He is still using Bumble after two months of dating

[Fallingslowly26]

I have been dating a guy I met on Tinder for two months. He is 33 and I am 29. We have been on 11 dates so far. We started sleeping with each other on date 4.

Over two months later, we have met quite a few of each other’s friends and I feel like we are growing closer every time we see each other.

however- there is one problem … he is still using Bumble. I know this because his location keeps updating. So if he goes away for a weekend etc, the location will change to wherever he is. the location changed most days.

we haven’t had a talk about exclusivity - but I perhaps naively assumed that we both felt the same about each other.

Anyway - I mentioned the bumble situation to him the other day and said I have noticed he is still active on the app, and pointed out that I have put my app on pause. He shut down the conversation and I haven’t heard from him since.

I’d like to see someone who is not keeping me around as an option and the fact he refused to discuss this with me has really upset me.

Was I wrong to assume that after two months of seeing me , he wouldn’t be interested in online dating anymore? Is an ‘exclusivity’ conversation always required in these situations?

ha ha yes, I like that message.

I know there is SO MUCH PRESSURE on women to remain dignified but a middle ground has always suited me better so a message like that is more my style.

I was ghosted after the fourth date once and it really hurt as I thought we'd connected, had a great time, had chemistry et cetera, I did text to say ''ok, so I feel 90% certain we won't be meeting up again but to remove all uncertainty and draw a line under this mistake, I'll just say goodbye.

I felt better after sending it. Didn't get a response but it did feel like ALL hope was gone which was good. I went from the torture of what the fuck to Right this shabby show is over. It was very good for me. ''dignified'' or not.

About a year later I got a wave from him in facebook. In messenger. No words. Just a hand waving. I sent back the emoji of the zombie and that was it.

We met on bumble and so I wasn’t going on another app I didn’t meet him on to check. This was the one. And it wasn’t a short time. It was two months of regular dating and talking every single day. If he is going to be offended by me looking at his profile, then he obviously has something to hide. Otherwise why would he be bothered in the first place. I wouldn’t be offended if someone looked at my profile. I’d take it as a positive sign that they actually cared where this was going.

Ok in your op you said you met on tinder

your op says you met on tinder.

Yeah I didn’t say to him That he was doing anything wrong by continuing to open bumble. I just said I didn’t know where we stood. And he shut down the conversation . That’s the hurtful part. He didn’t promise not to go on apps - we never discussed that - it’s the unwillingness to talk that’s upsetting me.

Sorry that was a typo - we met on bumble and he is still on bumble.

Personally I think once you start having sex with someone, for more than a one, you have the right to know if they are sleeping with other people, or intending to do so. My sexual health is not negotiable and not being open it up front about it leave me open to potential health issues. If you're just 'dating' and no sex is involved but one sex is a regular thing I absolutely think whoever wants to have multiple partners needs to communicate that clearly.

He sounds like a prize prick and you've clearly dodged a bullet. Regardless of any agreement surrounding exclusivity, he should have made it clear he was looking elsewhere.

Ugh. Autocorrect- sorry. Hope that made sense?

The location updates not just when you log in. It also changes if you receive a message.

So if someone was to message me (hell I have hundreds of conversations open) it would change to my current location. I wouldn't even know as I'm not logged in.

It doesn't actually mean he's been on the app

But that aside his reaction is shit. Perfectly acceptable to have a conversation about the situation. His piss poor reaction speaks volumes.

Just wanted to say the above in case it happened again with someone else. It might not be them logging on.

Well - if he’s receiving messages then surely he would have to have matched with someone recently. Or he’s in an ongoing dialogue with someone. If I’m in a sexual relationship with someone, I have a right to know if he’s having sex with others too (or trying to!). Shutting me out when I say I don’t know where we stand is just cruel.

Yep, sexual health is an important consideration. I’m guessing he was just hoping I would never bring it up and he could carry on with this situation for as long as possible.

Tbf opening an app or receive it the odd message does not necessarily equal having sex?!

I dunno. I can only say it from my situation.

I'm lazy. I connect with people. The chat dwindles. I leave it there. I don't block or unmatch. Quite often I get a 'hey you still there' text ages later.

Besides as the bloke surely he could have swiped right on someone ages ago but only be matched up now as the woman has to initiate contact.

Anyway. Gonna leave that there. Like I said his reaction was shit.

But maybe it could have all been perfectly innocent.

Don’t assume anything and take anything said with a pinch of salt. Talk is cheap and all that.

Not necessarily and it could be just something he is doing out of boredom. But he hasn’t engaged in conversation about it. He’s just run away and ignored me rather than explaining where his head is at.

Yes may well have been innocent - I didn’t accuse him of anything - he just won’t talk to me about it and has ghosted so I may never find out what the situation was.

@gogogadgetgo I'm with you. Clearly demonstrated in lazy - don't log out, pause profile or turn off notifications. Don't delete old messages. Leave it for months at a time and I assumed it updated location as I've remained logged in as I'd forgotten all about it til last month when suddenly while in different locations (on holidays) I started getting new notifications that I hadn't done for a while (people love a new face and I'm obviously an old one in my area - one who never responds 😆). Anyway I suppose it comes from being single for a long time and having had these bad experiences in the past. My expectations are low. 2 months is no time at all. I'd probably have a conversation before sleeping together at least after the first time if it was important they weren't sleeping with anyone else. My red flag sensor is high. Someone came to me questioning my profile appearing. Well they were either on the app themselves or checking on me - red flag - next! Ime often they aren't sleeping with several people at a time though. That's all a bit much effort and hard to juggle. Generally these blokes will be besotted with someone for a short while then someone else comes along and they lose interest in the last one. I've not met anyone for ages, can't be bothered anymore but if I did and was looking for something longer term I'd wait a lot longer to sleep with them will weed out those who want sex and the love bombers who lose interest a few weeks down the line in favour of then next one

Love your style there! Sheer class! 😃

The shareholders of OLD apps wish to market online dating as a medium to meet ordinary people and have lasting relationships. I haven't met anyone on OLD as too lazy and disinclined to filter all the losers. However, many people I know in work and social circles have used it, or know someone who has in their family or friendship groups. The OLD adverts are sugar coated to make this seem like a great option for finding the perfect partner, and the reality is somewhat different. The vast majority of users I know are very, very unhappy with the outcomes...cheating, gold digging, abusive or unstable, undisclosed kinks later revealed, feckless people abound in OLD it seems. It is not always about the other person either. Some people feel the need to validate their being by having a partner, whereas no one can be happy dating or in a relationship if they are not happy with their own person first. It is easy to hide behind a computer screen and pretend to be someone different to who you are in real life. There are lots of places to meet people for dating that don't involve tinder etc. While they may not be a perfect match either, at least you can use first impressions, and interaction to weigh them up. Being single is much nicer than being at the whim of men who think you are there at their beck and call for sex, ego-rubbing and their entertainment. www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20210623-the-darkest-side-of-online-dating

There does seem to be a general understanding on OLD among many that dating is assumed to be casual and non exclusive until officially determined otherwise. The default is non exclusive and unless there is a conversation about exclusivity many (men and women) will keep talking to and dating other people. I don't know if it is because so many flake on OLD that over time, the expectation is that it stays casual until there is some determination otherwise or why that is the thinking but even on many relationship type subs on Reddit, I saw that was frequnetly the status quo. People were seen as unreasonable to expect exclusivity without officially discussing it. The consensus seemed to be that if you expect exclusivity from the start, then you put that on your profile - otherwise assume it is not exclusive until you explicitly talk and decide to make it exclusive. Definitely a social norm developing from the mode of dating.

Can't imagine chatting up a guy in a bar and talking about leaving together but telling him to just hang on while you chat up a few more guys!

Surely you'd only know that if you also had bumble?

it does seem to be a bit of a social norm. And yeah, can definitely see why you wouldn’t rush to put all your eggs in one basket early on. But once things start feeling more relationship-like, I.e. you meet their friends, start spending more than once a week with them, it would then just feel unnatural to me to still be scouting out other options. Appreciate others think very differently though.

We met on bumble, and my profile is on pause so I cant swipe on anyone/they can’t swipe on me and nobody can see my location. You can just see people you’ve messaged in the past. But if I go on his profile, his location is frequently updating as he moves around. Indicating he is still an active user.

I do hear of loads of success stories. I’m going to two OLD wedding next month! But I haven’t had much luck in finding a solid, genuine relationship with somebody who wants to fully commit.

I feel like options about where to meet people seem to be limited at the moment. Most of my friends are coupled up and hang out with other couples.