How do women get close to married men

[Nineuser17887]

For various reasons, I think my husband may have had some sort of inappropriate relationship with a woman a few years ago. He denies an affair but he says he was naieve and 'got too close' but in a friendly way, he says.

There has been quite bad fallout from him keeping elements of his relationship secret from me. He never suggested that the reason he was keeping secrets from me was because he thought I would be jealous or suspicious. It was only after I suggested this as a reason to him, that he agreed that it might have been the case. But he acknowledged that this didn't make any sense because I had never shown any signs of being like that previously.

We have reconciled and I choose to accept his explanation but there is one question which bothers me still. What impression he gave her of our life together to make her feel it was ok to carry on a secret relationship with him over a number of years.

He has somewhat dodged my questions concerning this. At least, I can't get much sense from him.

I would be interested to know from anyone who has been close to a married man as to how you think the situation came about and also what impression he gave you or you got about his home life.

I am aware these questions might raise criticisms of OWs. I hope that doesn't happen because I am looking for clarity about how his behaviour might have influenced the situation.

Back when I was more naive and single I had a few men try it on. All people I knew already but not well. Facebook friends not real friends. It starts with a 'hey how are you' message. We'd chat for a while, then they add in compliments that could just be friendly but a bit odd from a guy in a relationship. Just a few too many empty compliments that make me think hmmmmm. I'd ask about the girlfriend, wife etc and then get either 'we are in an open relationship' or 'we are practically separated' type story and then they'd usually try and move the conversation away from the partner. I've always shut it down at that point but if I was younger or in a bad place in my life I can see how it would be easy to fall for it and stray beyond that line. Nowadays I wouldn't reply to the 'hey how are you' message at all though I'm in a relationship so I don't really get them anymore.

Interestingly these men who were 'practically separated' are all still with their partners a couple of years later.

Its scarily common.

She might have told him to delete the messages in case you found out because she was scared of what you might do to her? Even if she thought you were separated, what if he had pretended you would be mentally unstable? Like a previous poster had suggested.

Firstly, you assume she knows he is married. She may not.

Then there is the whole, we're separated, we have separate lives, my wife doesn't understand me etc

There are the women who want wining, dining, sex but not to have a man living in. Married men are perfect, requiring no commitment.

And then there are those who fall for each other properly while working together, regardless of being fully aware of the existing relationship.

I have a friend through work. Over the many years I have known him we have become more friendly, to the point of having each others personal phone numbers and sending occasional texts. All very harmless. I have a lot of friends who are in relationships, including married men, so did not think too much of it. Because we have work in common, we always have stuff to talk about. Over the last few years he has been pushing the boundaries, and being much more flirtatious. I can only guess he gets some kind of kick from either doing it, or being rebuffed by me (I have been very clear with him that it is never going anywhere except friendship). He does not talk about his wife at all, and avoids or shuts down questions about her. My impression is that he feels more reckless and dangerous when he is inappropriate and it helps him deal with his aging and the fact he has topped out in his career. I did not think about his wife at the start because it is a very female dominated profession and I assumed she was used to him having female friends. I also feel their relationship is none of my business. I am not sure what he would do if I wanted to up the ante - my impression is it is all talk and no real intention. But whatever it is, it definitely got more intense when I was in a vulnerable state and it is majorly icky. Cant cut him out completely because we still need to work together. But I have taken a massive step back. BTW, had another long term friend who I had previously worked with who also suddenly announced when I was vulnerable that he wanted to have an affair with me. I dont want to write all men off as dogs, but it is hard not to at times.

In my personal experiance the man is aways the instigater, l have never had an affair with a married man, but since being widowed had plenty of offers. Mostly excuses saying that they have grown apart, live seperate lives, more like brother and sister.
Some of them can be quite persistant, at one stage l had to tell my sons not to answer the door to one of their friends Dads, plus one of my neighbours has been a nuisance.
This behaviour has only served to strengthen my resolve to stay on my own, l value myself alot more than that.

100% this. Ego. Some men are like children. Vulnerable to anyone who makes them feel important, or ‘deep’, or profound, or worshipped. Actually, vulnerable is the wrong word because the men are willing participants in this sort of relationship. The men are like vampires seeking validation or ego boosts.

I’ve worked with men who can’t wait to tell you that they have ‘a dark side’ or whatever, and are more clever and interesting than people realise blah blah. Like bloody teenagers. Women of a certain type will play along with that.

A friend of mine had an affair with a married man for several years. She absolutely pursued him, quite relentlessly and it was obvious she was doing so. We all worked together and the whole office knew what was going on. I felt so sorry for his wife.

I've observed that married men can act in a certain way which makes them indistinguishable from single men. That could just be their personality rather than any concerted effort to appear to be single. If they're the jokey and playful type, they simply won't be having the conversations about what they did at the weekend or how their partner is.
The woman won't then pick up on the fact that this is a married man, despite the fact that he might be wearing a wedding ring. She will just think he's fun to be around. The danger comes when she starts looking forward to his company. He might not actually have to say anything bad at all about his wife for her to become interested in him. Then she becomes more attentive and he likes her more for her attention on him. Ad nauseum.
This could explain the 'naive and getting too close' observation on his part.
Yes, they're 'friends' but he neglected to consider the potential impact of the friendship on their own partners. It's only when it is aired in the cold light of day that he starts to think like a grown-up rather than like a little boy.

The fact is a lot of longer term 'live in/married' relationships do often go a bit 'friends living together' - so when men say this it usually means 'I like my wife, we get in well but I fancy more sex , but on the side and you will do'

I have a male friend who I'm really close to. We've known each other for years through work - never anything more than friends but a friendship I really value. So when he starts a relationship I make sure our friendship includes that person. He's settled now and if I message or meet up it's to them both. Our friendship has changed and I miss it a bit but I accept that's the way things are. Luckily I really like his gf - we'd be friends even if he wasn't around but I made a conscious effort to get to know her.

If your husband / his friend wasn't doing the same then it's fair to question the intention.

I’m close to a few married men, but I don’t think there’s anything remotely inappropriate about it — there’s nothing sexual going on on either side, they’re as important to me as my longterm female friends, and we have the same kind of relationship. I’m friends, though less closely, with two of their wives. Another I only met a couple of times because it was a work friendship from a former job, and now he’s in the process of divorcing I doubt our paths will cross again. I didn’t like her much. It’s similar to my female friends’ partners/husbands/wives — sometimes I like and get on with them, sometimes I don’t and it stays a one-on-one friendship. But I know some Mners think that things I routinely do with male friends, married or single (cinema, dinner, drinks) are ‘date territory’. All I can say is it’s not for me. I’m 60, happily married and none of them have ever pushed boundaries.

Its clear to me, though, in some cases, that because a man is a great friend doesn’t mean he isn’t a crap husband. The divorcing friend is in a new relationship and I can see it heading the same way as his marriage.

Typo! I’m 50!😀

IME, sometimes:

• - the man doesn't realise (v rare but some of them really don't) and encourages it by accident (e..g by being "friendly" back);


• or he does the chasing;


• or he's flattered and lets it continue far past the appropriate point (ie not nipping it in the bud) until he can't/won't stop it;


• or he makes up his mind to cheat and will cheat with any willing target;


• or it's lust and he stops thinking straight ;


• or he's grateful for a shake-up in routine and ends up being stupid (I call it "grass is greener" mode);


• or he does it to hurt his wife;


• or he's never mentioned his family (deliberately or just by it never coming up)


• or he plays up being a lonely bachelor/tragic hero (in his own head) and the OW likes it;


• or he pays a bit of attention to someone (often young) who develops a full-blown crush, and he is flattered/senses an opportunity/ignores it until he doesn't

That seems the common methods from my theories, is the general chats, the talking about x,y, etc, the offering perspectives and positivity. All the little details that add up. Then add human psychological perspectives into the mix, and it's then building towards an affair, unless one, both or the other holds course and is completely professional.

Married men lie a lot saying their separated all sorts of things to draw you in.
Sometimes before finding out the truth a woman may get to far deep into something they think real like a relationship and find it hard walking away.

I think you've hit the nail on the head there. I've seen this happen sooo often with friends/colleagues. The man (typically) is able to compartmentalise, whilst the woman (again, typically) becomes more emotionally involved and believes 'this is different', even when the affair 'scripts' are being fully followed.

In my experience, both personal and through friends, the wife/children/home life are not talked about Or considered.

Over the years, i have had a few close married male friends. The truth is, I enjoyed their company and felt.'safe' with them - I naively believed that, because they were married, they were never going to try anything on.

I respected their wives and valued the trust they placed in both their husband and me.

They were wrong to. I have never cheated or come close to it but I no longer have any male married friends who I see on my own.

Every one of them tried it on eventually.

This is a very strangely worded op in that you concern is how he portrayed you or sold his married life to her to persuade her of the relationship and yet you, who knew him for years longer than her, agreed that he didn't tell you in case you get jealous after YOU offered this explanation to him and DESPITE you saying you've not shown jealous behaviour in the past. And yet you are puzzled how about his behaviour?
He must be very charming for you both to want to be with him. Her, with the breadcrumbs he throws at her every now and then and you, desperately finding excuses for him.

Are you asking how to tell if a married man is hinting for wanting an affair? Affair stories? The type of conversation and stories he might come up with if he was hinting for an affair?

There are men who absolutely say nothing of their GF or wife when talking to a woman they are romantically or sexually interested in. There are men who despite their interest, still mention her. There are women who are also with a partner who embark on an affair with a taken man. There are women don't mind or even actively choose taken men. None of us can tell you what he told her. If this is important to you, ask the other woman. I personally wouldn't bother. All I will say is that the cliche is:

• We haven't had sex in so long/ have no intimacy, she pushes me when I try to hug her and I do my bit with the children and around the house


• She doesn't understand me


• She cheated on me she is abusive she's asexual she's too ill for sex


• She let herself go/ neglected herself and me


• We're living like housemates and staying for the children/financial reasons


• I can't help but fall in love with you (OW) I think we're soulmates we have a unique connection it's just wrong timing

I’m always interested in this kind of post. What makes your experience so different to mine? None of my married male friends (whom I’ve known for several decades in some cases) have ever done anything inappropriate. I’ve been married throughout, but some of them have been single/divorced. Does it make that much difference that I’m quite plain? Have I simply got nicer, more honourable male friends?

The odd time I got anywhere near involved with a married man, when I was young, I didn’t know he was married. I ended it as soon as I found out. But this thread has made me wonder how much they just didn’t happen to mention the wife (as I innocently presumed), and how much they were hiding the truth for as long as possible.

He didn't 'give me the impression' of anything. We worked together for 5 years before anything happened so I was well aware he had a wife and child. But when you're at work you can be a different version of yourself, and so work me and work him got close without the domestic sides of us. If that makes any sense?

Also worked well together and would seek each other out in social occasions as someone safe where there'd be no awkward small talk. Moved into having longer meetings, going for a drink after an event, long talks on trains, becoming reliant on one another at work, in jokes etc. then bam, affair.

There are married "dating" / affair sites. There are literally thousands and thousands of married men (and women) on them.

My XP got “too close” to a colleague when a mutual friend of theirs died. They apparently comforted each other because she was “so much more supportive than me” despite me hugging him, encouraging him to cry and talk it out, literally licking the tears off his face to make him laugh at one point, and generally being as empathetic as it was possible to be.

He said they did “talk about me” sometimes but obviously if he was having his head turned, I don’t know what that may have entailed. We split up for a while after that which is when this all came out. He maintained that nothing happened but when I asked if he was FaceTiming her while away on business (for weeks at a time, several times a year) he answered that she never went away with him. So yes then, they FaceTimed while I was missing him at home and broken-hearted that he only had a few moments to talk to me at midnight due to the time difference. Arsehole. I don’t blame her, she was clearly fed a load of bollocks about how if he wasn’t with me he’d be with her etc and she hung around like a bad smell for literally years waiting. She can have him now.

Name changed for obvious reasons. I'm married and I've become close friends with a married man. We got talking at a work do and he got my number. It's ended several times and started back up again but nothing physical has ever happened. We talk about normal life. We both have regular sex with our other halves and tell each other. It's weird I can't even explain how it's happened. He left the company a few months later and we've never met up. Neither of us would want to be with each other.