How do women get close to married men

[Nineuser17887]

For various reasons, I think my husband may have had some sort of inappropriate relationship with a woman a few years ago. He denies an affair but he says he was naieve and 'got too close' but in a friendly way, he says.

There has been quite bad fallout from him keeping elements of his relationship secret from me. He never suggested that the reason he was keeping secrets from me was because he thought I would be jealous or suspicious. It was only after I suggested this as a reason to him, that he agreed that it might have been the case. But he acknowledged that this didn't make any sense because I had never shown any signs of being like that previously.

We have reconciled and I choose to accept his explanation but there is one question which bothers me still. What impression he gave her of our life together to make her feel it was ok to carry on a secret relationship with him over a number of years.

He has somewhat dodged my questions concerning this. At least, I can't get much sense from him.

I would be interested to know from anyone who has been close to a married man as to how you think the situation came about and also what impression he gave you or you got about his home life.

I am aware these questions might raise criticisms of OWs. I hope that doesn't happen because I am looking for clarity about how his behaviour might have influenced the situation.

@CherryBlossomAutumn not sure where I said anything about being free to cheat?

DH and I work with someone who he, in a sliding doors moment, could quite realistically have settled down with. We have discussed this on more than one occasion and I think they’d be brilliantly suited. Does that bother me? Not one bit.

BTW my husband does know I like the recognition from my friend. He is, as I have said, a bit sensitive about that. But he also knows that he could be little more forthcoming. Like I’ve said, none of us is perfect .

I think the point is that there is genuine friendship and then there is "friendship" where it's clear the end goal from one person is more than that. It's the same as when you can tell a woman is trying to be friends with you for an ulterior motive. Equally there are compliments that are genuine and compliments that are empty and with a frequency that you'd find strange from a female friend too.

And of course it's not true that all men feed women lies to cheat on their spouses but it does happen a lot. I lived in a houseshare with 2 other single ladies at the start of the pandemic - all in our 20s. We ALL received messages from men which started off as innocent "friendly" chats then moved in a different direction with the "we are practically separated'", "we are in an open relationship" type lines. And not just one man per person. We aren't all super attractive or catches or anything, we were just single.

I'm close to a married male colleague. I've also been on the cusp of too close to another one (their desire, not mine). The difference is how much they're willing to share. I.e. How close they let me get/ let themselves get.

When I worked with a company, we had a client who would always bring his wife to anything where he could bring a guest.

Then he said they were getting divorced and wasn't wearing a ring anymore.

We became quite friendly but I don't like to cross work boundaries. But I was dithering and then I discovered, through questioning how far the final divorce paper was, that they were still married.

Sixteen years later, they still are married. I have heard from others he tried to chat up,that he now says they are in an open marriage. I admit that's possible, especially as I am fairly sure she just wanted a meal ticket (not a criticism) but they are still married and living under the same roof and he outright lied about that to me.

@FallenFigs it does need to stop because he 'fancies the pants off me' and my DH would go mental if he knew. He's seen his name on my phone and know we've texted each other. Thing is the lines are so blurred because we've talked to each other about normal stuff. I even asked his advice about a friend of mine. He's talked about his son and his wife and I genuinely don't want to get involved with anything to harm his family and nor him with me. It's such a mess now.

Because they act single, never mention their wife, seem happy to connect...

There’s quite a good book about infidelity, forget it’s name! It was about how evidence shows that most cheating is not the result of some terrible problem in the relationship, but are of opportunity. It doesn’t matter if the marriage is happy, it’s whether the boundaries of the marriage are eroded.

The book detailed how most cheating happens because one spouse allows themself to become inch, by inch, in an emotional affair. Where they are allowing other people who they are attracted to, into the ‘circle’ that is the pact between a man and a wife in a monogamous marriage. The circle isn’t just sex is it, a marriage is an intimacy and built from trust.

They say most cheating happens when those little steps from ‘John in the office is quite fit… we flirt a bit… we chat a bit more than other men in the office that I don’t find quite so attractive… then we become ‘friends’… we mutually share an understanding that we find each other attractive… and at that point unless we pull back we enter an emotional or sexual affair.
And it’ this point that a physical cheating is primed to happen, as it’s only a few more steps along and it’s at this point that the married people would ‘find’ something wrong in their marriage to make themselves justify an affair.

@CherryBlossomAutumn that has hit the nail right on the head. Completely true.

A lot of this happens in the workplace as people are with each other for most of the day, most of the week. You become familiar with one another, you can moan about your managers, share work stress. It creates a bond.

It's up to the married man to set boundaries, he is the one who is married. Ultimately, these things happen because the married man CHOOSES to let it happen. Enjoys the attention most likely. Oversharing turns into banter turns into flirty jokes turns into late-night texting turns into meeting up. And before you know it, boundaries are non-existent.

I work in a male-dominated environment. A lot of them are married and very flirty. They'll moan about their wives every now and again but on the most part, they're rarely mentioned. I think it's more about what isn't said rather than what is said. If a man were to constantly talk about how great his life was, things he's doing with his wife etc, boundaries are less likely to be crossed.

So in your case, I would say he most likely didn't talk about you much, as opposed to saying anything bad about you. I know married men who I sometimes forget are married as their wives are rarely mentioned.

They (theinstigator) will look for a reason for direct private contact - IM or texting and move it on from there.

When I was younger I found I got on really well with older male work colleagues. Not sure why, I mean I get on with everyone tbh. 2 male colleagues thought that meant I wanted to be the bit on the side. Absolutely not 🤮

I had a relationship with a married man. I was 18 at the time and he was 14 years older than me. It went on for several years.

I massively regret it. But I fell for the usual lines - he’s unhappy at home, wife is abusive and controlling, and I have brought joy into his life that he had been missing. Naive and inexperienced me fell for it and made me feel like we had something special. He also promised he would leave his wife, which made me think we had a future.

It’s the biggest mistake of my life, but ultimately I went into it willingly. I guess when you’re feeling insecure or lonely for whatever reason, or just want a bit of attention, having someone tell you how special you are and how happy you make them makes you think the relationship is unique, when it’s not - it’s just a case of a man having his cake and eating it.

A great many men have a strong urge to have sex with someone who they have not had sex with before.

It’s not surprising, it was an urge that a million generations of ancestors followed successfully.

It’s one of the (many) basic instincts that in civilised society we learn to ignore, or shut down, but I don’t think that it’s controversial to acknowledge that it’s there.

Women also often have an urge to procreate with a “better” mate while keeping the reliable partner close to provide for them. This is why a significant number of men are bringing up and supporting children who are not their own, without knowing this.

It's a generalisation (but a true one) that men tend to bond over shared interests and activities rather than close personal connections like women do. They are 'side-by-side friendships, not 'face-to-face' ones. Many men, in my experience really do not talk to each other about a lot of personal stuff or trouble they are going through, probably because there aren't established ways of doing this, among men.

So a man who (for justifiable reasons) is unhappy in his marriage, and needs someone to talk to, is likely to end up talking to a woman, because women are more likely to listen. That makes for an unstable dynamic and a relationship that can easily morph into something else (and I would add that both parties would be equally blameworthy, all other things being equal).

But also I imagine that women whose friendships with men are more based around shared activities are less likely to get moved on by those men.

All that ‘it’s basic male nature’ stuff is unproven.

To survive human children need the mum and the dad to stick around for a long time, that usually means not having sex with any female so having no idea which child is yours.

There’s nothing wrong with having a close friendship with anyone. I have close friendships with several men and one gay woman (i am a straight woman). They are all entirely platonic friendships. They tell me different things about their relationships - some share more than others. Regardless of what he said, a lot of people are entirely comfortable having friendships with people who are married and rightly so.

I see the point here but I don't agree. I think we're all responsible for setting our own boundaries with any person in any context.

And I think that also shows that CherryBlossomAutumn's point has problems too: it's basically a 'thin end of the wedge' argument that suggests rigorous separation of the sexes is perhaps the best solution. The better argument is that actually we should and do know when things are becoming inappropriate and that's the responsibility of both people involved.

One was a middle aged leader in a religious youth group context. What we would call grooming now. Fucked up my understanding of relationships and did serious damage. He positioned himself as an understanding and approachable adult, bit of a father figure, kept skilfully steering conversation to more intimate topics and manufacturing situations to be alone. Oh and his wife didn’t understand him 🙄

One was an older man in the workplace who targeted me and deliberately leaned on the power dynamics and culture of “banter”. He didn’t get anywhere but was still too flirty for comfort. It was a lovely feeling the day I left that job and never had to see him again. His wife didn’t understand him 🙄

One was a platonic friend (I thought), a really great guy. He kept pushing the boundaries and I just didn’t have the experience or confidence to handle him. Turned out he was just sleeping with me to check that off his list before getting married. I thought he had broken up with his fiancée. I was gutted to realise that I was inadvertently the ow, and that our friendship meant jackshit to him.

One was a school dad - organised a play date for our sane class dc, and chatted at the school gates a couple of times, which he thought was a green light to try it on. Ew!

I don’t talk to men any more than is strictly necessary now.

The married man script....and yet what's the betting they are still married, living and having sex with their unsuspecting wives post affair!

Men will trot any old line out to get in the sack at times. Many play the victim of a controlling narrcistic wife at home and a few use full on flattery knowing the victim of their attention has poor boundaries and little self esteem.

@Catullus5 I’d agree with you actually, I don’t think it’s never, ever feeling a bit boosted by flirting, or having opposite sex friends. For me it’s about being honest without any BS. Most of us I think would know we are ‘near’ a boundary to be crossed. It’s when we fool ourselves that ‘oh it’s human nature’ or ‘it’s complex’ or ‘we don’t really fancy each other’ I think that’s when we give ourselves a green light to carry on.

@Canabelievethis Yes surely we should now know that men are lying when they say there is no sex in the marriage. There is a serious point also, my Ex cheated with a few women when I was pregnant, leaving me and our unborn child as risk of an STI that could have affected both of us more seriously. I wish people might consider this possible scenario if they want to cheat with someone still Iiving with their wife/partner. That wife/partner could actually be physically affected.

I had the exact opposite experience when single. It was very rare for a married (or otherwise coupled up) man to mention his wife, or say ‘we’ or ‘us’ when talking about what they did on the wekeend etc.

On one occasion I got too emotionally close to a man who was married and I left the workplace. I felt the pull on my ego - because ego is exactly what it is - to be the more attractive/desirable/caring/whatever woman. I saw my ugly egotism for what it was and I moved jobs.

I wonder why so many men think it's a good idea to marry someone who doesn't understand them? Shows them to be pretty poor at decision-making.
(Yesh, I know it's just a line.)

@MissTrip82 I think you’ve hit upon something we rarely speak about in infidelity. The thrill or ‘ego’ as a woman of being compared by a married man to his wife, and to ‘trump’ her, even if it’s only for a short while. There is an extra thrill knowing that someone is finding you not just attractive, but quite possible more attractive than another woman. Our competitive drive to be the most desirable maybe?

I worked for mine. Small business - only the 2 of us doing everything and anything to keep it afloat.
Always emotional never physical. I had to leave after 4 years because I was so in love with him and he'd say 'wife' not interested in business stuff, was putting him down yada yada we were getting too close.
He hated me for leaving. Said it was for my own sanity. No contact since but I do miss him, he was my closest friend for 4 years.