How do women get close to married men

[Nineuser17887]

For various reasons, I think my husband may have had some sort of inappropriate relationship with a woman a few years ago. He denies an affair but he says he was naieve and 'got too close' but in a friendly way, he says.

There has been quite bad fallout from him keeping elements of his relationship secret from me. He never suggested that the reason he was keeping secrets from me was because he thought I would be jealous or suspicious. It was only after I suggested this as a reason to him, that he agreed that it might have been the case. But he acknowledged that this didn't make any sense because I had never shown any signs of being like that previously.

We have reconciled and I choose to accept his explanation but there is one question which bothers me still. What impression he gave her of our life together to make her feel it was ok to carry on a secret relationship with him over a number of years.

He has somewhat dodged my questions concerning this. At least, I can't get much sense from him.

I would be interested to know from anyone who has been close to a married man as to how you think the situation came about and also what impression he gave you or you got about his home life.

I am aware these questions might raise criticisms of OWs. I hope that doesn't happen because I am looking for clarity about how his behaviour might have influenced the situation.

[GreyCarpet]

@CherryBlossomAutumn

@MissTrip82 I think you’ve hit upon something we rarely speak about in infidelity. The thrill or ‘ego’ as a woman of being compared by a married man to his wife, and to ‘trump’ her, even if it’s only for a short while. There is an extra thrill knowing that someone is finding you not just attractive, but quite possible more attractive than another woman. Our competitive drive to be the most desirable maybe?

This is why I don't get the low self.esteem excuse.

I can't think of anything more arrogant tbh than to believe you are better than the woman a man made a lifelong commitment to.

[5128gap]

@Catullus5

I see the point here but I don't agree. I think we're all responsible for setting our own boundaries with any person in any context.

And I think that also shows that CherryBlossomAutumn's point has problems too: it's basically a 'thin end of the wedge' argument that suggests rigorous separation of the sexes is perhaps the best solution. The better argument is that actually we should and do know when things are becoming inappropriate and that's the responsibility of both people involved.

I think her analysis is spot on. This describes exactly what happens.
Strict segregation of the sexes is obviously not the solution. The solution lies, as you say, in establishing boundaries. However, the boundaries generally need to be set considerably earlier in the trajectory, and for me, that would be the point you feel an attraction to the person as a potential partner.
Many people argue (correctly) that it's possible for people of opposite sexes to be platonic friends, with no risk to emotion or the primary relationship. What they fail to take into account is that in such scenarios, one or both parties does not find the other attractive.
In situations where they do, there is always a threat to the primary relationship.
Obviously some people are comfortable with this level of risk, with opening up certain intimacies usually reserved for a partner to a third person, and if both are, then that's fine, provided its transparent and agreed with the primary partner.

[Akayak]

Read similar responses, but to answer original question, men like attention. Most couples don’t have much of a sex life after being married several years, having 2-3 kids and both working corporate jobs. Men have told me they feel creepy constantly getting turned down for sex by their wives and lots of very nice looking, successful men have low self-esteem because of lack of attention in their lives.

This was a complete shock to me before my current career. I always assumed men were tough and did not like or need to be complimented or reassured 24/7.

Wife’s attention usually goes: kids, work, house, herself, husband. So, husbands get almost no attention and men are, mostly, needy little babies who need lots of attention and affirmation especially now that spouses have the same levels of education and prestige in their careers.

When men were the sole breadwinners, their place in the home was one of importance and dominance. They no longer have that feeling of success when their wives are bringing in as much or even more than they are.

If you are not paying attention to your husband he will purposefully or inadvertently end up getting that attention somewhere else if he is in proximity to females during the day or travels for work.

I hear the exact same thing over and over again from clients who are men. When they do develop a relationship with another woman, the last thing they want to talk about is their real life which is usually a bummer - why they are having an affair to begin with.

it does not sound like you have had that experience so you may not understand it. I don’t know the science behind it aside from the fact that men do compartmentalize and when engaging in a secret relationship the last thing they want to do is bring their wife into it. They are living in the fantasy world of an affair where things like bills, work stress and nagging spouses don’t exist.

what’s ironic is that if those affairs ever turned into real relationships the same things the men are trying to escape from would be present again.

I would be surprised if they did not have a physical relationship. There have been studies that show women get more upset if a husband has an emotional affair whereas men get more upset if a woman has a physical affair. Your husband may not know about these studies and is trying to protect your feelings. There is a chance the relationship wasn’t sexual, but I doubt it.

50% of men and 40% of women ADMIT to cheating which makes me think the number is a lot higher. Human beings were not meant to live this long nor were they meant to be monogamous. It sounds like the situation is really bothering you and I hope you can speak to a therapist who can help address your concerns.

if it makes you feel better, men rarely leave their wives for their mistresses and if they do chances are the relationships will fail within a few months. Often times when men are cheating on their wives they end up having more sex with their wives as well. Men don’t leave their wives because they don’t want to cause a disruption in the family home, their children’s lives, their finances, their circle of friends, their careers and some do genuinely love and respect their wives as people and partners.

Most cheaters are only having a physical need met. They will do and say anything to keep having that physical need met. it’s like calling a plumber to clear a pipe. I swear if humans were not by nature jealous creatures some of my married girlfriends would give their husbands their blessing to get their sexual needs fulfilled in a safe way buy another woman - Especially when they have young children.

Your husband stayed with you. You won. If you can’t live with the deception and the relationship is not worth it then maybe it’s time for you to move on to another relationship where you feel valued and someone does and says the romantic things that you are missing from your life. Be warned, men usually only do those things in the very beginning and your husband may have written those things to the other woman because he was not able to talk on the phone with this other woman freely.

Take care of yourself and your needs.

[ihatebojo]

@Akayak

Read similar responses, but to answer original question, men like attention. Most couples don’t have much of a sex life after being married several years, having 2-3 kids and both working corporate jobs. Men have told me they feel creepy constantly getting turned down for sex by their wives and lots of very nice looking, successful men have low self-esteem because of lack of attention in their lives.

This was a complete shock to me before my current career. I always assumed men were tough and did not like or need to be complimented or reassured 24/7.

Wife’s attention usually goes: kids, work, house, herself, husband. So, husbands get almost no attention and men are, mostly, needy little babies who need lots of attention and affirmation especially now that spouses have the same levels of education and prestige in their careers.

When men were the sole breadwinners, their place in the home was one of importance and dominance. They no longer have that feeling of success when their wives are bringing in as much or even more than they are.

If you are not paying attention to your husband he will purposefully or inadvertently end up getting that attention somewhere else if he is in proximity to females during the day or travels for work.

I hear the exact same thing over and over again from clients who are men. When they do develop a relationship with another woman, the last thing they want to talk about is their real life which is usually a bummer - why they are having an affair to begin with.

it does not sound like you have had that experience so you may not understand it. I don’t know the science behind it aside from the fact that men do compartmentalize and when engaging in a secret relationship the last thing they want to do is bring their wife into it. They are living in the fantasy world of an affair where things like bills, work stress and nagging spouses don’t exist.

what’s ironic is that if those affairs ever turned into real relationships the same things the men are trying to escape from would be present again.

I would be surprised if they did not have a physical relationship. There have been studies that show women get more upset if a husband has an emotional affair whereas men get more upset if a woman has a physical affair. Your husband may not know about these studies and is trying to protect your feelings. There is a chance the relationship wasn’t sexual, but I doubt it.

50% of men and 40% of women ADMIT to cheating which makes me think the number is a lot higher. Human beings were not meant to live this long nor were they meant to be monogamous. It sounds like the situation is really bothering you and I hope you can speak to a therapist who can help address your concerns.

if it makes you feel better, men rarely leave their wives for their mistresses and if they do chances are the relationships will fail within a few months. Often times when men are cheating on their wives they end up having more sex with their wives as well. Men don’t leave their wives because they don’t want to cause a disruption in the family home, their children’s lives, their finances, their circle of friends, their careers and some do genuinely love and respect their wives as people and partners.

Most cheaters are only having a physical need met. They will do and say anything to keep having that physical need met. it’s like calling a plumber to clear a pipe. I swear if humans were not by nature jealous creatures some of my married girlfriends would give their husbands their blessing to get their sexual needs fulfilled in a safe way buy another woman - Especially when they have young children.

Your husband stayed with you. You won. If you can’t live with the deception and the relationship is not worth it then maybe it’s time for you to move on to another relationship where you feel valued and someone does and says the romantic things that you are missing from your life. Be warned, men usually only do those things in the very beginning and your husband may have written those things to the other woman because he was not able to talk on the phone with this other woman freely.

Take care of yourself and your needs.

This.

[ManAboutTown]

@Akayak - there is an awful lot of truth in and as a bloke I probably know more about how men tick than most on here if only because I know quite a lot about what my friends have got up to over the years.

There are two dynamics that you allude to in your post that are tied to each other but interesting in their own right....

1. The increase in the number of women being the main breadwinner - it will change the divorce process as more women find themselves paying maintenance to former spouses. It's a slow burner as I have seen many smart women take a bit of a career break to start/raise a family.
2. Smart women tend not to "marry down" - they will marry someone who doesn't earn as much as them for sure but not a bimbo (what is the male equivalent of that?). Known quite a few successful blokes married to appallingly vacuous women - never seen it much the other way around.

I write this from the perspective of a man who has earned 6 figures for decades and known a lot of men and women who are in the same boat

[GreyCarpet]

@CowPalace

I’m always interested in this kind of post. What makes your experience so different to mine? None of my married male friends (whom I’ve known for several decades in some cases) have ever done anything inappropriate. I’ve been married throughout, but some of them have been single/divorced. Does it make that much difference that I’m quite plain? Have I simply got nicer, more honourable male friends?

I'm not sure...

But I've been mainly single throughout. I think that's probably the difference.

I was never hit on by married men when I was married.

[thenewduchessoflapland]

@EmeraldShamrock1

I would be interested to know from anyone who has been close to a married man as to how you think the situation came about and also what impression he gave you or you got about his home life.
I had a very close male married friend, there wasn't anything sexual going on but looking back we talked and shared personal information.
I thought that he was a lovely husband who suffered with depression, the second part was true.
He was a kind, shy, approachable man who always offered to help, unfortunately it was a mask.

I fell out with him because he took pleasure in hurting his wife, he was a sly selfish person who played the victim.

I wanted to kick myself for being so foolish.

Different situation to you.

Some women enjoy the attention and feel DW is not their responsibility.

@EmeraldShamrock1

Your married male friend didn't happen to live in another county from you did he?

[Danoo]

Yeh, the smartest thing a woman can do is marry a decent man who will meet you half way with the childcare and housework and won't be trying to ride all your friends or the nanny or the nanny's sisters.

[Crikeyalmighty]

@ManAboutTown I agree with you. In my first marriage I married the guy I met when I was 15- everyone fancied him, he had a motorbike, looked like David Essex (when young) but actually didn't read and watched continuous sport- I was very vulnerable I think to attention from intelligent men by the time I got to 26- just for some decent conversation - I think most intelligent women these days tend to marry someone at least the same level intellectually and earnings wise. You do get the odd wildly successful woman who bucks that trend in terms of earnings. Think Julie walters or Caroline Quentin!

[CowPalace]

@Danoo

Yeh, the smartest thing a woman can do is marry a decent man who will meet you half way with the childcare and housework and won't be trying to ride all your friends or the nanny or the nanny's sisters.

But the stats given above by a pp suggest these ‘decent men’ are also liable to have sex outside their primary relationship. I’m not sure it’s particularly helpful to designate these men (or the women, married or not, with whom they’re having sex) as evil deviants. Because if so, there are an awful lot of evil deviants.

[MsPincher]

This thread is so weird. I find it so shocking that people still have such regressive beliefs. Men and women (married or otherwise) form relationships in different ways. Many married people have close relationships with others both opposite sex and same sex.

op doesn’t seem to be saying her dh had an affair- just that he had a close relationship with a woman. What would we say if it was a man treating his wife like this because she had a platonic friendship with a man? We would say he was controlling. Not everyone, male or female, wants to have sex with everyone they know.

I have platonic relationships with men (gay and straight) and women (gay and straight). Some I am particularly close to. The horrible sexist stereotypes on this thread have no place in modern life imo.

[GreyCarpet]

@MsPincher

This thread is so weird. I find it so shocking that people still have such regressive beliefs. Men and women (married or otherwise) form relationships in different ways. Many married people have close relationships with others both opposite sex and same sex.

op doesn’t seem to be saying her dh had an affair- just that he had a close relationship with a woman. What would we say if it was a man treating his wife like this because she had a platonic friendship with a man? We would say he was controlling. Not everyone, male or female, wants to have sex with everyone they know.

I have platonic relationships with men (gay and straight) and women (gay and straight). Some I am particularly close to. The horrible sexist stereotypes on this thread have no place in modern life imo.

You can't dismiss people's lived experience as 'regressive stereotypes'.

That's what they've/we've.experienced. not what we think or assume or believe but what has actually happened with the explanations given, in many cases.

[Crikeyalmighty]

@MsPincher There's close friendships and 'close' friendships though - if you are hiding friendships, deleting messages, meeting in secret etc - whether anything sexual is happening or not then you know full well you are not being fair to your partner and there's more to it than friendship . Normal friendships come up in general day to day conversation and you don't hide them

[RockingMyFiftiesNot]

@Danoo

Yeh, the smartest thing a woman can do is marry a decent man who will meet you half way with the childcare and housework and won't be trying to ride all your friends or the nanny or the nanny's sisters.

You do realise that many of the men having affairs are married to women who think they have a decent husband?

One of my most embarrassing moments ever was at a party where the wife of a bloke at work was gloating about her perfect husband, who earned really good money and helped with the kids/home. But we all knew he'd been having an affair with one of our colleagues for months. Toe curlingly embarrassing situation.

[Cheminaufaules]

@Crikeyalmighty

@MsPincher There's close friendships and 'close' friendships though - if you are hiding friendships, deleting messages, meeting in secret etc - whether anything sexual is happening or not then you know full well you are not being fair to your partner and there's more to it than friendship . Normal friendships come up in general day to day conversation and you don't hide them

Perfect summing up in a nutshell @Crikeyalmighty !
People (including myself) can write reams on this topic but you've stated all that needs to be said !

[Nineuser17887]

@MsPincher

This thread is so weird. I find it so shocking that people still have such regressive beliefs. Men and women (married or otherwise) form relationships in different ways. Many married people have close relationships with others both opposite sex and same sex.

op doesn’t seem to be saying her dh had an affair- just that he had a close relationship with a woman. What would we say if it was a man treating his wife like this because she had a platonic friendship with a man? We would say he was controlling. Not everyone, male or female, wants to have sex with everyone they know.

I have platonic relationships with men (gay and straight) and women (gay and straight). Some I am particularly close to. The horrible sexist stereotypes on this thread have no place in modern life imo.

A close secret relationship.
I am not controlling. I have not threatened anyone, as someone asked up in the thread. I am just a normal person trying to do the best in life.
I think I might have found the answer to my question anyway. I've found out he's been slagging me off and lying about me to his family. It's shocking when you realise you can't trust anyone. It feels incredibly lonely.

[BigFatLiar]

I think men can get wrong messages when talking with women as women share more. What many women see as a chat with friends about family is seen as a much more intimate discussion by most men. OH wouldn't consider talking about anything other than generalities about the family with anyone other than me (or perhaps our daughters).

[Nineuser17887]

It has suddenly dawned on me that all this time I thought he was a really decent man that I've been projecting those qualities onto him and that he's ultimately always out for himself. He would throw me under the bus to ensure that people like him.

[Danoo]

@RockingMyFiftiesNot I do realise that yes my point was that not everybody prioritises it to begin with

[CowPalace]

@BigFatLiar

I think men can get wrong messages when talking with women as women share more. What many women see as a chat with friends about family is seen as a much more intimate discussion by most men. OH wouldn't consider talking about anything other than generalities about the family with anyone other than me (or perhaps our daughters).

But doesn’t that say something rather depressing about male socialisation as regards communication and friendships, rather than your husband being extra-virtuous? I mean, the male suicide rate isn’t unrelated to men being trained to keep their feelings to themselves. If your relationship was causing him pain, are you happy he has literally no one to confide in?

[EmeraldShamrock1]

Sometimes you can strick up a close platonic relationship with a person and that is all there is to the situation.

My DP has a close friendship with a colleague who is female it doesn't bother me.

In your case I think that the rose tinted glasses have slipped and he hasn't been treating you respectfully overall.

House devil/Street angel.

[MsPincher]

@Crikeyalmighty

@MsPincher There's close friendships and 'close' friendships though - if you are hiding friendships, deleting messages, meeting in secret etc - whether anything sexual is happening or not then you know full well you are not being fair to your partner and there's more to it than friendship . Normal friendships come up in general day to day conversation and you don't hide them

Perhaps you do if your partner is controlling and abusive though.

[MsPincher]

@BigFatLiar

I think men can get wrong messages when talking with women as women share more. What many women see as a chat with friends about family is seen as a much more intimate discussion by most men. OH wouldn't consider talking about anything other than generalities about the family with anyone other than me (or perhaps our daughters).

That’s awful. Why not? Why doesn’t he have any close friends or family?

it’s not at all normal for men not to talk about anything other than generalities with everyone except their spouse. We all need all sorts of different relationships in our lives. It’s profoundly unhealthy to only have a close relationship with one person.

[MrKramps]

so many Mners complain of having no friends, yet they discount half the human race as potential friends and are encouraged by some posts on here to think they’re right to do so

Ever heard of female friends or no? And people who don't have many friends aren't in that position because they don't befriend married men, so that's a bit of a cheap shot.

Plus there's something called boundaries, that's what op means by getting 'close'. Good for you if you're happy for your partner to discuss intimate details of your life with an attractive colleague.

[CowPalace]

@MrKramps

so many Mners complain of having no friends, yet they discount half the human race as potential friends and are encouraged by some posts on here to think they’re right to do so

Ever heard of female friends or no? And people who don't have many friends aren't in that position because they don't befriend married men, so that's a bit of a cheap shot.

Plus there's something called boundaries, that's what op means by getting 'close'. Good for you if you're happy for your partner to discuss intimate details of your life with an attractive colleague.

Yes, that’s why I said they were discounting half the human race (the male half) as friends. If you struggle with friendships, it seems quite mad to rule out potential friends on he grounds of sex or marital status. A lot of men are married. My life would be much the poorer if I didn’t have make friends who are, or have been, married. In the case of two of my close male friendships, our friendships have outlasted the marriages. Given the divorce stats, it probably makes sense to prioritise friendships.