How do women get close to married men

[Nineuser17887]

For various reasons, I think my husband may have had some sort of inappropriate relationship with a woman a few years ago. He denies an affair but he says he was naieve and 'got too close' but in a friendly way, he says.

There has been quite bad fallout from him keeping elements of his relationship secret from me. He never suggested that the reason he was keeping secrets from me was because he thought I would be jealous or suspicious. It was only after I suggested this as a reason to him, that he agreed that it might have been the case. But he acknowledged that this didn't make any sense because I had never shown any signs of being like that previously.

We have reconciled and I choose to accept his explanation but there is one question which bothers me still. What impression he gave her of our life together to make her feel it was ok to carry on a secret relationship with him over a number of years.

He has somewhat dodged my questions concerning this. At least, I can't get much sense from him.

I would be interested to know from anyone who has been close to a married man as to how you think the situation came about and also what impression he gave you or you got about his home life.

I am aware these questions might raise criticisms of OWs. I hope that doesn't happen because I am looking for clarity about how his behaviour might have influenced the situation.

[HeyManIJustWantSomeMuesli]

I got on very well with ‘someone’ I worked with, we were both in serious relationships, mine actually started within the time I was working and friends with this ‘someone’ and our friendship remained the same throughout. I confided in this person when my abusive relationship broke down and ended and I just did not recognise that we’d got far closer, emotionally, than was appropriate. I can clearly see it now but at the time it hadn’t even crossed my mind with everything else I had going on and there was nothing physical between us.

[SarahAndQuack]

Isn't it perfectly normal to get close to people in a friendly way, whether they're married or not? My social circle is mostly women, but my partner's a woman so it's effectively the same thing - I can't imagine either of us being concerned we had close friends, nor can imagine any of our close friends feeling as if they shouldn't get close to us because we're a couple?

Weird post.

TBH it sounds to me as if you're trying to make out that men and women being friends is the problem, when surely the problem is your husband behaving inappropriately.

[djdkdkddkek]

usually becomes the married man fancies her and tries to become her “perfect partner” so she believes the fairytale and forgets he has a wife

[CowPalace]

@SarahAndQuack

Isn't it perfectly normal to get close to people in a friendly way, whether they're married or not? My social circle is mostly women, but my partner's a woman so it's effectively the same thing - I can't imagine either of us being concerned we had close friends, nor can imagine any of our close friends feeling as if they shouldn't get close to us because we're a couple?

Weird post.

TBH it sounds to me as if you're trying to make out that men and women being friends is the problem, when surely the problem is your husband behaving inappropriately.

Hear hear, @SarahAndQuack. so many Mners complain of having no friends, yet they discount half the human race as potential friends and are encouraged by some posts on here to think they’re right to do so. My life would be a lot poorer without my male friends.

[CinstonWhurchill]

@Nineuser17887 "She might have told him to delete the messages in case you found out because she was scared of what you might do to her? "

Have you made threats OP?


"Even if she thought you were separated, what if he had pretended you would be mentally unstable? Like a previous poster had suggested".

She thought you were separated. Whatever your mental state, it has no relevance.

[HooverIsAlwaysBroken]

OP, what would you consider to be “too close”?

I like to have a certain bond or whatever you call it with any co-worker, just because it makes work easier if you occasionally ask for each other’s holidays, partners, children, etc? I also like discussions around hobbies, books and aspects of work. And I am genuinely interested in people. However, hell would freeze over before I texted any male colleague about any non-work related thing.

I am also happily married with children which I am very open about. I hate infidelity (also quite vocal if topic comes up) and phrase it as “makes me lose all respect for people”.

I do think some men would “go for it” given any ambiguity - but that is a male issue not my issue. I would prefer never to be in that situation, hence I am very clear about being happily married and infidelity is horrible. If (and this has never happened) a male colleague would confide in me about a difficulty in his marriage, I would advice counselling, more attention to his wife, weekends away with his wife, present for his wife etc. Ultimately, my loyalty will always be with the woman, especially if there are children.

Some women may get an ego boast from the attention? And some men may as well?

[Tiredmum100]

@35965a

The guy gets an ego boost so encourages the friendship/flirtation/relationship. You can only get close to someone if they let you. The women don’t care he has a wife.

I agree, you can only get close to someone if they let you. If a man started messaging me I wouldn't engage, I am happily married.

[ManAboutTown]

@SarahAndQuack - one of my dearest friends is a woman I have known for well over 20 years. Once maybe we might have gotten together but really we have just been friends. Our lives are so different in many ways that a relationship would never work. She phoned me one morning after she lost her virginity and took me to task once or twice when I was - lets say - a bit impulsive in sleeping with someone.

Somewhere in the back of mind is a little question about what would happen if we ever slept together but really am I just grateful she has been part of my life

[5128gap]

The most likely impression he would have given her is actually nothing to do with you, and all about her.
Ime these things most frequently happen when a man develops a strong crush on a woman and 'courts' her under the guise of friendship.
To be generous, the man may not always recognise what he's doing, he might genuinely believe he has found this fabulous new soul mate friend, but his actions will be the same. He'll be there for her, supporting her professionally and personally, making her laugh, and feel special and funny and interesting.
She will get close to him because his behaviour endears him to her and she develops feelings. When that happens, she either won't think about you at all, or will kid herself she's not doing you any harm because they're not having a physical affair.

[CthulhuInDisguise]

I have a colleague who lives 150 miles away from me, who I had a close working relationship with during the pandemic, as we were the two managers responsible for one of the government's Covid helplines. We have both moved into new roles since in the same department, but have remained friends. He's more than 20 years older than me, married and I have no romantic ideas towards him (I'm in a relationship).

We met in person for the first time at the start of this year and it became obvious that he has a crush on me. Since then, he calls me on Teams most days and complains constantly about his wife. She's lazy, rubbish at her job, entitled, boring). I always remind him that he married her when he was 50 after being single all that time, so she must be special otherwise why would he marry her? He knows full well that I'm a lost cause where he's concerned, I talk to him about my boyfriend almost as much as he talks about his wife, although my chat is usually positive.

I suspect he liked having a younger woman who shares his sense of humour and knows a lot of his cultural references from my late DH who was the same age as him, to talk to, and believes he's fallen for me (he asked me to run away with him the other week, I told him I didn't have a good track record of keeping older men alive). I suspect his wife would be very upset to hear him talk about her, I shut him down every time but she wouldn't know that.

[Homewardbound2022]

Honestly, it is not difficult. Men are weak.
I know lots of married men through a sport I play.
Last week one of them asked me if I wanted a game some time and he offered to collect me, which means only one thing. He lives on the other side of town and I have my own car! Seriously, they only need the slightest encouragement.

[Crustyjuggler92]

I think there is a line though and it can be hard to know when it's being crossed. I've previously thought 'oh great a new friendship' and then 'oh wait, he's trying to sleep with me'. I don't think people are saying you can't be close friends with a man but there is a certain 'closeness' that is indicative that the guy wants more whilst not being explicit. Its really subtle but for me a few 'warning signs" are:

A man with whom I've previously had no particular friendship getting in touch out of the blue.
A man trying to move a friendship from a group thing (e.g. a hobby) to a 1:1 thing strangely fast.
Mentioning that the partner is 'practically just friends' or not mentioning them at all.
More compliments than is natural in a friendship.
Moving the conversation to sexual things but very subtly

In my experience, all these things have led to the guy trying to cheat. I don't agree with the idea that men and women can't be friends, can't meet up, can't message etc - I have a few genuine, good friendships with men that have developed naturally but I do think there is a difference.

[35965a]

@ILoveMonday

Of course, it's the other woman not giving a shit about the wife. Men are never sexual predators, are they?

My first 2 sentences literally mention the men 🤷🏼‍♀️

[FallenFigs]

There are an awful lot of generalisations in this thread. So many cliches. We are all messy, complicated humans. We are also incredibly social creatures - who, from an evolutionary perspective, are used to being far more social than today’s society and conventions allow. So of course we are reaching out for connection, however inappropriate others may view that.

My current personal circs. Close with a friend at work. We are both married but there is a distinct and acknowledged attraction. He is not taking advantage of that and I don’t believe I am either. But we both know that in other circumstances (ie we were single) we’d be giving it a go. He knows my DH via work. They are not friends, and DH is somewhat sensitive at the relationship that we have. Now, I could go into ‘need to work on marriage etc’ but honestly, I don’t believe it’s that clear cut. Some people you get on with, some you don’t. Those you are drawn to in your 20’s irritated the fuck out of you at 48. We are each doing doing our best. My friendship is good for me and him on an individual level. We are similar, have similar strengths and weaknesses and a bit of competitive spirit which frankly makes work that little bit better. Why all the handwringing? And I really detest this idea that all men are spinning everyone a line to get their end away. Life is so much more complex than that. And don’t we avoid really hearing or seeing people for what they are if we just put it all down to ‘all men are rules by their cocks and some women leverage that’

[lovelymango]

In my situation there's an attraction but there's also a friendship. One that can never really happen. Everyday I tell myself to stop it but I don't know how to. We never bad mouth our spouses either.

[HooverIsAlwaysBroken]

@FallenFigs I agree with you in a sense, many generalisations.

but I am also trying to keep my own life uncomplicated. I am very open with the fact that I love my husband and family, detest infidelity and that I am happy to chat to anyone about hobbies, work and books as long as the boundaries above are respected.

this helps me to avoid any difficult situations. As I said, like my life uncomplicated.

[CherryBlossomAutumn]

I saw a few messages from my Ex to a few of the women he cheated on me with, or tried to cheat on me with.

He generally avoided talking about me, his wife then. However when questioned he did say that he was staying because of his child, and I would ‘take them away’. He also said that he wasn’t in love with me anymore, but that I was frightened of being single so he was struggling on but it was ‘killing him inside’.
Urgh… what an asshole.

These hurt more than the feeling he was having sex with others.

So sorry OP, he more than likely sold you out. Like my Ex, he probably genuinely has repressed this as he will have known what a horrible betrayal it was, and the truth will not out. I just hope he treats you like a goddess now!

[FallenFigs]

@lovelymango thats precisely my point. Must you stop it? We live in a harsh world and surely we need all the friends we can get?

Beating yourself up about it won’t achieve anything. I am extremely grateful that my friend is able to compliment me on my work strengths - I welcome it, and it’s bloody delightful to hear. In exactly the same that if a female friend says the same thing, I am also filled with a warm feeling. It’s what we all need.

I also know that he feels the same in reverse. And to be frank, it’s something I need to get better at, so I am quite happy to be encouraged in my compliments to others!

[CherryBlossomAutumn]

@FallenFigs I’m afraid ‘humans are complex’ is straight out of the cheaters handbook. No its’ simple, as humans we can choose to be selfish assholes and betray and lie to our husbands, and get a cheap thrill out of knowing we could cheat, or we respect our husbands and don’t betray their trust.

[deedledeedledum]

@Crikeyalmighty

@Nineuser17887 I was in a very similar situation- my H became infatuated with someone who occasionally helped in our business- she was 21, he was41 at the time. This all came out a lot of years later as I found stuff he had written- all very mills and boon - I don't know if I have the full truth but there was a lot of texting at the time (I had bills to go back to) plus a lot of popping around to help her mother with the computer (who she lived with) - presuming it was just a one sided infatuation he told me, she genuinely saw it as a close friendship and was used to texting men and women frequently (as she was a student ) he saw it as a 'huge crush' from his side because so many other shitty things in life were happening at the time- business issues, his mum dying- and he saw it as a pleasant and cheerful distraction. He says conversation never involved me or our son at all- although she knew me well - it was as if I didn't exist. It stopped to a large extent when she moved abroad for work.

I think men compartmentalise in this way bettter than many women. He said he didn't feel bad about it at the time as for him nothing sexual was happening and he didn't expect me to find out- Problem is I've never since 100% felt the same about us or him- as I've read the stuff he wrote and I certainly never had anything written about me and we've been married 26 years

I'd find it hard to feel the same about him too in huge part because he was 41 and she was 21. That's just cringe and I'd feel so embarrassed that he was such a cliche. I couldn't see him as anything other than a sad middle aged man who thought a pretty young thing might fancy him

[WeedGardener]

I’m very close to a married man. We speak most days, he’s a good mate. I know his wife but not very well, he knows my husband but not very well. There is nothing romantic or flirtatious, we just get on well. My husband could happily read every message exchange or listen into our calls (he sometimes is in the room so can hear us and will give a wave as we normally FaceTime).

I never see a problem with opposite sex relationships, anymore than same sex relationships. I’m happy, in love with my DH and not interested in the slightest in a relationship with anyone else!

[WeedGardener]

I’ll add a caveat that if a male friend started talking even slightly negatively about his partner and home life I’d back away if it was accompanied by even a hint of flirtation or testing the grounds of availability.

[FallenFigs]

@HooverIsAlwaysBroken I have just read your post.
To give some more context. I work in a male dominated industry. There are some men who I can fairly quickly clock are as described by this thread. Look you up and down, make inappropriate comments. So those I can see easily fit into the ‘led by cock’ bracket and for whom if I were to show interest, off we go. I steer clear and generally have disdain for.

However, work friend and I have similar values. We have recently been joined by another, much younger, guy, who also clearly fits in our gang in terms of outlook, interest, ability. He and I have looser boundaries (ie he text me personal number without giving it a second thought,
work friend and I have
deliberately not done this), because there is no attraction but we get on despite age and gender differences. Work friend and I have clearer boundaries because we are married and there is attraction. But we are still close, I would be sad if he were not around. It’s so dependant on context!

[FallenFigs]

@CherryBlossomAutumn we’ll have to agree to disagree. There is no handbook. And words like betray - I find this binary view of things difficult. It’s not a cheap thrill - it’s being human, like the mammals we are. Being kind, supportive, friendly. Not some demure 18th century exhibition piece who must obey at all times.

[CherryBlossomAutumn]

It’s not how you feel @FallenFigs it’s how you treat other people and their feelings. If you want to be free to cheat, tell your husband that you really like this friends attention and it makes you feel great. Let him make up his own mind.