How do women get close to married men

[Nineuser17887]

For various reasons, I think my husband may have had some sort of inappropriate relationship with a woman a few years ago. He denies an affair but he says he was naieve and 'got too close' but in a friendly way, he says.

There has been quite bad fallout from him keeping elements of his relationship secret from me. He never suggested that the reason he was keeping secrets from me was because he thought I would be jealous or suspicious. It was only after I suggested this as a reason to him, that he agreed that it might have been the case. But he acknowledged that this didn't make any sense because I had never shown any signs of being like that previously.

We have reconciled and I choose to accept his explanation but there is one question which bothers me still. What impression he gave her of our life together to make her feel it was ok to carry on a secret relationship with him over a number of years.

He has somewhat dodged my questions concerning this. At least, I can't get much sense from him.

I would be interested to know from anyone who has been close to a married man as to how you think the situation came about and also what impression he gave you or you got about his home life.

I am aware these questions might raise criticisms of OWs. I hope that doesn't happen because I am looking for clarity about how his behaviour might have influenced the situation.

[CherryBlossomAutumn]

I know that my Ex who cheated did so because he openly admitted that most women didn’t have as good a pool to choose from as men did. So it wasn’t that hard to find women, and he wasn’t bothered at all by some things women were, for example whether they had a good job, whether they were tall or small, whether they were intelligent or not, even whether they were quite demanding. He didn’t care and as he wasn’t looking for commitment, he didn’t mind who it was in many ways.

And that, in his words (arrogant I know but some truth in?), if you were a half decent male, kept yourself in shape, were tall, had a car and a reasonable job, and on the surface anyway were nice to women, could keep up a conversation, came across as caring, then there were a lot of women who responded to the attention, a LOT. He said that being married didn’t put as many off as you would think. My Ex was definitely the pursuer though. He said most women did not make those first moves.

Which is all pretty depressing when you think about it!

[Sclover0604]

I had a FWB situation with a married man for a while, he contacted me via a dating app and was up front that he was married but claimed it was coming to an end as the relationship wasn’t working. He had kids but all older and had left school - I wasn’t looking to break up a family and wasn’t looking for a relationship so it worked for me at the time. It ended after a few months - he ghosted me but I’m convinced it was guilt that caused it as they are still together over a year later.
In his case he was actively looking and it wasn’t something he drifted into.

[ManAboutTown]

@Akayak - so much of what you say is true but I have never had a serious relationship with a woman I didn't consider smart (usually degree educated with some kind of post grad qualification)

Am I unusual for a guy? Possibly but how could I have a three hour dinner and two bottles of wine with someone I couldn't properly engage with. To be honest don't really care about formal qualifications but can you challenge me and make me rethink my opinions

[TheZeppo]

I have several close friends who are a) married and b) attached.

I think there’s truth in ‘men and women are never just friends’. At the start of the friendship, anyway.

if you’re both clear (and shut it down early) then friendship is definitely possible.

[Frankola]

4 years ago my husband had a friendship with a colleague that was inappropriate. Very flirty and I saw messages from this woman (also married) where she made it clear she was up for no strings sex with him. He did not do anything physical but he certainly flirted and egged her on.

He basically was being an utterly utterly egotistical and selfish idiot. And that's putting it nicely. We had a 4 month old baby at the time and I had bad post natal anxiety. I reckon he wanted to feel like he was number 1 to someone (though he won't actually admit that much). He wanted to feel attractive and wanted. I was obviously busy looking after a 4 month old whilst battling PNA 😒

It's taken a lot to deal with it and it will never be the same again as far as I'm concerned.

[lot123]

Bottom line for me is that I trust my husband and he trusts me. My life would be the poorer without my male friends. They're some of my best friends and I value their different perspective to my female friends, and vice versa.

I'm not desperate, attention seeking or any of the other comments about women who message married men. They're just friends, like my female friends. Honestly, there's zero chance of any romantic encounter, it would feel wrong on every level. Same on their side too.

I'm open about messaging my male friends as my husband is with his female friends. I'd happily show him any messages we exchange, although he wouldn't ask as it's normal behaviour for us both.

[SaborDeSoledad]

Not a married man, but man in LTR.

I was at university and he was a few years older.

He never mentioned his partner except in passing, but made me feel, and told me, that we had an incredible connection and I was the only one who could understand him, who made him feel normal, who "got" him. It was "thunderbolt city" as they said in Four Weddings and a Funeral.

He instigated the meetups, the texting, the long walks, everything.

I fell madly in love and guess what, he went back to his partner. I was heartbroken for years afterwards. I really fell for him and his act.

It was almost 20 years ago and I deeply regret the hurt I caused his partner and how stupid I was.

It's him I should be angry at the most, though.

Well, that was cathartic...

I'm sorry this is happening to you, OP. You deserve better. I hope you have supportive people around you.

[Junipersfavouritejumper]

I’m not an OW but I’ve been single for a long time, focusing on my parenting rather than navigating the complexities of relationships, and my married friends all have lovely respectful partners. (Ew, except for one friend whose husband I can’t stand who is the biggest sleaze around young women he makes me sick!). But I have been hit on by so many married men, it disgusts me tbh. They are so blatant and seem to not be bothered about being disrespectful towards their wives at all. I shut them down straight away but some are really persistent. Like wtf they think I’m easy just because I’m single? I’ve never really understood that. I guess if I desperately needed attention or felt insecure I would feel flattered maybe. But I don’t believe that most OW throw themselves at men, it’s generally driven by sexual drive I think and the need for intimacy if it’s missing. I read an interesting article written by a divorce lawyer who narrowed cheaters down to 3 different types. The blatant cheaters who never stop cheating cos it strokes their ego, can’t remember the middle one, and then the last type were the opportunists, who didn’t plan to cheat, an opportunity arose usually though unusual situation and they took it and to their surprise got away with it, so continued with the affair, even though they weren’t the type to cheat at all.

[Crikeyalmighty]

@TortugaRumCakeQueen I always thought that too , but judging by my own and others experiences- clearly not- some men in particular are just opportunists and will latch onto any woman who shows them interest with sex in mind or a big ego boost even when there's nothing obviously wrong with the marriage at all

[FindingThepossible]

@Gwenhwyfar

"None of my married male friends (whom I’ve known for several decades in some cases) have ever done anything inappropriate. I’ve been married throughout, but some of them have been single/divorced. Does it make that much difference that I’m quite plain?"

I have the same experience as you Cow Palace and I think it is because I'm less attractive than the posters who also get hit on by married men. I did get more attention in my twenties, some of it just innocent flirting that wouldn't have led anywhere, some of it might have done I suppose, but middle-aged married men are no longer interested now I'm their age.

To really judge their morals it would help if we knew whether they are secretly strongly attracted to you.

If they are not attracted to you then we can't really say they are virtuous.

It's as if someone who can't stand the smell of smoke and nicotine made a virtue of not smoking cigarettes.

They would only be virtuous and respectful if they had a huge crush on you but never gave a hint.

[Brist0l]

Desperate women message married men. It starts as 'banter', it's an ego boost for the needy woman to be having an attention thrill whilst the wife puts up with the boring crap at home.

One woman sent my friend's dh a sex gif, apparently because she'd 'fucked up the diy'. I mean seriously.

Not saying men are blameless, but there is a particular sort of insecure woman who targets married men and flirts with them, obviously where it goes from there depends on the man's marriage but anyone texting married men always say they 'just want to be friends' with men but if they are saying things they wouldn’t want his wife to see they've crossed a line, obviously.

[TortugaRumCakeQueen]

You're assuming that a woman would have to be fed a sob story, for her to mess with a married man. Some women don't care about the state of the marriage. They want excitement and attention, and don't care if the guy is married. One would assume that the marriage is in trouble anyway, if the guy is happy to flirt with/sleep with someone else.

[Gwenhwyfar]

If more male bosses become like Pence, it will make it even harder for women in the workplace.
www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2017/mar/31/mike-pence-doesnt-eat-alone-women-speaks-volumes

[Undomiel]

@ihatebojo thank you, still going through the whole situation now and I honestly do love him very much. It will come to an end when either of us leaves here - we are both very reluctant to break up - yet he is "happily married" and I am just foolish for walking into this situation. I know my heart will be badly broken....

[Gwenhwyfar]

"In my generation this "close friends with the opposite sex thing" just doesn't exist. Who would want to talk to a man when you have your girlfriends to chat to?"

Oh dear. This is so sad. We don't all fit 100% into the masculine and feminine boxes. I've had plenty of times in my life when I've had more male friends than female ones. Luckily, I'm single, but I would never accept not having male friends or not talking to anyone at work apart from artificial small talk.
I bet there are people in your generation who are lonely and sad because they don't have enough friends and half the population is cut off from them.

This attitude causes all sorts of problems.

[Gwenhwyfar]

"I lost a lot of respect for her because she’s complained ad nauseam about her husband’s lack of interest and frustration/anger toward their kids that she says is “effecting them”, but doesn’t want to get to work full time and give up her privileges standard of living to leave. It’s so unfathomable to me. But, unless women pursue their careers first and are willing to have their kids raised by nannies, this is what happens."

You said she doesn't have much of a career so would have to do a job she doesn't like, 8 hours a day, five days a week for another twenty years. I can see why she's not keen.

[ihatebojo]

@Undomiel
I'm sorry you had that experience.

@ABitCofused
The 'in my generation' argument is null and void IMO.

You look to the past with a sense of certainty that the present cannot provide. I doubt that the past was better, as you seem to imply in your post. People still had affairs and women were less free to leave marriages. The fact that you discounted people and their possible friendship based on their gender is quite frankly, ridiculous. Even more so when you go on to suggest that your SIL's behaviour is attention seeking.

My life would be a less vibrant and sociable place if my male friends were not part of it. And I have still managed to stay married for 20 years and raise 4 DC as well.

[ThisWasMeTooo]

@Nineuser17887 I hope that doesn't happen because I am looking for clarity about how his behaviour might have influenced the situation

They present themselves as having a life which their wife or partner doesn't have much role in eg they say " I took my daughter to Uni last week".

They will initially not talk about their partner as it is "crossing a line". This then changes later as they want to let you know the things their wife or partner does that irritates them - they had to go for a walk, the event was boring etc

They hint at how they are stuck in their life and can't get out of it as there is more that they can't talk about.

They say that in other circumstances they would be able to act differently.

They text regularly to try to make you feel connected to them especially when you are doing something special- going out with friends, on holiday etc.

They talk about a time in the future when they may live get their own flat and live on their own.

it's all disrespectful and a crock of shit.

[Gwenhwyfar]

"None of my married male friends (whom I’ve known for several decades in some cases) have ever done anything inappropriate. I’ve been married throughout, but some of them have been single/divorced. Does it make that much difference that I’m quite plain?"

I have the same experience as you Cow Palace and I think it is because I'm less attractive than the posters who also get hit on by married men. I did get more attention in my twenties, some of it just innocent flirting that wouldn't have led anywhere, some of it might have done I suppose, but middle-aged married men are no longer interested now I'm their age.

[Gwenhwyfar]

"what's my favourite pie, flavour of crisps etc"

That sounds like a conversation with a ten year old.

[ABitCofused]

@CherryBlossomAutumn

I remembered it!

’Not just friends’ by Shirley Glass

This book talks about opening up "windows" into your marriage which can lead to affairs and in reverse closing those windows. It talks about looking after your relationship. It makes a lot of sense. In my generation this "close friends with the opposite sex thing" just doesn't exist. Who would want to talk to a man when you have your girlfriends to chat to? I know one younger person than me who does this and she is very flirty and I believe she loves the attention but it has lead to some very uncomfortable scenes. Sadly she is my SIL.

[Undomiel]

@ihatebojo was very vulnerable and fell in love with him...

[Downunderduchess]

@BigFatLiar

@Downunderduchess I have had many married/partnered men come on to me over the years

You trying to tell us that you haven't had many married/partnered women come on to you? I wonder why that is.

Huh? I’m not sure what you mean? Genuinely. I’m talking about my own experience.

[Catullus5]

I think there is a narrative for men to take on, if the research I mentioned is correct. It's: you're losing your privilege, so you'd better shape up or be left on the sidelines.

[xJoyfulCalmWisdomx]

Interesting. And women are always served this kind of research with a ''see!'' it's all your fault for wanting equality kind of narrative. Like you women have to take the bad, this is the inevitable consequence of wanting to be paid equally. All of the onus on women is to accept that if they gain some rights in the workplace they MUST accept being cast aside, objectified, invisible.

There is no narrative pushed at men to encourage them to think about their personality, their viewpoints, a woman's own rights/needs, how comfortable it is for a woman to be around them!

There's no narrative pushed at men to ask them to consider if they are seeking a partner who has more to offer a potential partner than they have to offer a potential partner.... ie, leagues. I've been shot down for acknowledging that leagues exist by romantics but seriously............. they do. In the past men could capitalise on younger women's poverty and desperation and low self-esteem I guess. Now it's harder for them given that there is a social welfare system, an intent to pay men and women equally, contraception.