Easily turned off by husband by the tiniest things

[Chocolatted]

I'm sexually and emotionally, totally turned off by my husband when he doesn't contribute around the house as much as I would like him to or is lazy.

He's probably more hands on than most other men but the issue is that he does everything half heartedly. He washed up tonight and left a sink full of scum and food and clean dishes all over the side.

He also started tinkering about in the shed/garden with his tools when I was trying to cook dinner with young children arguing, wailing and being needy around me. I had to ask him to parent so that I could cook and had yet another conversation with him about being able to prioritise better (which I hate doing). It's always witching hour around that time in our house, so he knows the score. I often have to cook dinner and manage it all whilst he's at work, but he is sometimes home like this evening but he doesn't seem to realise that he needs to occupy them to make it easier for me.

Anyway, we had planned a night together for this evening- planned in some sex after a few weeks of not having any and as ridiculous as it sounds, I don't think I can do it. I'm so annoyed about the state of the sink (yet again) and having to be speak to him about the shit timing of him going off to tinker around in his shed (yet again) that I just feel totally turned off.

How do you get past this sort of thing? It seems a little ridiculous that these small annoyances are impacting so much on me being able to be intimate with him. It's a regular issue and yet, from what I hear from friends, he actually does much more than other men around the house and with the children.

It's even worse when he gets his phone out and lies on the sofa when the kids are around. I think I genuinely find him a bit repulsive when he does this. I can't have sex with him for a week or more once the feeling sets in.

Also- morning breath.
He tried it on with me this morning and I couldn't do it because of his breath. He's unable to breathe through his nose so I had him mouth breathing all over me as he was kissing me and I had to stop him. I don't remember this being an issue with boyfriends in the past?

Have you told him about how you feel?

I'm guessing @easylisten doesn't get a lot of sex. He's sitting there now with his phone berating OP while his wife looks at him from the other side of the sofa, hoping he doesn't try it on tonight.

@easylisten It's "you're"

Perhaps a swift kick in the balls by a real man might teach him some manners

Men don't need the hassle of doing the dishes in return for half hearted sex.

😀this has given me a giggle on a break at work!

Have we had an influx of incels on here or something? I wonder how easylisten will cope with the terrible hassle of doing dishes when he inevitably finds himself terminally single? Or maybe he's already there and that's why his posts are so bitter 🤷🏻‍♀️

Ignore the obvious men on this thread @Chocolatted 🙄

You say he does plenty but half hearted is not doing. I'm not talking about the woman melting down because her husband left the Salt on the couch ter when he tidied up. But water in the sink, dirty dishes still lying around etc is NOT doing the washing up.

Nothing kills a person's sex drive or a relationship like resentment. Which is what you are now feeling. And he's trying to.pull the "victim" card where you are the :nagging" wife. Ick

“You don't sound a joy to live with to be honest. I wouldn't want to have sex with you either off the back of all the nagging and moaning. Sounds like your due a reality check.”

^I agree. Good luck finding a robot OP

I mean, we all have our different standards and triggers. I couldn't get worked up about DP lying on the sofa with his phone - but when I feel undervalued or taken the piss out of, my sex drive goes out of the window.

It's not about weaponising sex, it's about not feeling able to form the connection required to have sex when you're silently seething.

I'm having a few issues right now. I am working very, very long hours (self employed), trying to renovate this house to get it on the market, have just moved my DM into a new house (where we will shortly be moving to), I'm dealing with all the mortgage application for new house, planning permission, architect, builder. I'm organising all the tradesmen to come in to do work on our new house. I home educate our two DC. I am literally killing myself trying to juggle everything and I'm dying under the weight of it all. I'm having to work through the night regularly just to get it all done.

In contrast, DP has been off work for two weeks as he feels stressed. He's barely moved his bum off the sofa. He does nothing around the house, bar the washing up and even that is usually left for 2-3 days. (I do all the cooking and shopping - the agreement is that he washes up so I refuse to touch it).

Tonight after dinner, he swung his legs onto me so I could massage his feet. I'd already told him that I needed to go straight back to work - which I wouldn't have had to do if he had fucked helped with some of the shit to share the load.

Even the expectation that I would rub his feet for a while first before returning to work made me feel murderous. There is ZERO fucking chance I feel like connecting emotionally to have sex right now.

I. Am. Fuming.

So yes, OP, I get it. We all have different points at which we draw our line - but essentially it's about feeling as if you're in a fair partnership. When that balance tips and I start to feel like I'm being taken advantage of, my vagina practically pulls up the drawbridge and gets the canons ready for any approach.

It's an exaggeration to accuse the OP of weaponising sex but there is a risk that these feelings develop into a downward spiral - they don't have sex because she is annoyed and her DH becomes more uncooperative and moody because he thinks she is being unreasonable, this makes her even more annoyed. Sex is the point of maximum closeness in a relationship and if that is lost then you could drift further apart.

I'm not even in this situation but the comments have made me cross! The (presumably) bloke who says men don't want to be nagged into doing dishes in return for some half hearted sex. Jeez no wonder she doesn't put the effort in if that's genuinely your attitude. Whatever happened to marriage and working as a partnership. If both work together (without 'nagging') then everyone will feel happier and the need to feel more connected.

He certainly does !

Maybe you just find him so irritable because you just not into him anymore so even if he acted a saint you would still find fault and find him repulsive!?

Men only want a mum to live with and then they look elsewhere for entertainment. Phone has everything - Games, other women, social media, porn, gambling.

Sad and pathetic existence, for sad and pathetic men.

Are you a perfectionist? I guess the big question is; do you want to stay with him?

If you want your relationship to last, then you need to be able to pick your battles. No one gets everything from their partner. So sometimes you have to know when to let things slide.

You mention the tools are his; do you do DIY? Look after the car? Gardening? Etc. I'm wondering if you're giving him a hard time when actually, you don't do everything yourself anyway. Does he have tasks he does? If so, does he moan about you being lazy? Or withold sex because of it?

No one is perfect.

Move on from the dishes. Forgive him for prioritising poorly in that circumstance. Have a nice evening and enjoy the sex. Otherwise you're only making problems for yourself.

You have kids. You need to work on it.

Omg .. this could be me writing this!! I came on to find someone in a similar boat as haven’t got the energy to write my own post lol.

this is EXACTLY what I’m going through now! Except I’m probably almost a year into this feeling and it’s finally come to a head!!

My partner sounds just like yours! (Except Im lucky if I even get the washing up out of him!) and since our second baby I just resent him for it so much that our sex life has been virtually non existent the past 10 months!

He thinks because he works a manual job he doesn’t have lift a finger around the house and his idea of parenting usually involves the TV!! WHY would I want to have sex with someone who is not pulling their weight! He helps financially with the kids but only to the same point that I would get if I claimed child maintenance off him anyway , so why is he here!? Yes I love him but not in a romantic way because I’ve lost respect for him and feel unappreciated.

I’ve recently told him this..it’s been two weeks and has he changed .. no !!

I’ve come to accept my man won’t change.

It’s sad but true.