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Original poster

He is still using Bumble after two months of dating

119 replies

Fallingslowly26 · 07/08/2022 22:15

I have been dating a guy I met on Tinder for two months. He is 33 and I am 29. We have been on 11 dates so far. We started sleeping with each other on date 4.

Over two months later, we have met quite a few of each other’s friends and I feel like we are growing closer every time we see each other.

however- there is one problem … he is still using Bumble. I know this because his location keeps updating. So if he goes away for a weekend etc, the location will change to wherever he is. the location changed most days.

we haven’t had a talk about exclusivity - but I perhaps naively assumed that we both felt the same about each other.

Anyway - I mentioned the bumble situation to him the other day and said I have noticed he is still active on the app, and pointed out that I have put my app on pause. He shut down the conversation and I haven’t heard from him since.

I’d like to see someone who is not keeping me around as an option and the fact he refused to discuss this with me has really upset me.

Was I wrong to assume that after two months of seeing me , he wouldn’t be interested in online dating anymore? Is an ‘exclusivity’ conversation always required in these situations?

OP posts:
Ilovemycat1 · 08/08/2022 09:44

@Fallingslowly26

You are not alone.

The majority of woman I know who has used OLD (and I know woman in america and in europe) have encountered the same pattern. So it is not personal to you in any way.

Start listening to 'the game' by yaz in podcasts and it will make you understand a bit more - OLD is really just a game.

Original poster
Fallingslowly26 · 08/08/2022 09:47

Ilovemycat1 · 08/08/2022 09:41

Also take salvage in the fact I a few years older than you. The guys who went on like at his age are still on these apps in their late 30s - doing the same thing pouncing on new meat.

They do not reincarnate - they just stay on dating apps doing the same thing over and over.

Sadly I know one guy like this in his mid 30s who went on like this - he is an alcoholic who just lost his job. Drug user too. So deep down they are not happy to be treating the woman the way they do.

yeah the cycle will just continue to repeat. Seems like a bit of a commitment-phobia or something. Never wanting to just pick one, and always wanting to have a range of options available to them at all times

OP posts:
Ilovemycat1 · 08/08/2022 09:49

@Fallingslowly26

Do not analyse his behaviour looking for answers. He is a dick full stop.

Block delete and move the fuck on

Inthesameboatatmo · 08/08/2022 10:01

Fallingslowly26 · 08/08/2022 09:29

@Ilovemycat1 It’s hard to maintain a high self esteem when you have men acting as though you are something special to them, when really it’s just a facade and you’re there to pass the time. And then can’t be bothered to explain themselves either or even apologise for messing you about.

@Fallingslowly26.

Op I've been OLD dating for a few years ,in that time I've accumulated over 100 blocked numbers. All from men who've lied ,cheated ghosted slow faded or used me. I've now given up. These were men I didn't even rush into sex with ,some of them even waiting 2/3 months still to ghost me straight after.

I've been told I'm fat ! I'm 5,7 size 16 that's all. I've been stood up . I'm not unattractive and get plenty of likes I'm mid 40s.

Sorry to waffle on but the point I'm making is don't trust any man and what he says to you. Even though I'm thick skinned it's gotten to me badly.

The standard of man these days is below the floor, I'm sure there are good ones but they are very few and far between. Understand though that it's not you it's them ,they are absolute bastards most of them, not all but most Flowers

Original poster
Fallingslowly26 · 08/08/2022 10:27

Inthesameboatatmo · 08/08/2022 10:01

@Fallingslowly26.

Op I've been OLD dating for a few years ,in that time I've accumulated over 100 blocked numbers. All from men who've lied ,cheated ghosted slow faded or used me. I've now given up. These were men I didn't even rush into sex with ,some of them even waiting 2/3 months still to ghost me straight after.

I've been told I'm fat ! I'm 5,7 size 16 that's all. I've been stood up . I'm not unattractive and get plenty of likes I'm mid 40s.

Sorry to waffle on but the point I'm making is don't trust any man and what he says to you. Even though I'm thick skinned it's gotten to me badly.

The standard of man these days is below the floor, I'm sure there are good ones but they are very few and far between. Understand though that it's not you it's them ,they are absolute bastards most of them, not all but most Flowers

Show quote history

I’m sorry to hear that your experiences have been so bad. It seems like there are pretty awful guys out there everywhere unfortunately. Doesn’t make me feel hopeful about meeting someone.

OP posts:
liveforsummer · 08/08/2022 10:31

It found have been that he just forgot about the profile but as it was still active sonuodated. I forget I have mine generally til I go somewhere new and suddenly get notifications saying new bees have liked me etc. i don't actually use it. How he responded I guess sis otherwise it if it was presented in an accusing way maybe he didn't like that?

Ohahjustalittlebit · 08/08/2022 10:38

The thing is though, your is obviously still active too if you can see his location changing so maybe he just feels like you are a hypocrite calling him out on something you are doing yourself.

Original poster
Fallingslowly26 · 08/08/2022 10:38

liveforsummer · 08/08/2022 10:31

It found have been that he just forgot about the profile but as it was still active sonuodated. I forget I have mine generally til I go somewhere new and suddenly get notifications saying new bees have liked me etc. i don't actually use it. How he responded I guess sis otherwise it if it was presented in an accusing way maybe he didn't like that?

It wasn’t in an accusing way. It was ‘I’ve noticed you’re active on bumble and it just makes me wonder where we stand’. He then accused me of having my profile active as apparently his friends have seen me on it recently (which is impossible as mine has been on pause for a number of weeks). And now is ignoring me.

the location of Bumble only updates if you’re actively logging into the app. He went away to a wedding last weekend and the location changed. He was away the previous week too and the location updated.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fallingslowly26 · 08/08/2022 10:40

Ohahjustalittlebit · 08/08/2022 10:38

The thing is though, your is obviously still active too if you can see his location changing so maybe he just feels like you are a hypocrite calling him out on something you are doing yourself.

My profile is on pause. It means you can’t see my location if you look at my profile. It also means I can’t swipe on anyone new, nor can anyone swipe on me. Very different to somebody who is logging on and their location is updating every day.

OP posts:
liveforsummer · 08/08/2022 10:42

Maybe it is it stays logged in though as as I say I see the notis whenever I'm somewhere different and the locals see someone new. I don't actively use it but the app is still sitting there. Clearly you've been on it too - which either translates as still using it or checking up on. him. If I thought someone at that stage was checking up on me I'd probably just leave it too.

Original poster
Fallingslowly26 · 08/08/2022 10:45

liveforsummer · 08/08/2022 10:42

Maybe it is it stays logged in though as as I say I see the notis whenever I'm somewhere different and the locals see someone new. I don't actively use it but the app is still sitting there. Clearly you've been on it too - which either translates as still using it or checking up on. him. If I thought someone at that stage was checking up on me I'd probably just leave it too.

I have checked this out and the app definitely only updates your location if you’ve actually logged in. I know that Bumble inundates users with notifications to try and get them to go on the app more, but those can be easily turned off!

I’ve just posted about the logging in issue - he would not be able to see I’ve logged in as my profile is on pause. And I can’t swipe on anyone if my profile is paused and nobody new can see me. Very different.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fallingslowly26 · 08/08/2022 10:46

My location will not be showing at all. That’s what happens when your profile is paused. It’s supposed to be the option you take when you’re not at the stage of deleting completely but you want to remove yourself from the pool for a while!

OP posts:
liveforsummer · 08/08/2022 10:54

What I'm saying is maybe he's just never logged out. Obviously what had happened with me and I guess I could pause it or whatever, I just haven't bothered. Just like I've never got round to turning off the notifications which means I realise my location must update despite not physically using the app. Maybe he was still meeting people or maybe he just got put off by the obvious checking up. You're unlikely to ever know I guess

liveforsummer · 08/08/2022 10:55

And he knows you've logged in because you told him you saw him. Nothing to do with local films. Some people don't have theirs visible anyway

SunshineAndFizz · 08/08/2022 11:02

"It would have been good to have a conversation about this, but your silence is giving me the clear sign you're not interested so I'll end this here and not contact you again."

FlyingSaucerss · 08/08/2022 11:06

Can’t believe how many people are saying if they’ve slept with someone they “assume” it’s exclusive 🤦🏻 Know the wonder so many end up hurt or being used. What if you’ve slept with someone on the first date you assume after he won’t be sleeping with anyone else? No now a days it’s very important to have a chat about whether you are exclusive or not especially with old, no “assuming” 🙄

Natty13 · 08/08/2022 11:07

liveforsummer · 08/08/2022 10:54

What I'm saying is maybe he's just never logged out. Obviously what had happened with me and I guess I could pause it or whatever, I just haven't bothered. Just like I've never got round to turning off the notifications which means I realise my location must update despite not physically using the app. Maybe he was still meeting people or maybe he just got put off by the obvious checking up. You're unlikely to ever know I guess

By logging in it means opening the app. So if you live in London and go up to York, your location will stay showing as London unless you open the app on your phone, where it will update to your new location. If you don't open the app at all it won't change your location. We did some extensive research on this when my best friend went home to her home town and didn't want people there seeing her profile 😉

I'd send this guy a message like the anti ghosting one on Finding Mr Height's insta. I used it while I was dating and still follow her because I love her direct communication style.

xJoyfulCalmWisdomx · 08/08/2022 11:13

This is why I gave up on OLD.

What is the anti- ghosting message?

I am guessing that it's something along the lines of ''haven't heard from you so i'm in the position of trying to figure out what's going on which really isn't what I'm looking for. So I'm drawing a line under the indecision. Best of luck out there.

Original poster
Fallingslowly26 · 08/08/2022 11:14

Natty13 · 08/08/2022 11:07

By logging in it means opening the app. So if you live in London and go up to York, your location will stay showing as London unless you open the app on your phone, where it will update to your new location. If you don't open the app at all it won't change your location. We did some extensive research on this when my best friend went home to her home town and didn't want people there seeing her profile 😉

I'd send this guy a message like the anti ghosting one on Finding Mr Height's insta. I used it while I was dating and still follow her because I love her direct communication style.

Show quote history

Yep this is 100 percent true. He is opening the app every day I’ve checked from what I can see. Pretty disappointing

OP posts:
Original poster
Fallingslowly26 · 08/08/2022 11:14

xJoyfulCalmWisdomx · 08/08/2022 11:13

This is why I gave up on OLD.

What is the anti- ghosting message?

I am guessing that it's something along the lines of ''haven't heard from you so i'm in the position of trying to figure out what's going on which really isn't what I'm looking for. So I'm drawing a line under the indecision. Best of luck out there.

Yep would be keen to see the anti ghosting message too! Need inspiration haha

OP posts:
FindingThepossible · 08/08/2022 11:17

Fallingslowly26 · 08/08/2022 09:29

@Ilovemycat1 It’s hard to maintain a high self esteem when you have men acting as though you are something special to them, when really it’s just a facade and you’re there to pass the time. And then can’t be bothered to explain themselves either or even apologise for messing you about.

You asked previously why go through the effort?

Because for men it is worth the effort. Some know that they can get sex reliably if they behave as if they are going for a long term relationship.

CapturedLeprechaun · 08/08/2022 11:22

@Fallingslowly26

Pic of the anti-ghosting message attached!

He is still using Bumble after two months of dating
Blueberrywitch · 08/08/2022 11:22

I TOTALLY disagree that you should just be able to assume exclusivity without the conversation. You need the conversation! I continued to date other people in the first few months of meeting my current DP, and we are very committed now - but I was still dating until we made it official.

The issue you have with this guy is the way he handled a difficult conversation, ghosting you the worst possible way. Just be glad you discovered this trait of his early on and haven’t wasted much time!

liveforsummer · 08/08/2022 11:25

I've just had a look out of interest and opened bumble app. What came up initially was, I assume the last profile that was there when I closed it goodness knows when, it then refreshed after a second and a new profile appeared so I assume I was confused to be logged in. Perhaps there are settings where it auto logs you out or some people actively log out therefore have to log back in. However regardless of that you were obviously unsure of him to be actively going to efforts checking up on him on an app that you neither met him on or currently use (more than once to know he was in various locations. After a short time I'd find that quite odd as the other person when there had been no discussion over exclusivity and I probably wouldn't reply either.

bloodybluemoon · 08/08/2022 11:26

Do you really want to waste anymore of your precious time with someone who isn't committing to you? He is getting sex from you but keeping his options open without being exclusive so when you corner him about this, he then will go back and say he never was exclusive so what's the problem unless he ghosts you first. OLD makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand. You have to look at OLD as a place where it's now easier to hook up. A small minority will look for serious relationships but once they are presented with an open menu with a selection of people, they will want to try all of them. Some do come back hence they still keep tabs on you. I think you shouldn't say anything because he doesn't even deserve that. Stop meeting him, ignore his messages and let him fade back to the gutter he has come from.