For various reasons, I think my husband may have had some sort of inappropriate relationship with a woman a few years ago. He denies an affair but he says he was naieve and 'got too close' but in a friendly way, he says.
There has been quite bad fallout from him keeping elements of his relationship secret from me. He never suggested that the reason he was keeping secrets from me was because he thought I would be jealous or suspicious. It was only after I suggested this as a reason to him, that he agreed that it might have been the case. But he acknowledged that this didn't make any sense because I had never shown any signs of being like that previously.
We have reconciled and I choose to accept his explanation but there is one question which bothers me still. What impression he gave her of our life together to make her feel it was ok to carry on a secret relationship with him over a number of years.
He has somewhat dodged my questions concerning this. At least, I can't get much sense from him.
I would be interested to know from anyone who has been close to a married man as to how you think the situation came about and also what impression he gave you or you got about his home life.
I am aware these questions might raise criticisms of OWs. I hope that doesn't happen because I am looking for clarity about how his behaviour might have influenced the situation.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
How do women get close to married men
Nineuser17887 · 05/08/2022 13:40
Akayak · 06/08/2022 08:14
Read similar responses, but to answer original question, men like attention. Most couples don’t have much of a sex life after being married several years, having 2-3 kids and both working corporate jobs. Men have told me they feel creepy constantly getting turned down for sex by their wives and lots of very nice looking, successful men have low self-esteem because of lack of attention in their lives.
This was a complete shock to me before my current career. I always assumed men were tough and did not like or need to be complimented or reassured 24/7.
Wife’s attention usually goes: kids, work, house, herself, husband. So, husbands get almost no attention and men are, mostly, needy little babies who need lots of attention and affirmation especially now that spouses have the same levels of education and prestige in their careers.
When men were the sole breadwinners, their place in the home was one of importance and dominance. They no longer have that feeling of success when their wives are bringing in as much or even more than they are.
If you are not paying attention to your husband he will purposefully or inadvertently end up getting that attention somewhere else if he is in proximity to females during the day or travels for work.
I hear the exact same thing over and over again from clients who are men. When they do develop a relationship with another woman, the last thing they want to talk about is their real life which is usually a bummer - why they are having an affair to begin with.
it does not sound like you have had that experience so you may not understand it. I don’t know the science behind it aside from the fact that men do compartmentalize and when engaging in a secret relationship the last thing they want to do is bring their wife into it. They are living in the fantasy world of an affair where things like bills, work stress and nagging spouses don’t exist.
what’s ironic is that if those affairs ever turned into real relationships the same things the men are trying to escape from would be present again.
I would be surprised if they did not have a physical relationship. There have been studies that show women get more upset if a husband has an emotional affair whereas men get more upset if a woman has a physical affair. Your husband may not know about these studies and is trying to protect your feelings. There is a chance the relationship wasn’t sexual, but I doubt it.
50% of men and 40% of women ADMIT to cheating which makes me think the number is a lot higher. Human beings were not meant to live this long nor were they meant to be monogamous. It sounds like the situation is really bothering you and I hope you can speak to a therapist who can help address your concerns.
if it makes you feel better, men rarely leave their wives for their mistresses and if they do chances are the relationships will fail within a few months. Often times when men are cheating on their wives they end up having more sex with their wives as well. Men don’t leave their wives because they don’t want to cause a disruption in the family home, their children’s lives, their finances, their circle of friends, their careers and some do genuinely love and respect their wives as people and partners.
Most cheaters are only having a physical need met. They will do and say anything to keep having that physical need met. it’s like calling a plumber to clear a pipe. I swear if humans were not by nature jealous creatures some of my married girlfriends would give their husbands their blessing to get their sexual needs fulfilled in a safe way buy another woman - Especially when they have young children.
Your husband stayed with you. You won. If you can’t live with the deception and the relationship is not worth it then maybe it’s time for you to move on to another relationship where you feel valued and someone does and says the romantic things that you are missing from your life. Be warned, men usually only do those things in the very beginning and your husband may have written those things to the other woman because he was not able to talk on the phone with this other woman freely.
Take care of yourself and your needs.
5128gap · 06/08/2022 08:09
I think her analysis is spot on. This describes exactly what happens.
Strict segregation of the sexes is obviously not the solution. The solution lies, as you say, in establishing boundaries. However, the boundaries generally need to be set considerably earlier in the trajectory, and for me, that would be the point you feel an attraction to the person as a potential partner.
Many people argue (correctly) that it's possible for people of opposite sexes to be platonic friends, with no risk to emotion or the primary relationship. What they fail to take into account is that in such scenarios, one or both parties does not find the other attractive.
In situations where they do, there is always a threat to the primary relationship.
Obviously some people are comfortable with this level of risk, with opening up certain intimacies usually reserved for a partner to a third person, and if both are, then that's fine, provided its transparent and agreed with the primary partner.
Catullus5 · 05/08/2022 23:25
I see the point here but I don't agree. I think we're all responsible for setting our own boundaries with any person in any context.
And I think that also shows that CherryBlossomAutumn's point has problems too: it's basically a 'thin end of the wedge' argument that suggests rigorous separation of the sexes is perhaps the best solution. The better argument is that actually we should and do know when things are becoming inappropriate and that's the responsibility of both people involved.
Username0308 · 05/08/2022 22:28
A lot of this happens in the workplace as people are with each other for most of the day, most of the week. You become familiar with one another, you can moan about your managers, share work stress. It creates a bond.
It's up to the married man to set boundaries, he is the one who is married. Ultimately, these things happen because the married man CHOOSES to let it happen. Enjoys the attention most likely. Oversharing turns into banter turns into flirty jokes turns into late-night texting turns into meeting up. And before you know it, boundaries are non-existent.
I work in a male-dominated environment. A lot of them are married and very flirty. They'll moan about their wives every now and again but on the most part, they're rarely mentioned. I think it's more about what isn't said rather than what is said. If a man were to constantly talk about how great his life was, things he's doing with his wife etc, boundaries are less likely to be crossed.
So in your case, I would say he most likely didn't talk about you much, as opposed to saying anything bad about you. I know married men who I sometimes forget are married as their wives are rarely mentioned.
ThinkingFace · 07/08/2022 00:17
I had a close friendship with a married male friend over a number of years. We worked together and had loads in common. His wife occasionally came to social events so I had met her. I'm not sure what she would have thought at the time.
From my position, I was young, single and wanted our friendship to be more (to be love) but also knew that I would never cross that line with someone who was married. From his side, he wanted to hang out with me quite a lot and we frequently messaged each other. Feelings for each other were never mentioned and I don't know if he ever did feel anymore for me.
He didn't give much away about his relationship with his wife but he never seemed keen to go home to her. Then something changed and he became a bit distant, not unfriendly but something was going on. Turned out him and his wife were going through infertility, had ivf and finally got pregnant. It then made sense to me. I think he wanted to escape the pressures of ttc and failing, then ivf over several years (he never told me this outrightly). I think I was that person he could escape with.
When he told me they were expecting a baby, I was inwardly heartbroken but happy for them too. In fact, it was the best thing that could have happened to me. It gave me a push to move on with my life and stop pining for a married friend. So got myself out there, dating, and few months later, I met my now husband and have 2dc.
We're all still friends but now it's different, if we see each other, my dh and friend's wife are there too, plus our children.
Riapia · 05/08/2022 14:29
They make themselves irresistible.
The poor man is helpless.
My ex was a victim.
Nineuser17887 · 06/08/2022 12:33
It has suddenly dawned on me that all this time I thought he was a really decent man that I've been projecting those qualities onto him and that he's ultimately always out for himself. He would throw me under the bus to ensure that people like him.
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
BigFatLiar · 07/08/2022 08:02
@Downunderduchess I have had many married/partnered men come on to me over the years
You trying to tell us that you haven't had many married/partnered women come on to you? I wonder why that is.
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.