"Sexting isn't cheating if you'll never meet them"

[solarbean]

I am at the end of my tether with DP.

DP has always seen nudes as no big deal, and would scroll through porn subs on reddit casually throughout the day. I hate it but have been made to feel like I'm the abnormal one as men around me do the same, and a ridiculous number of women I know have adopted the attitude of "well what's wrong with that".

Recently, I've found out that he has not just been scrolling, but actively sexting and messaging with these women. He's never sent any photos back, as far as I'm aware, but he's seen their nudes as they've all got them on their profiles! Confronted DP but he's baffled and thinks there's nothing wrong with it because it's just the internet and just a fantasy as he'll never meet these women. Apparently he talks to them for variety and sometimes just casually when he's bored.

Was clicking around his reddit profile and there was a comment someone else made wrt to someone else's relationship with thousands of upvotes and awards talking about how it's controlling for partners to police online interactions especially if it's just fantasy. Am I the insane one here? DP doesn't seem to care and thinks I'm overreacting over nothing but it feels like he's cheated on me??

I think you're right, LooseGoose.

OP, i'd get out before this gets any worse.

How does he explain doing something that you don’t like? This. Anything else?
What is the rest of the marriage like in terms of his respect for your likes and dislikes and respect for you?

You can end a relationship for any reason. You just have to not want to be with them anymore.

This would make me not want to be with him anymore. I don't give a shit if he thinks it's ok. I'd be looking at him with contempt every time I saw him now and that would kill it.

Tell him you're ending it cos his cock is too small and he doesn't satisfy you. See if he thinks that is you 'overreacting'.

I’m off the mindset that if he does it, I’ll do it.
Chat up a woman/man?
Me too.
Let them kiss you (but don’t respond).. me too.
(These incidents have happened)
Go to a strip club..? Me too.
Sitting there looking at nudes. Me too.
I might just lean over and let him see the biggest cock and ask him what he thinks you should say to the guy who has it..
But I’ve had enough of this kind of shit in my life!
Op - labels (cheating/sexting/just sexting/just looking ) are immaterial- you don’t like it, don’t tolerate it. However you deal with that, it’s up to you. Personally, I wouldn’t expect him to change..

It doesn't matter whether everyone else on the planet is fine with it, you are clearly not, so you don't have to tolerate it. You can end a relationship if you are not happy, if it doesn't bring value to your life and this sounds like it doesn't.

Men never cease to amaze with their redeeming qualities ffs. What an arsehole of course its cheating.

Let the trash take itself out op. Good riddance I say.

You need to change your DP and your friends.

Its not about the porn use or the sexting, its about his total disregard for your feelings of discomfort and hurt because he is doing this. Basically he is showing how little he cares about your feelings.

The bar is in hell

What is wrong with all of these sexually incontinent men who constantly need access to wank material.

Does it not turn you off? It would for me.

You can only control your behaviour OP.

It’s perfectly reasonable to draw boundaries and make your feelings clear, but if he’s not willing to respect it then what’s the point of staying? It will just be a relationship where you know he’s doing something you’re entirely unhappy about.

Its irrelevant what anyone else thinks. You don’t like. It’s time it’s over.

My mother has plenty of faults but Christ I’m glad she gave me such a strong sense of self-worth.

I’d sooner be alone forever that compromise my values.

100%.

These guys go this because they get away with it, and because they don't have it done to them.

Even when they do it, they get no "pain", no discomfort, no parity back. Just distressed women on this forum asking if it's normal, if its not OK etc.

When my h went into a lap dancing club on a stag do and apparently sat hrough a table dance included with entry, apparently... I found a male lap dancing club in London and went there with some other women. He had already agreed it was inappropriate before I went but what I did certainly focused his male mind on how and why it was inappropriate. We have agreed it is not something that will happen in our relationship. It hS not recurred abd hid behaviour on that front has always been otherwise appropriate.

These guys need to get some of this shit back, however if it s a recurrent, general issue .. is there even any point. They'll just hode it more, it'll keep cropping up etc etc.

He says he sexts other women for variety.... sorry, bit he appears to have missed the announcement that - when you enter into a monogamous exclusive relationship (with all the advantages and privileges that gives you) you sacrifice variety!. You still get variety in fantasy etc but you don't get it in real.life, with real people, even if it's "only" sexting. Thing us, he didn't muss that announcement, he knows it full well ... and if you were pursuing such variety in such a way, I'm sure he would have plenty to say about it..

He wants to be polygamous in a monogamous relationship, even if it is "just" sexting. You won't change that mindset or behaviour.

So he cheats, lies and gaslights you when you raise it with him. Just leave. He can't have any respect for you, can he? This relationship cannot possibly be what you dreamed of. Nor are your expectations unreasonable.

only the puritans have a problem with nudes or porn when it should be viewed just like Instagram or regular photos

He's quite happy to look at in in front of his mum, then? Thought not.

Why is your bar so shockingly low? What kind of example did you have of relationships when you were a child?

This twat has been gaslighting you for ages and you're allowing it. Of course it's cheating.

It doesn’t MATTER if it’s ‘technically’ cheating. Or if your friend Betty thinks it’s ok, or if the weirdos on Reddit are down with it. You don't like it. It is really sleazy behaviour, and it is disloyal

‘DP has always seen nudes as no big deal’

cool, so he won’t have a problem with you posting nudes to other men huh
I would tell him I’m sending nudes to other men ( minus your face of course ) as it’s no big deal and the attention from those makes you feel good ( just like the attention he is giving to other women) 😀

Seeing as he buys into the old mysogynistic argument of men need variety you can let him Know ‘ women need a variety of attention ‘ oh and we also need emotional connection so you’ll be having emotional intimacy with other men … no touching of course

DP doesn't seem to care and thinks I'm overreacting over nothing but it feels like he's cheated on me

What counts as cheating for you won't be exactly the same as what counts as cheating for other people. You and your husband don't agree on what cheating is. It's an incompatibility, but how important it is for you as an individual is for you to decide. You feel cheated on; your partner can't tell you you're wrong to have that feeling. Someone else might feel cheated on if their partner looked at someone attractive in the supermarket. Someone else might not feel cheated on if their partner had sex with someone else but it wasn't an emotional connection.

You decide your boundaries. You decide what you will do if your boundaries are crossed. Follow through.

So, you might tell him that it's over because he crossed an uncrossable boundary. Or you might tell him that if it happens again, you'll leave him. Or something else, but it's up to you what you do, and what you put up with. Nobody has to be insane or crazy, or even right or wrong. You're different.

Ok so I'd have to prove my point by also messaging men and looking at nude pics etc see if he likes it. Although to be honest it makes no difference u don't like it, the porn/pics were bad enough but messaging is cheating imo and sounds like urs too. Don't let anyone make u think ur feelings don't matter it doesn't matter what others find acceptable maybe they are just mugs!

Ugh he'd be an ex dp going forward. Noting attractive about a man that thinks and acts like this. Up to him if he's single but so disrespectful regardless whether the cheating label fits

He has no respect for you
Leave him

Does it really matter what your friends think or other people or even your partner?
What matters is what YOU think.

If YOU do not want a partner who casually scrolls through porn sites like he’s reviewing the Argos catalogue then YOU can decide to dump him. And find a partner who believe the same things as you.

Personally I find this utterly repulsive. I cannot even begin to go into the problems that the casual normalisation of porn and sexualisation of women has caused. I’m sure others may have covered it up thread.
But ultimately if someone can’t critically analyse or understand why some people find it fundamentally disgusting to spend time every day scrolling through pics of naked women - then I would have no time or energy to either spend with or on them.

Yes it’s fine to have differing attitudes about things and lots of relationships involve compromise but your BF sounds like a sexist, backwards, emotionally redundant fuckwit to be honest.

there’s nothing controlling about feeling comfortable with this behaviour. Some people might not care and great for them, but you do care.

So put your own values and beliefs first and dump this absolute bellend, he sounds vile.

You’re not okay with him doing this and he’s not okay with stopping doing it.

He knows how much his behaviour is upsetting you and is prepared to do exactly zero about that, which says a hell of a lot about what he really, actually thinks of you.

Stop trying to change him. He won’t. He doesn’t care.

Do yourself a favour and tell him to fuck right off and leave.

And get new friends who care about you and how you feel rather than telling you you’re a prude for not thinking this is acceptable or normal.

And no, you don’t love him. You love the person you wish he was.

It’d be a Hard No from me and he’d be dumped faster than he could bash one out.

Thanks again for all the responses.

Logically I know that this relationship is going nowhere. Ever since he started WFH, the constant scrolling through nudes has become that much more apparent.

There's another part of me though that wonders if this is something that I'd have to compromise on in relationships. When I was younger, porn use wasn't so rampant (or maybe I was just naive?). Now it's so normalised it's not quite realistic to want to look for someone who doesn't constantly consume porn. Sexting with nude models etc has gone the same way and it feels like a times-have-changed sort of situation and that interactive porn is the new watching porn.

I don't even know if that makes sense I'm so fed up.

In a way I guess I was looking for validation that it was cheating because it's easier for me at least to leave then because cheating is something that's concrete instead of this mess where I constantly wonder if I just have unrealistic expectations or if I'm insecure or controlling and need to get over it.

Aside from this, DP is generally great. Caring, splits housework, affectionate. We also jointly bought a house last year and finished with the renovations a couple of months ago. All that down the drain.

No, many men are well aware that this constitutes unacceptable behaviour in a monogamous relationship and dont do it.

If you said 'well actually I dont think physical contact is a big issue so ill be going out Friday night and finding some variety myself'...how'd he feel about that. YOU dont think its cheating. So whats his problem?

The only person who gets to say whether its a problem in a relationship you're in, is you. And you make that point by saying it first of all and if the person continues, you leave. It isn't controlling to leave someone. Policing someone is no fun, and controlling. Youre controlling the wrong person here. Hes welcome to do it, alone. I find it hilarious that he thinks other women would be fine with this