Easily turned off by husband by the tiniest things

[Chocolatted]

I'm sexually and emotionally, totally turned off by my husband when he doesn't contribute around the house as much as I would like him to or is lazy.

He's probably more hands on than most other men but the issue is that he does everything half heartedly. He washed up tonight and left a sink full of scum and food and clean dishes all over the side.

He also started tinkering about in the shed/garden with his tools when I was trying to cook dinner with young children arguing, wailing and being needy around me. I had to ask him to parent so that I could cook and had yet another conversation with him about being able to prioritise better (which I hate doing). It's always witching hour around that time in our house, so he knows the score. I often have to cook dinner and manage it all whilst he's at work, but he is sometimes home like this evening but he doesn't seem to realise that he needs to occupy them to make it easier for me.

Anyway, we had planned a night together for this evening- planned in some sex after a few weeks of not having any and as ridiculous as it sounds, I don't think I can do it. I'm so annoyed about the state of the sink (yet again) and having to be speak to him about the shit timing of him going off to tinker around in his shed (yet again) that I just feel totally turned off.

How do you get past this sort of thing? It seems a little ridiculous that these small annoyances are impacting so much on me being able to be intimate with him. It's a regular issue and yet, from what I hear from friends, he actually does much more than other men around the house and with the children.

It's even worse when he gets his phone out and lies on the sofa when the kids are around. I think I genuinely find him a bit repulsive when he does this. I can't have sex with him for a week or more once the feeling sets in.

Also- morning breath.
He tried it on with me this morning and I couldn't do it because of his breath. He's unable to breathe through his nose so I had him mouth breathing all over me as he was kissing me and I had to stop him. I don't remember this being an issue with boyfriends in the past?

Why are you with him?

This marriage is dead. Why are you even with him, you obviously can’t stand him.

I think it makes sense that you can't feel turned on by someone you feel you are parenting yourself! He sounds like a teen in that you have to "manage" him quite a lot.

I can relate to some of this, doesn’t happen too often but when I obviously need something and he is just on another planet I have zero interest in any intimacy. Suppose it’s a reasonable response really but not sure what the answer is if you feel this way a lot. Have you spoken to him about how his oblivious behaviour makes you feel?

I felt annoyed on your behalf just reading that. I'm not surprised you're not sexually attracted to such a useless man child. Having to spoon-feed him the basics of how to be a parent and functioning adult is the least sexy thing ever.

And you are with him because…..

You both deserve better.

This also from him seems like weaponised incompetence i.e doing tasks so badly you never ask him to do those again. He does not act this way in front of or to his work colleagues does he?. His contempt for you as his wife is palpable.

The odd thing is, he actually does much more than many I know! He cooks, he cleans, he wakes up with the kids, gets them dressed, makes their lunches etc.

It's the shit standards and the constant reminders which get me down. Many of my friends say that I have high standards for him and that they just have very few expectations of their husbands around the house, which saddens me massively because I think why are you all living like this? One of my friend's husbands has never even dressed or bathed their 3 year old!

But on the flip side, why does he think that leaving a scummy sink is ok if I don't?

I'd understand that the marriage is over if I felt repulsed by him all the time but I really want to have sex with him when he's actually cleaning the sink and prioritising better.

This is pretty much why I'm divorced. He killed our marriage with his hygiene issues and laziness.

The tragic thing about it is that it would have taken so very little to make me happy. But he just couldn't be arsed.

Things that are important to you are not to him, that's perfectly normal as is compromising in a relationship. It sounds to me like you are extremely uptight which wouldn't work for me in a relationship at all. It's up to you how much you're willing to compromise, but it does sound like you're using sex as a weapon, probably in a passive aggressive way - does he know if he chills on the sofa with his phone then you can't have sex for a week? That is just really strange to me - do you have perfectionist issues? Did your parents punish you if you weren't always working? Or drum into you that you should always be doing something?

Why can't (some) men seem to grasp that if they force you into essentially being their mum you're not going to want to have sex with them?!!!

I wish I had more control over it @staynow re your accusation of using sex as a weapon.

I want to want to have sex with him, I want it all to bother me less and I want our marriage to work.

If I was just using sex as a weapon, why bother posting?

YANBU. You’re not going to feel like having sex if you’re constantly irritated. And all the things you’ve mentioned sound very irritating.

Op I get you completely.Don’t even begin think for once that you’re using sex as a weapon. Or defend yourself on that front

Every single thing you wrote in your op down to the washing up and leaving both clean plates on the side and scum in sink it’s every wkend at home(he does sat and sun washing up)

It really is off putting

You just described my marriage, from the scummy sink (usually with a filthy sponge floating in it) to the fucking phone addiction. I blew up at DH today about his phone use and he told me 'it's 2022, get with the programme' 😡

No advice, just solidarity. Sex is a chore here too.

THIS.

God no, I just couldn’t do it. I would not stay married to a man like that. I’m not going to live in a house with someone and sleep next to someone who I no longer fancy and who repulses me to the extent that I can’t face having sex with him.

I have great sympathy for you; I’m only sorry that sympathy won’t fix things!

Wow @Chocolatted im really surprised at the harsh responses you’ve got. I feel like this all the time too. I didn’t realise most people didn’t

Not sure what the answer is OP. But your post reminded me of this:

www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288#comments

@Cantbeliveyoufakeit well said.
@Chocolatted for me it’s been 4months since

This ^

You won't be attracted to someone whom you have to parent.