where you are in a relationship is essential now, not just ones that start with OLD, without an open conversation and agreement there's no obligation for the other person to come off apps and stop talking to our dating other people.

You can't just assume exclusivity now its not how dating works. Its awkward but it removes any ambiguity and can be a good basis for a relationship with good communication.

Original poster
Fallingslowly26 · 08/08/2022 07:20

MrsMontyD · 08/08/2022 07:09

Unfortunately, discussing where you are in a relationship is essential now, not just ones that start with OLD, without an open conversation and agreement there's no obligation for the other person to come off apps and stop talking to our dating other people.

You can't just assume exclusivity now its not how dating works. Its awkward but it removes any ambiguity and can be a good basis for a relationship with good communication.

I guess I’m probably a bit old fashioned in my thinking I.e. if two people have really hit it off, seeing each other regularly and starting to integrate into each others lives, then surely there’s no reason to want to date others or see what’s out there? I just had no interest in doing that once I began to feel close to this guy and I foolishly thought he’d be the same.

OP posts:
Ilovemycat1 · 08/08/2022 08:09

Because he is a dick

They always say they want a relationship then give it 6/8 weeks (so you are right on the timeline) this sort of thing happens

They are usually still on the app, starting to ghost or starting to act weird

It is nothing to do with you and everything to do with the fact they were not looking for a relationship to begin with

I gave up on OLD due this behaviour and the fact I was probably speaking to someone who was currently doing this to a woman. I just could not trust them in the end one bit

The turning point was my friend had been seeing someone for 6/8 weeks and he was starting to act weird (similar to this) she dumped him that morning by text. He knew I was single and then by the end of that day had sent me a message on Hinge (knowing that I was friends with the girl who just dumping him).

The quality of men on OLD is in the gutter so please do not take it personally. You can find good guys on there but they are not the ones still using it after many dates with a woman.

The only couple I know who got married from Tinder was a guy who deleted the app after one date. Keep your standards so high for OLD as if you give them an inch they take a fucking mile.

FinallyHere · 08/08/2022 08:10

I personally think, at the stage you're regularly sleeping together, unless stated otherwise, both people should assume it's exclusive

While I agree that that would be the ideal position, until you have the conversation, you really don't know.

Assuming anything is likely to mean you each have different views

The whole conversation thing is a lovely part of getting to know someone. Spend that time wisely finding out what they think about things. And keep a very sharp eye open for any inconsistencies between their words and their actions

ThePollutedShadesOfPemberley · 08/08/2022 08:15

Aquamarine1029 · 08/08/2022 01:35

It's very clear it's over and that he was only after sex. Don't message him again, you already know it's done. Maintain your dignity. It will just look desperate and pathetic to keep chasing him for a response when you already know the answer.

This.

Don't tell him it's over, you'll look a right tit. He's already ended it.

ThePollutedShadesOfPemberley · 08/08/2022 08:20

OLD is like a sweetshop though and gives people far more choices. You might have ticked nine out of his ten boxes but for him there's always the 'what if there's a ten out there?'

He has the right to look for a ten. He's wrong to treat you badly in the process. The whole thing is gut churning and awful.

I met my DH this way but early on he said that he had found what he was looking for in me. I wasn't so sure at the time but we have been married 19 years and it's brilliant.

Original poster
Fallingslowly26 · 08/08/2022 08:30

Ilovemycat1 · 08/08/2022 08:09

Because he is a dick

They always say they want a relationship then give it 6/8 weeks (so you are right on the timeline) this sort of thing happens

They are usually still on the app, starting to ghost or starting to act weird

It is nothing to do with you and everything to do with the fact they were not looking for a relationship to begin with

I gave up on OLD due this behaviour and the fact I was probably speaking to someone who was currently doing this to a woman. I just could not trust them in the end one bit

The turning point was my friend had been seeing someone for 6/8 weeks and he was starting to act weird (similar to this) she dumped him that morning by text. He knew I was single and then by the end of that day had sent me a message on Hinge (knowing that I was friends with the girl who just dumping him).

The quality of men on OLD is in the gutter so please do not take it personally. You can find good guys on there but they are not the ones still using it after many dates with a woman.

The only couple I know who got married from Tinder was a guy who deleted the app after one date. Keep your standards so high for OLD as if you give them an inch they take a fucking mile.

It genuinely never ceases to amaze me the behaviour of guys on there. This guy seemed so genuine and sweet and I am so gutted after everything that he appears to want to have his cake and eat it . :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Fallingslowly26 · 08/08/2022 08:34

ThePollutedShadesOfPemberley · 08/08/2022 08:20

OLD is like a sweetshop though and gives people far more choices. You might have ticked nine out of his ten boxes but for him there's always the 'what if there's a ten out there?'

He has the right to look for a ten. He's wrong to treat you badly in the process. The whole thing is gut churning and awful.

I met my DH this way but early on he said that he had found what he was looking for in me. I wasn't so sure at the time but we have been married 19 years and it's brilliant.

Yes I think everyone has the right to look for the perfect match for them! If I am not what he is looking for, he is perfectly within his rights to be looking elsewhere - I would just rather he communicated this with me rather than stringing me along and continuing to meet my friends/have sex with me

OP posts:
minticecreamisjustok · 08/08/2022 08:37

His response tells you everything, he doesn't want a relationship.
It's really shitty of him but I guess you really don't know anyones intentions unless you ask.
If he has the cheek of still wanting to see you after this, just bin him or block.

Original poster
Fallingslowly26 · 08/08/2022 08:43

minticecreamisjustok · 08/08/2022 08:37

His response tells you everything, he doesn't want a relationship.
It's really shitty of him but I guess you really don't know anyones intentions unless you ask.
If he has the cheek of still wanting to see you after this, just bin him or block.

Yeah , usually I have a gut feeling about peoples intentions. My gut feeling about his was that he was into me and wanted to integrate more into my life, and that’s why he was so charming with my friends and so caring towards me. But was definitely wrong this time and it’s very painful!

OP posts:
ganvough · 08/08/2022 08:52

He shut down the conversation and I haven’t heard from him since.

This is why you have dodged a bullet. It doesn't matter if your expectations were reasonable or not, his inability to listen to you, communicate with you and care about your feelings make him a bad bet.

You did nothing wrong. You had needs and wants, you communicated them. If he can't even discuss them, he's not bf material. Communication is the most important thing in any sort of relationship. I would have done the same as you - 2 months in, asked about exclusivity and expected him to be on the same page. Everyone I ever dated on OLD was happy to delete the apps at the 2 month app, otherwise why would I waste time on someone I'm not sure about.

Original poster
Fallingslowly26 · 08/08/2022 09:08

ganvough · 08/08/2022 08:52

He shut down the conversation and I haven’t heard from him since.

This is why you have dodged a bullet. It doesn't matter if your expectations were reasonable or not, his inability to listen to you, communicate with you and care about your feelings make him a bad bet.

You did nothing wrong. You had needs and wants, you communicated them. If he can't even discuss them, he's not bf material. Communication is the most important thing in any sort of relationship. I would have done the same as you - 2 months in, asked about exclusivity and expected him to be on the same page. Everyone I ever dated on OLD was happy to delete the apps at the 2 month app, otherwise why would I waste time on someone I'm not sure about.

You are right. If he can’t communicate over the slightest thing like this, what hope do I have for later down the line with tougher conversations that might come up . He has just stonewalled me and refused to communicate. I have still heard nothing from him since Friday so I actually think I may have been ghosted completely! Now I feel stupid having told most of my friends about how excited I was to have finally met someone great. :(

OP posts:
Ilovemycat1 · 08/08/2022 09:15

He has the right to look for a ten.

😂

Come the fuck on. Most Men hardly have the ability to wash their arse or own more than one outfit, those are the better ones. The majority are bastards.

No wonder so many womans have self esteem in the gutter.

Ilovemycat1 · 08/08/2022 09:19

@Fallingslowly26

You have been ghosted

Please do not send a single message more to him
He will only screenshot it and send it to his friends for a laugh
Just block and move on

Glass of wine and TLC for yourself for the next couple of weeks

You have done nothing wrong but believe what was infront of you

He is a 33 year old MAN - believe me when I say he is fully cooked and he will be doing the same shite over and over again until he decides to 'settle down' and this will be a wife he probably cheats on

Inthesameboatatmo · 08/08/2022 09:19

Men lie to get a shag. The amount of men I've come across OLD stating they are looking for serious relationship when they clearly aren't is joke. Let him get on with it ,dont text him keep some dignity. It's his loss not yours

butterflied · 08/08/2022 09:20

You can't assume exclusivity, but he's a bastard for ignoring you, and therefore you should dump and move on.

Original poster
Fallingslowly26 · 08/08/2022 09:27

@Ilovemycat1 Yes, he’s not a guy in his early 20s. At 33 he should be behaving more maturely. I dread to think the amount of women he has done the same thing to. Get involved in some sort of pseudo-relationship before running a mile when the idea of exclusivity is broached. It’s bizarre but also extremely hurtful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fallingslowly26 · 08/08/2022 09:29

@Ilovemycat1 It’s hard to maintain a high self esteem when you have men acting as though you are something special to them, when really it’s just a facade and you’re there to pass the time. And then can’t be bothered to explain themselves either or even apologise for messing you about.

OP posts:
Ilovemycat1 · 08/08/2022 09:32

Fallingslowly26 · 08/08/2022 09:27

@Ilovemycat1 Yes, he’s not a guy in his early 20s. At 33 he should be behaving more maturely. I dread to think the amount of women he has done the same thing to. Get involved in some sort of pseudo-relationship before running a mile when the idea of exclusivity is broached. It’s bizarre but also extremely hurtful.

Do not see it as hurtful as it is not personal to you

If I was on Bumble in your area he could have swiped on me and did the exact same thing - I would not have known he was two months into a situationship. He was probably in one or just ended one when you met.

I used to make posts on a different forum when doing OLD being woe is me - after unwittingly being involved with yet another married man from OLD. One poster said to me 'they send the same message out to ten woman a day - you just replied, thats all you did wrong' and the penny dropped.

In my opinion men over 33 on dating apps are usually someones abusive ex or someones current abusive partner. Those are 80-90% of them. Its just a numbers game.

Please do not ruminate over it too much. Feel sorry for the next woman.

Ilovemycat1 · 08/08/2022 09:33

Fallingslowly26 · 08/08/2022 09:29

@Ilovemycat1 It’s hard to maintain a high self esteem when you have men acting as though you are something special to them, when really it’s just a facade and you’re there to pass the time. And then can’t be bothered to explain themselves either or even apologise for messing you about.

You can maintain high self esteem by not relying on these pathetic users from OLD to validate it.

Whitehorsegirl · 08/08/2022 09:39

''He shut down the conversation and I haven’t heard from him since.''

Unfortunately you have your answer. He was happy to have dates with you and sleep with you but did not consider you as a long-term, exclusive relationship material.

Many of these men will be charming and attentive to keep you interested but that does not necessarily translate in real feelings or a wish for something more permanent. They might say they are looking for a relationship on their profile, it might not even be true or it does not automatically mean that relationship will be with you...

At least you have now found him out and won't be wasting anymore of your time on him.

Maybe women need to do the same thing: date multiple men until they find someone they want to be exclusive with and who is on the same page. Never assume that a man is only dating you without discussing it, especially with OLD.

Ilovemycat1 · 08/08/2022 09:41

Also take salvage in the fact I a few years older than you. The guys who went on like at his age are still on these apps in their late 30s - doing the same thing pouncing on new meat.

They do not reincarnate - they just stay on dating apps doing the same thing over and over.

Sadly I know one guy like this in his mid 30s who went on like this - he is an alcoholic who just lost his job. Drug user too. So deep down they are not happy to be treating the woman the way they do.

Original poster
Fallingslowly26 · 08/08/2022 09:41

Ilovemycat1 · 08/08/2022 09:33

You can maintain high self esteem by not relying on these pathetic users from OLD to validate it.

Show quote history

I don’t think most people who are doing the whole OLD thing rely on it for validation of their self esteem. But after getting let down time and time again it does start bringing you down and making you question whether there’s something wrong with you to make people feel they can treat you in this way!

OP posts:
Original poster
Fallingslowly26 · 08/08/2022 09:44

Whitehorsegirl · 08/08/2022 09:39

''He shut down the conversation and I haven’t heard from him since.''

Unfortunately you have your answer. He was happy to have dates with you and sleep with you but did not consider you as a long-term, exclusive relationship material.

Many of these men will be charming and attentive to keep you interested but that does not necessarily translate in real feelings or a wish for something more permanent. They might say they are looking for a relationship on their profile, it might not even be true or it does not automatically mean that relationship will be with you...

At least you have now found him out and won't be wasting anymore of your time on him.

Maybe women need to do the same thing: date multiple men until they find someone they want to be exclusive with and who is on the same page. Never assume that a man is only dating you without discussing it, especially with OLD.

His actions over the last two months just didn’t suggest he was in it for a temporary thing. Always messaging, being affectionate, checking in on me, doing nice things for me and wanting to spend quality time together. This is is why I feel blindsided. However, I realise that a man who is truly interested in forging a long term relationship won’t still be browsing around on dating apps looking for other options.

OP posts: